Guess Who's Staying Forever?
Somewhere in the Arctic Circle…
"What a freaking mess," Snow Job, the GI Joe snow trooper looked around. His scraggly red beard barely peeking out of his white hooded parka. He and several other Joes were looking into the destruction of an unmanned weather outpost put there by a team of scientists.
"We're just lucky that no one was here," Lt. Falcon grumbled as he tried to keep warm. "You think Cobra did this?"
"I don't think so," Scarlett called out. "Guys! Get over here! Get the medics!"
"What? What did you…?" Falcon ran towards her and stopped at the sight. "Oh man!"
"Well at least we know Cobra didn't have anything to do with this," Snow Job said.
"And I got a pretty good idea who…" Falcon growled.
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The Pit's Motor Pool…
"Tiny Bubbles…" Pietro sang as he scrubbed one of the many jeeps that needed to be washed. "In the wine…Tiny bubbles…" He was wearing a black sleeveless T-Shirt and shorts.
"In your brain…" Todd interrupted singing. He was wearing a white T-Shirt and jeans with sneakers. "Tiny bubbles, prove you're quite insane!"
"Stop singing and start scrubbing harder!" Wanda snapped. She was wearing a red halter top and shorts as she washed a jeep. All the Misfits were washing jeeps.
"Why are we doing this again?" Lance sighed as he wiped the sweat off his brow. He was shirtless and wearing his green army pants with brown boots. "I mean I can figure out why I'm being punished. They're still ticked off at me for what happened when we got back from those other dimensions.But what about you guys?"
"Who knows or remembers what we did?" Pietro shrugged. "I mean it could be anything! You know how picky they can be around here! One little shaving cream bomb or one little fire…"
"Or a joyride on a tank?" Wanda asked.
"Yeah like I'm the only one who does that around here!" Pietro snorted.
"You're the only one who got caught," Angelica told him. "Which if you think about it is pretty ironic."
"It could have been for anything we've done the past few years and just now the punishments are catching up to us," Althea admitted.
"Or maybe it was the time we filled the commisary with pudding?" Daria asked.
"But that was a couple of weeks ago," Quinn pointed out. "About the same time we painted the men's lavatories pink."
"Why did we do that anyway?" Brittany asked.
"Because we were bored and out of explosives," Daria explained.
"Oh yeah," Brittany nodded. "Now I remember."
Suddenly there was a huge commotion. Several medics were running towards a few helicopters that were landing. "Hey what's going on?" Todd asked.
"Let's check it out," Lance said. They ran to see the commotion. "What's going on Lifeline?"
"There was an UN Arctic weather base that got trashed," Lifeline explained. "They sent a team out to investigate. They found a survivor…"
"Wait aren't those things usually unmanned?" Althea asked. "I mean all they are is a bunch of computers and some robots in a small building because it's cheaper and too cold to have people up there."
"Normally yes but they found someone," Lifeline told them. "You'll never believe it."
The medics brought in a battered figured on a stretcher. "PYRO?" Lance's jaw dropped.
"Oh man…" Todd winced. "What hit him?"
"He was wrapped in metal bars we had to cut him out of," Snow Job told them as he emerged. "Metal bars that had been manipulated into unnatural positions if you get my drift."
"Magneto…" Wanda growled.
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Later that day in General Hawk's office…
"He's got a concussion, two broken ribs, a broken leg, a fractured wrist, not to mention several cuts and hypothermia," Lifeline told General Hawk, Roadblock, Logan and Xavier. "And some possible brain damage. Although to be fair a lot of it looks like it could have happened earlier. The brain damage I mean."
"Knowing Pyro, that's not hard to believe," Logan snorted.
"I guess Magneto finally couldn't stomach him any more," Roadblock growled. "What a way to show someone the door!"
"Well at least we'll be able to find Magneto now," Logan said.
"I'm afraid it's not that easy Logan," Xavier sighed. "I've scanned his mind and Magneto had the foresight to have one of his telepaths wipe his memory of the exact location of his base."
"So we're back to square one in this race!" Roadblock snarled. "I just wanna bust up Magneto's face!"
"You're unusually bloodthirsty today," Logan looked at Roadblock. "Are you okay? Oh great now you got me doing it!"
"Sorry but this reminds me way too much of how Toad got here," Roadblock explained. "It took him a long time to recover from that."
"Not just him," Hawk pointed out. "He abandoned his own kids and the rest of the Brotherhood."
"I can't believe Erik would be so cold…" Xavier sighed.
"Yeah it's not like he's never done anything like this before," Logan said sarcastically. "I mean he's never abandoned his daughter in a mental institution. Performed genetic experimentation on several mutants. Forced mutants to fight against each other. Abandoned and beat up several other mutants working under him…Oh wait…HE HAS!"
"Sometimes Xavier I think you are way too tolerant of Magneto for your own good," Hawk gave him a look. "I know you two used to be close friends a long time ago but face reality. The man is a menace and has to be stopped!"
"Yeah even Snake Eyes used to fight harder against Storm Shadow back in the day," Roadblock explained. "And they're clan brothers!"
"I know. It's hard to reconcile the man I used to know to the man he's become sometimes," Xavier sighed.
"Then you should take another look at Pyro in the infirmary to help you remember," Roadblock told him.
"Couldn't have said it better myself," Logan grunted.
"Are you sure there's no trace of Magneto's location in Pyro's mind?" Hawk asked deciding to change the conversation. "Any way we can recover the information?"
"No, his mind is too twisted and filled with nightmare images," Xavier sighed. "There's a lot of pain in his mind and fear of humans…and pineapples."
"Pineapples?" Logan looked at Xavier.
"He has a very disturbed mind," Xavier shuddered. "Very disturbed."
"Disturbed is not the word," Roadblock groaned.
"Pineapples?" Logan was still confused. "Why...On second thought I don't want to know."
"So the question remains what do we do with Pyro?" Hawk asked. "I know Fury won't take him. And you know how I feel about handing mutants over to the government labs. Somehow the Australian Ambassador found out we had him. Of course five minutes after reading Pyro's psyche profile he said he was sorry for wasting our time."
"Oh boy…" Roadblock winced. "I can see it coming."
"Xavier? Do you…?" Hawk began.
"No," Xavier shook his head. "I don't think I have enough fire insurance."
"I think we'll let the Misfits have this one," Logan grinned.
"Thanks a lot!" Roadblock rolled his eyes.
"I'm sure it will be fine," Xavier said. "Just hide any pineapples you have in your house."
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"You were right," Pyro sniffed as he lay in his hospital bed. "I gave my all for Magneto and what thanks did I get? He used me! Just tossed me aside like a tissue when he was finished! A used bloody snotty tissue!"
The Misfits were visiting their new team mate in the Misfit Infirmary. "What happened Pyro?" Wanda asked gently.
"Old Bucket Head had enough with me and left me to die after we attacked the station!" Pyro snapped. "So I accidentally set his cape on fire? I put it right out! It's not like I haven't done it before! I mean I did it twice the day before with no problems! You believe me right?" He looked at Shane.
"Uh I guess so," Shane said.
"I know you understand me. You were always a very understanding person," Pyro sniffed as he looked at Shane. "Who are you again?"
"Oh yeah you haven't met some the new guys," Lance said. "This is Shane Shooter, energy bullets. Shooter for short."
"Hey," Shane waved.
"Arcade, our human mascot," Pietro introduced. "Who happened to beat up the X-Men and kick them out of their own home."
"Really?" Pyro raised up an eyebrow. "I'm liking him already. Maybe there are some good humans!"
"Spyder," Lance introduced. "Wall crawling, electric webs. I think you know Lina our medic. That's Larry over there…We call him Foresight." Lance pointed to Larry in his wheelchair.
"Oh yeah he's my roomie," Pyro nodded. "My hospital roomie! I suppose he knows all about me with that telepathy no shielding thing."
"Oh," Angelica looked at Larry who was now wearing his special helmet. "That explains why we heard you screaming earlier."
"When they brought him in I didn't have my helmet on…" Larry had a nervous twitch. "It was a full hour before I could get it on! One full hour!"
"Trinity was fixing it," Althea explained. "In a good way for a change."
"A full hour with his thoughts in my brain…" Larry was still twitching. "Haven't I been emotionally scarred for life enough?"
"Tough break about your old man scrambling your noodle with wiring," Pyro said. "And forced to live in the hospital wing. But look on the bright side, now you have me for company!"
"Apparently I haven't suffered enough," Larry moaned.
"And we all know about you love," Pyro winked at Angelica.
"And this is the No Means No Horn!" Angelica took out a bullhorn and pressed the very loud buzzer in Pyro's ear.
"BUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"
"AAHHHHH!" Pyro winced in pain.
"I'm sure the two of you will be spending lots of time together," Angelica smirked.
"What was that? I have this ringing in my ears," Pyro tried to clean them out. "You want to spend lots of time together?"
Infuriated Angelica pressed the buzzer again. "BUUUUUUUZZZ!"
"You want to eat a lot of lox and thyme together?" Pyro blinked.
BUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
"You want to spend a lot of dimes together?"
BUUUZZZZZZZZ!
"Making lots of rhymes together?"
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUUUUUUZZZZZZ!
"What is this dude's problem?" Shooter asked Todd.
"Let's just say his lighter fluid has always been a little low if you know what I mean?" Todd whispered to him.
"Coming from you guys that's saying something," Shane blinked.
BUUUUUUUUUUUZZZ!
"Mend a lot of limes in a sweater?" Pyro looked a little woozy.
"Close enough," Angelica put the horn down.
"Pyro, Pyro!" Pietro waved at him until Pyro snapped out of it. "So why did Magneto toss you aside?"
"Besides the obvious reason," Angelica muttered underneath her breath.
"He found some other mutants that could actually create fire as well as control it," Pyro snorted. "Said I was obsolete! A total failure! Especially with his new golden boy Rusty. What the hell kind of name is Rusty anyway? Sounds like something you name a golden retriever! Here Rusty! Come Rusty!" He made whistling sounds. "Here boy! Come burn down a government building! That's a good boy! That used to be my job! My job! And I was so good at it!"
"Rusty? Wasn't that the name of one of the Morlocks that were taken against their will?" Lance asked.
"Yeah but thanks to Mastermind and Lucas he and others like him changed their minds pretty quick," Pyro grumbled. "Course his mind was already smaller than Kitty Pryde's bra size."
Pietro snickered. "You would know wouldn't you Pyro?"
"I think everyone in that movie theater in Massachusetts knows," Todd grinned. (1)
"Oh yeah I'd almost forgotten about that," Lance snickered. "You know that's actually funny now that I think about it!"
"They broke up for good," Fred explained to a confused Pyro.
"Well it's about bloody time," Pyro said.
"Yeah well…" Lance stiffened. He whirled around and yelled at open air. "WHO ASKED YOU ANYWAY!"
"Well I was only saying…" Pyro began.
"NOT YOU! HIM!" Lance pointed to someone who wasn't there.
"The wall?" Pyro blinked.
"Lance sometimes sees an imaginary talking Coyote that sounds exactly like Quicksilver," Wanda explained. "It annoys him which annoys us to no end."
"Oh," Pyro nodded. He looked at Lance. "Have you tried giving him a chew toy or something? Dingoes like chew toys!"
"He's a coyote not a dingo," Lance told him.
"Same difference," Pyro shrugged. "Both dumb mutts."
"HAH!" Lance laughed. He turned to the side. "Well I thought it was funny! So tough!"
"You should try setting him on fire," Pyro said.
"Pyro…"Wanda sighed. "We are not going to set Lance's imaginary friend on fire."
"I wish I could set him on fire," Lance grumbled.
"Well why can't you use an imaginary fire?" Pyro asked. "He's an imaginary coyote, why not use an imaginary fire?"
Lance stared at him. "Why the hell didn't I think of that in the first place?"
"Try concentrating real hard!" Pyro suggested. "I'll help you!" He concentrated real hard.
"Yeah, yeah…"Lance concentrated. "Think fire…Think about the stupid coyote burning into cinders!" He glared at the open space. "OH YES IT WILL WORK! YOU'RE SWEATING ALREADY! I CAN TELL!"
"Yeah and then we can burn him real good!" Pyro nodded.
"That's right!" Lance had a crazed look in his eye. "Burn the overgrown flea farm!"
"Al, it's your turn," Wanda sighed.
"Okay Lance it's time for your medication," Althea groaned as she gently took him by the arm and led him out of the room. "After we take our nice purple pills we'll have a good rest."
"Ooh! Can I have some too?" Pyro called out.
"Why not?" Althea sighed as she left.
"Well at least now Lance has a little friend," Fred shrugged.
"Those two would be perfect together in a rubber room," Pietro rolled his eyes.
"Please don't leave me in here alone with him," Larry grabbed Wanda's arm.
"Sorry Larry," Wanda sighed. "Until he's fully healed you're stuck with him."
"Well where the hell is Lifeline when you need him?" Larry snapped.
"Wow this is the most emotional Larry's been ever since he got his brain fried by his old man," Todd blinked.
"A Vulcan would be emotional if he was stuck with Pyro for a roommate," Arcade remarked. "Well based on what you guys told me."
"All right," Low Light walked in with some books. "I see by Lance's ranting at the walls it's about four o'clock and time for you kids to do some schoolwork. You can visit your little warped friend later. Here…" He gave Pyro some books. "Here's some stuff for you to read while you're recovering."
"Books?" Pyro blinked. "Books? With words and pictures and everything?"
"Try not to strain yourself," Low Light said sarcastically. "Now what?"
Tears welled in Pyro's eyes. "This is the new Martha Stewart Book, 'Perfect Entertaining in Prison'."
"Hey is that the one where it shows you how to make a shiv out of home made soap that smells like apples?" Todd asked.
"Yeah well the Blob said you liked Martha Stewart so…" Low Light sighed.
"A book! A real book! A nice book!" Pyro cried out with glee. "I never had a present like this before!"
"That's because people assume he'd burn them," Pietro whispered to Wanda.
"Normally I would but not Martha Stewart! She's a goddess! Nobody's ever been this nice to Pyro!" Pyro managed to grab him in a bear hug. "I LOVE YOU MAN!"
"Why do we get all the nutcases?" Low Light moaned. "Seriously, why?"
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Back at the Xavier Institute Xavier was informing the students of the latest Misfit recruit. Needless to say they were not very happy about it.
"Let me get this straight…" Bobby asked. "Magneto dumped Pyro and now he's with the Misfits?"
"That is correct," Xavier nodded.
This prompted groans and complaints from the entire student body. "That lunatic is back?" Remy shouted.
"There goes the neighborhood!" Bobby moaned. "And anything else that's flamable!"
"This is not happening!" Amara wailed.
"The Misfits were crazy enough before but now..." Kurt said.
"They're like insanity squared!" Kitty whined.
"I knew it!" Scott groaned. "I knew sooner or later he'd wind up at the Misfits! This has disaster written all over it!"
"You're telling me?" Amara yelled. "Now that creep is going to come over singing love songs at me and burning the lawn!"
"At least you don't have to live with him like Angelica," Rahne pointed out. "Poor lass must be out of her mind right now."
"Well with Pyro that's a perfect fit!" Remy said. "That boy is crazy! Crazy I tell you!"
"And that's him saying it," Bobby pointed at thumb at Remy.
"You not exactly a model of stability either Ice Boy," Remy glared at him.
"Yeah but I'm nowhere near as crazy as Pyro," Bobby said.
"Nobody is as near as crazy as Pyro," Amara piped up. "Not even Toad!"
"I'm amazed Magneto put up with him this long!" Peter nodded.
"And now we have to put up with him!" Scott groaned.
"Yes, which brings me to why we are having this little chat," Xavier coughed. "Now we all know sooner or later the Misfits will bring Pyro here."
"Of course they will!" Scott said. "They live to drive us crazy!"
"It's in their motto," Kurt added.
"They have a motto?" Bobby asked. "What is it?"
"Vedi, Vidi, Vexi X-Men," Kurt said.
"I came, I saw, I annoyed the X-Men," Hank translated.
"Which is why instead of doing our regular Danger Room sessions we are going to practice our fire drills today," Xavier sighed. "And afterwards we will be handing out extra fire extinguishers for each of you to keep in your rooms."
"Why do our lives have to change forever like every other day?" Kitty moaned. "Why? What kind of god would allow this?"
"I wouldn't say a god," Kurt groaned. "But a very sick and twisted being definitely!"
(1) Way back in Evolution XMJ, thanks to a little body swapping by a mutant named Switch. Next: More Pyromania! Pyro is here to stay! Oh what fun shall we have! He he…
