What I Want

Spock had not spent much time lately concerned with heavy issues. There was balance in his family life, his marriage (specifically), his work and his interests. He taught, went on brief expeditions, dedicated certain amounts of time each day to each child accordingly, and built rapport with coworkers at the academy. His assistant was not overbearing. His supervisors did not distress him. Life was content. Things were well with him and the entire clan. "Mr. Spock!" He heard a call out from a further distance than he would have wanted to be called from.

"Captain," he said, politely as James Kirk approached him.

"Good to see ya." The man informed him and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"I am not sure why it is that I am seeing you, Captain."

"We had to stop in for some repairs and some remodeling. Blew off a portion of the girl on a mission. We'll be here for a little bit. Some of the crew will go do other things. Personally, I am planning on getting back on exploration as soon as possible. So… What do you have going on? I want to see if I can get you on something…" Spock heard himself sigh as Jim went on about all of the plans that he presumed would include Spock and probably assumed that Spock would be willing to be included in, without asking or checking on his current situation…

"Jim." They looked at each other, Captain Kirk, now silent. "I will have to consult my schedule and with my wife before agreeing to such drastic changes in our agenda."

"I thought that you were the agenda person," he said.

"I am best at preparing the agenda, but I do not impose one on Lt. Uhura or the rest of our family."

Seamlessly, Kirk moved on, "The family! I'm SO excited to see them. How's that daughter? I'll bet she's a firecracker, like her mom." Spock tilted his head ever so slightly, not about to argue with that illogical rambling of words. "Wait. Is she not? Is she a daddy's girl?" Jim was full of excitement. Spock tried to keep his own to a minimum.

"She resembles her father more than she does her mother," Spock answered. He would go as far as to think that she didn't even really seem to like her mother much, outside of milk and necessary infant affection.

"I think she looks just like Uhura, except the whole," he traced a circle in front of his own face, "You know, the Vulcanics of her face." Spock's even face didn't seem to change, but Kirk sensed a frown. "I mean DNA. Really, eyebrows. I meant the ears and the eyebrows. It's basically all that you give them."

"If we exclude the rest of their genetic material, beyond their facial appearances, the time and energy of raising them, providing sustenance, guidance, logic…"

"I meant appearance wise. You don't have to be so literal all of the time." They stood for a moment, in silence, then Kirk said, "Well… I know that you never have idle time, so I will let you get back to whatever you were doing and I will get to hunting down Lt. Uhura to see about finessing your agenda." Spock opened his mouth to refute, but Nyota was coming out of a door and Kirk spotted her and called out (just as loudly as he had before), "Uhura!" Spock sighed again, and went back to what he was doing.

"You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, Spock. Nobody can make you, not even Captain Kirk."

"Yes, I know this and understand it," he said, preparing Sanaa's baby food, while she readied other elements of dinner.

"Then, you have your answer for Captain Kirk. Tell him that you don't want to."

"It is not an issue of whether or not I want to…"

"You have no logical reason not to go." She said, tired of this circular conversation in which Spock dimply was suggesting that he didn't want to participate in Kirk's assignment, but clearly would not just say that.

Sure, he had responsibilities. They both did. But, why would he be so against this, unless of course he didn't feel confident leaving her alone? "I can mix that plomeek baby formula. I can check a clock to see that Styik has dedicated the appropriate amount of time to his studies and research. I can make sure that Sytar has had the correct amount of nutritional value in his diet. What is it that you think I do here? Just offer hugs, quotes, and breast milk to the smallest? That I work all day so I can chill out & be cool mom without rules, regulations, restrictions or reservations? You do realize that I let you handle all of those things because the meticulous nature of them is important to you, right? Who do you think takes care of our children when you are on an expedition, or working overtime on the bridge, or having seemingly endless moments of meditation? Did you think that the ship was helping to fill in the blanks? Because, Mister Spock, have I got news for you. These things that you do are a small percentage of the things that our children actually need and the things that you do aren't the things that human children take into memory and account of value. They are basic needs. You provide what you must. I'm the one here giving above and beyond and working a full time job, as well. So, I don't take up extra shifts or do side experiments, because I want to make sure that I am here to do the portion that I do. And you can be here to do the portion that you do, if you're so inclined. But, don't make this out to be like you have a duty to be here non-stop and do all of these things to wiggle your way out of one of Kirk's ventures. Because, I refuse to be insulted that way…" Sanaa began crying in her nursery. Nyota took a deep breath and left the room to go check on her.

Spock set down the instruments, wondering if he should follow to clarify or if his reluctance had triggered anger that would only take his correction as condescending? Sometimes it was unclear.

She came back with a crying baby, and mentioned, "I guess you think that I need you to stop this, too?" "This" meaning Sanaa's cries. Spock was not going to take this time to point out to her the fact that he was better at this, effortlessly.

"What would be the problem in admitting that you do need me?" He wondered.

"What would be the problem in admitting that you do want to be here with me, instead of acting like you have to be here?" She asked right back. Sanaa wrestled and wrangled away from her mother, reaching out for Spock.

He accepted the baby and she quieted down, breathing heavily and glaring at Nyota. "She didn't mean it," Spock told her. "Your father is sometimes not very considerate of her feelings and when she gets hurt by this, she sounds angry. Really, she isn't mean or mad." He rubbed the back of Sanaa's head and said softly, "I am sorry, Nyota. It was not my intention to insist that I did not want to be here, nor to depict that you require my doing so. I simply did not wish to express the feelings about leaving my family right now to explore with Captain Kirk."

"You don't have to express your feelings, Spock… But… You don't have to repress them either. Not with me. Not with us. Tell me that you are not willing to go, and I will accept it. Add the qualifier that you are not willing to go because you think that the kids will not have a responsible, logical parent around and how am I supposed to take that?"

"That is not what I was suggesting." He took a deep breath, offered a small toothless smile and admitted, "I was going to say that it is not an issue of whether or not I want to go, because I certainly do not want to. The reason that I do not want to is because I do not wish to be an outsider in my own family. This has happened to me in the past, on New Vulcan. The trip to Earth was to be an experience to ensure that we do not again become a family divided, with me on the outside of the dynamic. It is perfectly logical, because people with healthy family relationships and interactions make for more successful and physically well citizens. The issue is with convincing the captain that I have a logical reason that will be acceptable to him. He does not listen to me very often."

Nyota wrapped her arms around herself and winced, "I am so sorry. I should have given you a chance to speak. I felt like we've been having this talk for hours and I thought the worse. That's insecurity on my part." She walked over to him, stood in front of him, leaned up and looked at his mouth. Spock took only a moment to shift Sanaa away from their path and lean into the kiss. Sanaa stared at them with furrowed brows.

What had just happened? They were arguing, hurt, mad and sad, and now… they were putting their bodies together. She wrestled again, until Spock set her down on the floor. She crawled away, quickly, got some distance, looked at them, took a seat on the floor and watched them interacting. Their foreheads were pressed together and they were holding hands. At least nobody seemed to be mad. Nobody seemed upset. They seemed to be better, for having done this.

She crawled over to the dinner table, hoisted herself up to stand and watched them some more. They didn't seem to want to part, but Spock went back to preparing food, after another small kiss and Nyota was coming for her.

"Are you hungry?" She asked, collecting her from under the table and putting her in her high chair, "Daddy's getting your dinner ready right now. Your brothers will be around soon, too. I know you miss them with all the talking that you had to listen to from us." Nyota put a bib around Sanaa's neck and said softly, "I'm sorry for talking mean to your father. What I said was correct, but the way that I handled that was not. When you care about people, you give them a chance to share with you. They might not always give you the response you want when you want it. Let them have the time they need to communicate. I don't always do that correctly and before all is said and done, you will see me be a not very nice person sometimes. I just hope that you grow up knowing that even though I don't always do the right thing, I will always do what I think is right and best for you." She touched the tip of Sanaa's nose.

Styik came inside with Captain Kirk holding Sytar. "Found this old thing in the activity center," he announced, monotoned.

Kirk declared, "I found them and made it my mission to rescue an adorable toddler from a quantum physics lecture."

Styik quickly corrected, "It was hardly a lecture. I was simply sharing some light reading."

Spock commented, "There is no fault in giving information to children, whether or not they are currently able to dissect all of it. Just moments ago, Lt. Uhura shared words of wisdom with an infant who does not yet speak. She will, however remember."

Kirk set Sytar down and he ran into the kitchen to see what was for dinner. Kirk immediately went over to Sanaa and she tensed up and grabbed her high chair. "Hello, Sanaa. I am Uncle Jim. James Tiberius Kirk. Captain of the Enterprise. Sort of boss man to your mom & dad."

"When we're on the ship," Nyota reminded him.

"Other times too!" Kirk said. "Speaking of…"

"I have thought about your invitation and have decided to decline," Spock said as he moved towards Sanaa with her dinner. "I find it more pleasing to spend my time with my family until we board the Enterprise. If you find an assignment that will not proceed into the next day, I will consider it."

Nyota said softly, "Styik if you could help me grab dinner."

"Of course, Mother."

Jim sighed took a seat next to Sanaa at the dinner table, to her obvious disagreement. He laughed to himself and said, "Of course you don't want to be away from your family for two weeks. Kind of a bullheaded thing of me to ask."

"I did not find it surprising, Captain." Spock said, feeding Sanaa as she continued to examine this man next to her.

"And you can't leave Uhura with all of this…"

"She would handle everything admirably in my absence." Spock answered instantly.

"Yeah, but she shouldn't have to. Besides… Daddy's Girl is already not a fan. I take you for 14 days and she'll never smile at me."

"I am not convinced that she will, at any rate. She is quite resistant to even Lt. Uhura's charm."

"So not only is she definitely your daughter, but she's more Spock than you are?"

Sanaa and Spock both sighed in tandem. Kirk laughed. Nyota and Styik came back in with dishes. Sytar climbed onto his booster seat. Sanaa was finishing up her bowl. Kirk stood up, to give them privacy. "I will probably see you in a couple of weeks, before the Enterprise takes off again."

"You may stay for dinner, if it pleases you," Spock told him.

"I've already made plans, Mr. Spock. Lt. Uhura, lovely place. Styik, see you hanging around the ship maintenance. Sytar, be good. Sanaa…" She stared at him. "Nice to meet you."