"Wake up, Sayu!" Light sung. His voice cracked, making Sayu wince.

"Lightinson George P. Bush Crack-Cocaine Yagami the Fourth!" snarled Sayu, her voice dropping ten or so octaves. Light, having heard someone say his full name, burst into flames. As he writhed on the floor, Sayu rose out of bed and hovered above him, placing a heavily-armored foot on his neck to keep him in place while she spoke. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Light squirmed out of his loose, soggy skin jacket and smiled up at Sayu in his true form— a special skeleton. "Yes, Sayu-chum! It's time for shopping!" Sayu's face went grey and she let Special Skeleton Light Yagami roll out of the room so she could get ready. She was so happy to be able to live with him.

Special Skeleton Light Yagami's plan was working perfectly. He found Ryuk at the bottom of the stairs and took the one free moment of the day with him to trade rare stamps.

"Wow, you've really outdone yourself this time!" screamed Ryuk, handing him a stamp with a life-sized picture of Light's penis on it.

"Thanks," Light replied, passing him a stamp decorated with a picture of all of Ryuk's friends.

"Hey, this one's blank."

"I'm ready to go!" chirped Sayu from upstairs. Special Skeleton Light Yagami scooped her up and put her in his backpack. He said nothing and walked out the front door.

"Bye, mom," he said to his mother.

"Mmmhmmm," she said as Light crushed her face with his footsteps on his way out the door. It didn't pay well, but being a doormat got Light's mom much closer to her favorite person in the whole wide world. She watched wistfully as he drove into the horizon. A single tear rolled down her bloody cheek.

Light wasn't sure how he'd made a wrong turn. Sayu managed to escape the backpack not long after they began their drive, and had been talking nonstop about something stupid for a solid ten minutes. Light didn't care.

They eventually pulled into the mall parking lot, Sayu half-heartedly mumbling something about tax benefits. Her eyes were glazed over and she had irregular scratches on her arm. A single feather poked out from the middle of her jacket zipper. Suddenly Light was on the outside of the car, tapping on the passenger side window. Sayu slowly turned her head to look at him. Light smiled and coughed up a little bit of black bile; a friendly gesture according to his religion.

"Let's go, Sayu! You don't want to be late for the armed robbery, do you?" he said. Light felt a lot like the dad he never had when he saw Sayu's face light up.

"Yeah, let's go!" Sayu screamed.

Light took Sayu's hand and galloped into the mall with her dragging behind him.

"My knees! Light, stop! My knees!" Sayu wailed. Light said nothing and began to run even faster, leaving Sayu's knees far behind in the parking lot.

Light and Sayu perused the various stores for the rest of the afternoon, but all the while Light couldn't help but feel watched. Perhaps it was the man dressed as a bush that always seemed to be about six feet behind them. No, that can't be it, Light thought. Then he saw it. A cloaked woman with wrinkle tattoos on her face sat on a bench a mere two inches away from Light's face. Light couldn't help it; the anger building up inside him was too strong to hold back. How dare this woman encroach upon his territory?

"I will fucking decimate you, you damned fucking nazi!" Light screamed at the woman.

"Pardon?" replied the old lady whose wrinkles were not tattoos at all.

"Oh my god," said Light. He pressed his palms to his forehead and massaged it in circular motions, trying to avoid the oncoming sinus headache. "Didn't you hear me the first time?"

"Pardon?" said the lady again.

"Jesus Christ." Light turned to leave, but just as he did, the little old lady let out a snicker. Light's face became beet red and liquid anger spewed from every orifice, just like during his annual case of spring Ebola. Luckily the diaper soaked up most of it; Light prided himself on his preparedness for these types of situations.

Not wanting to unleash his unholy, murderous fury on a single soul to bear the burden, he stuck his finger into Sayu's belly button and fished out her kidney, the sticky dripping mass almost slipping from his grip. He gently placed it into the woman's hand and decided to go all jigsaw on her.

"I am giving you a decision, okay?" he said, slowly and calmly. Almost too calmly. The woman whose wrinkles just might actually be tattoos after all nodded her head. "Perfect," Light continued. "Now, you can either eat my sister's grimy kidney," Light motioned to the lady's gift. "Or you can disrespect me one more time and I can rip every single one of your teeth out your dirty, diseased gums and force them under your eyelids."

"Your hollow threats mean nothing to me, foolish boy," the lady responded, smiling a toothless smile. With that, hard candies burst forth in berating waves from her sleeves. She cackled maniacally, sending forth hundreds of tiny dogs to bark at Light until he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Fucking shit, I've been foiled again!" Light yelled, shaking teacup yorkies from his pant legs. The man who had been covered in leaves then quickly and flamboyantly revealed himself with a flourish of his flowers.

"Not if I can help it!" It was Matsuda, here to save the day! He leapt into the air and while suspended above the floor tiles, discarded his Bush cosplay and assumed his fighting stance next to the lady. "Oh, shit. Well… this is awkward. I thought that she was… uh, losing. Light, I'm sure you're a good person and all, but this was sort of… just a bit of a, well, misunderstanding. Fuck. Sorry. Fuck."

Matsuda shuffled out of the room, but since they were in the middle of a mall he had to shuffle into the nearest enclosed area, which just happened to be the women's washroom. The last thing anybody heard from him was three or four bloodcurdling screams of which the last was cut short. The last anyone saw was a red streak in the vague shape of half a Matsuda-torso that was (what they can only assume) trying fruitlessly to claw its way out of the bathroom before being dragged back in by… someone, probably.