The sky was on fire as I drove home. The blazing orange clouds drifted in wisps across the sky and I wanted to take a picture, but i knew it wouldn't do it justice. It was Sunday, meaning tomorrow would be another stressful day at Ravenwood, and all I wanted to do was lay down in bed and just stare the ceiling in silence. I blamed Michael and Daisy for it.
Daisy is my mom's best friend. They've been inseparable since the fourth grade, when Daisy moved to Whitfield. They were total opposites. Mom was the cool and collected one. She had ambitions; she knew what she wanted and she did everything to get where she was now. She was sensible. Poised, elegant, and sophisticated. Daisy was the party girl. She never knew what she wanted. Instead of deciding on what she wanted to do in life, she let life take her by the hands and direct her where to go, much like the Green Day song. She was reckless and cared more about having fun than she did about her responsibilities. They were so different, so much contrast between the two, but they loved each other like best friends and fought like sisters.
I helped Daisy pack up her stuff today after breakfast with Michael. She had ended yet another relationship with a great guy because she "wasn't feeling it", so she had me go to their apartment with her to pack up her things. As I placed her things in boxes, she noticed that I was lost in thought. She accused me of being stressed and started on her rant on how my mother should let me be a regular teenage girl and go to a school that doesn't set me up to fail. I wanted to tell her that every high school would set me up to fail, but I didn't. I finally lied to her and said that it was Ravenwood that was stressing me out, but it was nothing I couldn't handle.
My phone rang, but I promised my brother that I wouldn't even look at my phone when I drive because I suck at driving even when I'm focused, so how could I possibly drive when I'm worried about my phone? I glance at it to see Tommy calling me, and I sigh. I park in my driveway and pick up my phone.
"Vi, come over when you get this," Tommy's voicemail said. Then, in a hushed tone he added, "Alex is here, so please come."
I head straight for the back yard where I scale the wall and jump into Tommy's backyard. I can see a few cars parked in the driveway and hope that there aren't very many people here. My social skills were still healing from Friday.
"Violet!" I close the patio door and turn to see Alex. He has a glass, filled with ice, in his hand and a pitcher of tea in the other. His smile is bright, just like it always is when he sees me. I take in a deep breath at the sharp feeling of happiness that has my insides ready to burst. He sets the glass and pitcher down as I walk closer to him and I'm surprised that he hold his arms open. I shyly smile and step into the embrace, relishing the warmth he brings me. "I didn't know you were coming," he says, and I know it's a lie. I'm sure that he told Tommy to tell me to come here, but the lie was nice and cute.
"Yeah, I thought I'd stop by for a while. I've got a bit of a headache though," I said gesturing to my head. It was almost a lie. My head was beginning to hurt, another one of my frequent headaches, but it wasn't too bad at the moment. However if my social skills didn't work out tonight, my head would hurt just like it always did.
"Oh, well everyone's in there," he said pointing to the other room. "Do you want something to drink?"
I shook my head and began to walk towards the door. Should I wait for him? Would that be weird or was I suppose to do that? I didn't know, so I left before I could over think anything else. No one noticed me at first, which did not surprise me. Tommy's back was to me and the people leaning forward in anticipation as they gathered around the couch to hang onto Tommy's story were strangers to me. A few faces seemed familiar, but the names, if I ever knew them, had faded a while ago.
A girl with hair so blonde it was nearly white and pale porcelain skin smiled and gave me a small wave. I couldn't think of her name, but I had seen her many times around time. She worked at the local grocery store and was always giving me secret looks that showed her disdain at other customers. She always smiled afterwards as if we shared a joke. She was nice, so when she patted the empty spot next to her, I moved to sit next to her. My hand brushed Tommy's shoulder, letting him know I was here, and as he paused his story to smile and say hi, everyone's eyes were on me. It was a brief few moments, but I enjoyed it. I smiled at nothing in particular as I sat next to the porcelain girl and everyone's eyes went back to Tommy as I made myself comfortable.
The porcelain girl nudged my shoulder and then went back to listening intently to the story.
"Then Alex here," Tommy twisted his body around to gestured to Alex who came into the room from the kitchen, "starts shouting for me to drive, so I hit the gas and he jumps in through the window while the lady starts throwing her groceries at us!"
Everyone erupts into laughter, but I'm totally lost. The event sounded more dangerous than it did funny. I laugh anyways as Alex walks towards me. Porcelain girl scoots away from me and then Alex is moving to sit on the small space next to me. There's really no room for him on the couch, but I'm forced to scoot closer to the girl. His left leg is flush with mine and our arms are awkwardly touching until he puts his arm around me. I was so close to him and I guess that most girls in my situation would lean into Alex and do something cute and flirtatious. I, on the other hand, was uncomfortable. I stiffened and I wanted to relax, but I couldn't. I kept thinking that if I moved, he would notice it and it would be weird. I don't know. I was over thinking and I couldn't stop.
"Violet," Tommy called. My eyes widen as I focused on him and he smiles, but I can tell that he knows I'm uncomfortable. He made it worse by pulling everyone's attention to me. "Remember last Halloween when we went by the pond and found Mr. Keeton with his twenty-seven year old girl friend?" A few people gaspedat the mention of their scandalous history teacher.
I smiled a small smile, and nodded. "W-we shined the head lights on them and jumped up so fast."
Tommy took over the story, thankfully, and everyone shifted their attention away from me. Eveyone, but Alex.
"Are you okay?" He asked. That smile stayed in place. Did he ever frown?
"Yeah, " I said quietly. "Just my head."
He nodded and looked amused at something. "I like you, Violet." Although I imagined someone saying these words, or even 'I love you', at some profound setting, like during a sunset or after an awesome date. Alex said them in a room full of people while I felt like shit.
"Really?" I asked. I felt like leaving, but I wanted to talk to Alex more.
"Yeah, you're cute and nice. A little awkward, but I like you."
I didn't say anything for minute as I analyzed his words. I was awkward, but he still liked me despite that. Why couldn't he like my awkwardness instead liking everything else and looking past that? Maybe I'm about to start my period. I'm not usually this sensitive, I dont think so anyways.
"I like you too, Alex." I frowned and rubbed my temples. A migraine made it's way up to the front of my head and it was pounding harder and faster the longer i sat here. I needed to not think, to turn my brain off for the night. "I really do, but I have to go. "
Tommy finished his story and everyone erupted into fits of laughter. I stood up as everyone made their comments. I caught Tommy's eye and saw that he was frowning at me, but I made my way to the kitchen, ignoring him.
"Are sure you're okay?" Alex stopped me before I could leave. He seemed concerned, but I didn't want to deal with him.
I shook my head. "My head really hurts." I wasn't lying, but even if it didn't hurt I would have faked it. "I just have to lie down."
"Do you want me to walk you home?"
"No, that's okay." I want to get away from him, not have him follow me home. "Bye, Alex."
He finally let me leave and I trudged through Tommy's backyard like I'd done a million times. I climbed the wall quickly with no actual reason to need to hurry and stumbled through my window. I was breathing heavily and I went straight to my radio and pressed play knowing that one of my many mix CD's were in it. A loud song by Fall Out Ball came on and the song matched my mood. I had to be about to start my period, it was the only explanation for my sudden anger. I striped my clothes and locked my door in case my brother decided to make a surprise visit although I doubted it because Lauren had finally agreed to see him again.
I sat at the foot of the bed focusing on my sudden emotions and thinking about how much I hated myself. Why wasn't I blessed with social skills? Or looks to kill? Or some talent that made me interesting? I was nothing. I was barely good at school, but who looks at that and thinks that's an admirable quality? It only really counted if you were smart and had some talent. At Whitfield High it was considered great if you were good at school and sports. If you didn't play any sports, you better be good at singing or something.
I wish I could do something! I wish i wasn't Violet. I closed my eyes and laid back onto my unmade bed with my legs dangling off the edge, wondering where these thoughts came from. Rachel Dawson. That who I wanted to be like. She went to school with Tommy and everyone wanted to be her. She was skinny, smart, athletic. She was short, but not too short. He hair was long and dirty blond color and her clear skin seemed to always be tan.
I hate myself.
Suddenly my music shut off and my eyes opened immediately to find Michael with a hand on the speaker. The music was too loud to hear him come in. He dropped his hand and we stared at each other for a while. He could tell something was off. Maybe because I wasn't smiling like an idiot at him or I hadn't bothered to say hi.
"What's with the angry music?" His voice rang out through my room, the sound echoing somehow.
I shrugged and turned away. I was in just a bra and panties, so I moved my back to the headboard and covered myself.
"Sorry," he said and I stared at him again. "For coming in here like this."
He gesture around the room and at my obvious lack of clothing, his cheeks turing pink. The pink looked adorable with his red hair.
"I was worried, Vi." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and waited for him to go on. "I saw you leaving Tommy's and you looked so pissed off. I don't know you very well, but you don't seem like the type to get so mad so I was wondering what happened?"
"Sorry to disappoint you," I said.
Now it was Michael who seemed confused, a crease forming between his eyes. "You're allowed to be angry, Violet. I didn't mean that you couldn't be. I just want to know what's going on." He shrugged, and seemed embarrassed although he had no reason to be. I felt myself soften for a moment and I screwed my eyes shut, choosing not to look at him as i spoke.
"Do you ever just want to be someone else?" I asked quietly.
He was silent, but I refused to look at him. I heard him shuffle around and then there was a dip in the bed and his cold hand gripped mine.
"What's going on, Violet?"
"I don't know," I whispered, my eyes wanted to flutter open, but I kept them closed. "God, I don't know. Suddenly I'm so aware that I'm not enough. I'm not special like everyone else. I have no talents. I can't even carry on a god damn conversation. I'm useless, I'm nothing. All I can do is wish to be someone else, but that'll never happen."
Michael's grip on my hand was so tight and I finally looked at him. He stared at my hand and I wondered why he looked so pained. I turned my head and stared at my bedroom door. It was plain like me.
"You," he started, but stopped to clear his throat. He spoke slowly with his voice low, but soon he was gaining momentum. "You are not nothing, Violet. I don't know what else to say to make you believe it, but I mean it. I don't give a shit if you can't sing or dance or if you stutter and have awkward long pauses when when you talk. Who cares? Who told you that you are less than anyone else because you get so nervous around people? You're not. You're not nothing. You're everything even if you're just everything to me."
I glanced over at him and he was looking at me intently, waiting for my eyes to meet his. The sun was gone and the only light was from the lamp beside me. It illuminated his green eyes and red lips perfectly.
I nodded because I was at a loss of words. What was I suppose to say? That I believed him? I didn't. I appreciated everything he said; it lifted a weight off me but not all of it. I just wasn't sure if being everything to him was enough when there was so much out there in the world. How could I matter?
I looked at him, his expression blank and he seemed a world away from me. He was focused on my face, but he was lost in thought.
He raised his hands up to my face, one on either cheek, and didn't look away except to glance down at my lips. He wasn't going to...? "Can I...?" His low voice trailed off and he looked away from my eyes to look at my lips. I nodded slightly in his hands. Everything was slow motion. My breath caught in my chest and I wondered if I would suffocate. My chest was tight and I glanced down to his barely parted lips. The sight of him slowly leaning into me was overwhelming. I closed my eyes and it seemed like forever before his lips brushed mine and then were pressed firmly against mine.
He pulled away and I knew he was looking at me, but I kept my eyes cast down and refrained from bringing my finger tips to touch my tingling lips.
I finally smiled, able to breath even though he was still so close to me, and he released a sigh. He pulled away from me and stood up from the bed. His hands undid his belt and i gasped. "What are you doing?"
"Relax. If you get to be half naked while we sleep, then so do I. Sleepig in jeans is not exactly comfortable."
I didn't stop him although the idea of being pressed against him without much of a barrier between us both frightened and excited me.
