Part 7
Inara
Serenity had been made for the black, and so had her crew.
All that travelled within her were born for life in the black, no matter how many winding paths they had to take to get them there.
Mal, he had found the Eden that the good book he'd clung to for so long had preached about. Yes, he'd found it and it wasn't through the way of the Lord… it was through Serenity. If he could, he'd never go planet-side, he'd just sail through the black, free of the constraints of land and man. That was heaven. And it was like he had himself a guardian angel too. Inara Serra had swept into his life, saving him when he hadn't even realised he'd needed saving. But that was the way of it, wasn't it?
He'd never know just how much Serenity and her Captain had saved Inara though. River did. River knew more about the crew of Serenity and than even they knew about themselves. As she wandered into the galley and saw Inara making tea in the kitchen, River smiled, comfortable in the knowledge that Inara's heart was a much a deep well of secrets as hers was.
"Stop that," River muttered suddenly. She looked down sternly. "I said stop it!"
Inara looked up. "Are you okay sweetie?"
"My baby is kicking me. I told it to stop but its refusing to listen. How am I supposed to ever discipline this child?"
"Mei mei, you'll discipline him or her just fine," Inara laughed, her scarlet lips shining. "I think right now the little one's just following in its father's footsteps and deciding not to take orders from anyone!"
"Jayne is a bad influence," River said decisively.
Inara gave her a tender, motherly smile that River had long ago decided was one of the best things in the 'verse. "I agree," she laughed as she sipped her tea. "Would you like to spend a few hours with me on my shuttle while the others are gone?"
"I'd like to later! I can't now – I'm going with them."
Inara's face fell. It was more than disappointment etched on her features, it was abject fear and anxiety. It was only then that she realised that River had black combat boots on and a long black coat. She planted a leg on chair, and slid a knife into the side of one of her boots. Inara quavered at the sight. A young pregnant girl, so slender and vulnerable-looking: what a frightening lie River was. Inara felt sick at the thought of River's potential victims, laughing to themselves at the sight of this girl coming to fight them – they would die so fast at her hand that their smiles would probably still be on their faces.
"River, do you think that wise? You're five months pregnant!" she exclaimed, her voice wavering. Her hands shook so much that she sloshed hot tea on them and had to put the cup down.
River didn't bat an eyelid at her odd behaviour. She knew where it was all coming from. "I'll be fine. I know I'll be fine. Usually, I'm right about these things."
"Yes, of course… but the unexpected can happen. Just a few months ago, it did! River, I really think you should stay," Inara said stiffly.
River put her foot back on the floor, her boot pounding loudly. Her expression was unreadable, her eyes darkening with the images she saw in Inara's mind. She knew her friends still sometimes feared the killer slumbering inside of her. It didn't bother her so much anymore. When she knew there was a battle coming, when she knew she would take lives, those same old automatic reflexes took her over, it all became natural. It was a part of her that she'd despised for a long time, until she'd realised that she wasn't killing needlessly anymore. She wasn't killing for the Alliance anymore, she was killing for her own, for those she loved, so they could survive, live another day.
"Inara. I'll be fine," River said in a sharp voice. "Maybe you should look to yourself though. Simon can help you."
River's suggestion was innocent enough, but Inara felt like she'd been slapped across the face. Her breath caught as River sauntered from the room. She knew what River meant, just as River knew exactly what was going on inside of Inara. Inara stared down into her teacup, suppressing a sob.
Simon can help you.
No, she didn't think he could. She didn't think anyone could fix what was wrong with her, not just in body, but in mind.
-O-
Jayne looked up as River descended the steps into the cargo hold, her stark white dress and jet black coat contrasting sharply just as her pale skin and dark hair did. Jagged sparks of desire went through him as he watched her. It still felt wrong, illicit, punishable-by-Mal's-gun to look at her this way, to think about her this way. He often forgot that his claim on her had long ago been staked, and a part of that claim was growing steadily within her.
He was abruptly shaken from his reverie by Mal's loud voice.
"Albatross. Talk to your brute. Kindly inform him we don't need three and a half thousand guns on a routine drop."
River looked up at Mal, laughter dancing in her eyes. "Xavier's going to double crosses you. You're going to need lots of guns."
Jayne's head shot up from inside the Mule. "Girl's right Mal. That man 'n' his posse are the most trigger happy hun dans in the 'verse, sides us of course. Ya won't be complainin' when one o' these ladies right here saves ya from gettin' shot," he exclaimed. Then an amused, teasing looked crossed his face. "But then again, it's kinda like a mathematical certainty that you will get shot, so I don't suppose they'll do you any good."
Mal gave Jayne a wry look and pointed at River as he crossed the cargo hold. "I blame you!"
"And you're allowed to, because I am a bothersome and burdenful nuisance who's caused you more trouble than anyone else in the 'verse," River recited sweetly, suggesting he'd said this to her many times before and made her repeat it back to him just as many times.
Mal turned around and walked backwards briefly, shooting her a winning smile. "You're learnin' sweetheart."
Jayne sidled up to River, pulling her flush against him. "Well she is a fast learner, ain't ya?"
Mal placed his hands over his ears as he trudged up the steps to the second level. "I am pretending that there was absolutely no sexual innuendo in that statement whatsoever!" he called over his shoulder.
Jayne, wrapped one arm around River's waist, the other weighed down by a very large gun. He gave River a shark-toothed grin. "I can't have my eyes on you the whole time today. You better take good care of yourself," he told her.
River arched an eyebrow, giving him a pointed look.
He rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Yeah, yeah, I know… warrior woman, can kill with your brain." He bent his head and pressed a crushing kiss to her mouth, abruptly cutting off what she was about to say.
Mal returned with Zoë and let out a retching sound. "Just what I like to see. Innocent little girls being corrupted by lecherous old men in my cargo bay. Zoë, I think my eyeballs may be bleeding."
Zoë tilted her head at the sight of Jayne and River, wrinkling her nose. "I'm inclined to agree sir."
River and Jayne pulled apart, unperturbed by Mal and Zoë's teasing.
Jayne grinned over at Mal. "Dead man walking!" he cat-called.
"Shut up, or you'll be the only dead man 'round these parts and ya sure as hell won't be doin' no walkin'!" Mal retorted a little limply.
He was worried, and his weak comeback showed it. He seemed to be taking Jayne's usual mocking to heart this time – Xavier really did like to shoot things. Mostly people's faces.
"I'm inclined to agree sir…" Zoë repeated, smiling slightly.
Mal perked up and smiled self-righteously. "Thank you Zoë."
"… With Jayne."
Mal looked scandalised and utterly betrayed. "I knew you'd turn on me! This 'to the end' stuff you've been feedin' me… it's all been a disturbingly convincing ruse!"
"Yes sir, it surely is. It is a highly ingenious plan that I've been formulating these last ten years, so that I could take command of your boat and claim it as my own. I have been found out. Oh the humanity," Zoë said deadpan, her expression unchanging though mirth danced in her eyes.
Mal narrowed his eyes. "You know, I put up with your husband's sarcasm for many a year Zoë 'cause I knew you were fond of him. But right now I am really not fond of the fact that that sarcasm has rubbed off on you like nobody's business."
Zoë smiled melancholically at the mention of Wash, and shrugged at Mal. "I guess Junior wasn't the only thing he left behind with me," she said in a teasing tone.
"Damn right." Mal sighed. "C'mon, time's money folks. Get a move on!"
Zoë climbed into the driver's seat of the Mule, while Jayne lifted River in effortlessly. He tossed her up a final few guns and she deposited them in the storage boxes behind her. As they powered up, Mal hopped in beside Zoë, his coat fanning out as he did so.
Inara came out on the walk above them, and held up a hand in silent farewell. Mal grinned winningly at her, while she and River shared a meaningful look. River could hear Inara's fragmented thoughts.
Don't let it happen again… Not like last time… Don't get hurt… Don't let it happen… Not like it did to me… Like me…
River knew the 'last time' she was thinking of. 'The last time' had given her enough bad dreams to remember it quite well. But she feared it haunted Inara now, more than it did her.
-O-
It had been just over four months ago. They had been on Greenleaf. Another heist. Another heist that would go wrong. River had had a bad feeling bubbling in her stomach as the Mule whizzed over the land, but she hadn't set much store by it. She always had a bad feeling when they went on heists – that was the very nature of a heist.
Sitting with her in the back of the Mule, Jayne was surreptitiously running a hand over her leg. Mal and Zoë were busy arguing over coordinates and times or some such to notice. No one knew about them yet, despite the fact that they'd been indulging in some slightly more extra-curricular activities for nearly five months.
It came and went – sometimes they could go for weeks without being with one another. They'd just go on jobs and squabble like usual. Other times, the squabbling became arguing, arguing became fighting, fighting became guns drawn at ten paces… which then became River straddling Jayne on the cargo hold floor at one in the morning. Their passion waxed and waned, like the moon, River often thought. This passion had been maintained steadily for the last few months, which had never happened before.
As Jayne's hand moved further up her leg and then finally, actually under her skirt, River shoot Jayne a wide-eyed glare, gesturing pointedly to Mal and Zoë sitting just a few inches away. Jayne almost got the fright of his life when Mal turned around suddenly, and he yanked his hand off of River's leg, whacking Mal in the face as he did so. Jayne just stared at Mal, who was clutching his cheek, bewildered and pissed.
"What in the shiny red ass of Satan is wrong with you?" he demanded.
Jayne was shifty. "Just twitchy boss. Ready to do some killin' is all."
"Uh huh," Mal snapped. He looked to River. "Are you Reading anything out of the ordinary?"
"We're not there yet. I don't see anything."
Mal seemed just as anxious as River felt. "Somethin' just don't feel right," he said contemplatively.
And something wasn't right. As they arrived in Apollo, Kaylee sent them a wave from the bridge of Serenity. There had already been a robbery at the bank they had been planning to hit. They guessed as much when they saw that Alliance soldiers were absolutely swarming the place, demanding identification from everyone who crossed the border into the town. When they got caught in a line of vehicles being stopped by the soldiers outside the town, Zoë and Mal realised that this was really not where they wanted to be.
It had been two years since the Operative had allowed them to slip out of the Alliance's grasp. No longer were their faces broadcast in waves across every planet demanding their capture, but Mal still had an inkling that the Alliance was keeping tabs on them. Maybe not all the time, maybe not with their own eyes, but he knew that there were spies, probably posing as Rim folk, taking stock of their movements.
River Tam was one of the most valuable possessions the Alliance could have, and they desperately wanted her back. Mal didn't think much could stop them from trying, even if their attempts were slower and more covert than they had been before.
They all knew that if River was identified officially that the Alliance would obviously try to apprehend her. Zoë did a sharp U-turn and sped away from Apollo. Mal got Kaylee over the comm and told her to power up and get ready to bring them out of atmo as soon as they arrived back.
Unfortunately for them, their quick getaway had not gone unnoticed. The squadron checking IDs outside the town notified their ship, The Eagle Eye, stationed a few miles above in the sky, of a suspicious vehicle moving west at high speed. The Eagle Eye tracked the Mule with their high visibility surveillance equipment.
Their land cruiser was much faster than the Mule and they were on their tail in minutes.
River turned and stared behind them at the Alliance vehicle. "Seven," she murmured. "Seven men aboard. All armed. Four veterans. Three rookies. They know who we are."
Mal, listening to her soft running commentary, swore loudly in Chinese, and then even louder in English, at this news. Zoë, not panicked, simply put her foot down on the accelerator.
"What are we gonna do?" Jayne said urgently to Mal. "Kaylee don't know how to pull the crazy flyin' Wash could. Serenity can't save us."
"I know," Mal stated. "We're gonna hafta save us. We've had worse odds than this. Two hundred Reavers, remember that one?"
"Killing a purple belly is punishable by death Cap'n."
Mal rounded on his second-in-command viciously. "Since when have you given a damn about the Alliance, Zoë! The Alliance killed the Shepherd. The Alliance created the Reavers – who killed Wash. They woulda made corpses of all of us too. So if they want us, if they want River, then we're ending them. Dong-ma?!"
"Understood sir," Zoë stated. "Just don't wanna add anythin' else to our rap sheet if we don't need to."
"Oh, we need to," Mal said darkly. And that was the end of the conversation.
By time the Mule reached Serenity, the Alliance land cruiser was already signalling them to pull over. Zoë rounded the Mule and turned it to face the cruiser as it halted to a stop. A young man of about twenty exited the cruiser, training a rifle on them.
"Throw down any and all weapons immediately!"
"Now you know that ain't happenin' boy!" Mal called back cheerfully. He jumped down from the Mule.
"Captain Reynolds. I've heard so much about you!" an older man said, coming up behind the younger one. He had grey and white hair, and a full beard. His face was lined and ancient, but despite his obvious age, his body was large and strong. "I'm Lieutenant-Commander Rawley. This is Officer Kray. I believe we'll be arresting you now."
"On what charges?" Zoë snapped darkly.
Rawley laughed. "Mrs. Washburne. You know exactly what charges. That young girl there isn't yours."
Jayne looked at River quickly, a powerful shock of rage hitting him. "She ain't yours neither!" he spat.
"You're the mercenary, aren't you? Well sir, I'm sure you feel just as fiercely about keeping River Tam from us as your two comrades here. But she will always be hunted, and as long as you're with her – so will you."
River swallowed hard, but her expression remained unchanged. "Nobody ever lets me speak for myself," she said in a light, almost cheerful voice.
She hopped down from the Mule, coming to stand beside Mal. Young Officer Kray, obviously well-versed in what River could do, shifted and lifted his rifle quickly.
"No, I don't suppose they do," Rawley said in his deep and craggy voice. "But that may be because you left most of your wits behind you when you left your Academy," he simpered.
River's face changed dramatically, a cloud of darkness descending on her features. She tilted her head. "No. It's because the Alliance took my wits, you son of a bitch."
Jayne and Mal snorted laughingly at River's well-timed display of clarity, while Zoë arched a triumphant eyebrow. Rawley's mouth fell open a little and he moved slightly where he stood, obviously surprised by this lucidity from an apparently disturbed and insane girl.
River stepped closer to Rawley with every word she spoke, her hair and coat flying behind her in the wind. "I'm eighteen. I'm not a child anymore. The Alliance has no power over me. I belong to no one," she said in a dangerously low voice.
It was then that Rawley got to see, up close and personal, the danger deep down inside of the little girl that the Alliance had been looking for for so long.
"And why is it that you're stationed out here on such a back-water planet?" she asked in a gentle, girlish tone. "Hmm? They found out, didn't they? About your… past indiscretions? Then you got shunted to the Rim, doomed to spend the rest of your career hopping from one barren planet to the next, policing lonesome towns and lonesome people."
Rawley's calm expression snapped, and he pulled his gun suddenly, making even Officer Kray flinch with fright. "All right! This is over now! Drop your weapons, you Browncoat scum," he shouted in River's face.
River didn't move a muscle. Mal had whipped out his gun, training it on Rawley. Zoë's was on Kray. Jayne had two guns on both Rawley and Kray. Everyone froze.
"You can't win this. I've got five more men inside the land cruiser," Rawley laughed.
"Yeah? Well, I've got more of a yearning in me to kill you than you'll ever know," Mal shot back in a voice laced with utter venom. "That's all I need."
With that, he shot Rawley in the leg.
Immediately, all hell broke loose. The five men inside the Alliance land cruiser spilled out, guns brandished. Bullets were whizzing everywhere, but River moved with grace dodging every one of them. The first man to attack her got a shattered collarbone for his troubles, and the ones that followed didn't fare much better.
The rookie, Officer Kray, scrambled across the dusty ground, bleeding from the nose where Zoë had hit him with the heel of her hand. Above him River had just downed a senior officer with a kick to the head. As she turned around, Kray stood up sharply, his heart pounding. He'd never known such unbelievable terror. Without even thinking about it, he copied the move he'd just seen her perform – a roundhouse kick – obviously with a lot less precision than she though. He still managed to hit her squarely in the stomach.
Amazingly, River faltered and stumbled back, seeming shocked and dazed. Kray didn't waste time. He kicked her again in the same place, and again, as she stumbled backwards, and did nothing to stop him. She fell to the ground. There was a deafening roar in her ears, and she felt a disorienting ache within her. It was more than physical; she could feel it in her mind, in every fibre of her being. Something was screaming in pain, and it wasn't her.
Mal was the first to notice that River was down. By the way she lay there, so silent and still, he thought she'd been shot, or worse, she was dead. Shrill panic rose in him and he slid across the dust on his knees. She opened her eyes, hardly seeming to see him. He didn't know where she'd been hurt, but she was alive and that was enough.
"Grenade, Jayne! End this!" Mal shouted. He scooped River up in his arms and walked toward Serenity, hardly flinching as he heard a huge explosion behind him.
Zoë was quick on her feet as the Alliance men went down, jumping in the Mule and revving it up, while Jayne hurried to catch up with Mal.
"What's wrong with her?"
"No idea. But I ain't seen nothin' take River down, aside from the Doc's safe word," Mal said gravely.
As he walked up the ramp, the doors opened and there was Simon. From the smoke of the explosion emerged a stumbling Rawley, but Simon was quick off the mark. With the hand gun he held close to his chest, he shot Rawley in the shoulder and he went down again. Simon quickly tossed his gun to Jayne and looked to River.
"What happened to her?" he demanded.
"No idea. I can't find no gunshot wound, nothin'. She ain't got a scratch on her," Mal said breathlessly as they made their way to the infirmary. "Zoë! You 'n' Kaylee get us outta atmo 'fore they land-lock us. NOW!"
Inara joined Simon and Mal as they rushed to the infirmary. Jayne followed slowly, his heart in his throat. Simon had Mal and Jayne stay outside while Inara assisted him. Both he and Inara quickly noticed a blood stain seeping through the material of River's dress.
"She's haemorrhaging," Simon murmured, confused.
"So find out why," Inara said urgently.
She could tell that Simon was reacting differently to this patient than any other. This was River, his own sister. He'd been her doctor for a long time, yes, but he'd never had to see to an actual physical injury. It had all been psychological wounds with River. Now that there was blood, blood coming from his little sister, he feared his brain was going to shut down, and he'd just crumble. Thank God for Inara. She spurred him into action.
River was awake, that much was good, but she was extremely dazed. "He kicked me. In the stomach. It hurts," was all she said.
She seemed very affected by this, considering all that happened was she'd been kicked in the stomach. Tears pooled in her eyes, and she was fighting back panic. Simon couldn't understand how such a minor injury could make her haemorrhage. Surely one man's kick couldn't cause internal injuries that bad? He didn't know what was happening to her, but he was going to find out.
As he worked on her, doing scans, taking x-rays, River kept losing blood. A grey pallor came over her face, and the grip she'd had on Inara's hand went limp.
"She's unconscious Simon," Inara said quickly.
Simon began breathing heavily, a cold sweat pricking on his brow. He saw on the nearby monitor that River's heart rate had slowed dramatically. On another monitor that was hooked to her stomach he noticed something odd. Another heart rate was registering, and while the first monitor showed a slow heart rate, this showed a fast one.
"What?" he murmured.
By now, Serenity was far from Persephone and The Eagle Eye, having shot out across the nearby planet, bouncing a signal that said they'd gone in the other direction. Hopefully, if the Alliance had pursued them, they'd followed the fake signal. Kaylee and Zoë had joined Mal and Jayne outside the infirmary, all bewildered over what had happened to River. They could see Simon and Inara through the glass, their expressions were tight and distressed, and that didn't make their audience outside feel any better.
"Did you either of you see what happened to her?" Mal asked Zoë and Jayne.
"Kray just kicked her in the stomach. That's it," Zoë answered, puzzled. "She went down like she'd been shot. It was bizarre."
"Somethin' else musta happened that nobody saw. River ain't never been hurt. Not like this," Kaylee murmured fearfully.
"It could be some Alliance thing. Some silent trigger," Zoë remarked.
Jayne shot up out of his seat at that, pacing across the room. "Don't talk like that," he said gruffly.
"What's it to you, Jayne?" Mal said quietly.
"Me 'n' her been partners on near every job since Miranda. You think I wanna see her like this?" Jayne snapped.
Mal closed his mouth. It had never occurred to him that Jayne's feelings toward Simon and River had softened over the last few years. It was true he hadn't protested their presence much in recent times, and Mal had noticed that he and River certainly worked well together on jobs. They were totally in unison, but he'd put that down to the fact that River could foresee Jayne's next move – and not because her and Jayne had bonded. Maybe he'd been wrong.
They waited outside for quite a long time. Simon and Inara didn't seem to be doing much now but talking, and Mal went and opened the infirmary door, poking his head in.
"Everything shiny now?" he enquired.
Simon and Inara shared a look. Both had pale faces while River appeared to be unconscious. Mal knew then that something was seriously wrong.
"All right, I'm gonna pull rank. I'm the captain and she's one of my crew. So you're gonna tell me what's wrong with her – now," Mal said sternly.
"Maybe we should wait until River wakes up…" Inara suggested tentatively.
Simon looked like he might pass out himself, but he swallowed hard and glared at the floor. "No," he said firmly. "I need to find out what— I just… I'm going to tell them all. River…" He pressed his hand to his eyes.
Inara's brows came together mournfully. "Mal, give him a moment," she said, ushering him out.
Outside, their fellow crew members looked at Inara expectantly.
"Is she all right?" Kaylee asked immediately.
Inara smiled tightly. "I think so, yes. She fell unconscious, so we don't know how much pain she might be in, but she's stopped haemorrhaging."
"Haemorrhaging?" Zoë repeated. "That boy only kicked her a few times."
Inara looked uncomfortable. "Simon can explain… better. I think we should—"
"Inara." Simon stood in the infirmary doorway, looking incredibly tired and much older than his twenty-four years. "It's all right."
"Simon, we're all just about worryin' ourselves to death out here," Kaylee said. "Tell us if she's okay. This is River. Not a soul in the 'verse can take her down! What's wrong with her?"
Simon gazed at the floor. "Well it's quite simple really Kaylee. She was kicked in the stomach. She wasn't injured. The child growing inside her was."
There was a shocked silence. Jayne stared at Simon unblinkingly, unable to breathe.
Inara placed a comforting hand on Simon's back. "River's pregnant," he choked out. He finally looked up at them all, his eyes red and glassy. He glared at Mal and Jayne. "Now do I need to demand DNA from both of you and test it myself… or is someone going to tell me who did this to her?" he spat viciously.
Inara removed her hand from his back, her face shocked. "Surely you're not suggesting that Mal could have—"
Mal stepped forward to Simon threateningly. "No Inara. He couldn't possibly be suggesting that I forced myself on a girl nigh on half my own age. He couldn't be suggesting that I raped his little sister," he said in a dangerously low voice. "Could you Simon?"
Simon met eyes with him unflinchingly. "You tell me," he said simply.
Zoë stepped between them. "Don't even start this," she said sternly to Mal. She looked to Simon. "The Captain hasn't done anything to River. You don't even know if it's anyone on this ship Simon."
"River's hardly more than a month pregnant! We've hardly been planet-side at all in the last two months," Simon shot back fiercely. "You do the math."
Mal squared his jaw and slowly turned his gaze to Jayne. "Now I don't wanna sully your good name, but I sure know I ain't fathered no child, 'specially not with River… so start talkin' Jayne," he said in a controlled voice.
Simon followed Mal's gaze, a sharp look of realisation coming over him. There was silence, and then a split second later the room erupted. Simon lunged for Jayne, and had to be restrained by both Mal and Zoë. He managed to shake Zoë off, and she stumbled back into Kaylee. He almost got out of Mal's grasp too.
As Mal struggled with him, he glared at Jayne. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't let him at you!" he exclaimed.
Jayne shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. "Here's one – I ain't done nothin' wrong," he said simply, his voice thick with shock. It was clear that he was as stunned as Simon. Overcome with it all, he stomped out of the room.
"Come back here you son of a bitch rapist!" Simon screamed after him.
Kaylee stared after Jayne, tearful. At Simon's words, she turned back, scowling. "Don't go throwin' words like that around," she said softly but sharply.
"Simon you're forgetting the most important thing here," Inara said. "Did you save River's baby?"
Simon relaxed in Mal's iron grip, breathing heavily. "I don't know."
Inara's eyes flashed angrily. "So get in there and help your sister then!" she exclaimed.
"What if she doesn't want it to be saved? What if she's as horrified about it as we are?" Simon asked. "She's been through enough. This is the last thing she needs."
Inara looked like she was very close to slapping Simon. "Don't you dare talk like that. It's not up to you to decide if her baby lives or dies!" she said hysterically. "You are a doctor, first and foremost! You do not let innocent children die!"
Simon's expression was unreadable. He merely wrested himself from Mal's grip and stalked back into the infirmary.
Mal stood there, blinking repeatedly. "I am just confounded. I don't know what to do," he said honestly.
"Talk to Jayne. Find out if he's bein' as truthful as he says he is," Zoë advised.
"Right," Mal breathed. "Right…"
He wandered off, bewildered. Inara and Kaylee stood looking into the infirmary.
"Do you really think Jayne's the father of River's baby?" Kaylee asked.
"I don't know. I just hope when this is all over, River still has a baby," Inara said faintly.
Inara had feared for River that night but Simon had come through, as always. Everything within him had fought against saving this child, this thing that could very well have been forced upon River. But his doctor's ethics won out, and he struggled to bring this almost human inside his sister back to health.
When River woke up, Simon's stony gaze met her bleary one. She shifted, feeling a sharp pain in her abdomen. She reached out for Simon, but he moved away.
"What happened?"
"You've been unconscious for a few hours. You passed out while I was working on you," Simon said tightly.
River noticed Inara beside her. Her presence felt warm and comforting and it was Inara's hand that finally filled her outstretched one. Mal stood over by the door, arms folded, face grave.
"Am I dying?" River joked. "Why are you looking at me like this?"
Inara looked at Simon, but he was leaning against the counter, as far from River as possible. He was obviously totally unable to get the words out of his mouth and tell River what was going on. "Mei mei, did you know that you're pregnant?" she asked softly.
River just gaped at her. "Pregnant. No. I didn't know," she said distantly, her reply almost mechanical.
"How could you not know?" Simon burst out. "You're psychic River!"
"Lately, I could feel a presence. I couldn't tell who it was. But sometimes I can't. That's nothing new. I had no idea that it could be my own… my own baby," River stated. Her voice was devoid of emotion and Inara didn't think the news had really sunk in.
"It's Jayne, isn't it? He's the father?" Mal asked. "I talked to him, but he ain't lettin' anything on. All he's sayin' is he didn't force himself on you, no way, no how."
"Force?" Colour rushed to River's face. "Force? Why would he do that? Even if he tried, I could kill him in five seconds!" she exclaimed. "How could you think he'd… done something to me? Simon – do you honestly think I'd let him if I didn't want to?"
Simon's expression twitched dangerously. "So you did let him?"
River clenched a fist, closing her eyes. Her secret, their secret, hers and Jayne's, it was out, for all of them to know about, to judge. No more clandestine meetings, no more sneaking looks across the table, no more hurried clenches in the corridors while the others' backs were turned…
"Jayne and I—"
Simon cut her off. "'Jayne and I?' There shouldn't even be any such thing!" he raged. "He is twice your age, not to mention he's tried to sell us out more times than I can count! He's hated us since we stepped foot on this ship and now you're… sleeping with him?" he said, almost choking on the words.
"Things have been different since Miranda," River said, unable to bear the disgust on Simon's face. "We got closer. We just… we got closer."
"How long have you been hiding it?" Mal asked calmly.
"Five months," River replied plainly.
"Five months?!" Simon spluttered.
"River's been through enough! We shouldn't judge her on what's already past!" Inara spoke up, glaring. "She's got enough to deal with now!"
River looked to Inara suddenly. "Is my baby all right?"
Inara smiled warmly. "Yes. Your baby is just fine."
River nodded distantly. Her brain did the calculations in a split second – conceiving was approximately a 1 in 3.2 million chance. Then there was the splitting of the cells, division, again and again, until a clump of them were gathered, ready to morph into one whole being. These clinical computations quickly faded away through, and she felt something else take hold. Happiness. She was happy – she'd had no knowledge of this child's existence until a few moments ago… but somewhere in that back of her mind, it registered that it was hers. Her creation. A part of her. Her blood and her body.
Simon seemed empty and dazed. He shook his head, holding his hand up as if to block River from his sight. "I can't believe you kept this from me… All this time you kept this from me. I don't how you could do this."
"She's not some sort of delinquent Simon," Inara said sharply. "She's still River, she's still your sister."
"I'm not so sure," Simon said distantly, looking on the verge of tears.
"As much as I'd love to buck against the Doc's upright pomposity… I gotta agree," Mal said grimly. "This is just all kinds of wrong and indecent… and usually, I'm all for the wrong and indecent."
"Yes. Motherhood is just appalling," Inara said coldly.
"Now, you know that's not what I meant," Mal said dismissively. "What I meant, is River is havin' herself a child with a hired gun twenty years older than her. And this is the same River, the previously and mostly insane trained assassin River, who was just as like to spear us and roast us over an open fire, as she was to pick daisies and call us all Bob. That's why this is wrong."
River looked at Mal with a crooked and mocking smile. "I'll have to get that account of me in writing and have it as a glowing reference if I ever go for another job."
"Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humour while you were busy gettin' all knocked up," Mal returned.
"The Captain – however horrendous what he just said was – is right," Simon said stiffly. "I'm disappointed in you River."
"There's nothing to be disappointed about," River said simply.
Simon hated her easy confidence and comfort at this appalling turn of events. A baby was the last thing she needed to contend with – Jayne's baby no less. He had by no means said his last that night about River and Jayne. He didn't think he'd ever say his last about it. He would never quite settle it rightly within his own mind. That night, his rage had run on utter adrenaline and he'd been forcibly removed from the infirmary so Jayne could talk to River. He virtually spat venom at Jayne when he saw him, but Jayne had nothing to say to him and headed straight to River.
Jayne stood uncomfortably at the door, River looking at him blearily.
"I guess I got you in the family way."
"So they tell me."
"What do we do now?"
"You think I know?"
"You're the genius."
"That doesn't help much when you're having a baby," River said witheringly. She reached out for him. "Don't stay so far away. I couldn't stand it if you hated me too. Simon's been bad enough…"
"Yeah well he's an ass," Jayne muttered, moving closer. "I just woulda liked if this came out a different way. I had to face all of them accusin' me of the worst. Like I could ever force you into anythin'. You'd kill me dead in five seconds."
"That's what I said too!" River exclaimed.
With that, they shared a hearty laugh, and the ice was broken. He sat beside her, and took the hand that had been dangling off the bed. He didn't think about this news he'd gotten, this huge, life-changing news. He couldn't think about that right now. It was too much.
He just thought about River, lying there, needing him and that was enough. River had hardly ever needed him, but she did now, and he knew it was now or never. Step forward or step back. And so he stepped forward, because this was River, and in the five months he'd been with her, there wasn't a second he'd contemplated being without her.
Inara stood outside the infirmary, watching the mismatched couple talk inside. She felt strange as she watched Jayne kiss River's hand. The affection on his face was like nothing she'd seen him express before. She couldn't believe they'd kept this a secret for five months.
Mal came up behind her, tentatively wrapping his arms around her waist. "You all right?"
"I am now," she said, smiling fondly.
"Ain't it wonderful?" Mal snorted.
Looking at his Reader and his mercenary, being all couple-like, it just felt wrong. It looked wrong. But he was being an adult about it. He hadn't threatened Jayne with the airlock or with a loaded gun or even with a severe beating. He was fairly proud of himself. He wasn't quite sure how he was going to handle this, or even if he was going to handle this. Strangely, it felt like one of those times when being captain didn't matter much – like when Zoë had said she was marrying Wash and there was nothing he could do to stop her. Kind like that.
"Mal," Inara said gently. "I have to tell you something."
"I'm all ears," he said, resting his chin on her head.
"This happened to me once."
"This?"
"What almost happened to River. But it wasn't 'almost' with me. It did happen. I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage," Inara whispered, revealing something she'd told no one in ten years.
Mal was silent with shock. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" he finally said.
Inara fought to remain composed. "I didn't know how. It hurt for a long time. It's part of the reason why I distanced myself from the Guild. When I met you, it was after I'd just reached my wit's end. I'd spent seven years trying to escape the pain, but it never went away. So I ran to the black… and found you."
"I'm glad you did," he said distantly, trying to comprehend this news.
"So am I."
-O-
The first of only two people she'd told, until Mal, hadn't been so understanding. Her mother stood before her, her eyes blazing with untold fury.
"How could you be so utterly stupid Inara?" Lenora Serra raged, red spots of anger marring her beautiful face.
Eighteen year old Inara looked away, her swollen eyes staring at the floor.
She'd only been a registered Companion for six months. Everything was so new. She'd gotten caught up in the elegance, in the extravagance, in the excitement. Everywhere she went, men and women alike envied and desired her. She was a tantalising, unattainable enigma, and people were mesmerised. It was all so much to comprehend, something was bound to slip, she was bound to slip. And she had.
Oscar Oseman, High Senator of Sihnon, had unknowingly fathered a child with the exotic, gorgeous Companion he'd employed for a month-long diplomatic trip across the Core worlds. But where was this gorgeous Companion to find solace now? She wasn't the composed woman she appeared to her clients, all seven that she'd had in her short career. In reality, she was a child, a girl, and she hadn't been ready for the life of a Companion, not yet.
And now both she and her mother were to face shame and embarrassment. Her mother of course, had gotten pregnant with Inara while working as a Companion as well, in her mid-twenties. She'd never revealed the father's name to Inara, and probably to no one else either. She'd become revered and respected because of her strength and persistence. She'd raised an illegitimate child and still managed to continue a high-flying career as a Companion.
"I'm sorry Mother. I didn't mean to disappoint you," Inara said softly.
"Well you have," Lenora said sharply.
She wasn't the kind, serene woman she often appeared to be. Lerona Serra had a fiery temper and an iron will. She hadn't managed to raise a child and continue a busy career without sacrifice. Something had had to suffer, and usually, it had been Inara. She wasn't close to her daughter, and didn't even pretend to be. Inara confided in others, rather than her own mother, but she couldn't possibly have told anyone else this news. She was too ashamed.
Lenora surveyed her coldly. "You have two options Inara. You rid yourself of this child immediately, and continue with an illustrious career, saying no more of it. Or you have this child, and you condemn yourself forever."
"But you had a child and a career. You weren't condemned, why should I be?" Inara said desperately.
"Because you are no Lerona Serra. You have none of my finesse, I am sad to say. You couldn't possibly pull off the glorious phoenix from the ashes performance I did," she replied disdainfully. "It was only through my power and my popularity that I prevented myself from enduring life-long shame. You have been a Companion for just six months. You have no contacts, no friends in high places to fall back on. You are alone Inara. If you have this child, you must retreat into seclusion and remove yourself from public life. Could you do that?"
Inara went to the window, gazing out on the beauty of Sihnon. "Why should I have to? Having a child without a husband is no shame."
"No, of course it isn't – not for ordinary women. But it is for a Companion. We are of a different class to everyone else. We are a law unto ourselves. We have our own customs and rules. Having a child by a client is unacceptable. If wealthy men think we are trying to trap them into fatherhood none will want to employ us!"
"I don't want to have to choose between my child and my career," Inara said quietly.
"But you do have to choose," Lenora stated. "You are not ready for a child, Inara."
"I wasn't ready to be a Companion either," Inara said emptily.
"You should have thought of that before you slipped into High Senator Oseman's bed," Lenora spat archly.
With that she stalked out of the room, slamming the door. Inara flinched. What was she supposed to do? How could she make this decision? For some days she stayed alone, battling with herself over this. She was still undecided when a news report came over the Cortex, saying that High Senator Oseman had returned from a conference on Persephone.
A thrill of fear ran through Inara. Could she do it? Could she tell him? Maybe he was her answer! Maybe if Oscar Oseman acknowledged that he'd fathered this child, and didn't accuse her of trying to trap him or something, maybe then she could have this baby and continue her career. Maybe her mother was wrong! Inara waved Oseman's office on a spur of the moment whim, and requested a private meeting with him the following day.
Her nerves troubled her all night. She hardly slept at all. She went back on her decision to tell the High Senator a thousand times. By time she was scheduled to meet him, she was totally unsure of herself, and totally unsure of what his reaction would be. But she put on a brave face and her most gorgeous dress. The red and golden gown accentuated her shapely hips and chest, and brought colour to her pale face. It gave her confidence and she piloted her shuttle to Oseman's private residence with a clear head.
He came out to meet her on the landing pad with an energetic smile. As she disembarked, a terrified flutter ran through her at the sight of him. He was incredibly handsome, his jet black hair falling endearingly in his eyes now and then. He was nearly twenty years older than her, but his face was smooth and unlined, his green eyes friendly and wide. He was tall, 6"3', and had large, broad shoulders, which Inara had always loved, but today, she was just intimidated by his stature.
"High Senator Oseman," she greeted him.
He embraced her, kissing her cheek. "None of that. It's Oscar to you."
"Oscar."
He gazed at her affectionately. "Come. I have lunch laid out for us."
He took her hand in an achingly familiar way, and led her through his exquisite house and out onto a grand balcony, where a sumptuous meal was set out. Sitting across the table from her, he stared at her fondly, giving her big smiles as they began the meal.
"I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see you again. You look superb," he enthused.
"Thank you."
"I said to myself, when I return from Persephone, I'm calling Miss Serra again, and I'm taking her to the opera," Oscar laughed. "How you loved the opera the last time we went."
"I did," Inara replied, without any enthusiasm whatsoever. "I always have."
Oscar frowned. "Is there something the matter?"
Inara swallowed hard. She supposed there was no point prolonging this. "Oscar… I'm ashamed to admit this, but I have made a mistake. I've failed you, as a Companion and as a friend."
Oscar put down his glass and leaned forward. "My Lord, is it as bad as all that?"
"Oscar, during our time together, I became pregnant. I'm carrying your child," Inara said quickly, pointedly avoiding his eyes.
When there was utter silence, she dared to look up at him. He was staring at her, stunned.
"I… I'm…" Oscar stood up, going to the balcony wall. "Inara, I am at a loss."
"I'm not here to demand anything of you. I just wanted to tell you Oscar, because I value your friendship so much," she said softly. "As a Companion, I have committed the worst sin there is – becoming pregnant by a client."
Oscar turned to look at her. "Then as a client, I too have committed the worst sin there is – I fell in love with a woman I couldn't have."
Inara was beyond stunned. "What?"
"As you know, I was married. My ex-wife was unable to have children, and it tore us apart. I'm thirty-five Inara. I have longed for a child, I have longed to be able to share this house, this wealth with my offspring. I never imagined I would get the opportunity to do so this soon, let alone with a woman so very young…" Oscar went to her, kneeling and taking her hands. "But I cannot pretend I am unhappy about this Inara. You are a beauty, a wonder, and I have longed for you every moment we've been apart. The thought of you bearing my child is an absolute delight to me."
Inara couldn't form words. She merely stared at Oscar. She hadn't expected such a reaction, not by a long shot. Acceptance is all she'd wanted. This – this was so astonishing.
"Inara, if you would have me, I'm yours. I don't expect my love to be returned, I don't expect anything, but for you to allow me to be a father to this child."
"Allow? Allow?" She was incredulous. "Oscar, I would be utterly thrilled if you were to be a part of this child's life," she breathed.
The next few hours passed in a blur of delight and elation for Inara. Oscar was excited and ecstatic. He swept Inara up in his happiness, and she was finally able to enjoy the prospect of having a child. His child. She was having High Senator Oscar Oseman's child – and he wanted it! He wanted her! Her mother had been wrong. She would not be cast out, at least not by the person that mattered.
She didn't know what was going to happen between her and Oscar. She didn't know if she was ready to live with him. She didn't know if she felt enough for him yet to commit to him. But she knew that she was supported in this, she knew she wasn't alone. That was enough.
She departed Oscar's mansion that evening in a haze of joy, but it was quickly dulled by her mother's reaction.
"You told him? Are you quite insane?" Lenora shouted.
But there were no tears from Inara this time. She merely smiled. "Yes Mother, I told him. And he was wonderful."
Lenora sneered, laughing mockingly. "Oh I'm sure. The High Senator of Sihnon has accepted an eighteen year old Companion, an undistinguished and unrefined Companion at that, as the mother of his child?"
Inara, as always, was taken aback by her mother's blunt disdain. She was sure she should've been used to such insults by now, but she didn't think she'd ever be used to it. She took a deep breath. She wouldn't let her mother ruin this.
"Yes Mother. He's accepted me. More than that, he wants me. Not just the baby, but me. He said he's fallen for me since our time together. He's ecstatic."
"This is utterly ridiculous!" Lenora said shrilly. "Unheard of."
"Maybe it's simply unheard of to you," Inara stated coolly. She realised something then, something she should've thought of long ago. "You told him, didn't you? My father. And he didn't want to know. He didn't want you. That's why you can't stand to see Oscar want me and this baby. Well, I'm sorry Mother, but Oscar is an honourable man, a brilliant man. And even if he hadn't supported me in this, I know I never would have become like you – twisted and bitter. That would have been worse than any shame or condemnation."
Lenora's face contorted into a mask of fury and she slapped Inara across the face. "Do not speak to me like this. You are a disgrace to the Serra name."
Inara gripped her stinging face. "No Mother. I'm a credit to the Serra name," she said shortly. "You are the disgrace."
The rift between Lenora Serra and her daughter became well-known in the years following that night, and the public embarrassment that Lenora had so desperately wanted to avoid became, in the end, utterly unavoidable.
Inara retreated into Oscar's safe embrace, vowing to see out her pregnancy in comfort and contentment. But it was not to be. The day before Oscar was about to announce the news about his and Inara's baby to all of Sihnon, everything fell apart. Inara had been feeling strange all day, and finally a horrible pain shot down her arm and across her chest, and she collapsed at the foot of the grand staircase in his mansion. She woke up the following day in a lavish room in a private hospital.
Oscar's grave and tearful face was the first thing she saw. He reached out and gripped her hand, forcing a smile.
"My Inara, my sweet Inara."
"It's gone. The baby's gone," she said in an empty voice.
"Yes, my darling. I'm so very sorry," Oscar murmured.
Inara listened to the doctors over the next few days, blandly taking in everything they said. An ectopic pregnancy. It had been an ectopic pregnancy. There was nothing anyone could have done. Nothing at all. Her baby had never had a chance. She was informed that she had internal injuries that may require her to have a hysterectomy in later years. Her uterus was damaged; one of her fallopian tubes severely so. She may never be able to conceive naturally, and if she did, she probably wouldn't ever carry a child to term. They couldn't help her, only her own body could heal the damage now.
Oscar was wonderful of course; he tried to be her rock, even though he was clearly devastated himself. Inara found herself keeping him at arm's length though. She had to grapple with this herself and she couldn't do it seeing his grief as well. It was too much. Despite the fact that Oscar Oseman clearly loved her dearly, Inara didn't stay with him. She didn't marry him, like he begged her to. She took a sabbatical from work, and she travelled.
When she returned, five months after her miscarriage, she reunited with Oscar, but she couldn't bear to become close to him again. Every few months, he would take her off on holiday, opera trips included, but she never succumbed to loving him. She couldn't.
When she decided to join Serenity, and become a travelling Companion, Oscar had probably been the one to miss her the most, even out of all of her Guild friends. But they'd been one another's shoulder to lean on for six years. They'd become mired in their grief over their lost baby, and neither had ever truly moved on.
Oscar was still without a wife, without any children. He was still waiting for Inara Serra to return from the black and give him the life he'd wanted with her. Inara couldn't bear to contact him and tell him she'd already met the man she was going to give that life to. Someday, she knew he'd find out and be devastated. If she gathered up the courage, perhaps she'd be the one to tell him. But for now, she left that life-that-never-was behind. It was gone, just like the baby-that-never-was.
What she had now was Mal, and Serenity, and her wonderful friends. Even if she never had the children she so desperately wanted, at least she still had everyone else.
-O-
Inara paced her shuttle, one hand clutching her stomach, her fingers digging painfully into her flesh. She felt that same old grief overcome her again. It was a wound that had never really healed, no matter how much time passed, no matter how far she ran. There were four women aboard Serenity, and two of them had or would bear a child. Kaylee probably wouldn't be far behind, judging from the envious looks she cast Zoë and River.
All of them were healthy and fertile, while Inara felt utterly barren. She was in the prime of her youth, she should have been a blossoming flower, instead she felt like a rotting, twisted root.
She had no idea what Mal's views on children were, it wasn't something they'd talked about yet. They were only just managing to deal with one another, let alone their future. But she'd often watched Mal walk about the ship with Hobie following in his wake copying his moves. She saw how Mal delighted in the boy and treated him like his own. She'd even seen Mal drop to his knees before River's stomach and shouts silly orders at the unborn child curled inside. However surly and cynical he was, however dangerous his life was, Inara knew Mal was the kind of man who was perfect for fatherhood.
So Inara needed to know. She needed to know for sure. Because her life had righted itself again. She was Inara Serra the woman, finally, and Malcolm Reynolds had helped her to become her. She wanted to know if she'd ever be able to complete his life, like he'd completed hers.
With a heavy heart, she walked to the infirmary, and heard high-pitched laughter. Kaylee, covered in engine oil, stood like a cheerful, life-sized stain on the clean white backdrop of the infirmary. Simon was tidying some drawers, gingerly guiding Kaylee away from anything she might brush against. Inara hung back until Kaylee left the infirmary, purposely passing up against the doorframe just to annoy Simon and leaving a long black streak of oil.
Simon shouted half-hearted threats after her and clucked like a mother hen over the dirty doorframe.
Inara stepped out of the shadows. "Am I interrupting some spring cleaning?"
"No… it's just Kaylee's handiwork," Simon sighed. "Come on in. I'll see to that later."
"I just wanted you to give me a check up," Inara said in a choked voice.
"Oh? But you just had one. Do you feel ill or something?"
Inara wrung her hands. "No it's just… Simon… You know of course, that being a registered Companion, the Guild requires me to have two annual medical evaluations. I… I've never had them check everything. One thing, in particular. I suppose, I've been afraid to know the truth, and I didn't want them to tell me the worst."
Simon tossed his cleaning rag in a nearby sink, and placed a hand on his hip. "What's this about Inara?"
"I had an ectopic pregnancy ten years ago, and it gave me internal injuries," Inara said in all of a rush. "They told me I might never be able to have children, and I just wanted to know for certain. Finally. I just want to lay all my worries to rest, once and for all. I just… I just want to know."
Simon stared at her, gaping for a moment. He pushed aside his compassion and his shock for Inara as a friend, and became her doctor. He smiled that shining smile of professionalism that had reassured all his patients in his time as a doctor. "Of course. Let's get to work then."
An hour or so later, the Mule came trundling into the cargo bay. Mal hopped out, cheerfully shouting orders, and went to stand at the entrance, hands on his hips. A job well done. No one got angry, no one got trigger-happy, no one got shot. But that's not to say no one got hurt. He cringed on thinking about what River's knife had done to that one guy's foot.
But in any case, he had cash in hand. He could pay his crew, put food on the table, more importantly, take Inara out for a fine dinner in a fine restaurant. A restaurant where you couldn't hear the owners killing the livestock out back, like the last one he'd had the misfortune to bring her to.
Kaylee skipped into the cargo hold, holding hands with Hobie. "Everything shiny?"
Mal beamed. "Shiny as a really, really shiny thing!"
"You have a wonderful way with words sir. Really," Zoë stated, kissing her son as she passed by.
"I think Kaylee might be gettin' herself a whole crate o' strawberries with her pay this month!" he exclaimed to Hobie.
Kaylee squeaked and picked Hobie up, spinning him around.
"I take it all went well?" Simon called from the upper level.
Mal grinned up at him. "Doc, it went superb. One man has a few less toes 'cause of your sister here, but other than that…"
Jayne smirked at River proudly. "You do enjoy skewerin' folk with that knife, dontcha?"
"He was rude to Mal. I don't like rude people," River said simply.
"Oh, you best watch out then Jayne. You're the rudest fella ever to walk, talk and spit," Mal chortled.
"Well I always sleep with one eye open anyhow," Jayne snarked back.
When Inara swept out behind Simon on the walk, Mal's face lit up. He took the stairs three at a time and landed with a breathless thump beside her.
"Quite an entrance Captain Reynolds," she exclaimed.
He grabbed her and spun her around, eliciting a surprised scream from her. River looked up at them, and met eyes with Inara over Mal's shoulder. Inara smiled widely, her eyes sparkling.
River smiled back. "I knew Simon could help her," she murmured.
Inara Serra let Malcolm Reynolds spin her about until she was dizzy with glee. And River couldn't help but notice the vibrant pink flush in Inara's cheeks, somewhat like a blossoming flower.
-O-
