Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
A/N: Holy Shinigamis! I am sorry for the incredibly late update! I wouldn't be surprised if I turned some people away with my tardiness! Life has been all over the place for me for the past month (due to a bunch of undesirable aspects of reality), but I have not given this story up! I've got way too much of this thing plotted out to give up! I appreciate everyone who is still following this fic and who are reviewing as well!
Oh, and I wanted to "give" this chapter to Niharumari because she seriously motivated my butt to continue writing this chapter! Thanks, pal!
Chapter 7
"People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure." - Anonymous
...
Sleep was a struggle that first night in captivity. I finally dozed off into a restless sleep at around 2:30 a.m. and naturally woke up around 5:00 a.m. The room was still dark when I stumbled out of bed and sauntered over to the dresser to grab some clean clothes. It was only after I exited the bathroom that I noticed a large, tan envelope peeking halfway through the bottom of the bedroom door. The light from the bathroom illuminated the corner of the envelope, as if a spotlight was beaming down on the mysterious package, accentuating the importance that seemed to be radiating from it.
After retrieving the package, I sat down at the little desk in the room and switched on a lamp. The envelope was addressed to me. Written in bold characters underneath my name were the words: Please read immediately upon receiving. The information is essential for your meeting today.
Meeting?
I slid the thick contents of the envelope out and began to read. It took me about fifteen minutes to read through everything contained in the envelope, and then another ten minutes to review.
It took me another additional five minutes to truly process what I had just read.
It took me one minute to swallow down all of my nervousness.
It only took one second for me to realize how much I was beginning to hate Inspector Ryuga.
...
The apartment was quite lovely. It was the type of place I would have liked for myself when I eventually moved out. But the new furniture and fully stocked fridge were all a sham. My unpacked suitcase in the bedroom down the hall was bogus. And the performance that I had just given was disgraceful.
After reading through the envelope's contents that morning, I had begun to pack my suitcase. The way I had carelessly tossed my belongings into the wide, gapping mouth of the suitcase was the only way I could express my bitterness and rage without causing a scene. It had taken every inch of control that I had within myself to not rip up the envelope and what it contained.
The strange thing was that I had known the night before that I would have to go through something like what was mentioned in the papers. But that knowledge hadn't softened the blow that arrived that morning in a neatly addressed envelope.
Inspector Ryuga, who I assumed had written the instructions contained in the package, had instructed me to be ready, along with my packed suitcase, by the bedroom door at 11:00 sharp. Matsuda would come and fetch me, as if I was some possession, and drive me to the apartment that was rented out by the NPA. The apartment that was masking as the lodgings where the "witness protection program" had placed me. The apartment that Aunt Sachiko, Light, and Sayu would come and visit me at.
Uncle had failed to mention to me the night before that I was going to be seeing my other relatives the next day, in order to explain to them what had happened, how I was doing, and to show them my new, temporary home.
I had done just that. I had followed Inspector Ryuga's lengthy and detailed script of what I was going to say to my family when I encountered them, how I was going to say it, and how I was going to behave. I believed I had done a disturbingly superb acting job.
I had had just enough distress and drama infused in my voice, words, and face when I had described to them the incident that had led to my placement in the program. I had been perfectly reassuring when I had explained how my parents were "just happy that I was safe and sound" and that I was looking forward to the experience of living on my own. I had graciously shown them the apartment and hospitably offered them some refreshments. I had sweetly smiled the whole time when they were being shown out the door after our visit, in order to show them how un-traumatized I was.
Looking back on how my aunt and cousins had entered the apartment with worry and unanswered questions, and how they had left looking somewhat reassured and relieved, I was almost proud with myself on how I had fooled them in believing that everything was okay, that I was alright.
Of course the whole visit had been monitored with cameras placed everywhere within the apartment and Matsuda had even been sitting in the apartment next door, waiting to drive me back to my real "home" when the visit had ended. I had been instructed to use the phone in the apartment to call Matsuda's cell phone when I was ready to leave.
Which was what I was currently supposed to be doing as I sat on the couch in the little living room section, admiring the apartment. Auntie, Light, and Sayu had just left about five minutes ago and I was struggling to arrange my tattered emotions. During the entire visit I had struggled to compose myself into the calm, polite girl that they were used to seeing. I only allowed my sadness to show through when it was appropriate, and only in little amounts. I had almost lost it when Aunt Sachiko had explained that they had been so worried when I hadn't come home. She had sent Light out to the university to see if I had remained at school late. I felt even worse when I found out that Light and Sayu were missing their lunch periods at school in order to come visit me. They had been, and continued to be, so concerned for me and I was repaying them by lying straight to their faces.
I felt like a traitor to my own family.
And it was all Inspector Ryuga's fault. He was the one who made me lie to them. He was the one who was making my life hell at the moment. He was the one who had the control and power.
He was the one who was probably watching me at that moment, sulking on the couch. I abruptly looked up at the ceiling and the corners in the room, trying to determine where the cameras may be. As upset as I was at that moment, I didn't want him to see my despair. He didn't deserve to see how vulnerable I was. I straightened up in my seat and tucked my hair behind my ears.
You can't break me that easily. I'm stronger than you think. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of seeing how distressed I am. No one needs to know. No one needs to see.
I reached for the phone sitting on the coffee table and retrieved the little piece of paper with Matsuda's number on it from my pocket.
Matsuda answered after the first ring.
"All ready to go?"
"Uh, well, not yet actually. I still need to pack all of my stuff back up." I cast a disgruntled look towards the end of the hallway where the bedroom was.
"Oh, that's okay! I'll come right over and help you pack!"
I stiffened and withheld a sigh. "Uh, that's very nice of you, Matsuda, but you helped me out yesterday and I don't want to be any trouble-"
"It's no trouble at all! Besides, I have to remain here until you're ready to leave anyways. Might as well help! I'll see you in a sec!"
Matsuda hung up and I momentarily let my composed countenance slip as I slouched into the couch cushions. As nice as Matsuda was being, I really wanted time to myself to digest the situation that had just occurred.
Then again, maybe it was for the best that Matsuda was going to help me pack, since he would distract me from thinking about how much I had lied to my family.
With Matsuda's help we packed up my suitcase in no time. Inspector Ryuga had instructed that I bring my suitcase to the apartment. It would have looked beyond suspicious if there weren't any of my belongings in the apartment. Although it made sense that I had to bring my things to the apartment for the charade, I couldn't help but feel angry that the time unpacking my luggage the night before had all been a waste of time.
Then again, I did enjoy my time spent talking with Matsuda when we were unpacking, so I guess it wasn't too much of a waste of time.
Matsuda seemed to sense that I wasn't in the mood to talk when we were packing up though. He tried chatting and I tried to contribute to the conversation, but he appeared to sense how forced my responses were and ceased from talking.
The car ride back to the hotel was in silence as well.
When we arrived back in the suite and Matsuda lugged my suitcase into the bedroom (he had insisted, even though I had told him I could manage; I still think he was blaming himself for the situation I found myself in), I broke the long silence that had been surrounding us.
"Um, do you think that I could, um, talk with Inspector Ryuga? It would be really quick. I just need to ask him something."
The last thing I want to do is spend time talking to him longer than I need to.
Matsuda scratched his head and set his hands on his hips. His nose scrunched up slightly, as if he had an itch. He looked like he was thinking hard about something.
"Um, I don't actually know, Etsuko. He's usually pretty busy. Or I could just ask him whatever you wanted to ask him."
It was my turn to scrunch up my nose and think hard. It would be easier to just have Matsuda ask Inspector Ryuga and then I wouldn't have to encounter that weirdo. I nodded slowly and looked at Matsuda.
"Uh, well, if you're sure? I mean, sure! I just wanted to ask him if it would be alright if, well. You see, he had mentioned that I could have some visits with family members. In the apartment of course. He said that it wouldn't be often, but I thought if I asked him now, he would be able to tell me when I could, um, visit with my cousin. With Light."
Matsuda had nodded continuously while I had been talking, as if to reassure me that my request was completely reasonable. He smiled and said, "Sure! I'll ask him as soon as I see him. I'm sure he'll understand that it's important that you spend some time with family at the moment. For the support and all. I mean, even though you can't tell them that, well, you know. The whole story and all, but...you know."
I smiled sadly and nodded once. Although Matsuda sounded so confident that Inspector Ryuga would allow me to visit with Light, I didn't share his enthusiastic conviction.
Inspector Ryuga doesn't seem like the type who believes in social support. He doesn't seem to understand or acquire any social manners, never mind trying to understand the importance of family in a time like this.
But I didn't say any of this to Matsuda and said as I retrieved the handle of my suitcase from him, "Thanks, Matsuda. I really appreciate it. I'm sure you would do a better job talking to Inspector Ryuga than I would."
Matsuda blinked and attempted a smile, but it fell flat as he shrugged and said, "Oh, I don't know. I'll try my best though."
Maybe it was because of the time we had spent together unpacking and packing my suitcase that he felt comfortable enough telling me the next words that came out of his mouth.
"I don't think Inspector Ryuga thinks too highly of me, to tell you the truth."
I blinked and frowned a little, bothered by what Matsuda had just said. Before I could really think of how to phrase my words properly, I simply spouted out without thinking, "Well, he should think highly of you. You sacrificed your whole day to chauffeur me around and to help me out, even though that's not your duty as an officer. I didn't see him doing that. Or any of the other police officers."
Matsuda stared at me and looked a bit confused before letting his natural smile slip back onto his face. Albeit, his smile appeared almost shy-like, but it was there nonetheless. I, on the other hand, was mortified by how open and honest I had been. It sounded too forward and just, just...
"Uh, sorry, I mean, I meant that...um, it was very nice that you did all that for me today and you didn't have to, but you did and -"
Matsuda chuckled softly and waved one of his hands slightly in front of himself. "It was no bother, Etsuko. Just like it's no bother for me to go ask him."
I wanted to groan, hating how awkward I had to make everything, but Matsuda didn't seem bothered by my babbling. He flashed me a quick, reassuring smile before he exited the bedroom and I was left staring at the door that he had left through.
Why was I so skitterish with my words? It was an easy compliment to make, so why did I babble so much?
As I began to unpack my suitcase for the third time, I concluded that not getting enough sleep and not eating anything (I had been too nauseous before and during my visit with my relatives to eat anything) were the reasons why I had had difficulty speaking a couple of seconds ago.
My thoughts quickly changed to worrying ideas of Inspector Ryuga rejecting my request to visit with Light. It hadn't been hard to see that Light had had a lot of unanswered questions swirling around behind his eyes when he had visited with his mom and sister. Before they had left, he had quietly asked me if he could visit in the near future. To see how I was doing in a couple of days, he had explained. I had told him that I would run a date through the "program" and get back to him on when a good time would be to meet. I could tell that he didn't understand why I had to ask permission to visit with family. But, hopefully, I would have an explanation for him when he visited next time.
Or more like an excuse that Inspector Ryuga would make up for me to tell him.
My doubts that Inspector Ryuga would permit me a visit with my cousin hadn't ceased even after I finished unpacking. I sighed and sat on the ground, staring at nothing in particular.
It was the first day of who knew how many more days to come in confinement. A stark reality that made me queasy just thinking about it.
...
In those first two days of confinement, it appeared as if my doubts were completely legit.
Matsuda had informed me later on that same day that he had talked to Inspector Ryuga about my request, but I hadn't received any answer from that weirdo in two days. In fact, I didn't really have any type of meaningful human contact in those couple of days. Matsuda would sometimes pop his head into my room to say a brief "hello" before being called back into the main area of the suite by one of the other task force members. Uncle had attempted various times to talk with me about how I was feeling. We both found it awkward though sitting across from each other and trying to discuss the situation at hand. I was used to talking with him about how school was going and those sort of light topics, not about my emotions, which were an absolute mess. I couldn't bear to tell him how lonely and upset I was. Besides being too uncomfortable to tell him, I didn't want to heap on even more emotional baggage onto his shoulders. Every time I saw him he looked completely exhausted and was bleary-eyed with worry. He was worried about me and I was worried about him. Neither one of us would do each other any good talking to one another about our battered emotions.
The only other human contact I had was with some old man named Watari who would bring me my meals and ask if I needed any laundry done or such. At first I thought he worked for the hotel, but then realized that there was no way Inspector Ryuga would let a hotel employee into the suite, or else they would have to be confined as well. The man seemed too old and distinguished to be a police officer and his accent was foreign sounding like Inspector Ryuga's. I concluded that the only logical explanation was that he worked with Inspector Ryuga or something. Judging by the way he dressed in pristinely ironed suits and conducted himself in a gentlemanly way, I would have thought that he was a butler of some sort. But that was a ridiculous idea, since Inspector Ryuga had no need for a butler. What would a rude, manner-deficient slob possibly need a butler for?
I attempted to fill my emptiness by concentrating deeply on school. I would sit all day in front of the computer Inspector Ryuga had so "nicely" provided me with, furiously working and completing assignments long before they were due. I had nothing else that I could occupy my endless time with and also be preoccupied enough with that would distract me from thinking about my predicament.
When I could no longer stare at the computer screen (my eyes began to be chronically blood shot from staring at the screen all day), I would fill my time obsessively cleaning my room. It was a semi-effective distraction from reality.
I would fall asleep to the TV humming in the background, since I couldn't bear to fall asleep in silence, where frightening and distressing thoughts prowled and whispered. The drum of the television barely overpowered the worries that excessively tried to drown me.
And when I eventually did surrender to sleep, it was filled with disturbing dreams of me simply staring at my house in the distance and watching it grow ever smaller before disappearing completely. The dream would then continue with me just standing there, staring into the horizon, before I would wake up feeling restless and homesick.
Even my unconscious thoughts were filled with an aching desire to be freed from my hotel prison.
...
After two days of purgatory, it appeared that I would perhaps be allowed to walk in the realm of the living once again.
"He wants to speak to me about my request?" I couldn't help but sound shocked as I repeated Watari's words. He had calmly addressed me with those words as he had handed me my breakfast tray on the third day of confinement.
"Yes, Miss Yagami. After you finish your breakfast he would like a word with you about your request regarding visitation, if you have the time," Watari explained as he gracefully folded a small, cloth napkin and set it on the table before placing a tea pot down on it.
Pfft, of course I have the time. I have too much time. At least he's finally getting around to talking with me. I guess I already knew that my requests were pretty far down below on his list of concerns.
I quickly ate my breakfast and tried to compose myself. I reversed what I was going to say and how I was going to act around him. I had the feeling that there were certain ways that I should act around Inspector Ryuga, and that if I did something or said something wrong he would instantly shoot me down and throw me back into my room, as if I was some toy that he was no longer interested in playing with.
Watari accompanied me to the main area of the suite and formally announced my presence to Inspector Ryuga, as if I was being introduced to royalty. The very thought was laughable and annoying at the same time. As if Inspector Ryuga possibly deserved such an introduction.
Watari's voice was smooth and thick with his foreign accent as he introduced me. "Miss Yagami is here to speak with you, Ryuga, in relation to her request for visitation rights."
I almost outwardly scoffed at the ridiculousness of Watari's words.
"Visitation rights?" What am I, some criminal in a prison? I shouldn't have to ask anybody if it's okay to visit with my family.
After a second of consideration though, I realized that his choice of words were a lot more dead on than I would have liked to admit.
Inspector Ryuga slowly craned his neck and peaked over his shoulder at me. He was sitting all crouched in a chair and looked exactly the same as I had last seen him, same clothes and messed up hair and everything. He stared at me for a second before saying, "Of course. That will be all, Watari. Please take a seat, Miss Yagami."
Watari bowed and quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him. I remained standing for a second before slowly making my way to the couch and sitting down. Besides being annoyed with how Inspector Ryuga's words had sounded more like a command than an invitation, there was something else about his presence that made me uneasy. It was only the second time I found myself in his presence, so I couldn't say that I knew him well or that I understood his behaviour or actions (like anyone could). But I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something he was thinking deeply about. His eyes remained expressionless, which seemed to be one of his trademark features, but the way he was determinedly chewing on the edge of his thumb gave the impression that he was ruminating over something.
I finally shook the feeling away as he bent over the coffee table to retrieve the coffee pot, his spindly, white fingers curling around the pot handle. I shivered at the sight of those bony digits. Even his fingers creeped me out.
How did he ever get a position in law enforcement with the way he looks and acts? I guess, if he really does work for the FBI or CIA, they hired him for his unthreatening, unsuspecting presence. Good for undercover work I guess.
Inspector Ryuga began to speak as he poured himself a cup of coffee, "You have a close relationship with your cousin Light, isn't that so, Miss Yagami?"
I blinked and my brow creased slightly. His question seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, quickly and abruptly. As if he had been holding his words in for a considerable amount of time and now he was finally able to release them.
I answered confidently, not allowing my nervousness and confusion to slip through, "Yes."
Inspector Ryuga's hand, which was clutching the coffee pot, froze in midair for a second. My eyes glanced at the other cup sitting on the table. He hesitated for a couple more seconds before he gently set the pot down on the table and began shovelling spoonfuls of sugar out of the sugar bowl. My fingernails tightened their grip on my knees as I tried not to huff in annoyance.
He graciously pours himself a cup, but completely disregards his guest. So rude.
Inspector Ryuga was obviously not hung up on his lack of manners as he continued steadily on, "And you and Light discuss a wide range of topics, confide in one another?"
I tried to figure out exactly what he was trying to get at (if he was trying to get at anything at all) as he took a long, noisy sip of his coffee. I didn't sound as confident as I had before, feeling slightly tense from the tone of interrogation that tinted his voice.
"Yes, we...we talk about a lot of things." I nodded for good measure, feeling like I had to convince him or something.
Inspector Ryuga took another lengthy slurp of his drink before he set it down and replied in a rush, "Which explains why you want to visit him so soon after seeing him."
I disciplined my voice to answer smoothly, "Yes, that's why."
I was on edge though. Inspector Ryuga had tried to make his last sentence sound like a conclusion, a wrap-up of the prior questions he had posed. But his explanatory last sentence sounded more like an after-thought than a firm conclusion. It was as if he had added that last sentence for shows sake, and not for any real purpose.
Added it for my sake?
I banished the weird thoughts away, concluding that I had misinterpreted his tone.
But still...he had sounded like he had already known that Light and I were close and that he was just making sure. Making sure? But how would he have –
I quickly jolted my head around to the side of the room where the TV monitors were. Or where they had been. Every monitor was gone and the wall was bare and plain compared to how it had looked a couple of days ago, when it had been bejewelled by numerous bright, sparkling TV screens.
The windows into the Yagami household were no more.
Inspector Ryuga followed my gaze and blankly explained, "The screens are in another room. I realized they would have been a distraction for you, Miss Yagami."
I was offended by his words. It wasn't fair that it took days for me to receive an answer as to whether I could see my family or not, whereas total strangers were allowed to watch my family whenever they felt like it. Moving the TV screens from my line of sight further distanced me from my relatives.
He probably wants to hoard them all to himself, watching them. Watching Light, remember, because Light had more cameras in his room and why –
"The monitors have nothing to do with this conversation, Miss Yagami. You're here to discuss visiting Light, isn't that right?"
My attention was drawn away from the sparse wall and my eyes briefly looked into Inspector Ryuga's. I quickly looked away, not like looking into his dark, unreadable eyes.
"Yes, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Inspector Ryuga." My voice came out soft and sweet, masking my annoyance at his habit of phrasing questions into already known answers. He knew darn well why I had asked to talk with him. He had known two days ago.
Just keep it smooth. You've already gone over this. Just act calm and polite. That's how you're going to get what you want.
"Hm, yes. Well, there really isn't anything to discuss, Miss Yagami." Inspector Ryuga absently said, as he fiddled with the opening of his jeans pocket.
As much as it pained me to hear his denial of my request, I had been expecting such a response and drove head long into my plea that I had prepared earlier on.
"Inspector Ryuga, may I just say that I-"
"Because I have already decided that you will have a short visit with your cousin tomorrow."
The words I had intended to speak froze in my throat and were promptly swallowed down as I processed what he had said. It didn't take me long to understand that I had actually gotten what I wanted. It was much easier than I thought it was going to be.
Huh, maybe Inspector Ryuga isn't as socially unaware as I thought he was. It seems he does understand, even a little, that I should be able to visit, that I need to visit, family.
Underneath my surprise and happiness though, there was a niggling feeling of suspicion. After being so strict and picky a couple of days ago with the plans for my confinement, it seemed peculiar that Inspector Ryuga would be so easy going with my request to visit Light.
I had thought that thought too soon.
Before I could get one word out in response, Inspector Ryuga pulled out a folded piece of paper from his jeans pocket and unfolded it slowly with the tips of his fingers. He laid it on the table and his hands resumed their customary spot on his bent knees.
"If you would please review the questions and topics laid out on that piece of paper, Miss Yagami, before your visit with your cousin, it would be most appreciated. They will aid you in your conversations with Light," Inspector Ryuga mumbled over the rim of his cup, the last part of his sentence being somewhat drowned out by his atrocious slurping.
I didn't even try to conceal my confused expression. Only a second went by though before I disciplined my face back into the calm expression it had worn before. However tempting it was to reach across the table and look at the piece of paper, I had quickly decided to take a stance. I felt like I owed it to myself and to Light to say something.
I focused my eyes slightly above Inspector Ryuga's eyes, probably where his hidden eyebrows were located. It was the closest to eye contact I could make with him. I cleared my voice and said graciously, "Thank you, Inspector Ryuga, but I don't need this piece of paper. My cousin and I discuss all sorts of things and don't need suggestions as to what to talk about." I hesitantly touched the edge of the paper with my fingertips and slowly pushed the paper back an inch towards him. It was a polite and simple refusal, but I thought it made my point quite clear.
Because I was looking slightly above Inspector Ryuga's eyes, I couldn't exactly tell what type of expression he was wearing. I did notice, however, that he set his cup down a little harder than usual. It was little more than a clumsy clink of his cup connecting with the saucer, but coming from someone who moved so silently, it was as if he had crashed his cup down hard.
I realized when he spoke that he was, indeed, annoyed with my lack of cooperation.
"I'm sure that in normal circumstances, Miss Yagami, freely conversing with your cousin would be adequate. However, it is that very honesty and intimacy that you share with your cousin that puts you in a risky position. Without intending to, you may reveal details of your current situation." His voice carried a hint of intimidation which came out sounding gravelly. As much as I hated to admit it, he was succeeding at rattling my nerves a bit. I wagered that he wasn't a stranger to intimidation. He was able to expertly mask that hint of warning by overshadowing it with a calm, almost reasonable tone of voice. As if it he was trying to convince you that it was all in your imagination that you heard an undertone of threat emanating from his voice.
He carried on in that unsettling tone of fake decency and well-meaning. "Therefore, these questions and conversation topics are provided to give you something to introduce and discuss if you feel the urge to break confidentiality." He concluded by pushing the paper back an inch towards me, his fingertips barely even brushing over the surface of the paper.
My eyes slowly lowered and gazed at the paper sitting in front of me. I squirmed in my seat and let out a tiny gasp of a sigh before picking the paper up and looking it over. As much as I hated to admit it, his words did hold some truth to them. I was going to find it very difficult to refrain from telling Light about my situation. It had been difficult when I had visited with him, Sayu, and Aunt Sachiko, but it had been relatively easy compared to what I probably was going to experience tomorrow. I had still been numb from the shock of it all a few days ago. After three days though, my mind was beginning to feel sensation again. The same went for my mouth.
The questions and topics listed seemed pretty standard enough. Asking about school, preparation for the university entrance exams, family matters. It was the type of questions listed near the bottom of the page that I had an issue with.
I made an effort to steady my voice as I asked, "Are these questions, um, necessary? 'How's the bullying at your school? Have there been any trouble with those boys?' Light isn't having any issues with bullying at school, so why would I ask him something like this?"
I couldn't help my voice from quivering at the end of my question and my hands twitched slightly, making the paper rustle in my grip. It was something that didn't escape Inspector Ryuga's sharp eyes.
"There's no need to become overly flustered, Miss Yagami," he quietly murmured around his thumb, which was wedged over his lip.
"Overly flustered?" I'm restraining myself. Believe me, you don't want to see me when I'm overly flustered. You got a sneak peek of it a couple of days ago.
He continued on in his flat voice, "I do remember what you told me about Light not being bothered by a group of schoolmates. However..." He paused here to drain the rest of his coffee before pinching a sugar cube out of a bowl and popping it into his mouth. He spoke around the cube, his tongue slowly wrapping and twisting around it like some sort of pinkish slug on a pebble. The sucking sounds that he made as he savoured the sugar cube rattled the very foundation of my patience.
After what felt like a very long time of him languidly sucking on the sugar cube, he continued on. "Considering the frightening and threatening situation that you happened upon on campus, it would be perfectly normal to ask such a question. It would only be natural for you to ask your cousin, who you care for so deeply, if he's in any danger of encountering or witnessing something similar at his school. Especially in a school so heavily populated with supporters and followers of Kira."
Quite unexpectedly, Inspector Ryuga stuck out his tongue. The sugar cube, which had shrunk considerably, rested on the tip of his tongue. He carefully picked it up with two fingers, looked at it for a second as if analyzing such foreign substance, and then popped it back into his mouth and began sucking on it again. My knuckles cracked as I bent them back slowly, my hands becoming small fists against my knees. I was trying desperately to restrain my annoyance and disgust.
Inspector Ryuga concluded, looking me straight in the eye. "In fact, it would be rather strange for you to not ask such questions after the experience you encountered."
My throat made a soft click as I realized why he was looking me in the eye. He was trying to convey something to me. Something that, for the first time probably, he wanted me to actually see and understand behind his impenetrable irises.
Those written out questions weren't just suggestions – they were requirements. He didn't just want me to rely on those questions if I was in a tight spot, he was ordering me to use them, to ask them. And that if I didn't, things wouldn't go well for me. His message was shockingly transparent. His intense, warning stare conveyed nothing else.
Regrettably, there was no explanation for such an order behind his eyes. That was purely confidential information that only he was allowed to "see." Only a glimpse was what I was allowed to witness.
Suddenly all my annoyance vanished and was replaced with a nauseating sense of fear. It was the same feeling I had experienced when I had realized that there were a considerable amount of cameras filming Light's room. It was a fear of the unexplainable, of what was secret, of something deeper than anything I had witnessed yet.
Inspector Ryuga released me from his captive gaze and began to pour himself another cup of coffee. After filling his cup to the very top, he calmly pinched the paper from my fingers and folded it nicely before placing it on the edge of my knee.
Softly, he said, "I believe we're on the same page, Miss Yagami?"
He flashed me a quick glance and I read in his eyes what his mouth didn't say: Do you understand my orders, Miss Yagami?
I swallowed away the dry feeling in my throat and replied timidly, "Yes, Inspector Ryuga. I-I understand." I emphasized my last word, conveying that I did indeed understand what he was silently ordering me to do.
He studied my face for a second over the rim of his cup before saying, "Good. If you have no further questions, then you are excused. I have important work to get to."
Without waiting to see if I had any more questions, he silently "uncrouched" himself from the chair and shuffled over to a laptop sitting on another table off to the side of the room. He turned the screen slightly to the side, away from my sight. He spoke to the screen and a few seconds later Watari was at the door, ready to accompany me back to my room.
I sneaked a glance back over my shoulder at Inspector Ryuga as I slowly headed to the door. I tried conveying my own silent message to the back of his head.
I hate how you can intimidate me into asking those questions. I hate how you think you can control me.
As if he could sense my sidelong stare at the back of his head, he turned slowly around to face me when I was at the door, and in only a few seconds worth of a glance, he was able to "reply" to my silent irritations with a stiffly confident look of his own, as if he could read my mind.
You'll do what I tell you to do. You're too weak to resist.
Biting my lip in silent rage at his impertinent stare, I quickly whipped my head around and exited the room, not wanting to admit to myself that he was right.
...
"Would you like another cookie, Light?"
"No. Thank you, Etsuko."
I smiled and set the plate of almond cookies on the coffee table before plunking myself down on the couch across from Light. I sighed contentedly to myself, enjoying being in the moment. For the past half hour since Light had arrived at the apartment, I had felt like things were somewhat normal again. As if we were sitting in each other's rooms, talking about stuff and just enjoying each other's company. I had dutifully asked him some of Inspector Ryuga's questions about school and the family, although I had intended to ask them whether Inspector Ryuga had ordered me to or not. I was trying to ignore the other questions that he wanted me to bring up, but I knew that I would eventually have to ask them. I didn't want to imagine what he would do if I didn't.
Light returned the smile, his lips crinkling upwards on one side. A signature Light smile. Not a full-faced grin, but a confident, almost smirkish type of smile. Just the appearance of it made me feel nostalgic, as if it had been years since I had last seen that type of smile. Four days in captivity had been a lifetime that was only going to get longer.
He leaned back and draped his arms across the back of the couch. He breathed out and looked intently at me.
"So, you really enjoy living here? I thought that you wouldn't like the solitary nature of having an apartment all to yourself."
Light knew me too well. Moving into an apartment had always worried me. Being all by myself with no one there. Strangers living right behind your walls. Not having someone to turn to instantly if there was trouble or danger. But I lied through my teeth, hoping that he would change the topic of conversation.
"I don't mind it. It's okay." My voice trembled slightly and I smiled shakily. I could feel the blood draining from my cheeks and my lips were itching to mold into a frown. How desperately I wanted to tell him that I hated where I was living currently, how the apartment wasn't even my new home. That all of it was a lie.
Light easily sensed the distress that I was trying to conceal. Several seconds went by before he leaned forward slightly and adorned a concerned expression. He cleared his throat, sniffed, and then gently asked, "Is everything okay?"
My eyes instantly darted to his. He stared right back, unblinking. With no warning, a huge wave of nostalgia washed over me. I almost wanted to laugh at how sudden it had appeared.
I can't believe he remembered. It's been ages since we last did that, did this – I'm happy that he still knows it. It was only ours. Our secret.
When Light and I were kids we came up with our own secret way of communicating with one another. Sort of a cryptic way of conveying different messages to one another that other people wouldn't be able to interpret unless they knew the signs and rules of our secret code. It was a way we could talk to each other without the adults knowing what we were really saying. A mischievous invention that we had delighted in when we were children. We had ceased from communicating in our code years ago.
I couldn't believe that he still remembered it.
A few seconds of silence, a cough, and a sniff: I'm starting a conversation. You in?
I shifted a bit to the right side and then to the left. It was my reply: I'm part of the conversation.
Light refrained from smiling, but his eyes twinkled with satisfaction. He was happy that I had remembered the secret code as well.
As soon as he had captured my attention, his eyes discreetly glanced at different corners in the room. As if he was lazily looking around the apartment. His intentions soon became clear and I discovered what he had really been asking me when he had asked his question: Is everything okay?
Discreetly looking around at one's surroundings: Someone's watching us. Prior words phrased as a question: Is someone watching us?
From the way his eyes solely focused on the corners in the room for a few seconds at a time, I wagered that he was suspicious that there were cameras tucked away in the apartment. I swallowed back a glob of spit in my throat and thought of Inspector Ryuga and his precious confidentiality. I stared into Light's imploring, genuine eyes and rested my faith in our cryptic codes.
There's no way Inspector Ryuga would understand what we're talking about.
I took the leap and answered.
"Yes. Everything's alright." I nodded twice: "Yes" to both the posed question and hidden question. I'm alright and someone is watching us.
Light continued steadily on, "Really? I'm glad." Light's voice had grown slightly softer, but continued on in normal range. "I have to say I'm surprised, Etsuko, what with all of these unexpectedevents and changes you've had to experience."
Most of what he had said was just cover up. I quickly pinpointed the inflections and words that mattered.
Lowering the voice in volume is expressing the opposite of what was actually said. "I'm glad" really means "I'm upset."
Lowering the voice in tone gives hints to the true response, to which words should be focused on: "Surprise" and "Unexpected" had been uttered in a lower register.
To sum it up, I interpreted Light's message as: Really? Someone is watching us? I'm not too impressed with this. I'm surprised and it seems quite unexpected.
I processed all of these things rapidly and the conversation continued on.
I steadily answered back, "Me, too, actually. I'm just trying to adapt as best I can, I guess." I shrugged at the end of my sentence.
Shrugging of the shoulders: It's unnecessary.
My full response: I'm surprised and shocked by the cameras as well. They're unnecessary.
Light quickly formulated his next response. "My dad must be around to keep you company at times though, right?" Light sniffed and slowly breathed out through his nose. His eyes glanced once more around the room.
His answer was a trickier one to decipher, but I swiftly interpreted it as Light's eyes settled on mine.
Sniff and slowly breathing out through nose: What is the person who was mentioned in the last sentence up to?
In relation to the response Light gave: What is my dad up to?
The brief glances that Light was gracing the room modified my interpretation: Is my dad watching through the cameras in the room? Is he involved with all of this, with your situation?
I hesitated. I didn't know how to answer. How could I communicate to Light that his dad was involved, but at the same time completely powerless when it came to my predicament? That some crazy, foreign inspector was the one pulling the strings?
A deeper part of me realized that it wasn't simply that I didn't know how to answer, but that I was unsure if I wanted to answer at all. Perhaps it was because I was worried that my answer would end up being "lost in translation." As I glanced quickly at the corners in the room, another potential explanation surfaced. What if Inspector Ryuga actually could figure out our little coded messages; sometimes it seemed he could reach right through and actually read my thoughts just by staring at me. I couldn't imagine what he would do if he knew that I had already revealed to Light that there were cameras in the room. He would never let me visit again, he would lock me up and throw away the key, he would lock up Light -
Or perhaps it had something to do with the way Light was looking at me. He was casually leaning back in the couch and had a calm, peaceful look on his face, but his eyes blazed with something vague and sharp. Flashes of something would briefly cross his pupils and his eyes would occasionally harden and pierce into mine. At first I thought his look was one of avid curiosity, but I worriedly concluded that it wasn't an intense stare of healthy inquisitiveness, but one of obsession. Gnawing, coarse obsession.
I shivered unconsciously and briefly broke eye contact with my cousin. Before I could decide how to answer, or if I wanted to answer at all, my mouth made up my decision for me.
"No. He's not." I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly continued without even thinking, "He's too busy working on the Kira case to spend a lot of time with me. Rightfully so." A small trill of nervous laughter spilled forth and I timidly offered Light a smile.
No, he's not watching our conversation. He's not involved with my situation.
Light's face fell into disappointment for a split second before he recovered his calm countenance. His apparent regret with my answer confused me.
Surely Light understands that uncle is way too busy trying to catch Kira to spend time working on a "protection program" for harassed university students. Even if I am his niece, he wouldn't dedicate his time and effort on such a program when Kira is out there massacring people. Why does he seem so disappointed that uncle isn't working on the false protection program? Or...or could it be that he suspects something? That he suspects that perhaps... that perhaps –
"It must get pretty lonely." Light smiled sadly and crossed his right foot over his left.
Light's words had nothing to do with his real response. It all had to do with his actions.
Crossing of the right foot over the left foot: Are you sure?
Are you sure that uncle isn't watching, isn't involved?
I was more than just confused now - I was concerned. Why wasn't Light taking my answer seriously? Didn't he believe me when I said that uncle wasn't involved? Could he honestly see through my lie, even though part of it was truthful?
All I needed was one look from him to confirm my worries. It was a look of concerned disappointment. Disappointment in me. And lingering stealthily behind that displeasure was something darker and deeper. It seemed familiar, as if I had seen it from somewhere before. A look that could only be described as knowing. Knowing that what they were being told was not completely trustworthy and truthful. Knowing that there was something more. Arrogantly knowing that they would find out what the other person was hiding.
With sudden clarity, I realized with dread where I had seen such a look before. When I had lied to Inspector Ryuga about Light and those schoolmates of his, that there was nothing to worry about. He had given me the same look, that look that told me that he knew I was lying to him and that he would find out the truth, even if he had to rip it out of me.
A soft gasp whooshed through my lips and I shut my eyes closed for a split second. When I reopened them, that look had disappeared from Light's eyes. His eyes only reflected concern and care where bitter disappointment (and that knowing) had been before. He leaned forward and softly whispered, "Are you okay, Etsu?"
I closed my eyes a second time and a small smile of relief crossed my face. Hearing his gentle voice, hearing my nickname, brought me back from the confusion and dread. I opened my eyes and saw his genuine concern and my smile grew bigger.
I've been cooped up for too long. I can't even read my own cousin's expressions anymore. Light is just concerned and disappointed that I have to put up with cameras and being lonely and –
"You don't look okay, Etsuko. They should let you visit more often. What type of program is this where they don't even allow you to visit family whenever you want?"
I could tell that Light was trying to be helpful and was only being concerned, but the first image (the first memory) that came to my mind was Inspector Ryuga telling me I wouldn't be able to visit often. Like a wave of severe nausea, the urge to vomit forth the truth of what type of "program" exactly I was involved in travelled swiftly up my throat until it was hovering at the very tip of my tongue. My brain kicked in and I spouted forth the first thing that would save me from breaking confidentiality, that would save me from the wrath of Inspector Ryuga.
"How's the bullying at your school? Are those boys causing any trouble?"
Light's forehead crinkled and he shifted a bit back in his seat. "Where did that come from, Etsuko?"
He sounded genuinely perplexed by my abrupt change of topic. I would clarify for him.
My words came out in a rush.
"It's just that your school has a lot of anti-Kira bullying and I was just wondering if it's been affecting you or-r-r – not affecting you! And if it's getting worse and, and, um, and...um, yeah. Just wondering, because of what I witnessed, you know, on campus. It's been on my mind lately...that's all."
My rambling had given Light enough time to mould his face back into the composed, controlled expression he had worn before. Only now I could see his left eyebrow twitching ever so slightly. The only indication that there was something a bit askew with his calm and cool facade.
His answer was quiet and short. "It's still going on like before. It's nothing serious though." A slight shift of the right side.
Lowering the voice in tone: We're still going to continue on like before with the prior conversation.
Shifting the right side meant: Back to the prior topic.
He was essentially telling me the same thing twice with his tone and actions. He really didn't want to talk about the boys at his school. I carried on though, more so because I was concerned about how much Light was avoiding the topic, and not as much because Inspector Ryuga wanted me to ask such questions.
How much do you want to bet that those boys are bothering him? No wonder he wants to avoid this topic of conversation.
"Have those boys been, you know, hanging around you often? Walking with you home after school?" I softly asked, trying to be as non-interrogative as I could be. I slouched a bit in the pillows, trying to act relaxed and normal.
Light's eyebrow froze in mid-twitch and slowly lowered. He shrugged and smoothed some wrinkles in his jeans (I almost had forgotten that code: don't worry) before answering smoothly, "They haven't been around much. I guess they're getting tired of me trying to convince them that Kira is evil." A subtle flash of annoyance crossed his eyes; it was gone before I could barely comprehend it.
Shrugging of the shoulders, smoothing down pants, lowering tone of voice.
This topic is unnecessary. There's nothing to worry about. I'm getting tired of this conversation.
The flash of annoyance had no cryptic code connected to it. It represented exactly what it was. Irritation.
He shifted once more a little to his right.
Back to the prior topic.
With hesitation, I slowly rested my hands in my lap and my fingers entwined. Light noticed the cue.
May we end the coded conversation, please?
Light raised his left eyebrow, held it for three seconds, and then lowered it.
Why?
He also spoke, trying to decrease the silence that had been carrying on for too long since he had last spoken. "Etsuko?"
I answered both of his questions, both with words and actions. "I'm sorry. Lost in thought for a second. I'm happy to hear that. What with all of the bullying at your school, hearing you say that...makes me feel a lot more at rest." Last part of last sentence quieter, a quick glance around the apartment, and a crooked, half smile to finish it off.
I'm sorry. I don't feel comfortable talking like this right now. It's risky with the cameras. Please?
My answer was a 100% truthful. We were starting to get rusty with our code; too long of silences that droned on while we tried to decipher and find a way to cryptically respond. And there was something more. An intense, charged vibe in the air. A vibe of more than just annoyance that was radiating from Light.
Light slowly exhaled and folded his hands in his lap. His fingers coming together. The end of the conversation.
Well, almost the end. He had one more message to convey to me.
A cheerless smirk suddenly appeared on his face. He looked up and this time he didn't disguise the disappointment in his eyes when he stared straight at me.
"I understand that you would feel that way. It makes me happy to hearyousay that, cousin."
He didn't need to alter his voice in order for me to determine that he didn't understand. He didn't have to alter his voice in order for me to realize the absolute lie behind his words.
...
Light left shortly afterwards. He appeared to have gotten over our abrupt ending to our "conversation." I believed that he wasn't annoyed anymore with how I had taken charge and swung the conversation my way. He was too mature to be hung up on something like that.
He confirmed this belief right before he exited the apartment. He had unexpectedly given me a tight hug before he had left. It must have been his way of silently apologizing for his irritation earlier on. I believed we had left on good terms. I purposely forgot about the intense, uncomfortable moments between us during our visit.
Things continued to be even more unexpected when I returned to the hotel and Inspector Ryuga asked me how my visit with Light had been. It was weird that he would ask me such a question, since I was pretty sure he had watched the whole thing. But what was almost more confusing was that he had even bothered to ask me such a question.
He didn't ask me how my first visit had gone. The one with Aunt Sachiko, Sayu, and Light. Why is he now showing interest in how my interactions with my family are going? Or more like, how my interactions with Light are going?
"Fine. It was very nice to see him so soon after seeing him earlier this week." I paused and decided to bow politely. It couldn't hurt to be polite if it would potentially butter him up to be as accommodating the next time I wanted to visit with Light. "Thank you, Inspector Ryuga, for allowing me to visit with my cousin."
Inspector Ryuga jolted me out of my sickly gracious bow with his next words.
"Hm, yes. You may visit him next week if you'd like to, Miss Yagami."
I stuttered out, hoping that I had heard him right, "R-really, Inspector Ryuga? Th-thank you! I'm, I'm very grateful that you-"
"Yes, yes. I know. You'll still have questions and conversation topics though."
"Th-that's alright. I, um, I can manage that." At that point, I didn't care if I had to ask certain questions or not. I was just thrilled that he was being so obliging in allowing me to visit Light! That he was being so accommodating in allowing me to experience a little chunk of normalcy which I felt when I was with my cousin.
Inspector Ryuga nodded slowly, apparently satisfied with my agreement and promptly dismissed me. I happily was led to my room, where I instantly took a pen and marked potential dates on the calendar on the wall on when I may be able to visit with Light. On when I would be able to savour that delightful taste of normalcy again.
...
And I did taste it. I did visit with Light again. And again. And again. And even again.
Four times over the following two weeks. Four times being able to enjoy myself in the company of my dearest cousin. Four times I was able to experience that high of normalcy.
Four different set of questions and conversation topics. Four times I grudgingly, but willingly posed them to Light. I would ask them if it meant I could continue seeing him as frequently as Inspector Ryuga was allowing me to.
Although...
After the first visit, I began to question the very questions he had given me to ask.
After the second visit, my questioning morphed into worry and concern that had me up at night. Worries and concerns that eventually transformed into a suspicion.
After the third visit, I began to contemplate how I would express such a suspicion to that eccentric inspector behind my bedroom walls. (If I actually do want to – no I have to! Or wait, do I want to? No, I really do, because if I'm wrong, then alright. But if I'm right, then God help me -)
After the fourth visit, my decision was made as I stood facing Inspector Ryuga's crouched back. Unknowingly, my opening words to Inspector Ryuga would begin a downward spiral that I would never truly be able to climb up again.
"I thought that I should tell you, Inspector Ryuga, that he's not going to just come out and say it. It's going to take more than this for Light to reveal what you want him to."
...
A/N: Well, hopefully this chapter was worth the wait and if it wasn't then please let me know so that I can make the next one better! ;)
