Chapter 7:
Faith pulls into a rest stop later that day. I haven't said a word since our last conversation, despite the fact that Faith keeps trying to get me to say something at least.
"You hungry, B?" She asks, knowing full well that I'm probably not going to say anything. And she's right. I could handle being called her co-worker. Or a friend. I could even handle being told we're not going to take a chance on a relationship together, of that we're not friends anymore.
But being called acquaintances is just so... cold. I don't want to be her acquaintance. An acquaintance is just someone you might say hi to in passing.
"Fine. Don't say anythin', then. But I'm hungry. I'm goin' inside and gettin' somethin' to eat. If you're hungry, come in. I'm buyin'." Faith growls as she unbuckles and get out of the car, slamming the door shut. I don't follow her in right now. Instead, I finally let the tears that have been hiding just under the surface roll out onto my cheeks as I start crying.
While I cry, I think. I just think about Faith. And me. The dreams. How we used to be. How we are now. How we might have been by now if I hadn't left.
Finally, after about twenty minutes, I feel my face, and I notice that my tears have dried up by now. I feel dehydrated now, so I give in. I reach in the glove box and pull out a napkin. I blow my nose, then use another napkin to wipe my face off. I check myself in the mirror and notice that my eyes are still very red from the crying, but my cheeks are just about back to their usual color.
So, taking a deep breath, I get out of the car and close the door gently before making my way into the rest stop. Faith looks up at me when I walk in. I'm wearing sunglasses right now to hide my puffy eyes, but the look on her face says she knows what I'm doing. She knows exactly why I'm wearing sunglasses.
So, I avoid any confrontations, and sit down at the bar, away from Faith, who's taken up a booth, obviously waiting for me.
I can feel her frustration from here, but neither of us back down.
"Can I get you something, Miss?" A woman behind the counter asks, smiling at me. She's cute. She's got deep red hair, almost like blood. Her skin is kind of pale for the people in this area, but it's still a shade or two darker than mine. She's covered in freckles, and has piercing emerald green eyes. I give her a once over, mainly because I know Faith is watching. I notice the edge of a tatoo of some kind sticking out from under the edge of her v-neck collar, just above her right breast. I think it's the tip of the wing of an eagle.
If Faith doesn't want to take a chance on us, then I guess some harmless flirting wouldn't kill anyone.
"Some ice water would be nice... Marian." I say, looking at her name tag. She smiles at me, and I grin back. I can feel Faith glaring at me, and I know she knows exactly what I'm doing. I know it's not going to work, but it's still fun trying.
"Well, one ice water coming up then..." She looks at me expectantly.
"Buffy." I say, for the first time in five years giving a complete stranger my real name.
"Buffy, then." She smiles again, and I can't help but think how similar to Faith's smile Marian's is. She takes a cup and scoops some ice into it, the turns her back to me to fill the glass up with ice. I let my eyes trail down to her ass, and I have to give her some credit. She has a nice ass. Not as nice as Faith's, but still very nice.
Marian turns back around to catch me staring at her ass. I take off my sunglasses, confident that my eyes are back to normal by now.
"Listen, Buffy..." She says low enough that I know Faith can't hear. "I'm flattered, I really am. But I just don't swing that way. I'm straight."
I make a show of sighing disappointedly, but not for Faith. "Damn. The hot ones never are."
"Sorry." She whispers.
"Well, hey, would you do me a favor?"
"What favor?" She asks, curiously.
"Would you mind keeping up appearances or something? I don't know, flirt with me or something?"
She looks at me knowingly. "Brunette in the back? Denim jacket?"
I smile. "Yeah. Good eye."
"Stalker ex-girlfriend?"
"Au contraire, Marian. Actually, it's a bit of a long story, but here's the really, really short version: I like her, and I know she likes me, too, and we've told each other that, but she's not willing to take a chance on a relationship with me. Again, long story."
"And you just want to make her see what she's missing?" She concludes.
"Pretty much." I agree.
"Okay." Marian smiles again, then leans against the counter as she hands me my glass.
"Thanks." I say, for more than the water.
She nods in understanding.
"So, where are you from?" She asks, looking over my shoulder. I look in the mirror behind her and see that Faith has moved two booths closer to us, listening in on our conversation now.
"Oh, here and there. I lived in LA most of my life, but then my parents got a divorce, so my mom and I moved to a small town north of LA."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Divorce sucks. My parents got divorced when I was ten, myself."
"I was fifteen, sixteen years old." I say. "I was going through a lot of trouble at school, and I guess it took a toll on them, especially since they were already having trouble. Anyway, my mom and I moved to Sunnydale, California." Marian freezes.
"Wait, Sunnydale?"
"Yeah... why?"
"I had some family lived there just before it caved in. Who knew about that big sinkhole, right?"
"Yeah... Who knew..." I'm on edge now, and I can feel Faith on edge, too. "Anyway, now I live down in Dallas, Texas." I explain.
"Oh yeah? Prefer big cities, do you?"
"Yeah. I'm actually kind of a local celebrity there."
"Oh yeah? What do you do?"
"I'm a fighter. I do professional MMA fighting at this fight club."
"Huh. Wouldn't have pegged you for a fighter."
I frown. "Why not?" I can hear Faith's snicker from here.
"I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to offend you, if I did. It's just... You just seem more like... You seem more... feminine... than masculine."
Faith snickers again, and I'm not sure if it's because she agrees or disagrees.
"Hey, I may be feminine, but it doesn't mean I don't know how to kick ass."
Marian puts her hands up in surrender.
"Okay, I'm sorry. So, you're a fighter?"
"Yeah. Nearly undefeated champion, in fact. I've only lost once."
If she was surprized that I'm a fighter, the shock on her face now is ten times worse.
"Wait... don't tell me... Brunette, denim jacket?" she whispers so Faith can't hear, and even with Slayer hearing, I don't think she did.
"What?"
"The only fight you've lost?"
Now I'm surprized. "Uh... yeah... How'd you-?"
"Please, I've seen enough movies to know how "coincidences" work. So... is that why...?"
I think for a minute before I realize what she's talking about.
"No. Truth is, we've known each other for years. I mean years. And... I've liked her the whole time, and she's liked me the whole time. But then, five years ago is when I moved to Dallas, and we lost touch with each other then, so these past couple days are the first we've actually seen each other in five years."
"And what, you just picked up where you left off?"
"Oh no. Right now, we're not exactly getting along. We're more "acquaintances" than friends right now. Her words, not mine." And just like that, I feel the tears starting to rise again, but I fight them down.
And then I realize that we're no longer whispering, and Faith just heard every word we said. Faith is sitting back in her original booth, tense as hell. Her plate is empty now, so she's just sitting there, her feet propped up in the chair across from her.
"Look, thanks for listening, and thanks for the water." I say to Marian.
"Yeah, it's okay." Marian goes back to work, and I grab my water and carry it over to a booth beside the one Faith is occupying.
"Really, B?" Faith growls. "I get that you're mad at me, but do ya really have to go out of your way to avoid me?"
I sigh. "Faith, just shut up, okay?" I say back. I keep the bitterness out of my voice, so it doesn't sound like an attack, and that makes Faith recoil. "Look, I just need to keep as much space between us as I can for as long as I can. You already said you're not going to take a risk like that with me. I'm trying really hard to accept that, but it's going to take time. And yes, I am mad at you. Hell, I'm downright pissed at you. But that's not why I'm trying to avoid you. I'm avoiding you because any time I'm near you, I hurt. I hurt because I want nothing more than I want to be with you, but I know I can't. I hurt because of one single word you said to me."
"Acquaintances." Faith guesses, though it's not really a guess, because she doesn't even really need to guess.
"Yes. Acquaintances. Everything you've said tome since we met again has hurt me, but that one word hurt worse than everything else put together. Because it felt like you were saying you want nothing to do with me."
"Come on, B. That's ridiculous."
"Is it? I mean, you know how I feel about you, and you say you feel the same way, but you refuse to act on it. You say if I'd asked you to come with me five years ago that you'd have dropped everything and left with me. You say that if I'd asked you to be mine five years ago, then you'd have been mine this whole time. I love you, Faith. I love you more than anything in the world, or any other worlds in any dimensions. I've been to Heaven, Faith. I've been to the real deal. And if I had the choice, I'd give up Heaven all over again if I thought that you and me could have a future together, because as much as I loved being in Heaven, I love you even more. I love you more than I ever loved Angel, or Riley. But you... you say you love me, but you call us nothing more than acquaintances."
"What about you, B?"
"What about me?" Now the bitterness is creeping into both of our voices.
"I could say the same things about you, B."
"What?! No, I never used the word "acquaintances" to describe us! Not out loud, not in my head, not in my heart!"
"B, I've already told you how I feel. You say you love me, and how you want to try and have some kinda relationship with me, but for as long as I've known you, you've been pushin' me away. There was a brief period of time when we had somethin' close to real friendship, maybe even a possible relationship. But when I first showed up in Sunny-D, granted, we pushed each other away, but that was probably just the attraction to each other actin' up. Neither of us had ever been attracted to a girl before, and then all of a sudden, we were both attracted to each other. But then, things got better, B. I actually kind of held out hope that maybe I could have somethin' with ya. And I never hoped for that with anyone before. Yeah, I'm the first move type, but that doesn't mean you can't make the first move instead, ya know. But then, all at once, things went to the crapper. I made a mistake, and you still won't let it go, no matter how hard I try to make up for it."
"Faith, I don't care that you killed a man. Not anymore. And let's not forget that you pushed me away first. Once Gwendolyn Post was... transferred..." I have to use other words than what I really mean, because of the very public area we're in right now. "As soon as she was gone, you started pushing me away again. You refused to trust me. Maybe if you'd have just trusted me, things would have turned out differently."
"Oh, I don't have a doubt in my mind that things woulda been different if I'd trusted you. But point is, I didn't. Doesn't matter now. But once I accidentally killed Finch, everythin' was shot to hell."
"You tried to blame it on me!" I hiss.
"See? You still won't let that go. When I did that, you pushed me away. I could understand it then, but I tried to reach out to you after that. I tried to help you guys out by joinin' the Mayor, figurin' I might be able to get some inside info on him and pass it along to ya, but you would never hear me out. Then, you just burst into my apartment and tried to kill me."
"You poisoned Angel."
"I gave him a low dose. If you guys woulda waited a bit longer, then his body woulda fought it off on its own. I told you that in the note I attached to the arrow when I shot him."
"There was no note. Just the arrow that went straight through his heart."
"It wasn't wood. I knew it wouldn't kill him. But what do you mean there was no note? I attached it to the arrow before I even fit it to the string."
"There was no note, Faith."
Faith curses under her breath. "Fine. Then I guess it fell off or somethin'. You never got the note. My point is, I wasn't tryin' to kill Angel. I was only tryin' to make it look like I was. For the Mayor's sake, ya know. Last thing I expected was for you to barge into my apartment and attack me."
"You tried to kill me."
"No, I was tryin' to defend myself. You wouldn't give me enough time to explain myself. I wanted out, B. That's what I was tryin' to tell you. I was tryin' to tell you that I was really just spyin' on the Mayor for you guys, and that I wanted out. That I wanted back in with the group. I was gonna help you guys beat him. But if you'd have just let me speak, then I wouldn't have ended up in a fuckin' coma for eight months. Eight months that I coulda spent gettin' everythin' back to the way it was, and maybe even makin' things better between you and me, maybe started that relationship we both wanted back then. But then I woke up, and you already had someone new. It hurt, but you know, whatever. From your perspective, I was still just an evil bitch, so I could understand that. Then, when I show up at your house, you try to kill me all over again."
"You were holding my mom hostage."
Faith throws her hands up in surrender. "Look, whatever, B. You want me to be the bad guy, fine. I'll be the bad guy. You happy? It's all my fault that we can't be together. 'Cause you never did anything wrong. You never made any mistakes."
"I didn't say that."
"Okay, then. Your mistakes were all small, insignificant ones, right?"
"No. I mean... I left..."
"That's right. You left, B. I didn't. You did. We were finally buildin' things back up again, trustin' each other again. We were almost back to bein' friends, and then who knows what coulda come from that. But instead of warnin' me, or even leavin' a fuckin' note...!" Faith fights down her own tears, then shakes her head. She stands up abruptly, walks up to the counter and pays for my water and her meal. I look around and see everyone in the rest stop staring at me.
Sighing, I stand up and follow Faith out of the diner.
She's waiting for me outside, sitting on the hood of her car.
I walk over to her and sit down on the window ledge on the building across from her.
"You didn't warn me you were leaving. You didn't call. You didn't text. You didn't even leave a note. You just left." Faith says softly, and I can smell the saltiness of her tears from here. I don't say anything. She needs to get this out. "You never told anyone. You never even hinted to anyone that you were gonna leave. You just left me. We were the only ones who could ever understand each other, and you just threw that away. You didn't just leave, you left me. I've got friends. I've got co-workers. I've got acquaintances. I've got plenty of all of those. But ever since you left... I've felt so... alone. This whole time, I've been lookin' for you, hopin' that once I found you, everythin' would be alright, everythin' would make sense again. We could be together finally. But instead, I'm more confused than ever. And only once I finally find you do I finally realize how bad you really hurt me. You say you're hurtin' 'cause I won't take a chance with you, but you really have no idea how badly you hurt me when you left with no warnin' or explanation. And that's why I won't take a chance.
"But right now, we need to set everythin' else aside, and act like it's five years ago, and we're finally startin' to trust each other again. 'Cause the world needs savin', and only we have the strength and world-savin' experience needed to pull this off. Which means we're gonna need to be able to work together."
