Mario was calmly sitting under a tree in Gelato Beach. Suddenly, on odd character sprinted up. He appeared to be a tan man dressed as a Pianta (he wore a silly mask and gloves).

"Ha ha ha!" he laughed in a nasal voice. "I am the wonderful Il Paintissamo! You and I will race to that flag!" Paintissamo pointed to a flag stuck in the local juice bar.

"But I don't want to..." started Mario.

"GO!" Ignoring Mario, Il Paintissamo took off running towards the flag.

"Do you think we should race, Mario?" asked FLUDD.

Mario shrugged. "Sure, why not? But who IS that guy?" Mario switched FLUDD to the turbo nozzle and started chasing Paintissamo. "This is gonna be too easy!" he laughed.

Meanwhile, Paintissamo was taking a shortcut, using high wires that hung over the beach, ready to jump down to the juice bar when he got close enough. "I'll take the high road and you take the low r---WHAT!"

Mario was almost at the juice bar, approaching at lighting speed! Not wanting to lose, Paintissamo made a leap off the wire towards the flag...!

Meanwhile, Mario managed to get there first, and touched the flag. "Finished! Hey, where is that guy?"

Paintissamo came falling in but misjudged his landing, as instead of making it to the flag where Mario was, he landed right in the bar's oversized juicer on the room. He gave a humorous screech of pain, and fell in the ocean.

"What is that device on your back?" he asked, swimming to the surface.

"The is FLUDD, the Flash-liquid-whatever," explained Mario.

Paintissamo got angry. "You cheated, using your Flash-liquid-whatever! I demand a rematch!"

"No time," said Mario, "I gotta go."

Paintissamo jumped in front of Mario and spread his arms apart. "No! I...I won't let you leave!"

Without blinking, Mario used the turbo to blast himself away across the ocean. Paintissamo stayed at the beach. Angrily, he drew a picture of Mario's head in the sand and stomped on it. "I will have revenge!"

It was sunset. Toad was taking a stroll down the plaza when a purple blur raced at him. It was Il Paintissamo, who ran around Toad in circles until the poor mushroom fell over, dizzy.

"Where is Mario?" demanded Paintissamo.

Toad walked around in a daze. "Why is the island caught in a whirlpool?"

Paintissamo punched Toad, which didn't help. "And now we're in space..." he said with a weak confused smile. "...look at the colors..."

Paintissamo had enough and threw some water on Toad, who snapped back to normal. "That was weird."

"WHERE IS MARIO!" screamed Paintissamo.

"He and Peach checked into Hotel Delfino!" Toad finally said.

Paintissamo started running towards the hotel. Suddenly, he ran back, punched Toad again, and then headed for the hotel.

Meanwhile, Mario and Peach were checking in at the front desk. "Just me and you, Peach...and FLUDD.

"Don't mind me," said FLUDD. "I'll just turn myself off."

Paintissamo was watching from the doorway. He jumped out at them, dressed as a worker. "I am here to assist you! Come! We will race to your room!"

"What?"

Paintissamo was already running up the stairs. Mario turned FLUDD back on, and set it on rocket. Calmly, he blasted himself up two flights to his room before Paintissamo even reached the door.

"You cheated..." panted Paintissamo, "again!"

Mario stared. "Again?" he suddenly realized where he had seen Paintissamo. "Wait, are you that creepy guy from the beach?"

"No!" cried Paintissamo. "I am not who you speak of!...and I still have cuts from that juicer, I might add! CRETIN!" Paintissamo ran into a random room and jumped out the window.

"That man frightens me," remarked FLUDD.

That night, Mario and Peach slept. FLUDD lay in the corner. Paintissamo managed to pick the door's lock and snuck into the room. "Now you are MY water pump!" he whispered with a crazy smile.

Paintissamo grabbed FLUDD and turbo'ed himself out the window. Mario woke up, upon hearing the glass break. "Peach...it's that crazy guy from before! And he has FLUDD!"

Mario looked out the window. Paintissamo was happily zooming all around the beach with the turbo nozzle. "Yes! YES!" he cheered. "The power of the water pump is now mine!"

Using FLUDD to the max, he actually ran up the side of the hotel and was soon literally walking on air. "Fear me! I am now king of the island with this pump! King!"

Soon he was but a speck in the air, and the island was but a speck below him. Suddenly, the water stopped spraying.

"What just happened?" asked Paintissamo.

"I appear to be out of water."

Paintissamo fell down to the beach and made a huge imprint in the sand. Mario looks in.

"Why me...why me?" moaned the crazed racer weakly from the pit. "Is this the end of Paintissamo?"

"Mr. Il Paintissamo?" called Mario. "Why did you take FLUDD?"

Regaining his strength, Paintissamo leapt out of the hole. "This is all your fault! I know you're behind what just happened! I know it! I...I...I challenge you to a race across the island! We start here! Then, we race to Corona Mountain!"

"You're on, Paintissamo! Does it matter on the route we take?"

"It matters not! But you are not allowed to use your Flash-liquid-whatever! On your mark...get set...GO!"

Paintissamo took off running. Mario hopped into a boat and slowly started rowing towards Pinna Park. Meanwhile, Paintissamo ran through Gelato Beach as fat as he could. Suddenly, a Cataquak flipped him into the air. He flew up into the Bianco Hills. Mario, on the other hand, was just reaching Pinna Park and leisurely drifting across the beach. Paintissamo was already in Delfino Plaza, and heading towards the volcano.

"There it is!" he said, nearly out of breath. "And with no Mario or water pump in sight!"

Mario had just gotten to Pinna Park's cannon. He got in and shot himself at Corona Mountain, reaching it just before Paintissamo did.

"But...but...HOW! How did you do that?"

"Pretty easily," smiled Mario. "I just used a cannon."

"A cannon," murmured Paintissamo in the softest voice he'd ever used. "A cannon. A cannon? A CANNON! You cheated me!"

"I never did!" defended Mario. "The only rule was that you couldn't use a Flash-liquid-whatever."

Paintissamo exploded on the plumber. "AAAHHH! You are a disgrace! You are awful, stupid, and...awful!"

"Why?"

"Anyone who can beat me at things is awful, stupid, and...awful!"

Bowser Koopa stomped out of the volcano. "Hey, idiots!" thundered the Koopa King. "I'm trying to sleep!"

"You DARE to insult me, you moronic moron!" Paintissamo shot back.

Bowser wasn't used to being insulted. "MORONIC MORON!" With his huge claw, he grabbed Paintissamo and threw the little man over the volcano towards Pianta Village. "What a freak. Hope he likes Pinta Village."

"But that place is built over a huge pit leading to who knows where?" cried Mario. "He could have fallen in! I've got to get there in time!"

FLUDD flew over, using his hover nozzle. "Mario! Use my turbo jets to get there!"

Mario did just that and ran over the volcano to the Village.

"I could have killed him," realized Bowser. "I missed my chance! Koopalings! Wake up!"

Roy Koopa angrily stomped out. "Who woke me?" he growled. "I'll pound him!"

"Shut up or I'll pound you!" roared Bowser. "Oh, forget the kids! I'm taking on Mario myself! Where's the Clown Copter!"

Mario dashed into Pinta Village to find Il Paintissamo dangling over a the huge dark pit. He was holding onto a huge leaf on an even bigger tree.

"Paintissamo!" called Mario, running up the tree's trunk. "Let me pull you up!"

"Never!" replied Paintissamo, who began to struggle up. "I will not let myself be saved by a person who is awful, stupid, and...awful and his stupid Flash-liquid-whatever!"

"But you might not survive falling down there!" insisted Mario.

Paintissamo stopped struggling. "Oh, you doubt me? Well, then..." he let go, falling through the air into the pit. "I'll show you!" he called up. "I'll be back, Mario! You have not seen the last of Il Paintissamo!" His voice faded as he disappeared into the blackness.

Mario stared in shock. "Um...well...he was annoying, anyway."

Bowser flew up behind him in the Clown Copter. "You are, too! You're about to die a flaming death, plumber!"

Mario hid behind a huge tree and emptied FLUDD's water. "What are you doing?" cried FLUDD.

"I have a plan!" Mario switched FLUDD to "gas mode." Bowser climbed out of the Copter and stomped towards Mario. "It's like I always tell my kids! All you have to do to destroy someone is to breath a little bit of fire on them!"

Bowser started breathing fire. Mario sprayed FLUDD's gas at him, making the flames bigger. The fire spreaded towards Bowser, who stomped most of it out. "Ha! Using my own fire against me was clever, but it takes more than a little of that to stop me!"

A tiny bit of the fire that Bowser hadn't stomped out caught onto a branch that held up a beehive. The branch broke and landed on Bowser, setting the bees on him. He ran away in pain. "Ow! Bees! You knew this was gonna happen! You awful, stupid...uh, awful..."

"What do you think happened to Il Paintissamo?" said FLUDD, glancing down the pit.

"He's still alive, I know it."

"How?"

"Easy!" smiled Mario. "The rule in our stories is to never truly kill off a main character!"

"Oh."

Back at the hotel, the manager was hanging Il Paintissamo's picture up. "He was our best employee!"

"But he didn't really work here!" Peach pointed out. "And all he did was race Mario to his room!"

"Eh, that's better than my other workers..."


It's pretty obvious that no one likes Il Paintissamo, so I had a lot of fun tourmenting him here. Like all the villains in the series, he'll probably come back.