Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer, not me, end of story
Chapter Seven: Ephialtes
Despite his best efforts, and to Butler's profound relief, Artemis finally fell into an exhausted and restless slumber. Butler, instincts tuned both by intensive training and by long years of looking after his charge, knew the instant Artemis's breathing changed from pretending to be asleep to actually sleeping. He gently laid down his book and examined his employer's sleeping face. What he saw worried him. In spite of the strict prohibition against bodyguards' becoming emotionally attached to their principals, Artemis was far more to Butler than merely an employer; he meant more to the large Eurasian man than anyone else in the world besides perhaps his little sister Juliet. And right now, frankly, Artemis looked rather ill. Granted, he was usually abnormally pale, and his recent time spend underground certainly wouldn't have helped matters, but now there was an unhealthy, almost gray cast to his pallor. Butler sincerely wished that Holly and Artemis hadn't argued, and that she was here now; the elf had a good head on her shoulders, and, no matter what Artemis said, he knew she was one of Artemis's best friends. One of Artemis's only friends. Quality is more important than quantity, Butler reminded himself. And Holly hort was just about the best friend to be found on the world or under it.
*****RTR*****
Holly stared at the reports on the desk in front of her. She had been doing this for the last two hours, and they were no closer to being completed than when she had begun. Maybe if I actually picked up the pen...
Holly picked up the pen, and then put it down again. She couldn't concentrate. What was so important about missing scrap metal shipments anyway?
Of its own accord Holly's mind wandered back to her earlier conversation with Mulch. The dwarf had been being his usual nonsensical, dismissable self. Hadn't he? The problem was that Holly had the niggling sensation that Mulch had actually had a point. In fact, she was growing increasingly suspicious that the flatulent, kleptomatic tunneler was actually a lot smarter than he generally let on.
And what had he had to go and call Artemis her best friend for? It wasn't even true, was it? She had plenty of friends who meant the same to her as Artemis did. Well, not plenty, but a few. And not exactly the same as Artemis, she admitted. No one could ever be exactly the same as Artemis, she thought with a small smile. And just how did she feel about Artemis... D'arvit! Now she was feeling confused about her own feelings as well as guilty about what she had said to the Mud Boy. And why should she feel guilty, she though stubbornly, he had started it!
Holly snorted. And who is the adult in this situation?
Holly shook her head. She really should go and see him. She glanced at the papers in front of her on the desk and groaned. She really should finish her work. Apparently having a human friend in residence at the Argon Clinic did not excuse her from regular LEP duties. Well, she would finish the paperwork and then go take over for her shift with Artemis. With any luck he'd be asleep at that hour and she wouldn't have to deal with the boy or any of his alternate personalities. As if the world ever treats me that kindly.
*****RTR*****
Butler heard the bedroom doorknob turn and was halfway out of his chair before the door had opened enough to admit the visitors. He cursed himself for his slowness.
"Relax, big man," said Foaly, holding his hands up in front of him. "We come in peace. I met Holly in the hall on her way here and decided I'd join her to check on the Mud Boy. How is he?"
Butler sank back into his chair.
"He's asleep, but he doesn't seem like he's having particularly peaceful dreams." He looked at Holly. "You upset him when you left, you know."
Holly nodded. "I know. He's just...he's so damn hard to get along with sometimes."
Butler smiled wryly. "Don't I know it." He paused. "He doesn't believe you'll come back."
"Foolish Mud Boy," said Foaly. "Holly always comes back to him, even when we all warn her not to. She's grown attached."
Holly made a face at the centaur. "And you haven't?"
Foaly shrugged. "I have to admit he does grow on you after a while." He clopped across the floor to Artemis's bed and looked at the sleeping teen. "He doesn't look so great, does he?"
Holly joined him.
"No, he doesn't," she said, frowning. "He looks ill."
"He hasn't been sleeping much," said Butler. "If it was anyone but Artemis I'd say he was afraid to sleep."
"Or afraid to wake up," muttered Holly softly.
"Excuse me?"
"We never know who he's going to be when he wakes up, do we? Artemis likes to be in control, I don't imagine he fancies the idea of possibly giving up that control to another personality every time he goes to sleep."
Roused by the conversation going on in the room around him, the boy on the bed opened his eyes and sat up.
"Artemis?"
"That depends on your definition I suppose," said the dark-haired teenager. "You could call me Artemis, and you wouldn't be entirely wrong, because technically we're all Artemis, or at least aspects of his woefully fragmented personality—a pathetic side effect of his weakness and emotions—but in the sense in which you are undoubtedly posing the question, no, I am not Artemis, I am Ephialtes." The boy steepled his fingers in front of him. "Or, as I prefer to think of myself, Artemis as he should be, purified of all of these excess burdens he has accumulated over the past few years."
Holly swallowed. Orion and Adonis had been so unlike Artemis that it had been ridiculous, but this new personality was unsettling for an entirely different reason; the way he was looking at her—that posture, that smug little smirk—did remind her of Artemis, or rather of Artemis Fowl as he had been when she had first met him at the age of twelve.
"Ah," said Ephialtes. "I see you've recognized it. Yes, Artemis did, in fact, use to be much more like me. Focused on what mattered—personal gain, and unburdened by such weaknesses as a heart or a conscience.
"Weaknesses?" echoed Butler.
"But of course," said Ephialtes in a reasonable tone. "Surely you of all people should understand this. Isn't that what your training with Madame Ko was all about? Nothing matters but, in your case, the principal. All superfluous things and emotions do is get in the way. Conscience, heart, feelings, friends, all added weapons for one's enemies to use against one to prevent one from furthering themselves and achieving their goals. Artemis used to understand this. Unfortunately association with the People has...contaminated him.
"Artemis was never like that," said Holly furiously.
"Actually Holly," said Foaly uncomfortably, "he was. He was exactly like this when he kidnapped you—"
"Artemis always had a spark of good in him!" said Holly stubbornly. "He just had to learn to blow on it."
"Come now, Captain Short," said Ephialtes in that same infuriatingly even voice. "I never said Artemis was evil, though he does have the potential, naturally. I simply know what I want, and I use my superior intellect to get it. Why shouldn't I? If I can get what I want then, why, I am entitled to it, am I not? It is all a matter of priorities, and clear thinking. Take Orion for example. No one can argue that that buffoon thinks clearly, or has his priorities in the least bit of a sensible order. He lets his emotions rule completely, and you see where that leads. And then there is Adonis, the "typical teenager", who, though he shares Artemis's rather astounding brain, puts about half of one percent of it to use, a worse sin than being unintelligent in the first place."
"Well, he does have a point there about Adonis," conceded Foaly.
Ephialtes turned his attention to the centaur. "Naturally. I rarely speak if I do not have a point, unless of course I am speaking in order to distract or stall someone. You, as the only one in this room with an intelligence and understanding even approaching mine, will understand what I am talking about."
"Wh—even approaching yours?" spluttered Foaly.
Ephialtes gave him an indulgent smile.
"Centaur, centaur, haven't you admitted by now that my intellect is superior to your own? I, a mere human, without the benefits of the fairy world at my fingertips, managed to outwit you and your entire team at the age twelve. Since then I have continued to out-think you, hack your system, and only allow you to hack what I want you to see from mine. It is rather indisputable."
"I don't think I like you, Mud Boy," growled Foaly.
Ephialtes shrugged. "There is very little profit in being liked."
"Artemis realizes the importance of having friends," said Holly.
Ephialtes shrugged. "I can't deny that they have their uses."
"Friends aren't people you use, Ephialtes," said Butler.
"Really?" said Ephialtes. "I seem to recall Artemis using his a fair number of times, and all of you using him as well."
Holly opened and closed her mouth several times. "That's not—I don't—"
Ephialtes smirked. "You see? You can't deny it. None of you. And Artemis can't either. This nonsense about friendship being based on mutual trust is just that—nonsense. Friends will betray each other. It's inevitable, so why pretend? Artemis doesn't trust you, and if you had any sense you wouldn't trust him either."
"He only doesn't trust us because of the Complex," said Butler.
"Oh really?" said Ephialtes, raising an eyebrow. "The Complex brings to the surface aspects of the personality that are already there, just buried or submerged in the consciousness; it cannot produce something that does not already exist."
"You don't know what you're talking about," said Holly.
"Don't I?" said Ephialtes. "I know everything Artemis knows, remember? Half of the time you and Artemis don't even like each other. You're always fighting."
"Well—yes," said Foaly. "But how can you not? He baits me—I know he does. Besides, sometimes it's kind of fun to fight with Artemis. It's intellectually stimulating."
"And you, Captain Short, do you enjoy fighting with him?"
"Well, no, not usually," said Holly. "It just sort of happens."
"They clash spectacularly," said Foaly with a smirk.
"Then why do it?" said Elphilates.
Because he's so—so frustrating!" said Holly. "Sometimes I just want to throttle him! He's arrogant and manipulative and deceitful and evasive and obtuse and—"
"So why be friends with him?" asked Ephialtes reasonably. "Unless it's to use him of course. That is understandable. And why let him get to you like that? It's another example of your emotions making you weak. All three of you are guilty of it. And the girl and the Dwarf too, not to mention our parents. You let Artemis influence you, you let him make you worried and sad and angry and frustrated. Why? What a terrible waste of energy and effort. If you grow tired of us, just leave."
"Sometimes I have half a mind to," muttered Holly, and Foaly nodded in concurrence.
"Then why don't you?" said Ephialtes. "I won't mind."
"But Artemis will," said Butler.
"Weakness," said Ephialtes dismissively.
"Artemis will mind," Butler repeated. "And we're all forgetting something. We're talking about him as though he wasn't here but, according to Holly, Artemis can see and hear everything that's going on."
Holly and Foaly looked at Ephialtes/Artemis guiltily.
Ephialtes just shook his head at them. "Pathetic. Especially you, Captain. You don't even know what your feelings are toward Artemis."
"This is a waste of time," Holly snapped, standing suddenly. "I have things I should be doing."
"I'm going to call Dr. Argon," said Foaly. "At least it's his job to deal with this."
*****RTR*****
Dr. Argon ushered Butler, Foaly, and Holly out of the room, but Holly, with the excuse of having dropped her keys out of her pocket, doubled back to Artemis's room and positioned herself outside of the keyhole. She knew it was wrong to spy on her friend, but she couldn't help it—she wanted to know just what went on in those therapy sessions that left Artemis so drained.
"Hello," said Argon with false amicability.
"Please, Doctor," said Ephialtes. "Let's not have any of these pretenses. I don't like you, and you don't like me. I'm here because I have no choice, you're here for the money and fame you hope to get out of the case."
Argon blinked and his smile slipped slightly.
"Well, you're feeling brusque today."
"I prefer 'to the point', which is the way everyone should be; the world would be a lot easier to manage."
"To manage? Does one really manage the world...?
"Ephialtes. And I intend to." He steepled his fingers. "What kind of psychoanalytical questions do you have for me today?"
"You act as though you are quite superior," said Argon.
"I am superior to you," stated Ephialtes. "In just about every way possible. In fact, I have yet to meet someone I am not superior to."
"What about your friends?"
"I have no friends," said Ephialtes. "I need none."
Outside of the door Holly dug her fingernails into her palms.
It's not Artemis, she told herself. It's not really him.
"Not even Holly Short?"
Ephialtes gave Argon Artemis's best vampire smile.
"Ah, the leading question. You are, of course, referring to the feelings that Orion and Adonis have both expressed for the elven Captain. I, luckily, remain free of such ridiculous sentimentalities. Orion fancies himself wildly in love with the Captain—don't look so surprised Doctor, I am sure you had surmised that already—without having the faintest idea of what that entails. Adonis has a typical adolescent attraction to Miss Short, which is both physical and emotional.
"And you?"
"I can certainly appreciate her physical attractiveness," said Ephialtes. "She is indeed a wonderful female specimen, and I wouldn't in the least mind having intercourse with her."
Dr. Argon dropped his clipboard on the floor and fumbled around to pick it up. The noise this made luckily covered the sound of Holly choking and grabbing the doorknob for support.
"It is a perfectly natural instinct," said Ephialtes, seemingly unphased by the shock his statement had caused. "Intellectual and basic primal instincts are more closely related than most people realize. I, from a purely non-emotional, intellectual standpoint, can appreciate the sexual attraction wielded by Captain Short. Why? Because the most basic primal need of all beings is the continuation of the species, which, in the majority of cases, though there are exceptions, necessitates sex. Hence the desire for sex from someone, such as I, who is completely driven by their intellect. And, since the situation is not complicated by needless emotions, I am perfectly comfortable talking about such a natural subject, as I see you, Doctor, are not."
Doctor Argon scribbled furiously on his clipboard for a moment.
"Attempting to regain your composure I see," remarked Ephialtes. "A rather transparent ruse."
"And what about Artemis?" snapped Doctor Argon. He liked this personality even less than the others, and it reinforced his dislike and mistrust of the human youth in general. "How does he feel about Captain Short?"
"Are you asking how he feels about the Captain or what he thinks about her?" asked Ephialtes. "Because those are, as I believe I have explained, to different things. "But, regardless, the answer to both questions would be very confused. He is confused about the very question of who he is, so how is he supposed to know what to think and feel about other people? Again, his weakness is showing disgustingly in the fact that he will not admit that we are all parts of his overall personality."
"So you do admit this?" said Doctor Argon.
"Naturally," said Ephialtes. "It is fact."
"And how can I get Artemis to admit this?" asked Argon.
"That is something you will have to take up with Artemis," said Ephialtes. He considered for a moment. "And I suppose, as much as I hate to even say it, talking with the others might help too."
"The others," said Doctor Argon, looking excited. "Tell me more about them."
"You are becoming unprofessional, Doctor," said Ephialtes, a slight reprimand in his voice. "Iphigenia is a pathetic excuse for an existence, scared and weak. Siproites is Artemis's feminine side—don't look so intrigued, as a psychiatrist you should know every man has a feminine side and every woman a masculine one. And Aura...I would suggest that you do not attempt to bring out Aura."
"And why is that?" asked Doctor Argon.
"Trust me, for all involved, he is better left alone."
AN: Okay, so once I had written that nice long chapter I realized that there is no Arty in it at all. Oops. I promise he comes back in the next chapter, and we get his take on the scene that just happened, but Ephialtes just kind of took over and dominated this chapter.
Thanks for reading, maybe you could conclude with a nice little review? Just a thought ;)
Thanks,
-SQ
