Title: It Felt Like Drowning
Author: c2t2
Part 1.7
Standard disclaimer: I do not own Bleach and do not make money.

AN: Anyone who wants to read editorial commentary and author notes on each chapter can go to my livejournal. It's linked in my profile (or go to LJ under the username squizbee).

Arc 1
Chapter 7. Slacking Off on a Quiet Patrol

Rukia lay on her back, watching the clouds drifting by, trying to find one that was rabbit-shaped. Patrol had been dreadfully boring, and she entertained herself the best she could, listening for the Hollow alert while ignoring the men on either side of her. Ichigo and Renji were trading insults over her head. She didn't think they even knew that they were arguing. By now their bickering was just white noise to them, as natural as breathing.

"At least I don't shave my forehead into weird shapes."

"It's to show the tattoos, dumbass."

"Well, it looks like you're going bald. Seriously, who fucks with their hairline?"

"It's called being secure. Some of us don't compensate with some huge, overkill zanpakutou-"

"Believe me; I've got no need to compensate."

"You're such a liar."

"You want me to show you?"

"You wish."

"Whatever you say, Renji."

"Don't flatter yourself."

Sometimes she'd swear they were flirting.

Flirting? A cold lump that felt a lot like fear seemed to constrict beneath Rukia's ribs. She was surprised at the emotion. Why did she feel this way? The idiots were almost certainly not flirting, but her reaction had been real. Rukia decided that in order to avoid stooping to their level of stupid, she needed to face the situation and sort this out in her own head.

Fact one: She had no objection to untraditional relationships. She already knew this about herself, but would need to order her thoughts more properly.

Fact two: The idea of Renji and Ichigo getting together upset her. She would need to explore this in more detail to understand why.

First things first, Rukia had no objection to the thought of two females or males in an erotic situation. Even before Chizuru had started slipping her certain kinds of manga, Rukia never felt disgust if the topic was brought to her attention. Nor did this tolerance end when it came to her personal life.

It was Rukia's most closely held secret.

She had come to terms with her slightly twisted desires concerning Kaien and Miyako, and she was no homophobe, so Rukia was left with the more puzzling fact number two.

She did not want Renji and Ichigo together.

The brief images that flashed through Rukia's mind at the thought were not objectionable in the least. She only banished them from her imagination because she did not want anyone to see her blushing like a fool.

When she thought of them together, one objection immediately jumped to mind: She would be left behind.

That thought raised more questions than answers. Neither friendship would be in jeopardy even if there was more to the situation than her heated imagination. The simplest conclusion would be that she had the hots for one of them. She could acknowledge a superficial attraction to them both, but nothing that would cause emotions as strong as she had felt.

That left one conclusion: she must be in love.

Rukia was rather put out, since obviously her heart had failed to consult her on the matter. She would have to have a word with herself about teamwork and judgment.

Well, all that was left was to figure out which idiot her heart had decided on.

They both had forceful personalities, immense strength, and brightly colored hair, all of which she liked for whatever reason. They were both very straightforward and clueless in some ways, which had her approval because she didn't know how to play social games any more than they did. Plus, she would prefer to be the smart half of her first real relationship.

Her feelings for Renji had been slightly more than platonic ever since that chance encounter nearly a decade ago. As kids, they had been each other's whole world. They lived together and saved each other's lives so many times they never even tried to keep track. The years of separation had given them enough distance that such a relationship would no longer feel inappropriate. They had both changed, so now they held some mystery for each other while retaining a bond so strong it defied description.

Ichigo, of course, looked remarkably like Kaien, but it was more than that. The sudden, forced intimacy of going from strangers to living together overnight meant they had to skip a lot of steps in the normal course of becoming acquainted. Depending on each other so heavily built the kind of trust that usually took years. Constant exposure forced them to deal with each other's idiosyncrasies, while one crisis after another gave them the perspective to ignore that which was unimportant.

For her, Renji had turned against everyone he knew at the drop of a hat, and Ichigo had literally stormed the gates of heaven. She knew beyond any doubt that they would do it again. She would do the same for both of them.

Who was she in love with?

Oh.

Rukia sighed heavily, drawing concerned glances from the men on either side. Her selfishness had no limit. Her greed was without precedent. She was distantly impressed with her sheer audacity.

She loved them both.

Therefore, she deserved neither.