A/N: To my reviewers: yes, I agree that Arizona has her faults, and we'll get into those more soon. But I don't think she loves with limitations – she's afraid of being hurt. Arizona struggles to trust with her history of loss, which is one of the reasons she's hesitant to tell Callie. Callie needs to forgive Arizona and Arizona needs to learn to trust/heal from her trauma.

Aug 7

Arizona stumbled into the attending's lounge and collapsed on the couch in the corner, rubbing her aching lower back. She hadn't been on call recently, and she was dreading the long night ahead in the hospital combined with her particularly bad day of dizziness and leg problems. Arizona was a dual board-certified pediatric surgeon and neonatal surgeon now, so she knew a good bit about how pregnancy worked. It wasn't just the morning sickness symptoms they always showed on TV. In the first trimester, which Arizona was in, progesterone levels soar to aid in the fetus's growth. Progesterone increases fatigue, lowers blood pressure, and lowers blood sugar. This can lead to dizziness and exhaustion. Arizona's body was beginning to produce extra blood, so her heart had to work harder to pump blood throughout the body. Still, the exhaustion, dizziness, back pain, and tender breasts that she rationally knew should happen surprised her. Arizona lay on the couch and curled into a fetal position, with one hand resting underneath her navy scrubs on top of her belly.

About an hour later, voices woke Arizona. She groggily opened her eyes but didn't move yet. Then, she recognized the voice.

"Of course, I love her. More than anything. But!" Callie's voice was filled with energy, "But why should I trust her? She cheated on me with Lauren, who she barely knew. And then with Leah – "

"-when you were separated." Arizona recognized Meredith's voice.

"Why does that matter?" Arizona's heart fluttered anxiously – Callie's voice was filled with anger.

"Because you weren't together."

"But Lauren… after all I did for her leg… I was so patient. How do I know she won't do it again? How do I trust her? I can't!"

"You don't know she won't do it again." Meredith said, "But… I don't think she will."

"I gave her everything Meredith. I was head over heels in love with her, and all I wanted was to help her. I can't imagine ever doing anything like that to her."

"Because you and Arizona are different humans, Callie."

"What are you saying? I shouldn't be with her?"

"No," Arizona could hear the hesitation in Meredith's voice, "I'm just saying that the meaning if you slept with someone else might be different than for Arizona in the same situation."

There was silence.

"Callie, when you're with someone, from day one, you are fully devoted to that person. You can be… intense. It's beautiful and overwhelming. Arizona has had a lot of trauma in her life, and she trusts slowly. It takes a lot of time for Arizona to commit, but when she does, she mates for life."

Arizona felt shocked by how much Meredith understood her.

"I struggled with Derek, to trust him, to see a life that had children and happiness, and his desire for a house and kids scared me – trusting someone and letting yourself be completely vulnerable can be damn scary."

"But… what does this have to do with cheating?" Callie asked.

"Arizona committed, but losing her leg made her scared for her as well as you. She knows what it's like to lose someone you love. She lost part of herself, too. For her, that affair – I think, at least – didn't have that commitment. She was lost and didn't understand this dark part of herself emerging after she lost her leg. The affair was physical, about someone being attracted to the body Arizona felt detached from."

"That's your interpretation."

"And it was wrong, Callie, of course it was awful! But it wasn't love."

As entranced in the conversation as Arizona was, she started to drift off. No coffee was having its consequences.

"So… that's why you think she wouldn't do it again."

"I'm not a therapist – "

"Obviously," Callie said, and both women laughed.

"But I have enough experience with therapy and knowledge of Arizona to know that Arizona was in a dark place then, and I think she loved you the whole time, but she knew she was afraid to let you in. She was afraid to let you love the dark and twisty person she had become."

"You think she's ready?"

"It took her a long time to love herself after the plane crash and losing her leg. It took a long time for her to realize she deserved love and to let herself be vulnerable again. But, Callie. She's certain. She's been certain for a long time – since before you moved into your house, since Bailey's wedding – she wants you."

"But… why did she cheat? All this psycho-babble makes some sense, but… she cheated."

"We all screw up, Callie. I'm not going to make excuses. But it was easier for her to have meaningless, physical sex with someone who was physically attracted to her than to have sex with someone who she loved and who she was scared would love her back – someone she could hurt. Having someone love you when you're dark and twisty," Meredith sighed, "It's absolutely fucking terrifying."

"So… she took the easy way out."

"Yeah."

"I just don't understand her. I see her… and I just want to love her so badly. I can't imagine loving someone that deeply and making the choices she did…"

"Trauma," Meredith yawned, "it does a job on a person."

After a moment, Meredith continued: "Your struggle to trust her… it's probably pretty similar to how she felt before. But, Callie, I do think she's in this. She mates for life. She's in love with you – she never stopped, through all of her trauma."

"I love her, too. I'm just scared."

"You both are."

Arizona was still fast asleep. From across the room, Callie noticed Arizona's leg sitting on the seat next to the couch Arizona lay on.

"Oh, damn." Callie whispered. "Do you think she heard?"

"Would it be that bad if she did?" Meredith asked.

"No, no it wouldn't." Callie smiled and walked over to Arizona. The blond was deeply asleep, still clutching her stomach with one hand. Callie grabbed a blanket and draped it over her wife with care and quiet. "Because I do love her."


Aug 8

Arizona woke up the next morning, her back sore, but whether from pregnancy or sleeping a night on the couch, she wasn't sure. She remembered most of last night, but not all. Impulsively, she texted Callie, who had gone home at a regular hour last night.

A: Can we talk this weekend?

Surprisingly, Callie texted right back

C: I'm still thinking. But I do still love you Arizona, I don't know if you realize that.

A: I know, Callie. I know there's more to this decision than love. But I need to talk to you about something else.

C: Okay. This weekend, then.

Arizona sighed. She couldn't get out of it now. Callie was in, or Callie was out. She wanted Callie to trust her, so she needed to open up to Callie.

Arizona had a super special case today, a young girl who she had been treating for five years now. Maia had been born with the worst luck – a heart defect that had required three open heart surgeries, and now, they had discovered a mass on her bladder that, thank goodness was benign, but kept growing and could potentially impact her fertility if left to obstruct her uterus. Maia was sweet and shy, and rarely acted out like a lot of the long-term peds cases sometimes did.

"So, Dr. Grey, here is going to help me out with this surgery. Dr. Grey is so good, it's going to be a piece of cake for her."

Maia nervously smiled, revealing a mouth only half-full of teeth falling out. "But… you've always done surgery on me before… with Dr. Teddy like a Teddy bear and the other one…" Maia began to whisper, "who's always a little grumpy."

"Yes, that's because our friend Teddy is a cardiothoracic surgeon, so she works on hearts. Dr. Grey, here, works on your body parts that are" Arizona pointed to her belly, "down here." Arizona's stomach lurched. She had skipped breakfast, yet somehow, she was still nauseous. She pulled herself together, loudly uttering, "Can I tell you a secret?"

Maia squealed.

"Dr. Grey is AWESOME. She's a surgery superhero and she's going to fix you up better than anyone in this hospital."

"But… you'll be there, too."

Arizona squeezed Maia's hand. Meredith spoke this time, "Dr. Robbins will be helping me out the whole way through. She's a surgery superhero, too."

"And what you're doing… will let me have kids grow in my belly when I'm older? Like you, Dr. Robbins?"

"Well, Maia, my daughter was never in my belly, but yes, that's why we're doing it."

Maia looked at Arizona's belly, then at Meredith's. "Okay. I'm scared."

"Yeah, surgery can be pretty scary sometimes. But we'll be there the whole time." Arizona gave Maia a big hug. She loved this about peds – in other specialties, there were all these rules about boundaries. But in peds – the rules were ever evolving, and physical patient interaction was considered now to be a primary part of peds – i.e. she could hug her patients. Maia wrapped her arms around Arizona's waist. Soon, soon Arizona would have two more of her own.


"Someone was very maternal today…" Meredith joked as they walked out.

"That's just normal me!" Arizona smiled. "But, truly, pregnancy is kicking my butt. My emotions are all over the place and everything, everything hurts."

"Are you still throwing up all the time?"

"Yep, food or no food, my body thinks most evenings, and mornings are a great time for me to reject my stomach. And somehow, I'm simultaneously hungry and nauseous." Arizona's stomach growled. "And, I think I'm doing a bad job of gaining weight. My stomach feels enormous but everything else feels different."

Arizona and Meredith headed toward the cafeteria for lunch. From a distance, Arizona saw Callie watching her. Arizona's heart beat faster. They met eyes briefly before Arizona saw black dots in her vision. She heard a buzzing and knew what was coming.

"Meredith – I think I'm going to pass out," she said, but Arizona had already lost her hearing and she collapsed to the floor.