Author's Note: No, this is NOT the author, little witch she is…this is Phoenix Redleaf, The One. Apparently, She's too busy to speak to you right now (having a test and eighteen assignments to complete), and saddled me with the arduous task. First of all, a few notices (I was forced into reading these, just to be perfectly clear). The author was using Her sister's profile to post this story, and is actually known as 'Stormtracer' (hence the name change). Ha, She wouldn't know an interesting name if it bit Her in the-

Oh right, no swearing. D. Ah well, onto to other 'news'. Apparently She saw the Narnia movie (main character was v. cute in my opinion, but everyone was sort of 'blah cheesy line blahblah blah…'. She told me to shut up, the sappy fool She is (She has loved that book since She was even more of a brat then now)).

Three of the CAFs (Crimson, Shadow and Charity's griffin) have been stolen from me already. Hey, I killed Charity so that means I get her stuff! Stormtracer said that 'Miriam' is merely an older form of Mary, which is sort of symbolic (the symbolism being that Huntress is an embodiment of the original idea of Mary-Sues, before they were 'glorified' whatever that means…)

Last and certainly least, the Christmas chapter should be out soon, and She wants opinions on what it should be about. Stormtracer has a few things 'planned', but would appreciate some feedback. I told Her She should ditch the 'Huntress' chick and just write an old-fashioned Mary-Sue (with me, of course!) but She didn't seem to like that idea. Oh well, at least I get to have a cool scene in this chapter…didn't She say something about avoiding spoilers? Ah well, who cares.

Someone Else- You reviewed twice without needing to! That makes me so happy! ...that didn't come out right…

Almenel- Ah, yes. How is Phoenix so powerful? Just keep reading :)

Aduro- I will, you can rest assured of that :)

Uruviel Helyanwe- My sister reviewed your story…without asking me…rolls eyes. Personally, I thought it was very good- but you may want to go through it again, just so you can take out a few clichés if you see any :) Try and find a few examples of Mary-Sues in PotC, just so you'll know what to avoid. Oh, and Charity is a special case – is she another 'Sue from the same story, or something else? You'll have to keep reading to find out :)

Catherine Rose- CAD? I'm afraid we don't have any of those hear…did you mean CAF? (and if you mean a CAF, you'll have to specify which one:))

glwbender90- I think it was a combination actually. Plus, the extreme emotions (fear, confusion) and stress she's been going through probably played a part nods.

The Moose song © someone I don't know, and have never met. It's been around forever though, so I'm pretty sure it's in the public doman. Tell me if it's otherwise :)

NOTE:

No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. But that might change… :)

Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)

Or TUM(P)

Chapter Seven: What in Arda is a 'Moose?'

"Miss me?"

"You should leave this place at once." Legolas said coldly.

"Leave us alone!" Pippin practically snarled.

"Ooooh," The 'Sue smirked, ignoring Pippin. "And I suppose you have more to back this up than just a runt and a dog?" She looked over at the glaring Huntress, who gritted her teeth.

Legolas himself was having a similar reaction to the insults, but managed to be much more composed then the teenager that stood beside him. He would not count Huntress as a 'friend' exactly, but…well…it's a complicated almost-friendship.

"Well, let's get on with it." Phoenix laughed. "It's quite obvious I have you at a disadvantage, and I intend to use it. Human, come forward."

"You will not touch her." Legolas replied.

"Now isn't this cute, a protective elven prince and a young brainless human girl." She chuckled. "Sounds quite familiar, doesn't it?"

Legolas glanced over at Huntress, who couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"I'm not a Mary-Sue." She murmured.

Phoenix rolled her eyes. "Isn't that what they all say? COME FORWARD." Huntress hesitantly did so.

"I was being courteous last time, giving you a chance to profess your eternal love for whomever you pleased before dying." Phoenix whispered into her ear, holding her sword up. "I pitied you, the less fortunate of fanfiction creations. Now I know that was a mistake, quite a grave mistake…"

Huntress looked up at her, eyes wide and full of fear. Phoenix notched an arrow, and then pointed it directly at her face.

"…one I intend to remedy."

An arrow nailed her right on the back of her head, and she slumped forward. Currently pinned to ground by the 'Sue, Huntress barely registered what had happened.

"Is…is she dead?" Pippin whispered. Legolas did not answer, an arrow strung and bow ready should she require another arrow.

There was the sound of muffled snickering, which turned to outright laughter. To Huntress's horror, the 'Sue gradually started to stand up.

Pulling the arrow out, Phoenix examined it with something akin to amusement.

"Any more resistance?"

Suddenly, another arrow (white, with trailing golden sparks) fixed itself in Phoenix's right arm, and the 'Sue screamed in pain. Huntress took that opportunity to escape, pulling herself out of Phoenix's arms and running as fast as she could.

"Thou must not harm OCs, for they are kin and should be treated as such."

A dazzling white light filled the small clearing. Legolas shielded his eyes and tried to get a glimpse at what was causing it, but the light only seemed to intensify until he was nearly blinded.

"Go away Celeste! You are not welcome here." Hissed Phoenix

"I am one of thy own kind, shunned and forsaken amidst this chaos. My purpose is the same, yet my mind is clearer." The light cleared, and the threesome could only stare.

She had a long-sleeved white dress with bell sleeves (how's that for redundancy?), and long whitish-goldish-silverish pwetty hair. Her eyes were all the colors of the rainbow and more, and her beauty was unsurpassed by any in the land.

Here name is Celeste Cereneserenemoonbeam, the light of the elves and blessed of her people. A position the author knows is already filled, but doesn't care.

Huntress narrowed her eyes. "The spelling and grammar seem better …and the writing style is…funny…"

"Most curious…" Legolas added.

"You are no kin of mine!" Phoenix screamed. "Your accursed mockery of fanfiction weakens our power! Leave me be, Parody-Sue!"

The threesome blinked. "Parody-Sue?"

"Yes, It is all true!" trilled Celeste dramatically. "I am but a simple Parody-Sue with a tragic past, eternal youth and pwettiness and a loving, loyal Cute Animal Friend!" She gestured to the winged unicorn behind her.

There was a pause. Crickets chirped. Huntress coughed.

"You may have won this time, but- Urk!" Phoenix's arm had started to melt where Celeste's arrow had struck. Phoenix moved away into the forest, hoping to save some grace.

"You haven't seen the last of- Ow, that hurts!"

"Please forgive her," Celeste apologized. "She's never been much of a people person."

"Who…who's side are you on?" Pippin asked, voicing the unanimous question.

Celeste smiled timidly. "Thou already knows. Now I do not know about thy, but I would rather not see that young lady bleed to death."

Indeed, Phoenix's sword had left a nasty cut on Huntress's neck.

"Lady? I do not see a lady here…" Legolas smiled. Huntress made an offended sound. Celeste gestured at the girl to follow her behind a patch of trees, and Huntress doubtfully followed.

"Are you sure we can trust her?" Pippin didn't look convinced.

"Yes."

"How do you know that?"

Legolas's smile faded, and he sighed. "I do not know…but I am sure of it." Pippin still looked sceptical.

"We must be really out of character…"

---

Once Upon a Time, there lived a girl. This girl was a beauty beyond compare, with long chocolate locks and forest green eyes. She was also-

Oops, wrong story.

And so we go back to our…well, they certainly aren't heroes. Huntress was hiding behind a tree, Legolas and Pippin looked stunned and Celeste was sewing.

There was obviously a very interesting story behind this.

"Did you have to pull my shirt off like that?"

Celeste didn't turn in the direction of her voice, focusing on the simple task before her. "Yes, I can not have thy going around with a split shirt. It would not be proper."

"Proper? Don't you lecture me on what's proper!"

"Thy would have rejected my help if I had not, because thou would have ended up in the same spot as now. At least I had the decency to take it off when they weren't looking." Celeste said simply.

"I could've taken it off behind the trees and then thrown it to you!"

"…"

"Ha! I knew it!"

"…cursed knot…"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Nay."

Huntress growled, and then started banging her head repeatedly on a tree.

"…Could thou stop that?" Celeste asked softly.

"Why?"

"It is giving me a dreadful headache…who knows, my hand may slip…"

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

Huntress scowled.

"There, all done." The Parody-Sue said quietly, before holding it up and examining her work.

"Could you give it to me now?" Huntress said impatiently.

"No, I will not. Thou should not insult someone who has helped thy."

"Oh, shove off!" Huntress reached managed to grab the shirt quickly slipped on her shirt behind the tree (which was awkward).

"So, we can go now…where are we going anyway?"

Snapping out it, Legolas simply replied. "We are tracking the Phoenix."

Huntress blinked. "Oh, right…I knew that."

"I didn't." Pippin sighed.

---

And so they walked; and walked; and just for a change- they walked some more. You can tell the author is getting bored.

Unfortunately, Huntress had an attention span equal to her creator. And as many campers can say; when bored one usually lapses into a silly song.

"There was a Moose, who liked to drink a lot of juice…His name was Fred, he liked to drink his juice in bed-"

"What in Arda's name in a 'Moose'?" Legolas asked, baffled.

"It's…uh…a deer, a really big deer with huge antlers. There are loads where I come from, though I can't say I've ever actually seen one."

"Ah." When in doubt, agree with everything the other person says.

"He drank his juice with care, but he spilt it on his hair…"

Legolas covered his ears, reflecting on how this was going to be one long journey.

And journey they did. Over rolling hills-

"Oww! My ankle!"

-And through deep grass-

"Aie! Something bit me!"

-Through dark forests-

"Itchy…so very itchy…oh, I just walked through some poison Ivy, that's why…"

-And into beehives-

"Yah! LEGOLAS!"

"By Eru, do you have to injure yourself every ten seconds Huntress!"

-Until Pippin finally asked the All Important Questions.

"Why is there so much uncanonical scenery?"

"Probably the 'Sues fault, or the authoress…es…is."

The authoress did not dignify that with a response of any kind.

"Are you sure we're heading the right way Legolas?"

"Of course we are!" He snapped. Having someone singing camp songs in your ear for hours upon hours does that to you.

"Shouldn't thou ask directions?" Celeste replied timidly, having mostly hung back for most of the conversations.

"I don't need to ask for directions!"

"Legolas, you're being uncanonical." Huntress snickered

He was silent.

"That's one way to keep him quiet." Huntress sounded satisfied. "Well, judging by the conjunctions and bratty demeanour, I'd say we aren't that far off course."

"Huntress, you are acting like a Mary-Sue." Pippin smiled.

She was silent.

"That's one way to keep her quiet…" Pippin mused.

---

Made this one a bit longer then usual, and if I had more time I would've made it longer. I know it's boring towards the end, but I'm sick, so…yeah. Had to let Phoenix take over the first part.

So, as always, review. It makes me happy, and considering how it'll be a miracle if I get through half the stuff I'm supposed this week AND get over this cold….well, let's just say I could use it :)