Five Weeks Later...
Patrick hung up the phone, ticking that task off his mental list. Arrangements for the weekend were finally set. Dom would be picking them up early (he had to make sure he woke Agustin up well in advance just in case he had to shake off another major hangover), and accounting for traffic, they should be up at the River within a couple of hours, three at the most.
Patrick chewed his lip as he contemplated how this weekend might turn out. He should probably be working but his anxiety levels at what was going on both here at the office and at home with Agustin were seriously getting in the way of his productivity. This shit with Agustin had to be sorted out. He couldn't sit by and watch his best friend totally self-destruct, completely implode as he reeled from the wreckage of his relationship with Frank. Who knew he'd take it so badly? Jesus...he must have been more in love with Frank than anyone had assumed, or maybe he was just more desperately lost creatively than they'd realized. Either way, the man was a mess. He was drunk most of the time, or high on whatever shit he was taking, and he was bringing home different guys to fuck most nights, and Patrick was getting more than a little alarmed at his slide into depravity.
Thank god Dom had suggested they use Lin's cabin for a little getaway. It was just what they needed to get Agustin out of the city, away from the temptations and constant availability of all of Agustin's current vices-of-choice. A nice, quiet, calm, drama-free weekend was the ideal opportunity to get Agustin to snap out of this tail spin. And how fucking generous was Lin? He was an awesome guy. Patrick still felt a little intimidated by him because he was a legend, and because he was frankly, ridiculously cool. So laid back, so charming, nothing seemed to phase him. Grace personified. Dom had totally lucked out when he had met Lin in the steam room of his gym, and it had also been good for Dom to have to fight a little for what he wanted. Patrick was impressed by how Dom seemed to have really turned a corner these past few weeks. He had his eyes set on a goal and he was pursuing it, he was finally dating someone who was significantly older than the barely-legal set he was used to chasing, and he was even experimenting with an open relationship.
Patrick grimaced.
Good for Dom but, really? An open relationship? It sounded ideal when Dom explained it. He got to spend quality time with the ever-so-suave Lin, enjoying his company, enjoying sex, enjoying the trappings of dating a successful older man, and then he got to have guilt-free hookups with whomever he wanted, not only with Lin's permission, but with his actual encouragement! Still...Patrick didn't get it. How could Dom know that Lin wouldn't have better sex with someone else? And if Lin did, wouldn't Dom feel...diminished? Jealous? They had tried to explain it to him countless times, both Agustin and Dom, but Patrick wasn't buying it. Sharing was hard. He had always imagined it would be and now he was in his own current situation, he knew just how fucking true that was.
Fuck. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep up the pretense that everything was alright. That things were 'just fine'. Nothing was alright, and nothing was fine. He might have told Dom that this weekend was about helping Agustin, but in all reality he probably needed this trip more than anyone. This was the weekend he was going to end it. Whatever 'it' was, because honestly, he didn't even really know.
Patrick couldn't help himself. Just the merest thought of his own situation made him crave a look. Like a fucking junkie. He turned his head casually to peer into Kevin's glass box of an office, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. There he was. On the phone. Chatting, laughing...talking to Jon? Who the fuck knew. Patrick certainly didn't.
Kevin fucking Matheson. His inscrutable British boss. The MDG wonder-kid. His lover. Or his fuck-buddy. Or was he Kevin's boy-toy? What an unholy fucking mess.
Jesus. He was in no position to judge anyone else's life choices at the moment. His own relationship status on FaceBook would be 'fucking complicated' if he was being honest. And the frustrating thing was, it never needed to be like this, because five weeks ago his life was pretty fucking straightforward and simple, and if he'd had the nerve, or balls, or whatever the fuck he lacked, it could have still been like that. If only he had gone after Richie and persuaded him to forget about the horrendous start to the day and to come to the wedding with him. Or if he'd pushed him a little harder that morning at the barber shop to forgive him, to keep taking a chance on him, to abandon the concept of 'space'. Or if that night, as Richie stood on his stoop, after Patrick had been fucked by Kevin on the office floor, if he'd just told Richie that he WAS ready. That he was sorry, he'd fucked up, he was an idiot, but that he was READY to change, to be who Richie thought he saw in him. That he was so close to falling in love too.
But he hadn't done any of those things. And Richie had left.
Patrick could still have called him the next day, or the next week, or any of the following five weeks, and he'd been so close to doing so countless times. He'd even composed messages to send him, reaching out to him, and his finger had hovered over the send button as he agonized over the decision with Agustin, but he'd never pushed that fucking button. Not once. Agustin had a theory for why he couldn't take that first step to reconciliation of course, along with an unflattering opinion of Richie too, but Agustin didn't know the whole truth. He hadn't told anyone about that night at the office, or about any of the subsequent 'encounters', so Agustin was on the wrong track. It wasn't necessarily that he and Richie were incompatible, or that there were too many obstacles in the way. It was that there was one fucking huge obstacle sitting squarely in front of Patrick, obscuring his view of anything else and rendering him incapable of making any kind of logical and sensible decisions.
Kevin fucking Matheson.
With his incongruously boyish laugh, his evil sense of humor, his devilishly quick mind, his piercing beautiful eyes, his ridiculously insanely hot body, his aggressive sexuality...Oh god. The list was fucking endless and Patrick was hopelessly...infatuated.
Who the hell was he? He didn't recognize himself anymore. Never in a million years would he have believed himself capable of this...behavior. It was frankly obscene. And he could only maintain the pretense that it wasn't as long as he didn't let himself think of Jon, or as long as he could pretend to himself that he wasn't really a party to this. He wasn't doing anything wrong. If Kevin felt he could maintain a relationship with his boyfriend of two years while fucking someone else, wasn't that Kevin's problem?
There were no false expectations, not on Patrick's part, and not on Kevin's. They'd made sure of that the very next morning after their first fuck. When Kevin had texted Patrick to meet him on the roof of the MDG offices before work. Patrick had barely let Kevin express his concern over the whole Richie situation before Patrick had interrupted him and blurted out the thoughts that had been running through his mind since he'd walked out of the office the previous night.
'I've never done something like last night before, and I don't know what it means or what it says about me, but...it was...very good.' He'd admitted, feeling a little shy, a little awkward. It had been good. It had been fucking AMAZING...for him. Had it been good for Kevin? He hoped so. But there was more to talk about than just the sex. 'And I know you're with Jon and you have a life together, and I know that what you said last night, about thinking about me all the time, well, that wasn't meant like a big declaration or anything...but, well, I think about you too. A lot. And even though it's wrong and this isn't who I thought I was, if it happened again...I wouldn't... object.' Patrick had continued. Was he making sense? He still could hardly believe that Kevin thought about him. So much that it had become a problem. That was...mind blowing. And so fucking hot. But he had even more to say because he didn't want Kevin thinking he'd misunderstood or misread the situation or had any intentions of making Kevin's life difficult or ruining anything they had at work. 'But I'm not making a big deal about it, and I'm not expecting anything of you, so...maybe we should just see what happens, or...doesn't happen.' He'd finished...somewhat weakly. Fuck. He really hoped that didn't sound as pathetic out loud as it just sounded in his head.
Kevin hadn't seemed that relieved. Which was surprising because Patrick thought he would be doing cartwheels at being told they were no ties or expectations assumed after last night's fuck. He'd just wanted to spare them both the embarrassment of Kevin thinking he had to manage the poor little infatuated boy's expectations. Instead, Kevin had seemed almost more awkward than Patrick felt.
'I want you to know I've never done something like last night beforeeither.' Kevin had eventually said. 'And I don't mean the unprotected sex.' Shit...unprotected sex. Who in their right minds...but Kevin was still talking and Patrick had to focus. 'I mean...fucking someone I...careabout...while I'm with Jon. I'll be honest with you. Things have been a little... strained between me and Jon, and I'm not saying that as an excuse, but I'm trying, we're both trying to make things work, and now he's moved downhere I'm hoping things will get better.' Patrick nodded, acknowledging Jon as Kevin's priority, though all he could really hear was Kevin say he cared about him, Patrick. He was an idiot. 'But I can't regret last night either. It was amazing. YOU were amazing. And I want you to know I'm really, honestly...grateful that you let me be with you last night, but that I want us to be friends and continue this really fun dynamic we have going here, and I don't want to jeopardize that, but at the same time I would really really like to be with you, again.'
Wow. Kevin had thought he was amazing. Kevin wanted to be with him again. And just like that, any moral objections, any hesitation was swept away and Patrick was fully engaged.
'I'd like that too.' He'd replied shyly. And with that, 'it' was on. Whatever the fuck 'it' was.
So five weeks later, here he sat, gazing stupidly at Kevin through his office glass, wondering for the millionth time how he was ever going to be able to stop this. Kevin looked up at him suddenly, and Patrick froze, like a deer caught in fucking headlights. That's what it felt like when Kevin focussed on him. Like he was...helpless. Kevin smiled. The smile that Patrick sometimes convinced himself was a special smile just for him, though in reality Kevin had the whole office charmed and eating out of his hand, so...that was obviously a load of self-delusional bullshit. Still, Patrick couldn't help but smile back for an instant, and then turn away abruptly as he remembered again that he was fucking another man's boyfriend.
He was ashamed. He thought of Jon and he cringed. He imagined being Jon, clueless, making plans, building a future, unknowing. He felt like a total shit.
But he was also...ensnared. He thought of Kevin and his heart stuttered. He thought of their conversations, and their jokes, and their teasing. He thought of Kevin, his wit and his charm and his mouth and his tongue, his fingers, his cock...
Why couldn't he just have a little bit of that for himself for as long as he could? Who was being harmed? If Kevin wasn't telling Jon, was Jon suffering? If Kevin could handle the double life, why should Patrick force himself to give Kevin up? If no one got hurt, if no one was harmed, wasn't all this just...nothing? Wasn't it okay?
What mind trick did he have to perform to reconcile his image of himself with his reality? Because he was so fucking ready to do anything he could to stop going over the same things in his head again and again. He just wanted to either be done, or to be okay with not being done. This situation wasn't sustainable. The sex was good, but it wasn't worth this...relentless mind fuck.
Patrick squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers against them, hard, painfully. He needed to stop lying to himself for a start. The reality was the sex was fantastic, even though it had been scarce. If he was in this for the thrill he was going about it entirely the wrong way, because they'd only had three encounters since the first night in the office. Three times he'd had his hands on Kevin. How pathetic was that? All this anxiety and guilt, and they'd basically hooked up four times in all, and only had sex twice. He couldn't even have an affair properly. If it was just about the sex, shouldn't they be fucking like rabbits? Every opportunity they could get? Why was Kevin so...hesitant? Jesus. Really? Now he was upset because Kevin wasn't cheating on his boyfriend MORE frequently?
But if it was about casual sex, why was each encounter imprinted so heavily in his mind. He could remember every touch, every kiss, each sound, every fucking word. They replayed in his head on a fucking continuous loop and he was in a constant state of arousal, as every time he crossed Kevin's path, or their eyes met during a meeting, or he got a text from him about something inconsequential, Patrick wondered if this was the time they wouldn't be able to hold back, stop themselves...if this was the day they would get to fuck or suck or jerk each other off.
It hadn't been like that at the very beginning though. At first he was so anxious and so tightly wound up, both from the Richie situation and because of not knowing what would happen next between him and Kevin, that he hadn't had the spare emotional capacity for thinking about sex. That had changed though the first time Kevin had pounced on him, in the conference room.
Patrick had genuinely though Kevin wanted to know more details about the coding challenge he was trying to overcome, and Patrick had been innocently excited about getting the chance to work closely again with Kevin, getting to exchange ideas and try out solutions. Kevin approached any roadblock they faced with such enthusiasm and with a little boy's excitement, as if all the fun of building video games was in solving puzzles, finding unique out-of-the box solutions to seemingly intractible problems, and Patrick loved to watch his engineer's mind working. So that's what he thought was going to happen when Kevin sent the team home and asked him to stay behind that evening. Was he naive? Apparently so...but it had been three days since their fuck and they'd had several meetings since then that had ended perfectly normally, so...Patrick hadn't suspected anything, until Kevin had grabbed him mid-sentence and pinned him to the wall.
'What are you doing?' Patrick had manage to squeak before Kevin had silenced him with his lips. Oh...fuck.
'Keep your hands against the wall' Kevin had mumbled into his mouth while unbuttoning his pants.
'What!' Patrick had tried moving his mouth away from Kevin's but first he had to get a few delicious licks in...oh, those lips...and of course he had automatically flattened his hands against the wall while at the same time thrusting out his crotch so Kevin could have easier access. Shit...he was easy.
'Wait...what if...someone walks in?' Patrick tried feebly to protest, even as Kevin's hand had found his cock and had started that stroking him...
'I'll fire them.' he heard Kevin say, as his hand moved faster on Patrick. He gasped and dropped his head against the wall.
'Ok.' Patrick managed to whisper before giving himself over fully to the sensations Kevin was inciting...and what seemed like seconds later, he was coming, rigid against the wall, Kevin pressed up against him close, mouth open against Patrick's cheek, gasping as he brought himself off too.
'Fuck' Kevin groaned, dropping his forehead onto Patrick's shoulder as Patrick stood there, immobile, slumped against the wall.
'Wow' Patrick whispered eventually. 'That was unexpected.'
'Mmm.'
Patrick's mind was flooded with images and thoughts and he blinked hard to marshal his brain into some semblance of coherence before he spoke.
'Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. Not in the least. I'll never be able to look at this wall again in the same way...not that I ever really looked at this wall.' So much for being coherent. Was he really talking about the conference room wall? He looked down at himself, seeing the mess that they'd made. His cock was still hanging out of his pants which were hanging loosely on his hips, his t-shirt was wet from both of their cum, and his hands were STILL flat against the wall. 'But...I was NOT prepared for this. How am I going to get home? Look at my t-shirt!' Patrick said, still in partial shock.
'Mmm' Kevin didn't seem to be much of a talker after coming. He was one of THOSE guys it seemed. Good to know. Patrick felt a swell of tenderness for him as he stood there, obviously wiped out from his orgasm.
'Should I keep an extra set of clothes at work for when you want to jump me?' Patrick smiled, leaning forward to kiss Kevin on the neck. That felt pretty good. A little...proprietary. And what was even better was that Kevin grinned, still slumped on Patrick's shoulder.
'But what if someone HAD walked in?' Patrick couldn't resist pressing the issue.
Kevin sighed and finally turned to lean against the wall next to Patrick.
'I watched them all leave'
'Wow. Ok. So you were...planning this? You weren't really interested in the module?' The penny had finally dropped.
'I couldn't give a fuck about the module, Patrick' Kevin chuckled. 'But no, I wasn't planning it. Just that at some point during the meeting I realized that I wanted you, so I waited.'
'Oh. Thats nice. I think.' It was nice. It was...really nice. Too fucking nice. 'I better at least bring a spare t-shirt for when the mood strikes you.' Patrick joked, trying to lighten the sentimental mood he was falling into.
'Or you' Kevin bumped Patrick's shoulder. Patrick grinned as the very notion of jumping Kevin suddenly seemed delightful.
'Oh yeah. So I can jump you if I want to too!'
'I think that's how it works' Kevin laughed. They looked at each other silently, smiling, for a few seconds. Kevin pulled his clean t-shirt off and offered it to Patrick. Patrick raised a questioning eyebrow before taking it.
'I've got a sweater in the office I can wear' Kevin explained.
'I guess there's a practical side to all this that I'd never considered before.' Patrick said, feeling suddenly a little bemused, beginning to pull himself together.
'You're ok, though?' Kevin asked, sounding anxious, genuinely worried.
Patrick turned to him and smiled.
'I'm fucking great. Best end to a status meeting EVER.' He couldn't resist. He leaned in and gave Kevin a brief kiss, and it was sweet. So sweet to kiss him. As if he had the right to.
From that moment on, Patrick's body had been on some sort of sexual high alert, always on the ready for anything it might be called on to do. Even though Kevin had only jumped him once more since then, dragging him into the break room one early morning, pushing him against the door this time, and dropping to his knees, swallowing him fucking whole until Patrick thought he was going to lose his mind. Fuck...he was good at this. Patrick hadn't lasted long, and they'd both come again on his chest, with Kevin's tongue deep in his mouth, kissing the fucking shit out of him. Thank god he had thought to bring a bag with a change of clothes and 'supplies' which he kept in his drawer, though frankly now every time he looked at his desk all he could think of were the things that were hidden, to enable him to have sex with Kevin.
And they had actually only done that once since the first night on the office floor. And Patrick was perversely proud that he was the one this time who had initiated it. Kevin had basically given him permission to jump him whenever he wanted, and so, Patrick did. Just once. Because it still felt like it was being too demanding. Was he really the kind of man that could ask his boss, who had a boyfriend, to fuck him? And yet that's exactly what he did. And it had felt fucking amazing.
Patrick needed to know that that first time in the office wasn't a fluke. That he really did finally enjoy being fucked, that it wasn't just the thrill of the illicit, or being unexpectedly carried away by the shock of the whole situation. So he planned this. He had the supplies. He waited for the opportunity, and then he had lured Kevin into the store room and demanded that Kevin fuck him. Which he did. Thoroughly. Deliciously. Quite...excellently. And apparently it wasn't a fluke. Patrick fucking loved it. He actually loved being fucked. Being filled. That feeling of possession. That rubbing of his p-spot...magic. He had moaned and panted and gasped as Kevin fucked and fucked and fucked, and he had felt his head would explode with all the sensations, and he heard himself beg Kevin to never stop, to go faster, deeper, to just do it more and more and more...and then he'd fucking come all over himself AGAIN.
As Kevin had collapsed onto Patrick, groaning through his own orgasm, Patrick had wrapped his arms around Kevin and held him close, burying his head into Kevin's shoulder, his senses flooded by the sound of Kevin's heavy breathing, the smell of his fresh sweat and light tangy deodorant, the taste of Kevin's skin, his lips, his tongue still on Patrick's lips, and he'd felt...overwhelmed. This was...big. And it couldn't be. He had to remember what this was. Even if he didn't really know what it was. At least he knew what it wasn't.
Kevin eventually rolled off him and turned to grin at Patrick, a look of satisfaction, satiation, on his face. That look could get addictive. So to remind himself why it wasn't allowed to, he'd asked a simple question.
'How's Jon been coping with the move from Seattle? Is he fully settled in yet?' Patrick had tried to keep his voice casual, like one friend simply asking another how their boyfriend was doing these days. Kevin had hesitated a very, very long time before he started to answer. And Patrick's timely reminder to himself was successful.
'Well...' Kevin had started.
'I'm sorry...you don't have to talk about him. That was stupid of me' Patrick had rushed in. Mission having been accomplished he didn't really want to hear about Jon with his own cum drying on his chest, having been fucked by Jon's boyfriend.
'No, it's not that I don't want to talk about him,' Kevin had continued. Great.
'It's just that, well, it's still early days but he's not loving it. He's having a bit of a hard time adjusting and it makes things a little...tense.'
'It must have been hard for him to leave everything behind' Patrick forced himself to respond.
'Well yeah, it can be hard. Though, it didn't take me that long to adjust when I moved from England, and San Francisco is hardly some isolated outpost in the fucking Midwest' Kevin had replied, sounding surprisingly bitter. Patrick found that...fascinating.
'So, things are...difficult between you?' He ventured cautiously.
'We are having...some problems, yes. Listen, I don't want you to think that...' Kevin had started.
'Don't worry.' Patrick hastily interrupted. 'I told you I don't expect anything. I didn't mean to pry.'. Jesus. He couldn't handle Kevin telling him not to get his hopes up, not to read anything into their difficulties. That would be excruciatingly embarrassing. So he'd changed the subject to the first thing he could think of, which was Agustin and the trouble he was in, to Dom and his new relationship with Lin, about Dom and his growing conviction that they needed to do something about it, stage some sort of intervention...
Which was finally scheduled for this weekend. The Intervention Weekend as Patrick was coming to think of it. Not just for Agustin, but for himself too. He was finally ready to make the decision to end this thing that was happening before it went any further. And honestly, he didn't even know if Kevin would really care. His inscrutable British lover. Who could go for days without touching him or kissing him. Who could talk to him so casually in front of everyone as if nothing was different when EVERYTHING had changed for Patrick. Who had never said another word about how much he was thinking of Patrick, or how much he wanted him, or how much he...needed him. Would he care if Patrick casually told him he didn't want to hook up again? Would he just feel relief? Was he bothered about Patrick at all anymore? Might he even turn Patrick down if Patrick asked him for a quick farewell fuck?
Patrick's office phone rang, snapping him out of his self-pity spiral. It was Kevin, calling him into his office. Patrick steeled himself as he climbed the steps to his office. It was probably about the project. It usually was.
'Hey. You needed me?' Patrick asked as he walked in.
'Err...no. Just...wanted to say hello.' Kevin answered, chewing his bottom lip. Well, that was a little strange.
'Oh...ok. Well...Hi. Everything OK?' Patrick felt awkward.
'Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine.' Kevin answered, smiling. Okay. This was obviously NOT a booty call since it was the middle of they day and the office was full with other people. So, what was it?
'Listen...Jon's working on Saturday...do you want to maybe...see a movie or something?' Kevin asked casually, and Patrick's stupid heart thumped. Now? Really? When he had just decided...but no. This didn't make any difference. This wasn't a declaration of any kind. If anything, it showed that Kevin wasn't really focused on him at all.
'Oh. Did you forget? I took the day off tomorrow. I'm going up to the Russian River with my friends. Coming back Sunday?' Patrick reminded him. Obviously the fact that he was going away hadn't really registered with Kevin before. And why should it. They were just occasional fuck-buddies after all, Patrick thought bitterly.
'Oh...right...I did forget. Sorry. Yeah, your friend's boyfriend's cabin or something.'
'Yeah. Not sure what it will be like but...we just wanted to get away for a few days. You know. Agustin's been pretty much off the rails and we thought a weekend away, we might be able to help get him sober. Maybe.' And there he was, rambling again. Never calm and collected. Never cool. Always fucking flustered and unable to stand any level of awkwardness without rushing to smooth it over.
'That's nice. Hope it works for him.' Kevin nodded. Then, strangely, he continued to press the issue. 'Did you want to stay late tonight? I could change some plans and maybe we could just...hang out?'
A last hookup? A farewell fuck? Was Patrick up for that. His body fucking was. Just at the thought he was fully sprung to attention. Shit...this was NOT what he needed. Not now. He needed to stay strong.
'Uhm...you know, I think I should go home early tonight. I need to pack and we are leaving really early tomorrow morning so...' Patrick trailed off weakly.
'Of course. Makes sense...You're sure you're ok though?' Kevin asked sweetly. He was a nice guy. Such a fucking nice guy. Patrick liked him so fucking much. And that was the fucking problem.
'Yeah. Everything's Ok.' Patrick answered quietly. He forced himself to smile, as he got up and walked out of Kevin's office. Don't you fucking cry you pussy he thought to himself as he walked down the steps to his desk. Don't you fucking cry...
This was the right time to end it. When no one was in too deep. When no one would get hurt. He just needed a weekend away to get his head straight, and it would be over.
And they would go back to being the way they were before. Flirty friends. With no benefits.
