A Mess of her Own Making
Chapter 7
Nina walked into work and headed straight for the change room to put her bag down and have a few moments to herself before she headed to the front desk to see what was in store for her today. She was looking forward to seeing her friends, but was also nervous because they were all very good midwives and she knew that despite her desire to tell them once she was past the first trimester, there was a very good chance one of them would figure it out before then.
She knew it wasn't going to be particularly easy working and trying to battle through the fatigue that often crept up on her without warning, but her job was important to her and she would do all she could to ensure that she was able to continue being an obstetrician and a mother.
Once she was sure she was ready to face the others she walked out of the change room with her pass hanging around her neck, trying not to play with it as it was a clear sign she was anxious and approached the front desk.
"Nina, you're back thank God" Cherie said as she walked up to Nina and embraced her. She'd missed her friend terribly and with her current confusion about her relationship with Sam she really needed her friend to be able to talk through her feelings about him.
"Thanks Cherie, I'm glad to be back" Nina said, hoping not too many questions would be asked, she was not the best liar and she knew she was going to need to be evasive about her reasons for returning to St Francis.
"Nina, you look terrible everything okay?" Kim asked as she observed Nina taking in her paler than usual features and a bit of puffiness around her eyes. She was very curious about why Nina was back from Baltimore, had a feeling that she just couldn't be away from her family for that long a period. As much as she loved Neens, she had hoped that this break away from her family would help Nina not be as involved with her family as before.
"Yes, I've just found it a bit hard to get used to being back here. It was much colder in Baltimore" Nina said hoping that would satisfy Kim's curiosity.
"Hmm well welcome back" Kim said not totally buying Nina's explanation but resolved to observe her a little before making her determination about what was wrong with Nina.
"Thank you, I'm anxious to get back into work, any patients for me to see?" Nina asked, thinking that if she turned the conversation back to work that she might be able to escape the inquisition she could see Kim priming for.
"Nina, welcome back, Martin told us you'd come back from Baltimore early" Zara said as she walked up to the front desk. She'd been looking for Nina's replacement, as one of the mother's they had in the delivery suite was getting close to delivery, but couldn't find him anywhere.
"Thanks Zara, now are there any patients I can be seeing?" Nina asked once again trying to bring the conversation back to work, she could see that Zara was very curious about her reasons for returning back to work and she knew she'd find it harder to lie to Zara than any of them.
"Here Nina, but we will talk later" Zara said as she handed Nina some files. Nina watched warily as Zara walked over to the desk and decided she better get out of there while she still could.
A couple of hours later and Nina decided she really needed a break so she headed out to the balcony with a cup of tea and one of the sandwiches Billie had made her. She was so lost in thought she didn't hear anyone approaching the chairs she was sitting in.
"Nina, I know you and I have never really gotten along, but if you need someone to talk to, I am happy to listen" Zara said as she sat down next to Nina. She wasn't sure if anyone had told Nina about Chris, but decided it was probably best if she broached the subject with her.
"Thank you Zara, but at the moment I am barely managing this situation myself, and I'm afraid that if I talk to someone about it I'll break down" Nina told Zara, knowing she was giving away something by telling Zara that, but she just needed time to get her head around this before she told everyone.
"I understand, um Nina has anyone told you about Chris?" Zara asked, not wanting to upset Nina further but she felt Nina deserved to know.
"What about Chris?" Nina asked, having a feeling she knew what Zara was going to tell her, but not really caring any more. Yes she'd had strong feelings for Chris, but she'd come to understand that things between them would never have worked and she was beginning to get over him.
"He left for Brisbane with Alice last week, Alice got a job in Brisbane and he decided to follow" Zara told Nina watching her face as she relayed the information.
"I had a feeling that would happen, when I didn't see him around the hospital, I had suspected he left, but it would have been nice if he'd told me himself" Nina said taking a bite from her sandwich and relishing the taste. It was wonderful to eat something that didn't make her feel sick.
"You're taking the news well, I thought you might be more upset" Zara said watching Nina take a sip of her tea, thinking she could detect a hint of ginger in the tea. Her thoughts about what could be wrong with Nina spiralled and she was more curious than ever, but she resolved she would wait until Nina told them all. She liked Nina, even if she was a bit scatterbrained sometimes and hopeless with men, she really wished they had a closer relationship.
"I accepted before I went to Baltimore that Chris and I weren't going to make it as a couple, I'd sorted everything in my life to ensure I could be with him freely without my past messing things up and he couldn't let Alice go, it is what it is and now, well lets just say my life is complicated enough as it is without involving Chris" Nina said knowing she was giving more away to Zara, but not really feeling ready to open up to her as yet.
"Nina?" Kim said as she opened up the door to the balcony.
"We need you" Kim told her and looked at Zara meaningfully as Nina got up finishing her sandwich and taking the last drink of her tea.
The rest of the day passed with a couple of caesareans and one fairly difficult birth which drained Nina both emotionally and physically. By the time she arrived home she was exhausted and as much as she wanted to fall into bed and sleep the night away she knew she needed to eat something. She looked around for Billie and smiled as she looked in the fridge and found a note from Billie on top of a meal Billie had obviously prepared for her earlier in the day.
"Neens this stir fry has ginger in it and lots of fresh veggies which should hopefully go down a treat, Mick and I are out to dinner and will probably be back late. Sleep well and hope your first day back at work went well. Love Billie"
Nina smiled as she warmed up her dinner, relishing the calm of being home by herself. Although she was tired she was happy that she was feeling less nauseous than she had in the past few weeks and she was hopeful that the last couple of weeks of her first trimester would be a lot easier.
She ate dinner slowly, savouring every mouthful and then once she was finished she got ready for bed, she decided to have a nice bath in order to relax herself after a stressful day and relax her muscles. As she undressed she looked again at herself in the mirror knowing that she wouldn't be able to see any signs of her pregnancy but she couldn't help but check for any signs of the life within her.
When she was completely relaxed from the bath she bundled herself up in her comfiest pj's and laid down in bed. It was only when she was lying down that she could feel any sign that she was pregnant. Her abdomen was firmer than normal and if she pressed down a little she could feel signs that her uterus had enlarged to accommodate the growing embryo. She couldn't wait until she could feel the baby moving within her, then it would feel real.
The next couple of weeks went the same way, with Nina working, doing her best to rest when she needed and eat as well as she could. The nausea persisted for a while and then began to taper off the closer she got to the end of the first trimester.
She managed to dodge the concern of her colleagues and keep their queries at bay until she passed her first trimester. She was sure that Cherie would have guessed it by now, but her concerns over her relationship with Sam seemed to keep her powers of detecting pregnancy at bay. They spent a few lunches together dissecting Cherie and Sam's relationship trying to figure out why Cherie felt so off about it, but as yet had not come to a conclusion that satisfied Cherie. Nina knew what it was, Cherie and Sam had reached the stage that Cherie always baulked at and as much as she wanted to tell her friend that, she knew that Cherie would find a way to dismiss her view on the matter.
Billie continued to be supportive, but there were times that Nina could sense it was getting too much for her. Nina's clothes were beginning to get tight on her and she had needed to buy a few pairs of pants to get her through the next month or so before resorting to maternity wear. Although Billie came with her willingly to shop for new pants, she could see that she was struggling with the reasons and the fact that the pregnancy was becoming more real. The healthier Nina felt and the less she needed Billie, the more Billie seemed to distance herself from her. She was sure that once she began showing Billie would finally have the reaction to the pregnancy that she was expecting.
She finally got around to finding an obstetrician for the pregnancy and found she was very excited about the coming ultrasound she needed to have at the 12 week mark. She wanted to see how much the baby had changed and see if it would feel more real, being able to see the baby on an ultrasound screen. She was also nervous because she knew that any possible problems with the pregnancy would become apparent during the ultrasound and she couldn't bear thinking that something could be wrong with the baby.
She'd discussed with Billie and Mick and she felt that it would easiest for both herself and Mick if they attended her appointments together, to separate their relationship into expectant parents, but only that. She felt if Billie was included then it would make it too complicated. She and Mick needed to have a relationship outside of his relationship with Billie, and as much as it pained her to admit, she didn't want Billie involved, because she didn't want Billie feeling like this would be her child also. She knew that they would all have to sit down soon and decide how involved Mick was going to be in this baby's life and what it would mean for them all, but for now she wanted to just try and keep things as simple as possible.
Okay going to leave things there as I want to tackle the 12 week scan and other things in the next chapter. I know we need to sort Geraldine's reaction to the baby and bring Jimmy back eventually, but for now onto the 12 week scan and everyone's reactions.
