Professor Ahlgrim, the Astronomy teacher, was fairly well liked. He let students use his thousand-Galleon telescope to look at clusters of cities on the Continent, rarely assigned essays, and could usually be counted on to write excuse notes if a student overslept after a night of stargazing.

He did, however, believe that crater maps and star charts were the absolute most vital part of a Hogwarts education. To that end, when there was a streak of unusually clear weather and a very bright moon a few days after Severus' final altercation with Black and Potter, he had had alternating classes of first-years out on the Astronomy tower at midnight for a week. Aside from general grouchiness and sleep deprivation everyone felt, there was just one other issue: Severus was not fond of the magic associated with moonlight. To say the least.

Even after he had graduated from Hogwarts, his dream-self had been perpetually sleepless on nights when primal magic saturated every root, leaf, twig, and rock, when wild things came out to play. He had learned his lesson years ago, when a creature out of a nightmare had almost vivisected him and scattered the remains. Even now, years and a lifetime distant, even before the sky darkened to perfect velvet and the moon became wholly visible, Severus always felt its presence as soon as it crossed over the horizon; a shiver shuddering down his spine that urged him to take shelter indoors.

Naturally, this made Astronomy classes hell.

Naturally, Severus was lucky enough to have class the night of the full moon.

Naturally, Professor Ahlgrim wanted them to trace its path across the sky, so they were scheduled to be outside starting at moonrise, just as the sun was setting.

Ravenclaw was with Slytherin, which always meant basic back-and-forth insults and some Slytherins getting caught trying to copy off a Ravenclaw's paper. This time, however, there was dead silence. It grew more pronounced as the moon's jaundiced eye peered over the far-off mountains. The students watched the sun sink with looks of dismay, huddled together in the middle of the tower. Professor Ahlgrim's reassurances fell flat. Something about this moon threatened. The sun had halfway disappeared already. Severus held his breath, waiting. One of the Slytherins whimpered under his breath. The moon was straining to crest the tallest peak. The smallest sliver of molten gold clung to the horizon. Someone shivered violently against his shoulder.

The sun set.

The moon rose.

And the screaming started.

Some tortured creature keened with all the agony it knew, an agony that increased tenfold with every passing moment. Professor Ahlgrim jerked so hard he almost dropped his thousand-Galleon telescope. Uttering an expletive unsuitable for the ears of impressionable small children, he barked, "Class is over. Everyone, inside."

Severus trailed after the others, glancing first over the tower's chest-high wall in the direction of the Whomping Willow and the monster that it protected. Of course, it wasn't a human screaming—or it wasn't quite a human, at least. Severus knew what it was, even if Professor Ahlgrim didn't.

Werewolf.

Severus didn't sleep that night—he couldn't. Every time he shut his eyes he remembered the bloody glint of moonlight upon teeth, the slow spread of sticky-warm saliva across his collarbones, the rank breath against his throat. His bedcovers seemed to him the weight of twisted paws on his chest, pinning him down. He remembered the hunt, how the creature had advancing, coughing growls emitting like malevolent chuckles; the coppery taste of terror in his mouth. He remembered being pulled to safety by the person he hated most in the world, and worst of all he relearned the bitter truth of it all—the world would always side against him.

Always had, and always would.

Dumbledore had called it a prank. Sirius Black had almost gotten away with murder. And Severus had been told to be grateful to Potter.

With these thoughts seething in his mind, Severus lay wide-awake and wide-eyed til the desolate howling faded into ragged silence and he could push the memories back where they belonged.


Sirius ran up slab stone stairs embedded into the side of a mountain/mist curled around his head/mist settled in his lungs/the air was heavy and sweet/with the smell of green things/growing things/a jungle on a mountainside/mountains floating past him through the mist/Sirius ran past Remus/sitting on a stone step/sitting in a silver cage/head buried in his hands/a classic carriage of despair

like he'd been carved out of stone/Michelangelo's protégé/brown eyes/grieving eyes/eyes like dead leaves floating in a pond/wet/delicate/so easy to tear apart

eyes that welcomed/eyes that damned/yes his eyes were damning now/looking at him/blame/blame/guilt and blame/teeth bared in a mockery of a smile/Remus' teeth that bloodied his own lips/blame guilt/self-blame self-guilt/what's the difference/there's no difference/not to him

Sirius ran on/ran on/feet thudding on wet slick stone/so easy/so easy to slip/lungs burning/looking for/looking for something/looking for what

there/Lily there/hair like fire/wildfire hearthfire/devours/destroys/warms/welcomes/leaning over a deep round green pool/green like her eyes/there had been less water in her eyes once

Lily Lily dressed in white/white like innocence/white like lies/white like Ophelia/drowning/drowned amongst her flowers

careful/Sirius shouted/careful/don't fall in/don't get over your head/careful Lily/don't let it put out your flame

but she leaned over farther/hair hanging down/a curtain/pressed her hands into the water/brought it to her mouth/drank deeply/gasped/cried out

because knowing hurts/a lesson Sirius knew only too well

Sirius wanted to stop by her/help her/but he was still running/still looking for something/and besides anyhow/she had made her own choice/there was nothing he could do for her now

isn't life just choices/choices/better not make the wrong choices/what are the wrong choices/you never know until it's too late

Sirius ran on/ran on/feet thudding on wet slick stone/so easy/so easy to slip/lungs burning/looking for/looking for something/looking for what

a boy/no/a man/a man without a hand/Peter/the man was Peter/what happened to Peter's hand

Peter looking down at it like he didn't understand it either

then Peter looked up/Peter's eyes were wrong/they weren't soft anymore/they were hard/excited/a smile like a rat/a greedy smile/greedy for what/Sirius didn't know/Peter knew/Peter knew what he was greedy for/Peter reached out/tried to snatch at Sirius/Peter grabbed at Sirius' legs/Sirius stumbled/Peter crowed in victory/Sirius got away/he didn't know how/running on four legs instead of two/he got away from the man with no hand/the man with the silver hand/he left Peter howling/Sirius didn't dare look back/he ran on

Sirius ran on/ran on/feet thudding on wet slick stone/so easy/so easy to slip/lungs burning/looking for/looking for something/looking for what

ahead/a path that diverged from his/a path that didn't go where he wanted to go/he ran past/but as he passed/he turned his head to see/curiosity killed the cat after all

a figure walking down the path/a shadowed figure/a figure wreathed in darkness/a figure Sirius knew only too well/Sirius skidded to a halt on wet slick stone

Regulus/don't go down there/you don't have to go there/Reggie/Reggie/can you hear me/Regulus come back

Regulus didn't even turn his head/he walked into the dark/into the tangle of brambles/into the web of lies/with sure and steady footsteps/a sure and steady stride

Sirius wept/he shuddered/he ran on/because/Regulus had chosen/and so Regulus would die

night suddenly/mist exchanged for biting winds/mountains now a flat broad plain/a playing field/a Quidditch field/goals at either side looming/looming/silhouetted silver against the sky/like dreamcatchers/but these caught the good dreams not the bad/caught the good dreams/burnt them away

Frank there/Alice there/smiling shyly/under the goalposts/Frank reached out for Alice's hand/Alice smiled and gave it/Sirius shouted/hands outstretched

wait/he cried/wait/don't you know you'll die

he gritted his teeth/closed his streaming eyes—

Sirius ran on

Sirius ran on/ran on/feet thudding on wet slick stone/so easy/so easy to slip/lungs burning/looking for/looking for something/looking for what

his path again branched off/to where Regulus had gone/Snape stood there/blocking the path/one foot on and one foot off/undecided or lying/draped in black robes/mourning robes/robes with long sleeves that concealed/past sins and past regrets

get out of my way/Sirius said

Snape smiled a colorless smile/I'm not in your way/even if I'd like to be

he held up two hands/a potion in each hand/one gray as dirty water/one bright as a phoenix's tears

choose/he said/one will kill you/the other will save you/pick your poison/Sirius Black

I don't want to/Sirius said

you'll get one or the other eventually/Snape said/choose while you still have the choice/choose or I'll choose for you

not now/Sirius said/and ran on

Sirius ran up slab stone stairs embedded into the side of a cliff/sea spray curled around his head/sea spray settled in his lungs/the air was sharp and salty/with the smell of dead things/living things/an ocean under a starry night/nebulas spinning through the sky/feet thudding on wet slick stone/stone crusted with thick white salt/white like purity/white like lies

there/Andy/walking down the steps/walking down the cliff/walking away from Sirius/holding something to her chest/he met her eyes/she smiled/ruefully

come with me/he said

my daughter/she replied/and walked on

Sirius ran on/eyes stinging with salt/there/there/Cissy there/holding something to her chest/walking down a path like Regulus' path/a path across the cliff face/dangerously close to the vicious waves/the breaking waves/the waves that tore and ate/he called out to her/holding out a hand/she turned and met his eyes

come with me/he said

my son/she replied/and walked on

Sirius ran on/ran on/feet thudding on wet slick stone/so easy/so easy to slip/lungs burning/looking for/looking for something/looking for what

Sirius ran up slab stone stairs embedded into the side of a tower/sunlight curled around his head/heat settled in his lungs/the air was strong and shaking/with the smell of iron and stone/a prison in the middle of nowhere/clouds hanging in the sky/stairs winding around the tower/up/up/up/until he reached a door/a red door/red as cherry popsicles/red as well-aged wine/red as arterial blood/a knocker like a lion's head/Sirius knocked and waited and waited

but he was done with waiting—

he put his shoulder to the door and pushed/pushed with all his might/the door swung open/James stood at the window/his back to Sirius

James turned/Sirius recoiled/James's mouth was red/red/red/red like arterial blood/red like the door with the lion's head/James laughed/smiled/wholly at his ease/held up a cherry popsicle/half-eaten/dripping red/James flung it away/wiped at his mouth/but only managed to smear the red/red like well-aged wine/red like arterial blood

catch me/James said

Sirius laughed/I have/you're here

no/James said/I'm not

and he was gone/the curtains fluttered at his passage/Sirius threw himself at the window/looked down/nothing there except James/running down a dusty road/Sirius cursed/slapped a hand down on the hot stone windowsill/hurdled over it/hurled himself over to follow James

falling/falling/then impact/rattling his teeth/jarring his spine/no more than a moment to compose himself/he had to follow James

Sirius ran down a wide dirt road lined with tall leafy trees/sweat curled around his head/dust settled in his lungs/the air was dry and cool/with the smell of water and shadow/a road in the middle of a forest/leading to nowhere in particular/dark clouds lurking in the sky/at the edge of the sky/James ran before him/just within his sight/running pell-mell/headlong/recklessly/like he always did

James/Sirius shrieked/James wait for me

catch me/James screamed back/Sirius barely heard him over the blood pounding in his ears/his feet pounding at the road/the breaths pounding in his lungs

James ran past meadows/streams/burnt-out factories/hills pocked with bomb craters and littered with shells/houses still and empty with their doors swung open on rusty hinges/cataracts and straining dams/all the while running hard/Sirius couldn't catch him

James ran into a town/silent and haunted/shop signs swinging on broken hinges/windows shattered and gaping open/James ran past it all/Sirius ran behind him/always behind him/the dark clouds were overhead now/rain hit dry-baked earth like wishes/like curses/like regrets/rain made mud in Sirius' eyes/under Sirius's feet/Sirius ran on/ran on/feet thudding on wet slick earth/so easy/so easy to slip/lungs burning/running after James/always running after James

running toward a house on a hill/old and imposing/paint peeling off the siding/gargoyles standing sentinel at their spouts/Sirius ran on/ran on/trying to catch James over wet slick earth/so easy/so easy to slip

he slipped

James darted ahead/up the slab stone stairs embedded in the side of the hill/layered with mud and rain water/he ran up the steep stairs/he disappeared behind the door/Sirius scrambled to pick himself up/scrabbled in the mud to find his footing/ran head-down/arms pumping at his sides

Sirius ran up slab stone stairs embedded into the side of a hill/rain soaked his head/rain settled in his lungs/the air was heavy and dull/with the smell of river water/clay and mud/a ghost town on a hillside/running up broad gray stairs/slabs of stone half-buried in the earth/overgrown with moss and peat/mottled and smooth with age/up/up/up/until he reached a door/a green door/green as peat bogs/where bodies are sunk and hidden/green as forests or jungle pools/green as putrid jealousy/green as Lily's eyes/a knocker like a serpent's mouth/Sirius knocked and waited and waited

but he was done with waiting—

he put his shoulder to the door and pushed/pushed with all his might/the door swung open

James did not stand there/Bellatrix did

Bellatrix/eyes like coals or tortured fireflies/bloodless mouth and bloodied hands/James lay still behind her/motionless and breathless on the floor behind her/James lay on the floor behind her/in a pool of red/red as the red on his mouth/red as well-aged wine/red as arterial blood

Sirius screamed

Bellatrix reached out to Sirius/reached out to where he stood/Bellatrix shoved him hard in the chest/hit him with her bloody hands/shoved him off balance over the steps/he fell backwards/always falling/but this time he did not land, he just kept falling, falling, falling—

Sirius Black fell through the Veil, and then he woke up.