This chapter is camp. Serenity is not the way she was in canon (she grew a backbone) because she's been modeling Mai and Téa. And unlike the Duke in the original movie, Duke Devlin isn't going to be a complete monster (otherwise this story would be a lot darker).
Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, its Abridged Series, Moulin Rouge, or any of the songs parodied in this story. I don't own McDonalds either.
(1) To the tune of "Live to Tell" by Madonna.
(2) To the tune of "Lucky" by Britney Spears. The parody of this doesn't correspond to any of the songs in the movie.
(3) To the tune of "Doctor Jones" by Aqua.
-O-o-O-o-O-
It was after the end of a very long rehearsal that Joey and Tristan were making out behind a Styrofoam sphinx while everyone ignored them.
"Don't you think," Tristan asked between connections, "we should…" Joey came at him again. "Be a little more discreet?"
"Discretion's for wimps," Joey quipped, going back for seconds. "You need to try gamblin' fer once."
Up on the balcony, Bakura and Duke were having a heated discussion.
"Haven't you been watching? Joey doesn't even notice I'm here. It's always 'Tristan dis' or 'Tristan dat.'"
"Duke! I didn't know you did impressions!" Bakura wasn't lying. He really did think Duke had Joey down pat.
"Bakura, I'm serious. He's practically obsessed with Tristan. When that writer tags along, it's like I have to break into their conversation. I need a freaking verbal sledgehammer, and that's just not cool!"
"Might I suggest finding a common interest? Like dueling?" Bakura glanced down at the stage. Yami was draped over the sphinx's front paws while Yugi poked at him.
Duke did his best to hide his frustration. "We can't talk about the play all the time. Besides, dueling is deader than Kaibaland."
Bakura didn't comment. He didn't need to, not with the look Kaiba was giving to the back of Duke's head.
"I'm going to use my well-honed acting skills to pretend you didn't just say that."
Duke was also hoping Kaiba would pretend he wasn't considering kicking him off the balcony as well. He hid his fear and asked, "How are you everywhere?"
Kaiba smirked. "It's a gift." He was about to explain very carefully and patronizingly why Duke should really think about what he said before he said it, but something caught his eye down below. In the corner, behind a set piece, Joey and Tristan were doing something very untoward-and something very visible from the balcony.
Bakura followed Kaiba's gaze to the floor. He saw Duke turn to him in his periphery and made eye contact to distract him immediately.
"What are we all looking at?" Duke turned around from staring at Kaiba to look down.
"It's nothing." Kaiba said loudly as Bakura blocked the scene with his head. "Yami's asleep again. I'm going to wake him up."
Duke seemed to accept the explanation. Bakura led him away, saying, "Now about those interests…"
Kaiba flew down the stairs. This was toeing the line between ridiculous and suicidal. Did they not realize all their futures were at stake?
Joey and Tristan continued trysting. Everyone continued to ignore them. Tristan was perfectly content to keep at it, but he noticed a tall brunette figure behind Joey's head.
"What do you think you're doing?"
If you didn't listen to the actual words, you would swear they were simply having artistic differences.
"Um, well," Tristan started. "We were just practicing some of the more complicated blocking." Joey nodded enthusiastically.
Kaiba's face settled into an almost pleasant expression. A wail of "No! Don't you die on me now, Sparky!" came from across the street.
"Oh." Kaiba shifted his weight. "Well, that's great. Except, I don't remember the scene where the penniless duelist shoves his hand up the courtesan's kilt."
Both Joey and Tristan examined the base of the sphinx.
"Get outta here." Kaiba pulled Tristan away. Tristan hesitated, then scurried away at Joey's insistence and after seeing the look on Kaiba's face. "I'd rather see his high kick from a distance," he muttered as he escaped.
Kaiba turned back to Joey. "Are you mental, or are you actively trying to ruin everything? Because I need to know; medication's expensive and I'd hate to take it out of our laundry fund."
"We weren't doin' anythin' wrong." Joey's voice came out much less assertive than he wanted it to.
"What do you call fooling around with the writer when you have a deal with Duke, then? Don't you realize how much power he has over this production? If he pulls out, we could all be back to putting out for props!"
Joey shrugged and backed into the wall. He certainly didn't want that for himself or the rest of the crew (not even for Kaiba).
"Or, do you think that's the best strategy? Selling ourselves for lousy surrealism? Do you want to spend your life in grease and glitter?" The half-crazed gleam in Kaiba's eyes prompted Joey to look around for any stray staff-like props, just in case.
"Cool it, Kaiba. Nobody saw anythin'," Joey said in the calmest voice he could muster.
"But he very nearly did!" Kaiba's voice was uncharacteristically shrill. Joey put a finger in his ear and twisted it, not daring to take his eyes off the possibly insane man in front of him.
Kaiba seemed to realize he was on the verge of losing it. He took a deep silent breath, though his face was still as red as the windmills on the roof. "You're not seeing Tristan anymore."
Joey stared. "What am I, your twelve year old son?"
Kaiba didn't appear to have heard. "You can't put this whole operation in danger with your…dalliances." He cringed at the word. "You're going to tell him it's over and you're going to keep it that way."
"But—"
"No buts, Wheeler. I wouldn't have allowed this to go on so long if Bakura weren't so persuasive, but now that Duke's here all the time, we can't have that anymore. Do you understand, or do I need to go over it again?"
"I got it," Joey spat. "I ain't stupid."
"Good. Duke's expecting you at the FracDonalds tower tonight. Don't blow it...unless he asks you to, of course." Kaiba walked off.
Joey watched him climb the stairs to the offices. How easily he could order others around, but then again, this was Kaiba. Why should he care that this whole deal was tearing Joey apart?
Joey trailed his nails along the ridges in the 1970s wood paneling as he made his way back to the dressing rooms.
"A man can always learn to hide
Until he's just a shell.
If I go ta hell and back, I wouldn't care
Just say I can keep your memory dere." (1)
"Joey, is everything all right?" Bakura's voice held genuine concern. "I saw Kaiba, and—"
"It's nothin'. He just wanted ta talk, dat's all." Joey turned away from Bakura. No way was he going to cry now; Bakura might think Kaiba made him cry. Joey may have been running around wearing duel cards, body paint, and not much else, but he still had his pride.
Bakura didn't leave just then. "It's-it's for the best," he weakly reassured.
"Sure. Takin' one for da team. We all gotta do it sometime, I guess." Joey was sure Bakura could hear the strain in his voice. It was harder to breathe all of a sudden.
Bakura ran to Joey's aid as Joey started hacking and coughing into a tissue. They managed to get to the bench under the stairs before Joey passed out, his hands lined with blood.
Bakura tapped Joey's cheek to revive him. It was a no-go. "How long have you had these symptoms?" he whispered as he went to the water fountain, got a handful of water, and splashed it on Joey's face. When that failed, he practically flew upstairs to the phone to call one of the few remaining doctors in Domino.
When he got off the phone, he ran out of the office and right into Serenity. "Oh, thank god you haven't left yet. Joey is coughing up blood, and he's fainted under the stairs."
Serenity ran down the stairs, heart in mouth. She found Joey on the bench, a tissue next to his mouth. The tissue was soaked in red.
Kaiba rounded the corner. "The doctor will be here shortly." He looked down at Joey's curled form. "There's no way he's seeing the Duke tonight."
Serenity didn't bat an eye at his bluntness. Bakura put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Do you know if anything like this has happened before?" he asked gently.
Serenity couldn't look at Bakura. "Once, maybe twice before."
"Why didn't you do anything about it?" Kaiba asked.
"Because if even you, O Great and Mighty Kaiba, are having issues getting healthcare, how do you think the rest of us poor slobs are doing?" Serenity snapped. "Besides, he refused to go. He thought he'd get over it."
"He thought he'd recover from hacking up a lung?"
Serenity wrenched around to face him. "Don't you have customers on Chess Avenue?"
Both Bakura and Kaiba were taken aback by Serenity's tone. Kaiba actually averted his gaze.
"I'm sorry," Serenity said, her voice still tight.
"Like you could ever faze me," Kaiba muttered, turning to Bakura. "When are you going to tell Duke?"
"Let's call him now." Bakura headed to the phone, Kaiba at his heels.
They got Noah instead. "Duke is unavailable at the moment, can I take a message?"
"Joey can't come to the tower tonight. He's—"
"Wait, what do you mean he can't come?"
Kaiba snatched the phone from Bakura. "He's literally coughing up a lung. He's not going anywhere tonight."
They could hear muffled talking on the other line. "Seriously? You think Duke's going to believe you're not covering up for Joey and his paramour?"
"It's the truth. If he doesn't want to believe it, that's his problem."
There was more muffled talking on the other end. They heard Noah sigh heavily before answering. "Duke says you lie like the bored hooker you are. He wants Joey at the FracDonalds tower by nine or the deal's off," Noah said.
Bakura took the phone back before Kaiba could crush the receiver. "We'll see what we can do." He hung up.
"Hmm. We could break his kneecaps," Kaiba suggested.
Bakura turned his weary eyes on him. "No, we couldn't." He twirled the phone cord. "Besides, we can't afford a club."
"We could use the phone."
"No physical violence!" Bakura insisted. He stroked his giant gold hoop earring. "Not yet, anyway. Domino may be somewhat lawless, but we can't go breaking our enemies' legs willy-nilly. Besides, he'll definitely call off the deal if we pull something like that. No," he continued, poking a strand of white hair through the hoop, "I'll go to the tower and sort things out."
Kaiba scoffed. "Nothing short of you impersonating Joey will please that guy."
Bakura headed downstairs to the changing rooms. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that."
-O-o-O-
In a house that resembled a scaled-down Hill House, Duke emerged from the shower. "Oh, yeah. Steam follows Duke Devlin everywhere he goes."
He wrapped a towel about his waist and went to the large window in his bedroom. The view was lovely, except for the clusters of bedraggled people huddled around fires in trashcans, cardboard and corrugated tin condominiums, and hollowed out storefronts.
The sky was a beautiful shade of dark blue, anyway.
Duke turned away from the window. The towel was in danger of falling down. That mattered little, since the view would only be improved if it did.
He lay down on his bed and basked in the relative silence. He'd thought the best neighborhood in Domino would have less noise pollution, but there were few suitable living spaces, and beggars couldn't be choosers. The actual beggars had to make do with sleeping on the front lawn and leaving before he let the dogs out.
Maybe he shouldn't have sent the dogs after them, though. They had nowhere else to go; they were likely wandering around because they were kicked out of the cardboard village in the park for whatever reason—tearing up cards, maybe? All they really wanted was a soft spot of grass to sleep on, preferably one where they didn't have to worry about being stabbed with trading cards and broken duel disks. Besides, the dogs were having unusual bouts of fatigue lately; Noah kept looking at them with upturned mouth corners clearly visible on his face.
"All those vagrants. Maybe I should do something about them," Duke mused. He turned over and that train of thought was instantly derailed. "Ooh, shiny mirror."
He looked at his reflection. He had the most gorgeous green eyes, yet he could never bring himself to look into them for long. It wasn't fair. How could he properly enjoy his own sexiness if he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without feeling vaguely guilty?
"Why can't I enjoy myself? Why is it so hard to screw my conscience, I have money?" He sat up, pounding the bed. "Why am I not getting laid?"
He pounded the bed six times, magically producing the music to a pop ballad. Duke rose and took one last look at the view outside his window before yanking his towel off with a flourish.
"This is a song about a guy named Dukey-I mean, Duke."
Duke skated on his towel across the lacquered wood floor and began to sing:
"Nearly evening; I dress up
And pose in the mirror on the door.
I grab Noah. 'Time to roll.'
Just like the dice on my drawers."
Duke put on his dice-patterned underwear and posed in the mirror, continuing to sing.
"Isn't he sexy, this dice master guy?"
"For Frig's sake." Noah combed his mint green mullet.
Duke danced while singing into a hair gel tube.
"Look, it's Dukey. He's so unmarred."
"Must he un-undress with the door ajar?" Noah tapped his foot and averted his gaze from the doorway.
"But just one thing bugs me like a mite,
Should I wear this sheer top tonight?" Duke held up a sheer black top with green sparkles.
The music continued while Duke hemmed and hawed over his ensemble for the night. Not once did he or Noah question its source.
"We're going to be late," Noah called from the hall.
"I rule Domino city. They can wait on me," Duke retorted. "But I can't wait to get to Joey, so I'll speed it up."
Duke decided on a more dignified outfit of a red tank top over a black mesh t-shirt paired with black leather pants and cowboy boots. Noah was even more dashing in a white sailor suit. They drove off in the purple Cadillac with Duke absently batting at the pyramid-studded dice hanging from the rearview mirror. He alternated looking out the window and at the passenger's side mirror, all while singing.
"There's a scrimmage of fan girls
But when I walk by, they all stop.
Everyone's brown-nosing and I keep on posing.
But maybe I'm just a silly fop."
He noticed his own eyes staring back at him in the mirror. He immediately shifted his gaze to Chess Avenue, then away again to the golden F-shaped lights on the tower in the distance.
"Aren't I lucky, I'm king of the world?" Duke twirled a loose strand of hair.
"Oy vey." Noah put the turn signal on and tried not to look down Chess Avenue at the tall brunette figure walking down the street. Duke paid more attention to the white-haired man in the black jacket running down the street and continued to sing.
"Look, it's Dukey! He's so bizarre.
As he rides, rides, rides in his crazy car.
World's on six and seven and he's dressed to the nines.
Hey, what's with these third person lines?"
They pulled up at the FracDonalds tower, the only building in Domino that had not lost its pre-Fall glory. It boasted seven stories, the tallest building since all the skyscrapers were demolished soon after the fall, not a single broken window, proper insulation, thirty large meeting rooms with comfortable furniture, and a roof without leaks.
"Wow," Noah said. "The only place in town that hasn't been raided."
They walked under a golden arch into the mirrored main hall. They were the only ones in the hall, other than the yellow-uniformed concierge. Their footsteps echoed on the wood floor as they received their complimentary laser light crowns and followed the concierge down the red and white striped halls to the stairs.
"Isn't it ducky? Dice games rule the world," Duke sang in response as they walked up a spiral staircase illuminated by neon lights to a large meeting room on the third floor. Duke threw open the checkered doors to reveal an open green-paneled parlor with large purple couches and arm chairs. He strutted across the checkered floor, past an oversized red 1950s dinette table to a large mirror, singing.
"I am so sexy, but why, why, oh why
Am I still single? It's a little odd
That I've purchased some guy." Duke broke away from kissing the mirror and sat down at the neon-lit bar near Noah, who poured them both a glass of rye. Duke downed his drink in two gulps and spun around on the barstool.
"And I say,
I'm freaking Dukey! I'm a rock star!
Drinking rye, rye, rye at a neon bar,
Thinking if the fan girls think I'm a turn-on,
Then where have my cheerleaders gone?"
Duke twirled out of his seat and began dancing in a manner not dissimilar to that of a boy band member. Noah pranced behind him, saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Neither of them noticed when the door opened and Bakura tiptoed in. Duke sang another chorus.
"They all say,
Look at Dukey. He's so hot.
I took Kai-Kaiba for all he has got." Noah shot Duke a dirty look at this line.
"I guess dice games aren't everything in life." Duke turned to the door and snapped his head up just in time.
"Oh, why does he leer with those eyes?" Bakura wondered aloud at Duke's piercing gaze. (2)
The three of them froze for a few seconds before Duke and Noah dropped their dance poses. "I'm going to give you two some privacy," Noah said, then left the room, his ears burning from being caught dancing.
Duke sat down at the dinette table and drummed his fingers on the surface. "Well? Where is he?"
"Oh, bugger," Bakura thought. "Is it so hard to believe someone is sick?" Aloud, he said, "Didn't Noah tell you? Joey couldn't come. He's very ill."
Duke rolled his eyes. "Do you think I'm going to fall for that excuse? He wasn't keeling over at rehearsal today."
"He got sick after you left. It came on suddenly. It happens," Bakura said.
"So, you're saying I made him sick? Wow, that's flattering."
No, I don't mean that at all. It's just…" Bakura shifted, trying to think of something Duke would believe, if not the truth. "He's getting tested!"
Duke raised an eyebrow, but softened his expression. "Really?"
Bakura nodded vigorously. "He's making sure he's all healthy, just for you!"
"Oh." Duke sounded convinced. "But what if he's…you know."
Bakura put up his hands reassuringly. "Whenever we do someone a favor, we always take the proper precautions. I'm absolutely sure he's fine. But," Bakura leaned in close, "he's got one thing only you can cure."
A C chord sounded from high in the rafters. Crickets chirped a four beats per measure rhythm. Bakura threw open the window and began to sing.
"Sometimes the air is just right.
Viruses spread like wildfire.
SARS, flu, and dreaming of you;
You've got him sick with desire!" Bakura put a hand on his forehead and feigned swooning. He snapped up and did a short hoedown.
"Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!"
Duke watched in amazement as Bakura twirled over to the light switches and turned a dial. The regular white lighting was replaced with a soft pink glow, giving Bakura's hair the appearance of cotton candy. Bakura slinked to Duke's chair while Duke tried to take his mind off how hungry he was looking at Bakura's hair. Bakura continued to sing.
"Now that the lights are all low,
Why don't we give it a go?
Let's have a practice run now.
I'll be your surrogate Joe!"
Bakura draped a huge yellow napkin over his head and launched into an imitation of Joey.
"Dukey, I am turnin' blue." Bakura knelt down and rubbed himself against Duke's legs.
"Well, that sounds serious." Duke flicked his dice earring.
"Need anotha shot o' you." Bakura whipped off his black jacket, revealing a white mesh top.
"Forget X-rays." Duke sat up straight. Convincing actor, was Bakura.
"You're my favorite medicine." Bakura began to flop around on the floor in front of Duke.
"I've got a double dose." Duke swooped off his chair and knelt over Bakura, pantomiming a syringe.
"Your love's like pow, pow, pow. Please inject me now!" Bakura threw himself up and skipped around, singing in his normal voice.
"Doctor Duke, Duke.
Hello, Doctor Duke!
Doctor Duke, Doctor Duke, insure me!
Doctor Duke, Duke,
You won't be rebuked!
Doctor Duke, Doctor Duke, come cure me!"
Bakura hopped onto the back of a couch and straddled it. He swirled his fist in the air as if swinging a lasso.
"Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!"
He bounced up and down as if he were riding a mechanical bull, being very careful to land on his behind and not the more sensitive area. Duke watched him, headbanging to the rhythm.
"Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!"
Bakura swung his leg back over the couch and continued his Joey impression, sidling up to Duke.
"I'm seein' spots in my sight,
All of 'em green and black.
When I look into your eyes
Voila! Dey're all gone—just like dat!"
Bakura ran over to the dinette table and lay down on it. Duke ran over and stood over him.
"Dukey, I am hooked on you." He offered up his wrists.
"I better check your pulse." Duke put two fingers on Bakura's wrists.
"I think I've got a feva, too." Bakura did the monkey while lying down.
"Feel your heart points." Duke laid a hand on Bakura's chest.
"Lemme have just one more fix." Bakura thrust his hips upwards.
"Your organ's working fine." Duke leaned back to avoid being hit by Bakura's body.
"I can feel my heart pound. My head, it spins around!" Bakura shook his head rapidly, creating the illusion of a three hundred sixty degree rotation. Miraculously, the yellow napkin stayed in place.
"Doctor Duke, Duke.
Hello, Doctor Duke!
Doctor Duke, Doctor Duke, check me up!
Doctor Duke, Duke,
So excited I could puke!
Doctor Duke, Doctor Duke, deck me up!" Bakura draped a white tablecloth about himself as a makeshift hospital gown.
Bakura hopped up on the deserted bar and gyrated against the pole fixed in the center, making sure to swing his hips toward Duke's waiting head.
"Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!"
Bakura did another hoedown. Duke's eyes traveled slowly from Bakura's feet to his hips.
"Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!"
Bakura leaped off the bar, landing on his feet. He dropped to the ground and dragged himself toward Duke, pitching his shoulders and hips forward and back.
"Please, please heal me!
Come and feel me!
Don't be nonplussed.
Cool my Brooklyn lust!"
Duke rose and stepped towards Bakura slowly, a smile forming on his face. Bakura sang at Duke, with Duke responding:
"Doctor Duke, Duke."
"Accept me!" Duke slid down on his knees in front of Bakura.
"Doctor Duke, Duke."
"Erect me!" Duke shook his hips up and down.
"Doctor Duke, Duke."
"Affect me!" Duke twisted his torso around, his ponytail whirling around like a well-oiled propeller.
"Doctor Duke, Duke, inject me!" Bakura took the napkin off his head and whipped his own behind with it. Duke went wild. He leapt up, his heels clicking together and gave chase, joining in the singing.
"Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!
Hey nonny-nonny yay, yippie yi yeah.
Yippie ki yay, mutha!"
Duke pounced Bakura, who grabbed him and leaned back, sending them both onto the large couch. They sang the final chorus together, convulsing on the seat and armrests.
"Doctor Duke, Duke.
Hello, Doctor Duke!
Doctor Duke, Doctor Duke, revive me!
Doctor Duke, Duke,
I swear I'm not a kook!
Doctor Duke, Doctor Duke, test drive me!" (3)
The fire alarm shrieked above them, accompanied by flashing red lights. The door swung open and Noah ran in.
"We have to evacuate, there's a fire." He looked down at the two men doing contortionist poses on the couch. "Oh, awkward."
Duke and Bakura scrambled up and followed Noah down the stairs. "Setting off all the smoke alarms: just a normal night for Duke Devlin." Duke tossed his ponytail.
-O-o-O-o-O-
In the next chapter comes the Robot Unicorn Dance Number and Secret Song of Secretive Secrets.
