Chapter 7: Got No Reflection
Kairi surfaced from the river, whipping her hair back to make a strong point: she wouldn't be fighting any more swamp monsters any time soon. The river certainly wasn't a bubble bath, but it did the trick, thoroughly washing away the essence of Swamp Wakka. Finally, standing in the waist-high current, Kairi was back to being content. And naked, too.
Just as she breathed a sigh of relief, behold, a mermaid swam up from the depths, definitely startling the once tranquil succubus.
"Whoa!" Kairi shrieked.
"Don't be afraid, I'm a friendly!" said the teenaged mermaid. "Aren't you glad I didn't dress up as a piranha?"
"Yeah…Krile, right?"
The blonde mermaid nodded. "That's me! I sure was getting lonely until I spotted you bathing upstream."
Moving her hair in front for the sake of censorship, Kairi replied, "Well, I'm happy to keep you company. You should've seen the last bunch of creeps I was running with."
"Did one of them happen to be an emo-looking skeleton?" Krile asked, gesturing toward a nearby rock sitting on land.
Following her hand, Kairi hummed in confusion, "Uh…what?"
"C'mon out, Zex-Ienzo, or whatever your name is!" Krile called.
"Crap…" said a young man's voice. And so it happened, there behind the rock, that a skeleton dude with emo blue hair stepped out and announced himself, "Hey, it's me."
"Ienzo!" Kairi chastised. "How long have you been spying on me?"
Telling the truth, Ienzo, the former Nobody, stated matter-of-factly, "Well, I arrived here when I first heard someone singing 'Firework' by Katy Perry off-key, prompting me to investigate said singing with cautious footsteps, which tend to come out quieter when you're completely made of bones—"
"How long?!" Kairi shouted.
"I saw the whole show," Ienzo fessed up.
"What a boner," Krile quipped.
Thinking of something, Kairi said, "Hey…I remember seeing your book being used by that woman in the coat! What gives, Bonesy-Boy?"
"Oh, that," Ienzo addressed the matter like a sour memory. "My lexicon was stolen from me around the time I arrived at the party, and unfortunately…I was already too intoxicated to go looking for it or care. But when that hooded person cast the spell on everyone, I instantly recognized the green lights as an effect of my lexicon!"
"You should've told us sooner! But at least we know more about the culprit…"
"Hellooooo!" Terra Branford's voice suddenly echoed throughout the area. "Yo, Kairi! You there?" Materializing from thin air, a magic husk of fog revealed a hi-definition feed of Terra's disinterested face. Rubbing the screen with her hand, she tried again, "Test, test. Can anybody see or hear me?"
Hands on her hips, Kairi muttered, "This bath is getting too crowded." Then, she answered, "Yo, Terra, what's up?"
"Good. Well Kairi, I just wanted to let you know that I've pinpointed Selphie's location. And she's headed in your direction. Also, she has Bartz and two giant lizard monsters on her side. Oh, and she hypnotized Sora, or something, so he's working with her now."
"What?!" Kairi shouted in disbelief. "Goddammit, Sora! Some vampire you are…"
"Don't worry, girlfriend," Terra stated. "I've dispatched a friendly wolfman to come and assist you, and we all made him promise not to go rogue again. Or we'd put a silver bullet in his ass."
"I guess I'm thankful. Where is he now?"
-X- Approaching the River
"Selphie, I'm picking up at least three heat signatures on my high-tech future-ey radar," Bartz reported.
Flying on her broom right next to the fighting robot, the Queen of Halloween replied, "I can smell their fear. We are close to defeating our enemies."
Tailing not far behind the pair were two flying dragons, one with pink hair and one with purple. There, riding atop the pink-haired dragon was Sora; Elsa, still donning the black cloak, was riding the dragon with purple hair.
Eyeballing Sora with a smirk, Elsa commented, "I sure hope you're ready to deal with any resistance."
He simply gave Elsa a blank stare.
She frowned. "Hey. At least compliment my hair or something."
Sora looked ahead again, silent in his reproach.
Meanwhile, Bartz gave out another status report, "Yo, Selph! It looks like two of those heat signatures are resonating from the river just below us. Also, there's a faint, skeleton-shaped douchebag who's radiating a ton of pervy energy from his pelvic region!"
"That must be Zexion," Selphie surmised. "Let's go surprise our guests with a grand reentrance!"
"Right on!"
There in the sky, the witch and mobile suit swooped down by the river's edge, generating a dramatic amount of wind to surprise Kairi and Krile. Zexion was standing on the opposite edge, having the eyebrows and invisible balls to glare up and shout, "You would be wise to halt your shenanigans, you dastardly pair of demons!"
"Quiet, Zexy, the grown-ups are talking," Selphie reprimanded with a smirk. "Where does the time go, Kairi? It seems like just three hours ago when you told me, 'Bitch, your time was yesterday.' Well, bitch, I've returned to tell you your time is up and my time is now!"
On cue, Mecha Bartz started playing John Cena's theme via shoulder-mounted boom box.
"Excellent work, Butts," Selphie congratulated, albeit backhandedly.
Nervously swimming in place next to Kairi, Krile the mermaid commented, "Well, it looks like this fight is between the two of you, so I'm just gonna swim this way, and we'll laugh and we'll play…"
"There's no escape." Just then, the two dragons with colorful hairstyles swooped down to greet everyone, landing on either side of Bartz and Selphie. What grabbed Kairi's attention was the fact that she instantly recognized one of the riders but gradually came to realize who the once hooded woman was all along.
"No way," she uttered in disbelief. "Is that…Elsa? And Sora, you can't really be working for her, can you?"
While Sora remained uncharacteristically silent, Selphie answered for him, "Of course, he is under my control—"
"You know, I just thought of something," Bartz blurted out. "How come you don't just put everyone under your mind control? You know, just cast a spell to keep everyone in line? Just seems like it would make more sense when you stop and think about it."
Highly annoyed, we're talking seething at the mouth, Selphie replied curtly, "Really. You're bringing this up now."
Nonchalant as ever, Bartz said, "Well, yeah. It just seems dumb to not cast a spell on everyone when, clearly, you possess the talent, or whatever, to hex a large amount of people at once. Why not just make everyone who opposes you fall asleep until dawn? It'd make things go a lot smoother, that's for sure."
"You…goddamned…" Selphie growled.
"What, maker of sense?" Bartz quipped. "Just explain that one to me—"
"I can't multitask my magic that well, OKAY! It was hard enough putting that huge-ass spell over the whole town, so much so that I needed Elsa's help to make the conjuring possible—oh, and then throwing Thirsty McGee over here under mind-control was a pretty taxing task to say the least—"
"Hmph," Sora grunted with a slight smirk.
"To top it off," Selphie added, looking winded, "I think all this spellcasting is making my skin peel."
Indeed, some of the skin on her face was peeling off like old paint, revealing a sickly green pigment right beneath it.
"Bitchcraft not lookin' so hot, is it Selphie?" Kairi wisecracked.
"Silence, you naked harlot! I'll show you just how cold my witchy-wrath can be! Elsa, that's your cue!"
Excitedly, Elsa conceded, "One pipin' hot blizzard, coming up!"
Giving a single clap of the hands, Elsa performed a stunning amount of ice magic that dramatically pierced the air like a softly blown dandelion. Instantly, the river's temperature began dropping, prompting Krile to anxiously whine, "Oh, I knew I should've swam this way…"
Feeling the water begin to harden around her, Kairi scornfully derided the skeleton behind her, "Guess it's your lucky day, Bonesy-Boy. The show goes on!"
She suddenly sprouted her wings, using them to soar out of the river before it froze her inside. Krile, attempting to swim this way from the cold snap, was not as lucky, becoming an underwater statue in no time flat.
Meanwhile, Kairi stuck the landing on the river's edge closest to Selphie and her gang. Still using her hair for censorship, a surprisingly comfortable-in-her-skin Kairi held her hands to her hips and commanded, "Let's cut the crap. Who do I have to beat some sense into first to show you I'm not playing around?"
Selphie replied—
Oh, wait. First, let's observe that Sora was blushing with a shower of sweat falling down, Zexion's cheek bones were burning up with trails of blood somehow leaking out of his hollow nostrils, and Mecha Bartz delivered an astonished whistle of approval.
Even the dragon with light purple hair commented in a monstrously feminine voice, "Wow. Not bad."
Not impressed, Selphie punned, "Well, let's not beat around the bush, then. Sora…"
"Whuh?" the horny vampire huffed.
"I order you to destroy her…and that's not a euphemism. Literally kill her."
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sora grunted back.
"She's lost her mind," muttered Kairi. Sensing an opportunity to thwart her plans, Kairi continued to be a naked chick, flaunting her goods while saying, "You heard your mistress, Sora. Go ahead and try to stop this…"
Momentarily looking stymied, Sora looked around at everyone watching his every move before deciding to calm down his chakra. Finally, he shot Kairi a battle-ready stare, nodding once before hopping off of the dragon's back.
However, right when he'd launched himself in the air, he made sure to deliver a slow-motion stealthy wink of the eye to the nude succubus down below.
Adeptly, Kairi caught this brief signal.
Sora landed a mere three feet in front of the princess, dialing up the intensity by a few ticks. Keeping his eyes trained on her slightly confused blue irises, Sora gave her a small assuring nod before catapulting his palm into her sternum. This sudden, focused attack caused Kairi to shoot backwards onto the frozen surface of the river, where she slid chaotically until catching her balance via wing-mutation.
Not sure what to trust, Kairi gazed into Sora's eyes again, thus becoming reassured that her vampire lover wasn't so mind-controlled after all…
None the wiser, Selphie cheered on, "Good, Sora! Now turn her into a Whore-Cicle!"
Lightly jumping down onto the icy surface of the river, Sora approached his faux-prey in long, deliberate steps, silently mouthing the words, "On three!"
Totally getting the picture, Kairi made an approving kissy-face.
Sora held out his hands to look threatening, though he was definitely flustered again. "One."
Kairi adopted a Morrigan-inspired fighting stance, waiting for the signal.
"Two…"
"Look at her naked ass shaking in fright! Maybe I should make her my personal stripper or backup dancer?" Selphie was quite annoying that night.
"THREE!" Seizing Kairi around the waistline, Sora used some serious nonhuman strength to throw Kairi in Selphie's direction, then launching himself to unleash a surprise attack on Bartz.
"Oh, HELL NO!" Selphie shrieked, unable to stop the hurtling princess from tackling her from her broom.
Meanwhile, Sora had summoned the Hellzone Key, moving with enough velocity to pierce Bartz through the chest compartment. Taking the time to deliver an honorary one-liner, he muttered vengefully, "Looks like you should've left this mech suit…at the cleaners"
"Wow, way to make me hate my life," said an overwhelmingly face-palmed Bartz.
Kicking off and ripping his sword free, Sora landed and watched a geyser of oil shoot from his wounded opponent's chest, flourishing his Keyblade to cast a decisive magic spell.
"Fire!"
Like a homing missile, the gust of flame zeroed in on Bartz and exploded him to metallic bits and pieces.
Sora had one more in him. "Guess he got too…hot under the collar."
"BARTZ!" the pink-haired dragon suddenly shrieked. "You're going to pay for that, you odious vampire!"
"Oh, shit he got smoked," said the purple-haired dragon. "Maybe we should cut our losses and fly back home?"
Casually, Sora replied, "Settle down, girls. I'm sure there's some convoluted way to bring back the Butthead."
"My, my, Sora," Elsa began, still perched on the purple-haired reptile. "You sure have a penchant for violent behavior. What if you had just permanently killed poor Bartz? How would you explain that to Square Enix?"
"Relax, I'll throw him a Phoenix Down when this is all over. Besides, he was annoying, and speaking of annoying…"
Kairi was in the middle of keeping Selphie in a tight headlock on the ground, clearly possessing the upper hand. Upon seeing Sora stand over them with a playfully victorious grin, the defeated witch bemoaned her failure, "I don't get it! How in the world did you resist my hypnotism?!"
"Oh, c'mon, Selphie! No vampire worth his salt is gonna let himself become hypnotized. It's one of our trademark abilities, don't ya know?"
Skin peeling off in chunks from head to toe, Selphie wailed, "You will rue the day you double crossed the Queen of—"
She received a sharp jab in the back of the head, courtesy of Kairi. Standing over the unconscious witch, the naked succubus declared, "That's a nice outfit, Your Highness. Allow me to keep it safe for you."
With a snap of the fingers, Kairi summoned her own magic swarm of bats, all of which politely lifted Selphie's black and red tube-top, miniskirt, boots, and other pieces. As the bats stripped Selphie down to dress Kairi up, Sora shook his head in irritation, audibly pondering, "I can't believe you were working for Elsa this whole time, Selphie."
"On the contraire, Junior Dracula," Elsa suddenly spoke up, standing behind them. "Selphie didn't become a pawn in my plan until after I'd turned her into that monster…"
Sora and Kairi glanced back at the unconscious witch, noticing her skin had completely peeled to reveal a goblin-esque appearance.
"She got on board eventually, like everyone else who'd tasted the freedom. Well, everyone except you two."
Clenching his fist, Sora demanded, "This ends now, Elsa! Turn everyone back, and we won't have to hurt you."
Laughing like an evil ice witch, Elsa spat, "You fool! If I were you, I'd be more worried about my dragon fighting skills. Lenna, Faris—ATTACK!"
Behold, the two dragons, formerly human sisters from Final Fantasy Five, roared in unison before charging at the two young teens. Taking fighting stances, Sora and Kairi found themselves awash with relief as a certain silver-haired ally landed a fierce dropkick into Faris' scaly face, causing her to ricochet into her sister.
"Boy, are we glad to see you!" Kairi greeted.
"I take it that means you're back on our side," Sora observed.
"You know it." Walking like a hardboiled killer, Riku stated, "I figured you guys needed my expertise."
Meanwhile, Elsa cursed, "Damn it to hell—I didn't expect the raging wolfman to turn over a new leaf!"
"Yeah, well, Terra's got some pretty convincing methods," said Riku with a spooked shudder.
"Curses! Don't expect those dragon sisters to go easy on you!" And with that, Elsa channeled her ice magic into the river again, causing the ice to rise and create a twisting, winding pathway into the dark sky. She jumped and propelled herself along the ice-track, daring to make a quick getaway.
Eyeing the recovering pair of dragons, Riku commanded, "You two go after her! I'll hold off these overgrown lizards until you make her turn us back!"
Sora asked, "Did Terra send anyone else to back you up?"
Summoning his Keyblade gauntlets again, Riku replied, "Just me and my swinging dong. I can handle these two, just go!"
Taking the lead, Kairi said, "We're counting on you, Riku! C'mon Sora!"
"Right!"
Latching onto Sora's back, Kairi morphed her wings into a pair of rocket thrusters, propelling them both along the icy track in search of Elsa; after watching them take off, Riku went battle-ready and held off the jaws of an angry Faris.
Sensing he was about to be cooked by a breath of fire, Riku reeled back and walloped the purple-haired dragon with all his might, sending her flying away. Ready for Lenna's attack, he taunted her, "Consider this a warning: I'm not afraid to hit girl dragons!"
Unimpressed, Lenna said, "And I'm not afraid to step on shit!"
Suddenly, a voice from across the river cheered, "Go Riku! Show that scaly fiend what's what!"
Distracted, Riku turned and said, "Is that Zexion?"
WHACK! The oblivious wolfman was hit with a quick tail-whip. Crashing into the rock Ienzo was just hiding behind, Riku growled at him, "Remind me to kill you later."
Gulping some invisible spit, Ienzo replied uneasily, "Y-Yes, certainly…"
