A/N – Enjoy the next chapter! It's quite long, but I will submit the next one soon as well. Hope you like it, and look out for the next chapter very soon!
Chapter Seven – Mother
Sunday, 24th May 1960
Dear Diary,
When I woke up the next day I found that I was still in Norman's arms. It wasn't properly light yet so I went back to sleep for a while, and then woke up again. At first I struggled to remember where I was and what I was doing, but then everything came back to me, and when I felt that Norman was still there, I felt safe. I knew that there was someone there for me. The sofa was quite small and there wasn't really enough space for the two of us, so I felt rather squashed when I tried to turn around. But I didn't care. The closer Norman was to me, the better I felt about everything bad that I had done.
I needed a shower. I hadn't had one in days now, ever since I left Phoenix. I knew that it was probably quite early. Norman was still fast asleep. I smiled at him as he slept, and wondered what he was dreaming. Was he dreaming of me, I wondered? But no, that was just silly. He had only just met me yesterday. I myself had never thought that I would do something quite so intimate like this when I had just met someone the previous day. But I still felt that I could trust him. Why else would I feel so safe in his arms? I felt that I knew him.
But today there was something else that was preoccupying me. I needed to find out what happened that bothered Norman so much, what made him tell me last night that it wasn't safe to go back to my room. But still, I'm glad that I stayed here. Norman was right in a way. I did feel a lot safer in here, with Norman lying beside me. But I had to find out why he thought that, why his mind worked in this anxious and paranoid way. I still hadn't forgotten the way his eyes looked when he looked at me, how they seemed to just keep going on and on into his head, like an endless maze. And the way his eyes fixed on my face sort of scared me a little at times. They had a strange gleam if you looked carefully at his face. It was perfectly noticeable, at least to me. I could never tell what he might be thinking. I wondered what he was thinking right now, at that very moment.
I slowly got up from the sofa and quietly tiptoed over to the door. I looked at the time. It was still early. I slowly opened the door and looked outside. I glanced up at the house on the hill. The figure at the window was still there. Had it been there all night, I wondered? I wondered if that was Norman's mother.
I quickly shut the door, anxious to know that the figure might be looking at me. I sighed deeply and sat down on an armchair, waiting for Norman to wake up. As I looked around his office, I realised that he had a lot of birds on the wall. I guessed that they were stuffed birds. They looked rather macabre, if I said so myself. A strange hobby that is, stuffing birds. But then again, Norman had always seemed strange, ever since I met him. And I meant that in a good way. I had always been interested in birds, especially since my last name, Crane is the name of a bird. I smiled as I looked at all the different birds and then glanced back at Norman on the sofa.
After a few minutes he stirred and opened his eyes. "Marion?" he asked, sounding scared and sitting up quickly.
"It's all right Norman, I'm here," I said to him and went over to the sofa and took his hand. "I'm taking care of you."
"Have you been staying here all night?" he asked me with that anxious look on his face again.
"Yes. You asked me to, remember?" I reminded him.
"Oh. Oh yes of course," he said as if he was trying to remember something in the distant past or something. Then he thought for a minute, and then he asked me anxiously again, "Did we…I mean did you…did we…you know?"
"No," I said hurriedly. I was feeling very embarrassed then. Now I know that there's something wrong with him if he can't remember what had happened the previous night. I was very embarrassed that he thought that we had done something. "Nothing happened, seriously," I reassured him. He stayed silent and nodded. I looked at him with a curious look but I didn't say anything about how unusual I thought he was. I didn't want to make him nervous again. He seemed very fragile to me.
"Come back," Norman said to me suddenly and looked at me hopefully. "Please come and lie next to me again. It's still early. We can get up later."
When he said that I was both delighted and kind of flattered. I knew that I had helped him with what I had done last night, whatever kind of problem he might have, I don't even know myself. I smiled and slowly sank back down next to him. He was the one who put his arms round me this time and held me tightly to him. He looked gloomy again, he was always thinking about something.
"Are you all right?" I asked.
Norman stayed silent for a minute and then finally he sighed deeply. "Yes, I'm all right," he said quietly. "And thank you," he continued, "for what you did for me last night."
"I did nothing," I said this time.
"You know what you did," Norman continued, smiling. "You comforted me, and made me feel better than I've ever felt in a very long time. That is the best thing anyone could ever have done for me."
"Well then I'm very glad to hear that," I said to him gently.
We lay silently for a while and I almost drifted back to sleep. I still couldn't keep my thoughts off Norman and I was always aware of his warm body next to mine, and again I felt safe.
After a while we finally got up again. "Would you like me to fix us something to eat for breakfast?" I offered to Norman.
"No, no that's fine. I could go back up to the house and do that," he said quickly.
I smiled and nodded. Then there was another awkward pause, like there had been the day before. But still, now I didn't care. I felt that I knew Norman. I wasn't anywhere near as uncomfortable as I had been the previous day.
"What do you like to do?" I asked Norman finally, trying to start a conversation. "What kind of things are there to do around here?"
Norman smiled. "Not many," he admitted. "I think that's one of the reasons that nobody stops here any more. Because of all the monotony, let's say. The only thing there I ever do here is stuffing those birds." He pointed to the birds on the wall and I looked around at them. They looked rather creepy to me, as if they were looking accusingly at me. Norman laughed weakly and continued. "You probably have lots more things to do where you live. You obviously wouldn't really want to stay here for much longer," he added kind of sadly.
"No, no," I said quickly. "I like this place."
The truth is I wouldn't like this place anywhere near as much if Norman wasn't in it. But still, I couldn't really tell him that. It would just lead to another awkward silence.
"Well, you're the first person that's ever said that," Norman said and laughed again, and then I laughed too. He seemed much more cheerful today than he had been the previous day. Maybe I really was helping him. I liked to think so.
"Is there anything else you like doing?" I asked him. I wanted to know more about him. Maybe that way I could figure out what was wrong with him.
Norman paused for a minute. "I'll tell you a secret. The one thing I really like is playing the piano."
That surprised me. I never thought that someone like Norman would enjoy something like playing the piano.
"You play the piano?" I grinned at him.
"Oh sure," Norman smiled. "Well, I used to, when I was younger. I used to play it all the time. I love it. I've always loved music. But now I don't…I don't play that much any more."
"Why not?" I asked.
Norman shrugged and the smile faded from his face. "I don't know," he said vaguely. "There just never seems to be much time any more. I…I have to do everything for my mother, and…well, you know how it is."
"I know," I nodded. Then there was another pause, and then I reluctantly continued. "Would you…would you think I was asking too much if I asked you to play something for me? I'd really like to hear you play."
Norman paused and looked uneasy. I wondered if I had said something wrong. "I don't think you're asking too much at all," he said finally. "But if…if I played then I'd have to go up to the house. And…well, I told you how I feel yesterday about going up there," he said, gesturing towards the house on the hill. "It's just…not safe."
"Not safe for me?" I asked suspiciously. Again there he goes; telling me that something's not safe.
"For both of us," he said. "I just don't feel comfortable going up there."
"Oh, that's all right, I understand," I said, but I was rather disappointed. I looked at the ground sadly, fiddling with my fingers.
Norman looked at me thoughtfully. "You really want to hear something?" he asked me.
I looked up and nodded hopefully. "Yes, I would. Please."
Norman waited for a minute. "Come on then," he said, smiling at me and getting up from the chair. "If you really want to hear something, I'll play something for you."
Then I cheered up again, and we both walked out of the office and towards the house on the hill. "Are you sure this is all right?" I asked him. "I didn't mean to pressure you or anything."
"No, it's fine," Norman said. "But…but if you don't mind, we'll spend as little time in that house as possible. Is that all right with you?"
"Of course," I nodded eagerly. "But why would it be a problem to stay in that house for long?"
"I can't really explain properly right now," Norman said as we got to the top of the hill. Then he looked at me right in the eyes and said, "You've just got to trust me. Please understand that I can't tell you anything. At least not right now. Perhaps later, but not now. Will you please trust me?"
"Of course I'll trust you," I nodded. "As long as you promise that you will tell me at some time. I really want to know. I want to help you. I hope I'm not asking too much," I added quickly.
"No, of course I'll tell you. Some time later," Norman said. "Let's go, then," he said, and opened the door of the house.
As soon as I saw inside the house, I really liked it. Again, I felt as if I could feel safe in that house, the same way I felt safe with Norman.
"Sit down," Norman told me, pointing to the sofa in the room on the left. "Are you hungry?"
"No, not really. Maybe just some coffee, if you don't mind," I said.
"OK. If you could just – do me a favour and stay here, in this room. Don't go anywhere else," Norman said and went into the kitchen. I nodded reluctantly but I didn't understand why not. As I looked around the place, it seemed like a very pleasant place to me. I didn't understand why Norman didn't like it.
After a few minutes Norman came back with a mug and handed it to me. "Thank you," I said. "This is really a nice house," I added.
"Well. At least it…it used to be," Norman said gloomily. I looked at him curiously. "Never mind," Norman said quickly. "You'll hear it all later. Well, you…you wanted to hear something, didn't you?"
As soon as I heard Norman play the piano, I felt that I loved him even more. It sounded like the most beautiful music I had heard in my life. While I listened to it I was just lost in a daydream, simply thinking of nothing and forgetting about everything bad I had done.
After Norman finished he smiled at me. "What do you think?" he asked. "It's not anything much, really, but…"
"No, I loved it," I said. "It's beautiful. Where did you learn to play so well?"
Norman paused and lowered his eyes to the ground. "My mother taught me," he said and then smiled after a few minutes and continued. "When I was younger, she always used to be angry with me for spending more time playing the piano and less time running the motel. That's why I stopped playing after a while. Anyway, it's – it's all coming back to me now," he said, tapping on the piano keys. "Playing the piano relaxes me. It…it just makes me forget about everything else, and just relax. Do you know how that feels?"
"Of course I know," I nodded. "But anyway, tell me more about your mother," I said. "What is she like?" I suddenly remembered the figure at the window. Was it still there, I wondered?
Norman shrugged. "Why bother going over that? There's not much point."
"I'm sorry for bringing it up, I didn't mean to pry. It's your business of course," I said quickly, not wanting to change his mood again.
"It's all right. You see, my mother…my mother, when I was a little boy, didn't treat me very well. She was always very strict with me, she sometimes…she sometimes drove me a little crazy. I was always angry with her. And now…now she's just stayed like that. Stayed crazy," he finished off. The look in his eyes had changed now, from anxious to thoughtful, as if he was searching for something that had happened in the past. He opened his mouth to try and carry on speaking, but he didn't say anything and just sat uneasily. It was almost as if he had something he wanted to tell me, but couldn't.
"I'm sorry," I said to him gently. "That must have been very hard on you."
"It's all right. That was in the past. I can…cope with it now," he told me, cheering up a little bit. "That's why I told you not to go back to your room yesterday night. My mother doesn't…well, she doesn't accept strangers very well. And now, we should – we really should go, go back downstairs," he said, and looking at me nervously.
"Would she really have tried to do something bad to me?" I asked. "I still can't imagine that possibility. I mean…what about now? Would she try something now?"
Norman paused and looked around nervously, as if he thought that his mother might be watching, listening to us speaking. Then he came and sat down next to me, and held my hand tightly, so tightly that I nearly lost the feeling in my fingers. I was starting to get more than a little spooked by the way he looked around the room. He was making me scared as well. He looked at me worriedly and then looked back around the room, and then back at me. It was as if he was looking to me to make something better. I liked to think that, of course I did, but I was still kind of worried about him.
"Norman, is something wrong?" I asked him worriedly.
"Yes. I mean no," he said quickly.
"Well, is there or isn't there?" I laughed quietly.
"There's nothing wrong, all right?" he said angrily, his voice changing again. Again I mentally kicked myself for saying that. I didn't want him to get angry again.
"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I really am. Would you like to go back downstairs?"
"Please," Norman said, a bit more calmly this time. "We need to get out of here. Quickly."
We both got up, and walked back out of the house. He was still holding onto my hand tightly. As we were walking outside, Norman quickly glanced up the stairs, and then quickly closed the door behind us. After we went out, I realised that now it was not only love that I felt, it was also excitement, anticipation. Again, I had never met anyone who could make me feel like that. But still, I felt that I could help him. I knew most things about him by now. I loved the fact that he played the piano so well. But there was something else, something he couldn't tell me. And I felt sure that I could help him. I had to find out why he changed moods so easily.
As we were walking back down the hill, Norman looked a bit more relaxed. "I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you in there," he told me as we went down. "You must understand, I really didn't mean it."
I paused for a minute, but then I looked right in his anxious eyes and said, "It's all right, Norman. It really is. Don't worry about anything. We're not in that house any more."
Norman nodded. After that, he was back to his usual mood. Again, I felt that I had somehow helped him.
As soon as we got back downstairs, we went back to the office and sat back down. Norman was right, there really didn't seem to be much to do in a place like this. But still, I didn't care. As long as I was with Norman I didn't care what I was doing.
"You still haven't told me anything about your life yet," Norman observed, smiling at me. "How did you end up here?"
"Well," I started off. "I sort of lost my way. In fact no, I didn't really lose my way because I didn't know where I was going in the first place. In fact I still haven't figured that out, where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do. You see, up until yesterday, I lived in Phoenix. It took me about eighteen hours to get here. And…leaving Phoenix was probably the most stupid decision I could ever have made. But I had to because…Norman, can I confide in you?"
"Of course," he said eagerly.
"Well you see…that day I had been given forty thousand dollars to take to the bank. And…well, to put it in a very simple way, I didn't. I took it, packed my suitcase, and left, and arrived here. And looking back on it now, I can't even understand why I did it. I had a good life in Phoenix, but it was just…somehow not right for me. I wanted a new start, in a better town, maybe I wanted more excitement, and I just…I don't even know what I wanted. It was just a sudden and impulsive decision. Everyone has always told me I was impulsive, and up until now I thought it was a good thing, but now…well, now I'm not so sure."
I looked at Norman sadly. I was expecting him to probably kick me out of the motel for being a thief, but he didn't. He just looked at me with a surprised look on his face and waited. I laughed weakly. "You probably think I'm crazy," I said gloomily. "Forgive me, I shouldn't even have told you anything about it."
"No, no. Not at all," Norman said finally. "I don't think you're crazy at all. You're just…very brave."
I laughed again. "Brave? I suppose that's just a nicer word for crazy."
"No, that's not what I meant at all," Norman carried on. "I meant…well, we all go a little crazy sometimes, don't we? And I understand why you would want to do this."
"So, you're…you're not going to go to the police?" I asked reluctantly.
"Of course not," Norman said. "I would never do that."
"Really? Oh, thank you so much. I was getting kind of scared that you would."
"Never," Norman said. We were both silent for a while then. I couldn't thank him enough for not telling on me. I probably shouldn't have told him any of those things anyway, but I couldn't help myself, I always tell things, and anyway, I trusted him. I felt I could trust him with my life.
"Did you have any family in Phoenix?" Norman asked me finally.
I thought about that for a minute. "Well. Not really what you could call a family. I…I had a boyfriend called Sam, but he was never around. I also have a sister called Lila, but…well, she was never around either. So I suppose I never really had a proper family. I've always been kind of lonely in Phoenix." Then I paused and thought a bit more. "You're probably wondering if they'll be worried about me. Well, I think sooner or later they might be, but my sister rarely calls me any more, so she probably won't even realise that I'm not there. And Sam…well, let's just say that Sam's and my…connection was more physical than anything else. He just…he just came over to Phoenix every week and had sex with me in a hotel room. And we also argued often. We just…we weren't right for each other. When someone's the right person for you, you just know. Do you know what I mean?" I finished off gently. Again we looked at each other for a long time; in fact, such a long time that I wondered if I had unintentionally embarrassed him, but then he spoke again.
"Of course I know," he said. "I've just never been lucky enough to meet the right person in my life."
"Are you so lonely here?" I asked him gloomily.
Norman hesitated. "Well, I have my mother. But she's…well, she's not exactly what you could call could good company. I mean, she's ill and I have to look after her all the time. I've just always wanted a friend. Someone like you, but…" Norman's voice trailed off and he sighed.
"But what?" I asked.
"But my mother didn't usually approve of me having other friends," Norman said after a pause. "She always wanted it to just be her and me, without anything coming between us, and up until a while ago I thought I did too. But then…well, then I met you. And now I'm not so sure any more. And you understand that I always wanted me and my mother's relationship to change, but it never did. I suppose she'll just always be the same."
Then we both smiled. That was when it really did seem to me that I was helping Norman, whatever his problem might be.
"Well, my life was completely different from yours,
then," I carried on. "Both my parents died when I was quite young
and I only had my sister left. I like the fact that you and your
mother are so close. I definitely never had a relationship like that
with either of my parents."
"If you…if you knew what
my mother was like, you probably wouldn't think that. She was
always very strict with me and…and a bit strange," he added. "But
anyway. It doesn't really bother me that much any more. Anyway,
tell me about your sister. What is she like?"
Then I laughed again and thought about it. "Well, to be completely frank with you, she always scares me. She's very…I don't know, very aggressive, I suppose. And not just with me, with everybody. If someone says one thing to upset her she goes crazy. We used to get into arguments all the time; most of them were because she was nagging at me about something. I don't think you would like to meet her very much, actually. I don't think anyone would!"
"How old is she? About your age?"
"She's not my age. She's older. Thirty in September, I think. She always used to think that just because she was older than me, she could boss me around and tell me what to do. We used to have these huge arguments. I suppose that's why she doesn't get in touch much any more. I think it was just because we were so different that we didn't get along. Well, not all the time at least. Sometimes we did, and we had a lot of fun sometimes. But the point is we had two completely different personalities. She kept nagging at me to do something with my life, even though she never really did anything much with her life either. She always used to call me a thoughtless little slut, if you'll excuse my language," I added. "And thoughtless I am," I said, sighing deeply. "I hate to admit it, but I really am thoughtless, and there's nothing that I can do about it. It's just the way I am. But I mean…I'm not a slut, if you want to know. I mean…you don't think I act like one, do you?"
"No, of course not," Norman said. "I mean…you're probably the nicest girl I've ever met."
Then once again I found myself fighting not to blush. "Well, thank you. If you got to know me, though, you'd probably think that I was horrible, trust me," I said and laughed again.
"I would never think that about you. As I said, I've never met anyone like you before. And I mean that in a good way," Norman added. "You just…fascinate me. You have something that most girls never have."
"I have?" I repeated, looking deeply into his eyes.
"There's no name for it. It's something that puts a person at ease," Norman continued. "Something that makes anyone feel comfortable around you."
"That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," I said and we both smiled again. Once again my heart skipped a beat and fluttered in my chest. Norman was so kind and…well, I had almost forgotten any kind of problem that he must have. Right then all I could think of was that I love him, and I hoped more than anything that he did as well.
Sometimes, for the rest of that day, we just walked companionably together outside, not speaking, but just enjoying being together. I must admit that by the end of that day Norman was starting to act a little more…normal. A little more normal and a little less paranoid than how he was acting last night and this morning. He was getting better, I thought, and I liked to think that maybe it was from being with me that he was acting more calm and more "together."
That evening we went back to the office. He fixed us dinner, and we both ate it this time. I was actually feeling a lot calmer and happier I had been the day before. I must admit, the day before I was a nervous wreck. But now I felt better, and I thought that Norman did too. At least I hoped so, even though I was still pretty spooked out about how Norman was acting in his house this morning.
After we had finished dinner we just sat looking at each other for a long time, like we had yesterday evening, but then I decided to break the silence. "I think we should go to bed. It's getting late."
I was actually hoping more than anything that he would ask me to spend the night with him again. I would feel much better with him there to give me comfort and safety than alone in my room. It made me feel sort of insecure, being alone now. And also, I must admit, I was kind of scared at what Norman had been telling me about his mother. I didn't want to be alone. But he didn't say anything; he just sat there smiling at me. "Would you like to come to my room?" I asked him finally. "It's better than in here, and we'd have more space." I saw that his smile faded from his face, so I quickly carried on. "Of course I understand if you don't want to. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound too forward."
"No," he said to me smiling. "I'd love to."
