Chapter 07: Cuts That Dig Deep

Feliciano was out of the hospital a couple of weeks later. He was different. He felt different. And not in a good way. He had lost a bit of weight, which Feliks had put down to a high metabolism. Lovino couldn't help but note a tinge of jealousy in his voice. But Lovino didn't think much of it. Everyone knew the blonde was conscious about his weight, after all. School was different for both Italians. People avoided eye contact, would stop trying to partner up with them. Feliciano's once large circle of friends was now reduced to just Kiku and Ludwig. Out of a grudging thankfulness, Lovino had stopped calling Ludwig a potato bastard, which had shocked more than just the German.

Lovino kept to himself, but Antonio often tried to break through the self imposed barrier. Their Art class were also friendly. Matthew would make a point to say hello and ask them how they were doing (sometimes they noticed). Nataliya would pass a quick, brief smile at Feliciano every now and then, and even Ivan would come over and ask how they were. Feliks and Maia tried their best as well, and Lovino couldn't help but notice that out of all four of them on their table, Maia was the only one returning Nataliya's smiles. "She isn't smiling at you," he mutters, and she nods. "Yeah...I know," she says quietly, and then doesn't press the issue.

School seemed to be settling back to normal. But Lovino's life didn't. His grandfather got sick suddenly, and had to go into hospital, leaving Lovino and Feliciano alone. Feliciano was often at Kiku or Ludwig's house, leaving Lovino dangerously alone. Oh, he'd try to distract himself, try to be good. He'd do his homework, tidy up (Feliciano was wondering why Lovino was so eager to clean these days), make elaborate pasta dishes for meals. But sooner or later he ended up cutting. The deepest was about half a centimetre deep, as a result of his guilt when Feliciano told him about what people were now calling him at school.

He fingers the long gash running up his thigh. His brother was called a freak, an emo, told him to go slash his wrists. They threw things at him, shouted and swore. One kid went up to him with a rope and told him to hang himself. That day, his brother went home in tears. Lovino handles the blade carefully. Today the cause was not guilt, but anger. He was angry that people didn't see what they should. Did nobody notice the bruises that Alfred seemed to miraculously gain overnight? Oh sure, he had excuses if you asked, but Lovino didn't buy them. And the scale was large. It went from serious things to minor things. Nataliya and Maia, for example. How could he have not noticed?

A slice across his leg. Blood trickles down his thigh. "Fuck," he mutters, catching it with a tissue. He hadn't meant to annoy her. He hadn't intended to insult her. It was a simple thing - he had said, "I'm not even sure if bisexuality exists." And Maia had glared at him. "Excuse me, but I'm bisexual. Are you saying I don't exist?" It was luck of the draw. She was in one of those moods. Had it been any other time, he might have got away with it. But she had to make a scene. So he ran, angry and upset. It explained a lot. He had sort of assumed she was straight, but there was the smiles at Nataliya...the offer of sitting with them at lunch the other day. It was subtle, but it was things she'd never do otherwise.

Not to mention, Tyler had been spreading those rumours...apparently they were true.

And now he had insulted her. Another slice. The door opens and he panics. "Hey, Lovi. I know you're in here." What the hell was she doing here?! "This is the men's toilets!" he yells, "what the fuck are you doing here?!" Maia doesn't seem to hear. If she does, she doesn't care. "Look, I shouldn't have made a scene. I'm sorry." Why was she apologising? He cuts across his skin again, making the slightest of noises. A pause. "Lovino, what are you doing?" He takes a sharp intake of breath. Did she know...? "Lovino, open the door, please." "No fucking way!" She was stupid if she thought he would, "get out! You shouldn't fucking be here!" He could hear her swearing under her breath now as well.

Then they hear someone yelling. "Suicidal freak! Go die!" It was followed by a familiar sobbing that tugged at Lovino's heart. "Shit..." Maia leaves, and Lovino then hears, "get back here you little bastards!" Well then, they were in trouble. Maia wasn't strong usually, but she could punch hard if she was angry enough, and she was a bit scary when angry as well. She'd fly off the rails. It freaked Lovino out, not that he'd dare say so to anyone. He sighs, stopping the bleeding then pulling his pants up. He didn't want anyone else to realise something was up. Though Maia would probably forget it - she had the memory of a goldfish. Lovino smirks. Her annoying qualities were now useful qualities.

But as he looks in a mirror he thinks. He hated this, yes, but he couldn't stop. In fact, did he really want to stop? Maybe not. But maybe he did. Maybe he hated the scars, hated the need, hated the pain and secrets and lies. He wanted to forget about it. To stop, never do it again. But he couldn't. He needed it. He was dependent on it. Without it, he was certain that he'd go off the deep end and do something stupid like his brother. And he didn't want to die. He just wanted to cope with life. What had started as small pinches to cope with Gilbert's death was now deep cuts, an obsessive need that he had to fulfil on an almost daily basis.

He hated it.

AN: Bleugh...don't like this chapter. I think it went ok though.

With the last bit, I was trying to get across Maia's more annoying parts. Everyone has good and bad parts to them. One of her bad parts is her short term memory:

Goldfish memory...

Goldfish 1: Oooh look, a castle.

Goldfish 2: What's a castle?

Goldfish 1: Dunno, why d'ya ask?

Goldfish 2: Ask what?

Goldfish 1: Hey look, a castle.

Random joke. Hope it amused you. I'll end now.