Part VI

"Are you sure you are really that angry at Yong Qi and not partly at me?" Xiao Jian asked her later.

She looked at her brother (Her! Brother!), startled. "What?"

"If you are angry at Yong Qi for not telling you about his mother, why are you not angry at me for not telling you about our relationship for just as long?"

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi did not know how to answer. Was she angry at Xiao Jian? Should she be? She had only been too happy and giddy at the prospect of a brother, a name, a family and roots that she never considered it.

But then…Xiao Jian had even vaguer reasons for not telling her about them. He never even intended to, and only did because he was pushed to desperation to do so. So why was she not more annoyed by that?

"I wish, one day, Sister, that you would find it that easy to become so angry at me," Xiao Jian said with something like sorrow in his voice.

"What on earth do you mean? Why would you wish that?"

"Don't you think it's easier for you to be angry at Yong Qi and to take your frustration out on him, because you trust him more than you do me?"

She just stared at him, while he looked back at her with an expression that was hard to read. She could not understand how he came up with such a statement, or even what it was supposed to mean.

"I think…I think you feel much freer to lash out at Yong Qi and to become angry at him because you know, despite everything, no matter what you say, no matter how you say it, he will always love you. You trust him to forgive you, to never leave you. I wish I had enough of that trust from you."

"You do – " she started, but even with only so many words, Xiao Yan Zi knew what Xiao Jian was saying was, painful as it was to admit, true.

Ever since knowing he was her brother, she somehow had been living in a constant mixture of happiness and fear. Happiness was natural, but there was also the fear that it was all too good to be true, that it was a dream, and that she would wake up some time, or that he would discover that she couldn't possibly be his sister, so unlike as they were, and that he would leave. Maybe he did have doubts, she thought. Otherwise what other reason did he have for not telling her, considering how long they'd known each other? He must have doubts, otherwise he would want to tell her, not admit that he had plans of never telling her about their relationship at all. So how could she demand that he answer for his long silence? What if by asking why he took so long to tell her, she would trigger him into thinking better of it and taking it all away?

Did that mean now that he was right? Was half of her anger at Yong Qi now wrongly directed?

"You see," Xiao Jian said with a rueful smile.

"I don't know," she said finally.

Xiao Jian sighed. "For all the reservations I had about you and Yong Qi, there is something I can never deny. He loves you, too much for his own good sometimes. I wished he did not, sometimes. Then at least I would have reasons to dislike him. As it is, I cannot. I know he does not think so, but I do appreciate his love for you, and the fact that he has been taking care of you when I could not. While I cannot claim I understand the situation, I think I can understand, somewhat, why he has not been telling you these things."

"Why?"

"There are burdens, there are pains, that cannot lessen even shared. There are things you can't change. There are pains that will always be there. He doesn't want to put the burden on you, Xiao Yan Zi, because the only thing that achieves is that he will have to see you in pain as well. It will only add more to his. He was only trying to protect both you and him."

"Maybe I don't need protection," she said tartly.

"I know you don't. Yong Qi does too. But we both care about you, and just knowing you don't need protection doesn't mean we can turn off our instinct to protect you. If Yong Qi did not have that irrational need to keep you safe, it would mean he loved you less. Don't be angry at him for caring about you, Xiao Yan Zi. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I sympathise more with Yong Qi right now, Sister."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know what to say to that. But then, Xiao Jian didn't expect her to.

He only said, "Just talk to him, all right? And let him explain. Secrets, especially like these, can't be easy to carry and he's suffering enough already."


Later still that evening, Xiao Yan Zi found Yong Qi sitting by himself outside. She watched him from behind, and wondered whether he regretted being here now, instead of where he should rightly be…

Maybe that was why she had been so angry. She never truly dared to think she could be the most important thing or person in his life, but if there was someone else that occupied his thoughts even more, she would have liked to know.

She understood, to an extent, the pain that Er Kang talked of, and the struggle to keep the balance between recognising the numerous faults Huang Ah Ma possessed and still loving him. She just couldn't understand why he would put himself through it silently and alone. Didn't he think she would understand? As for protection, well he should know well enough that she could take these things.

Even after Xiao Jian's explanation – which for some reason filled Xiao Yan Zi with something like foreboding, because how did Xiao Jian seem so knowledgeable? – she still could not bring herself to be convinced. It still felt painfully like he lacked trust in her, not because he didn't want to burden her.

Frustrating! He had always been frustrating, now more than ever! She let out a heavy sigh and stomped her foot at the thought.

At the sound, Yong Qi turned around and saw her.

He didn't say anything at first, but just looked at her. The look of a thousand burdens on his face tugged at her heart, despite everything. Er Kang was right, he needed her support now, not her anger. She just hoped he would allow her to understand his mind first.

Xiao Yan Zi approached him and sat down beside him on the low railing of the roofed hallway.

"I'm still angry at you," she said, though her voice was soft and held only a trace of petulance.

"I know." He sounded almost accepting. She wished he did not, because it meant that he had no intention of arguing with her. That spoke more to her of the state of his emotions than anything.

"I just don't understand!" she exclaimed, turning to face him. "Why did you have to wait until now to tell me? Because it just feels like all this time, you didn't trust me. Or that you are somehow ashamed of me that you would not tell me about your mother or introduce me to her. And now you're here with me and don't you dare tell me that you want to be here, away from your mother! You are here because of me, but it's not right, and now it feels like I've stolen you away. Will you please just say something!"

The fact that he let her shout at him was infuriating in itself, because that was never how their fights went. At least if he was shouting back, she'd know how he felt. It might hurt, it might make her angrier but at least they were communicating. Badly, perhaps, but it was something. She didn't know how to deal with him like this.

Yong Qi sighed and reached a hand out to stroke her cheek. "I know it's hard for you to understand. Sometimes, I don't understand it myself. But would you believe me if I told you it's really not you, it's me?"

She snorted at the ridiculous line.

"There is one thing you must know, though. That is I am not ashamed of you, I can never be." Off her look, he continued, "I know you don't believe it, but it's true. I've wanted you to meet E'niang for a very long time."

"Then why not?"

Yong Qi sighed and took her hand. The still frustrated part of her wished to pull away, but the other, bigger part started to see that maybe he wasn't trying to hurt her on purpose, that perhaps Zi Wei was right – he was here, and that counted for something. Or a lot.

"You are so important to me, and I wanted the meeting to be perfect. But I guess the problem was I didn't know what I was looking for. I think I kept on waiting for some sign to tell me that this was the right time, and the only sign I got seemed to be telling me it wasn't. First there was that whole identity crisis of you and Zi Wei, and then we got caught up with Er Tai's wedding and Hui Bin Lou and then Lao Fo Ye came back… Now, looking back, so much of it is just procrastination and excuses, really. I suppose I was also afraid that – "

"That the meeting would be as disastrous as the one with Lao Fo Ye? That like Lao Fo Ye, your mother would think I'm not good enough for you?"

The words were unexpectedly bitter as she said them. Xiao Yan Zi did not care so much for Lao Fo Ye that she was desperate for her approval, but for his sake, she wished she had it. She knew, no matter what happened, as much as she was important to Yong Qi, so was Lao Fo Ye, and definitely so was his mother. She, who spent most of her life wishing and looking for a family, was not so foolish as to dismiss this truth, even if she never said it to him. She supposed she always acted the complete opposite of this understanding, because she didn't know how to get this approval, and even if she did, the things required was beyond her ability and nature.

The idea that his mother might share Lao Fo Ye's opinion too scared her more than she wanted to feel. She never wished to be the reason for a disagreement between him and his grandmother, and she wished even less to be that to him and his mother.

"No!" Yong Qi's firm reply brought her back to the conversation at hand. "I was afraid if it wasn't done right, it would change how you see Huang Ah Ma, that it would ruin things between you and Huang Ah Ma. Huang Ah Ma is important to you,I didn't want this to be the reason for you to lose your loving vision of him. I thought, if I could choose a time when I would be in a…compromising enough mood that I could see both sides of the story, that I then could explain to you enough so that you could still look at Huang Ah Ma the same. It all sounds so completely selfish now that I say it. I wanted everything and I wanted perfection but I should have realised long ago that that was not possible with my parents."

She did not think selfish was quite the right word for it. It only sounded like he was thinking too much about something that, at the heart of it, should really be simple.

"You would still want your mother to have a good opinion of me, though."

"Of course."

"And one the reasons you hesitated so much must be because you can't be sure she would. This can't just be about Huang Ah Ma. You can't think I don't know that Huang Ah Ma can be very unfeeling towards his concubines sometimes, even to Ling Fei. And by now, what more is there to ruin?"

He looked pained at her implication, but they both knew, regardless of whatever happened, the fact that Huang Ah Ma had showed that he was this desperate to kill them – Yong Qi, too – had changed the way all of them looked at the emperor.

"I think…" Yong Qi said slowly, "…you are very different from the kind of wife my mother would have wanted me to have."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. As if that wasn't the understatement of the year. She was possibly the last kind of wife any mother would want her son to have, even if she was being honest with herself. At least he admitted that to her, though, because she would find it hard to believe if he attempted to convince her otherwise.

"She left the palace because she wanted me to have a best chance at a peaceful life, that didn't involve…schemes or secrets or, well, provoking Huang Ah Ma."

"I imagine that's not working out so well," Xiao Yan Zi said with a slight sigh.

"Not exactly," he agreed.

"Why did you come with me then?" she exclaimed. "You shouldn't have! Now you just make me feel like, if she really wouldn't like me, then it would all be justified…"

"I am sorry if you really feel that way," he said, "because it was not my intention at all. But the thing is, Xiao Yan Zi, my mother also wishes me to be happy. This, she had told me, on more than one occasion. But for a long time, happy was not a word I associated with life in the palace, not until there was you. Even now, I cannot pretend that I am totally in my elements here, outside the palace, but there is a sense of freedom and joy here, despite everything, that I haven't felt for a long time in the palace."

Before, she thought that the only reason he was here was because of his devotion to her, for which she was thankful, but she also always assumed that he would never be able to understand what it was like, living outside the palace, away from the luxuries. She always thought, his life before her had been one perfect picture of freedom from worries, pain and longing. She never expected, as she realised now, that perhaps being outside the palace was as much an escape for him as it was for her.

"To be honest, this life outside the palace, for all its struggles and difficulties, even in these circumstances, is more peace than the palace ever was," he continued. "And if I am to be happy like E'niang wishes, then I must be here with you. I cannot be happy without you."

She stared at him for a long while, before asking the dreaded question. "Can you be happy without her?"

He was quiet for even longer, then said, "I can never see Huang Ah Ma again, perhaps, but that doesn't mean I will never see E'niang again. I don't intend to abandon her, Xiao Yan Zi. I can't abandon her. Now, I know Fu Daren will do all he can for her, but I will return to her at some point."

He did not ask, but then, by now he should not have to ask. He was here, so she should know how to respond to this, too.

"And I will return with you, if you wish me to," she said softly, placing a hand on the side of his neck.

At that moment, she knew he understood that she had forgiven him. Yet perhaps it wasn't ever a question of anger and forgiveness. All this was more a reminder of how they should have been more open with each other, to trust that no matter how difficult the issue, that they could pull through this together. By now, one would think they have learnt this lesson. In fact, perhaps the more difficult the issue, the less chance they had of successfully dealing with it alone.

"But you should have told me these things," she said.

"I know," he said, leaning into her hand. She let her fingers gently caress his neck. "I wanted to. It's just that…"

He struggled for words, and for the first time ever, looking at his expression now, suddenly Xiao Yan Zi found herself knowing what to say better than he did.

"You've dealt with all of this alone all your life and no matter how sympathetic some people are, they don't understand the whole of it so you don't want to make them uncomfortable by talking about it. You keep it away and try to live on because you don't know how to do anything else."

Yong Qi stared at her, amazed.

A chuckle that was tinged with bittersweet escaped her. She pulled her hand back and looked away from him, lost in thoughts for a moment.

"I told Zi Wei that when you told me this, it feels like I don't know you at all, but now it turns out that maybe I know you, and what it's like to do all this, a bit too well," she said pensively.

Turning back to him, she saw that he was looking at her with eyes full of worry and dread. "I shudder to think that these words are spoken from experience."

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. So her life experiences weren't the best ever, but she liked to think that without them she would have been a different person.

"No, really, I think I make myself forget, sometimes," he said, "the life you must have led before…I think part of me doesn't want to imagine it, because if I do, I will pull up all sorts of horrible scenarios that I can't bear to think of your going through and how it must be for you, if even you feel the need to hide it all away."

"It was not always so bad," she said, "not much worse than our current situation anyhow."

This was not entirely true, of course. Their lives now were far from the palace, and much closer to her life before, but now she also had companionship, friends and comfort. Those things weren't always available before she met Liu Qing and Liu Hong. And she also had him. She realised, she never appreciated his presence before as much as she did now.

She understood what he was saying, however. They had only ever talked about what the latest scheme was, or there were vague conversations about the future, but the things that happened in their past weren't ever truly part of their conversations before now. It wasn't just he who was withholding information either.

"I guess there are plenty of things about me that I wouldn't tell you unless you asked. I never really asked you about your mother either."

"You shouldn't have to. I am sorry, Xiao Yan Zi. You should have met her long before this. And I know all this is not going to make the eventual meeting any easier."

She sighed. No, it would not. If she hardly dared hope before that his mother would actually like her, she had even less hope now. She could not even blame him for it, because even though he didn't tell her all this, ultimately it was still she who pulled him away.

And yet the entire situation brought on the full significance of his being here more strongly than ever. If she had known all this from the beginning, or at least before they left Beijing, she would never have taken it for granted that he would come with her, always.

"You should not have come with me," Xiao Yan Zi said. "I never would have been so easy about you leaving it all if I had known. Even I understand there's a difference between leaving Huang Ah Ma, the palace and all its riches and leaving your mother."

He sighed and twisted a strand of her hair around his finger thoughtfully for a moment.

"That was part of the reason," he said softly, "when everything got caught together, I hesitated in telling you before we left Beijing. I knew you would not want me to leave with you then, and I didn't want you to feel that I was choosing you over E'niang."

"Weren't you?" she asked skeptically.

"No. Perhaps circumstances necessitated us to leave Beijing then, but I could never imagine not coming back to her. And I suppose…the thing about my mother being out of the palace for so long, was that there would be no real reason for Huang Ah Ma to make her suffer for what I did, not unless he knew where I was and could make me become aware of that, at least. So perhaps the better solution for her was for me to be away from the direct line of Huang Ah Ma's anger."

"But that doesn't mean you didn't worry. It doesn't mean that you didn't fear there was still that chance…"

"True," he admitted. "But the truth is, I don't think Lao Fo Ye would allow Huang Ah Ma to let his anger take that turn, either."

"Lao Fo Ye would not have allowed Huang Ah Ma to hurt you," she pointed out.

"Perhaps not, but Xiao Yan Zi, but Lao Fo Ye would not have allowed Huang Ah Ma to let my grandfather's crimes to have physical repercussions on my mother all those years ago, either, yet she still felt the need to leave. The truth is, I think if there is anyone who understands that sometimes lack of physical punishment can make staying there and bearing the emotional punishments the worst alternative, it would be E'niang."

She tilted her head at him, not understanding.

"I don't exactly understand what happened all those years ago, with my grandfather. I could look into it, I suppose, but never really wanted to, because it seemed like it would hurt more than it was worth to find out. Besides, the messy politics wasn't really what caused my mother to think she had to leave. Lao Fo Ye liked her, and would not have allowed Huang Ah Ma to really do anything to her. She could not extend that same protection to my grandfather; that was state matters. Lao Fo Ye did not wish for my mother to leave, but she did anyway. Not dying doesn't necessarily mean much while you are in the palace, where there could be fates worse than death. I will not deny that E'niang probably hoped for status and position for me, and to be honest, I can't blame her for that. But most of all, she would want me to be safe and even out here, there is more guarantee of that. Even with people wanting to kill us, perhaps even considering there are people wanting to kill us."

Neither of them reminded each other that those people were, apparently, sent by Huang Ah Ma.

"Xiao Yan Zi," he said, "what I'm trying to say is, leaving wasn't an easy decision. I don't regret it, and so I didn't want to put you in a position where you would have wonder whether I did. It doesn't justify not telling you, I know. If I had trouble telling you, it wasn't because I didn't trust you, but because I don't think I trust myself to forgive myself that this is what I want. I don't even know if E'niang would understand, though I did ask Fu Daren to deliver a letter to her, and could only hope that he explained some things to her. I can only pray that she understands then, but until I know, I told myself that I cannot make you go through that feeling of guilt with me."

Xiao Yan Zi just gave him an exasperated look.

"I know," he said, smiling wryly.

She only softened her features, however, reached out and laced her fingers in his, feeling the warmth of his skin against hers.

"I thought I knew before, how much you love me. It occurred now to me that what I thought I knew was just a fraction of it all. And yet I have not been very good to you lately, especially when it came to things to do with Xiao Jian. I am sorry, too, Yong Qi."

"You know I don't think about it like that," he said, shaking his head.

She gave him a look of disbelief. "Really?"

"It's silly now, looking back, how worked up I was about Xiao Jian…"

"Looking back, yes," she said, interrupting. "But considering what we didn't know before, it wasn't silly at all. Zi Wei even said…"

"She said what?" he probed when she didn't go on.

Xiao Yan Zi shook her head at her own stubbornness before. "I have no reason to be angry at you for being jealous when I reacted the exact same way about Cai Lian. Really, I should know to not give you reasons to doubt my feelings, let alone blame you for it."

Yong Qi tugged at her hand and pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek against her hair.

"I never doubted you. Nor would I want you to feel that you have to somehow go out of your way to prove your feelings. I had a lot on my mind, and I allowed myself to see things in the worst way possible. I should have known that I needed to confide more in you."

She pulled slightly away to look up at him. "You know, considering we started this trip with the intention of allowing us to spend the rest of our lives together, we've been horrible at actually sharing the things that have been going on in our lives. So how about now, we don't argue for the bigger share of how badly we've been communicating this entire trip and just be glad that we got to this stage without another epic shouting match?"

He smiled at her and brushed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Okay."


As soon as Huang Shang left, after giving the order allowing Fu Lun to go find the children and tell them of the emperor's clemency, Fu Lun could have collapsed from the relief.

"I never thought the day would come," he told Ling Fei.

"Huang Shang has been missing them for a long time, I think he's just been too proud to admit it," Ling Fei said. "I am glad that he finally came to his senses. This has gone on for too long. His regrets over losing Xiang Fei could never measure up to his loss from losing his children."

"And thank Heavens for that! I should go and make preparations to leave right away."

"Yes, but perhaps before you leave…" Ling Fei looked quickly around to make sure, even if there was no doubt, that Huang Shang was no longer in the room. Then, lowering her voice still, she said, "…you should go let Yu Fei know. But perhaps just don't mention the injuries until we know just how serious they really are."

"Yes, of course," her brother-in-law agreed.