Chapter 7

Self Confidence

Kakashi jumped backwards, sharingan blazing, out of Gai's reach to buy time to catch his breath. Gai had charged out of nowhere and "challenged" Kakashi to a spar. It wouldn't matter if Kakashi declined; Gai never took "no" for an answer.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Kakashi spotted one of the Hokage's ANBU running past, holding a scroll with Naruto's name on it. Seeing his chance, Kakashi decided to get out of the spar.

"Gai I've got to- Owch!" Kakashi had forgotten to keep his fighting stance until Gai dropped his, and got beaned in the head by a very heavy training weight. Ignoring the pain Kakashi continued.

"Stop that ANBU and see what's going on with my student. See you later!" Kakashi finished and took off.

"Kakashi wait!" Gai yelled as he took up pursuit.


"I'll take that for you." Kakashi said to the ANBU.

"Are you sure you should?" The ANBU asked.

"It's fine, I've got everything handled." Kakashi said and grabbed the scroll before speeding off, losing Gai along the way.


"Naruto, scroll for you." Kakashi said. Naruto's face looked pale.

"Is it really that bad?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah. You should go to the hospital right now." Naruto said. Kakashi then noticed a wet feeling on his head and looked down to see Naruto's porch covered in blood.

"Mah mah. After we get you to the Hokage's office. It's fine." Kakashi said as he pulled out his porn and turned to walk down Naruto's stairs. Suddenly the world turned sideways and Kakashi fell down 13 flights of stairs.

When Naruto reached the bottom Gai showed up.

"This isn't the first time this week I've found Kakashi passed out in a puddle of his own fluids, clutching his Icha Icha." Gai laughed.

"Well Kakashi, let's go get that hole plugged up." Gai said. Naruto's face turned from ashen to green when he realized Gai wasn't running towards the hospital.

"That's just fucked up." The Kyuubi summarized nicely.


When Naruto arrived in the Hokage's office, he found Sakura, Sasuke, Zabuza and Haku.

"Good, you've all arrived. I've called you here to discuss some… discrepancies I have with the reports you've filed." The Hokage started. He turned to Sakura.

"Your report is two words. 'I helped.' Even as vague and subjective as that is, I'm told the exact opposite in every other report." The Hokage started.

"I did help!" Sakura denied vehemently.

"Name one thing you did." The Hokage responded calmly.

Sakura's mouth opened and closed a few times, the finger she had put up into the air drooping over. As it looked like she would die there, her face brightened and she seemed to come to a conclusion.

"I defended Tazuna from thugs on the bridge!" Sakura responded.

"I was spying on you." Haku started. She would have just killed Tazuna then, but Zabuza really wanted a rematch with Kakashi. She didn't want to kill Tazuna only to have Zabuza die versus Kakashi, so in order to avoid such a depressing lose-lose situation she decided to wait until after the fight.

"You saw a thug down the street, pushed Tazuna off the bridge while screaming 'Get down!' and paid the thug to not kill you. With sexual favors." Haku said bluntly.

"I only had 2 ryo bills on me. Do you know how rare those are?" Sakura said meekly. It's not like a handjob was cheating on Sasuke right?

"Nonetheless Sakura. That's unacceptable behavior for a Konoha Shinobi. Did you ever even consider just killing the thug?" The Hokage asked. Sakura took on a look of incredulousness.

"Like to death? That would be morally wrong Hokage-sama. Everyone knows being a ninja is all about rescuing princes/princesses, saving children and pets from fires, impressing boys, being a hero and other glamorous things. It says it in the book." Sakura said as if it was obviously. Reciting it as if she was reading it from a book.

At that point a paper airplane flew in the window and hit the Hokage in the head. He opened it up and read the note.

"I whited out a few words in your academy books. Good luck assholes!

-Itachi Motherfucking Uchiha

P.S.

Tell Sasuke I killed his Hamster. He was not living an unsightly enough life."

At that point a figure in a black cloak covered in red clouds threw a dead hamster through the window before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. It splattered all over Sasuke's chest.

"MR. FUZZYCHEEKS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke cried, falling to his knees.

"Sasuke. Because of this I'll just gloss over your report and assign you Yamanaka counseling. You wrote and excellent report. Next time however, please use ink instead of weasle blood."

"No promises." Sasuke said, deciding that he'd better head over to Ino's for some pre-counseling 'counseling'. He didn't even like Ino. He just slept with her because he knew someday Sakura would find out and die of a heart attack. Then he'd be able to get a more useful teammate.

The Hokage turned back to Sakura, who looked more lost than ever.

"You're clearly unfit for this line of duty. You can go back to the academy for remedial lessons or retire now. I'll allow it because it's not your fault. Have your reply on my secretary's desk by friday. Dismissed." The Hokage said. A shell-shocked Sakura left the room.

The Hokage then sighed and turned to Naruto, who had been zoned out since the start of the conversation. He was apparently talking with the fox again.

Naruto wore a dark red leather jacket with no shirt underneath it, and black cargo pants. He had steel-toed boots on his feet and his headband was worn as a belt.

While people tried complaining about it being disrespectful, he always responded by politely taking it off and allowing his pants to fall down. Naruto always went commando, so the general response was "...Put it back on…"

Except for Anko. She said to take more off.

"Naruto. First off: This report is WAY too long." The Hokage said as he slammed a 5000+ page report on his desk, resulting in a snapping sound and the desk tilting a little.

"Kage Bunshin is the best way to do paperwork sir!" Naruto responded.

"That doesn't explain the report of the wave mission's length. Shouldn't you have just gotten it done in like 5 minutes?" The Hokage asked. He used clones too, but no one wanted to do more work than needed.

"That explains it. I thought you wanted a report of my life until now." Naruto answered, causing Haku and Zabuza to sweatdrop and the Hokage to sigh.

"You're telling me you used a Kinjutsu to write down your literal life's story and give it to the Hokage?" Zabuza asked skeptically. At Naruto's nod he grinned.

"You're either dumb as a rock or a gloriously disrespectful bastard." Zabuza concluded.

"Both." the Hokage and Naruto answered at the same time.

The Hokage started flipping through it.

"This is bullcrap Naruto."

"It's all true. I promise!"

"'Day 1: Tired from the move. Kyuubi killed my parents, but I sealed him into myself because I'm so manly. I'm going to lift now. Every Day! Every Day!' It then keeps going on every day for 5 pages." The Hokage read to an increasingly incredulous audience. Except one.

"I wanted to emphasize that it was every day. Abs like these don't appear out of nowhere." Naruto answered, causing Haku to blush at the aforementioned abs.

"First off: It was the day you were born. You can't remember it. Second: You were an infant. You couldn't lift weights or seal a giant demon."

"I totally did. I'm so manly I sealed the demon, lifted weights and build housing for people hurt by the attack in the middle of the night!"

The Hokage realized that dealing with Naruto would be a headache anyways, and thus decided to use a jutsu to quickly absorb the 'information' from the report.

"You're telling me at four you 'Made a shadow clone to distract people with it's manliness and solved the civil war in Mist. They thought I was older because I was so manly. I got an award from the Mizukage that proves I'm the manly hero of Mist, but lost it in a competitive rock paper scissors contest."

"My strategy was completely flawless. Except for one fatal flaw. Paper."


"You don't look like the manly hero of mist." The woman said distrustfully.

"It's probably the beard. Now bend over." Killer B said. What a fool. Paper always wins!


"I refuse to believe that you beat the tigers in the forest of death in a fight, then became king of them."

"They send me tributes every week. Where do you think all those giant goats come from?"

"Why would you even be in the Forest of Death to begin with?"

"To practice take-over magic!"

"Magic doesn't exist!"

"It does! The Kyuubi is a magical wizard from across the sea! He came here to teach the disciples of manliness to us lowly mortals, but taking over the Kyuubi drove him temporarily unmanly!

Also, Chakra is totally magic. It follows no laws of reality and constantly contradicts itself."

"...just admit you're lying!"

"Just admit I'm the greatest, manliest motherfucker and give me your hat! You know what? Give me a office filled with beef jerky across the hall from my weights room too or no deal!"

"It says here that you figured out how to fly but decided to not use it because 'It would make people jealous!"

"It totally would. That's why everyone in rock is so sad. Like three of them can fly and the rest can't."

"Let's just move on the the Wave report. It says that the demon brothers appeared and you 'spurred Sasuke on with your aura of manly confidence to beat the Demon Brothers.'"

"If it wasn't for me, Sasuke would have been as useless as Sakura." Naruto stated matter of factly.

"Then you claim to have caused Zabuza to drag the fight out by showboating to you because of your manly aura causing him to want to prove himself to you subconsciously."

"That one might have merit. I have no clue why I could have completed the mission effortlessly and decided to show off to a group of 12 year olds." Zabuza said.

"See! Zabuza believes me!"

"I don't. I fact I'm formally changing my opinion that the mushrooms from earlier were still in effect."

"Those were some good shrooms…" Haku said dreamily.

"... Then you claim to have forced Zabuza to move by throwing a large black dildo at Zabuza."

"I wasn't going to touch the thing, and it was too big to dodge. Where did you even get that thing?" Zabuza asked. They all turned to Naruto.

"Shadow Clone and Henge. Duh. It's not like I carry a black horse dildo around in a sealing scroll at all times for... reasons." Everyone decided not to push it.

"You distracted Zabuza from being able to cast his jutsu by flexing?"

"It was certainly Kakashi's sharingan. It wasn't like I was looking for an excuse to have a muscle-off with Naruto the whole fight." Haku blushed heavily at Zabuza bringing back up Naruto's abs.

"You caused Haku to turn into a girl by 'being just that manly'?"

"No! I caused reality to distort and erase the male Haku from the timeline whilst simultaneously creating a female version!" Naruto protested. Otherwise he'd have been banging a tranny. A hot tranny, but a tranny nonetheless. He was too manly to be with a man!

"Two samurai barged into Tazuna's house to kidnap his wife and you killed them both with a single pool ball?"

"I was balls deep man! You've gotta think on your feet!"

"Then you came to the bridge and your awesome fight with Haku caused Sasuke's Sharingan to activate?"

"I was great!"

"Naruto this is bullshit! I want a real report of just the wave mission on my desk by tomorrow night!" The Hokage yelled, losing his temper. His head was aching from all the stupidity and lies and than god-damn book reading jutsu.

"Well screw you guys, Haku, we're going home!" Naruto said as he grabbed Haku with one arm and lifted the other into the air.

He then shot through the roof of the office and flew off.

"...the fuck?" was the only response the remaining members of the room could muster.

The Hokage pulled out his Sake and poured two glasses. He set one down in front of Zabuza before throwing back his head and drinking straight from the bottle.

This seemed like a good night to forget.


A/N:

Shoutout to Steven Wright. That guy knows how to own a pony for over 22 years.

I personally have nothing against gays or trannies, but Naruto here does. It's in his character.

If you ever see someone who looks exactly like me running around writing politically correct versions of this story let me know, he needs to go back in the cage!

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

-Kishinokurobi