This story is rated for mature audiences only. There are drugs, alcohol, and adult themes in this story. Do not read if you are under 18! Please do not try any of this at home! This is a sad story, but it will have a happily ever after, eventually. This chapter will start out in the future, have a flashback, and then end in the future again.

Just to clarify, Edward and Bella are 29 years old. He was 14 when he started using and has been sober for 15 years. Jasper is 34 and Alice is 31.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story is mine.

Please read and review. Thank you to all of those who have. Special thanks to Cullenfan524 and faniac who have reviewed every chapter. Your reviews let me know I must be doing something right.

Chapter 7: Why Now

BPOV

"Uh…Bella…Hey. This is Edward. Um…Edward Cullen. I wanted…I just called to say…Listen. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. About Charlotte. I know what she meant to you. I wanted…no I needed to tell you that. I wanted to talk to you before the funeral. I hoped maybe I could talk to you before then. Well, if you get this message, call me. Please. My number is 426-7399. Please call me."

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here staring at my answering machine like it is some monster that is going to attack. I know I should be getting ready, but I can't seem to move, can't seem to break through the numbness that has washed over me since I heard the message. The message from him.

Edward. Even thinking his name causes a squeeze around my heart and my chest to tighten.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that it was too sunny outside, too bright and too beautiful of a day to be going to a funeral for my best friend. My only friend.

It was a long time before I fell asleep last night. Images that were long forgotten, that I had tried to bury, were resurfacing, drowning me, dragging me under. What little sleep I had had been fitful and restless doing more damage than good because the images seemed more real than dreamlike.

Finally I figured no mo matter how much I didn't want face the day, I had to. Going through the motions of showering and getting dressed for the funeral, I knew would do little to calm me, but would move this day forward whether I wanted it to or not.

Turning on the water as hot as I could stand, I stepped under the spray. The shower did little to relieve my tension. My muscles were knotted and achy from trying so hard to hold myself together.

Just a little while longer.

As I was drying myself off, the phone rang. I tried to get to it before the machine picked it up, figuring it was Charlotte's mom making sure there was nothing else to be done before visitation started this afternoon. She had relied on me to help with the funeral arrangements, the flowers for the casket and even the clothes for Charlotte to wear.

When the machine picked it up, I was actually relieved that for another few moments I had some more time to myself. It was becoming more and more difficult to hold myself together. That was, until I heard his voice, sounding out, loud and clear through the room as if he was standing right here beside me. His voice seemed deeper now, I guess with age, but still, I would know that voice anywhere. It was a voice that constantly haunted my dreams, sometimes my nightmares.

Pressing my fingers against my eyes, I willed myself not to cry. It would not do any good to breakdown now. I had to be strong not only for myself, but for Charlotte's parents. Just a little while longer, I continued to chant in my head. Once this is all over, I will have one less thing to worry about. But that does not ease my mind.

My shield has been my protection for so long. The shield, that I had built up like a huge wall, encasing my heart, to protect myself from more pain and heartbreak all those years ago. Fifteen years ago to be exact. Still though, no matter how thick my shield was or how close I held it to me, things slipped by.

All those years ago, I had forced myself to bury my feelings deep inside, never to reveal to anyone how I really felt. Nor would I ever allow myself to feel anything that I knew would eventually hurt me. Never again would I give anyone the chance to break me like I had been broken. There was no way I would allow myself to be hurt the way I was hurt before. The pain was more than I could bear again.

I can remember like it was yesterday when I knew that I had to protect my heart, my very soul, from anymore damage.

~*~

There was an overwhelming need in me to tell Edward my feelings for him. Somehow I had convinced myself that if he knew that I loved him, cared about him and what happened to him, that he would stop the self destructive path that he was traveling down.

After I heard them talking about going car surfing, I panicked. At first I approached Charlotte, hoping against hope that if I could persuade her, that she would help me convince Edward. That was a huge mistake, one of many that I had and would make concerning Charlotte and Edward.

"I don't care what you say Bella. It's not that big of a deal. I'm doing it no matter what you say. Don't ruin this for me. Or for him. He needs this like I do." Charlotte snapped at me.

"It is a big deal. You could both get killed. And I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want him to get hurt. I love you both so much." My voice cracked at the end.

"You need to realize Bella that not all of us can be as good as you and still be happy. People like me and Edward, we need to do things like this because it is the only thing that can make us happy." Charlotte's words were laced with sarcasm and hate. It wasn't the first time that she had said something like that to me and I knew it wouldn't be the last.

When I knew that Charlotte wasn't going to be any help, I forced to realize that I would have to face Edward alone. Talking to him, begging him hadn't gone any better than it did with Charlotte. For the first time, I walked away from him when he had asked me to stay. But there was no way that I could watch him get hurt.

I waited for them to come back. Each second I sat there, dread filled me, consumed me making me fear the worst. The more I sat there, the more I convinced myself that I would tell him how I felt. Maybe if he knew that he was loved, then he might not make the rash decisions he made.

When they pulled in the driveway, only Edward emerged from the car which made my heart take a sudden leap into my throat worrying that Charlotte had been hurt. Edward told me she had already gone home, which I thought was strange, but when it comes to Charlotte, nothing surprised me. Later I found out that she had met back up with Mitchell and Jeff to go to a party.

Edward didn't want to go home, so I offered to let him stay at my house and I could tell that he was relieved, but when I told him that I needed to talk to him, I could see the tension return. He asked me to wait until later stating he was tired and I didn't object because that gave me more time to gather the strength to tell him what I wanted to say.

The next morning, I made him breakfast, waiting until he was finished to talk to him. The anticipation of opening myself up to Edward was making me nervous. I could tell that he was nervous too.

Telling him went much worse than I had thought it would. I had always believed that if he knew how I felt that he would see it as pity instead of love and that would make him mad. I also thought that he would never feel for me the way he felt for Charlotte. Unfortunately I was right about that part.

The words came easier than I thought they would. It seemed so natural telling him that I cared for him and that I loved him. And when I was finished, I decided that I would kiss him to show him that my love was not pity, and not just friendship, but my true feelings.

Cautiously I kissed him, pressing my lips to his. His lips were soft and seemed to fit perfectly with mine. Slowly I crawled into his lap running my fingers into his hair like I had longed to do. As I began to deepen the kiss, he didn't respond, instead he pushed me away. Rejection, disappointment and shame coursed through me, and I had to turn away so he wouldn't see the hurt in my eyes or the tears that were starting to fill them.

Then he told me exactly what I had suspected since the first day Charlotte stepped into his life, he liked her. He told me that she understood him and without him saying I knew that he felt like they were alike. Silently I wondered if he knew that she didn't understand herself and she wasn't capable of loving herself much less him. Deep down I knew that it wasn't her that attracted him, but the things she did. But I just couldn't argue with him at that moment because I didn't have the strength.

He left when he was finished. He asked if I would come to Jeff's that night, but I made up a lame excuse because I knew that I couldn't face him, not yet, not until I could be around him and have my feelings under control. I could tell that he was angry, but I wasn't sure why and couldn't find it in me to care or ask.

My tears fell freely once he was gone. The feeling of rejection was something that I had never experienced before and was something that I knew I never wanted to feel again. I had never hurt like this before, but of course I had never loved before. And considering what I had just happened, I still loved him.

There was an inexplicable pull that I felt towards him, and had since the first time I had truly become aware of him. Something tugged at my heart and my soul, drawing me to him. It didn't matter that he didn't want me the way that I wanted him or that there would probably never be a chance of us being together. There was just something inside me that was drawn to him, and I couldn't stop myself.

Showing affections and love in my family wasn't something that we did freely. My mother was more open with her affections and was a very touch feely person, but I shied away from the contact. I was more like my father, whom kept his feelings to himself. It was a wonder that my mother and him had stayed together as long as they had considering my father was so closed off, but she loved him the way he was. We knew how to love; we just didn't show it physically.

So the first time I had ever tried to show my love to someone physically, I was rebuffed. Not only had Edward rejected my love, but he physically pushed me away as well. That brought on another type of hurt. Was I not good enough for him? Was I not pretty enough? So many questions ran through my head with what I thought was the only answer. It was me. I was not enough of anything for him.

My mother came to check on me since I had been holed up in my room all day. She knew it wasn't like me. She knew that on the weekends I hung out with Edward and Charlotte. Even though my mother and father didn't approve of their choices, they trusted me and knew that I would never do what they did. My mother had always hoped that Edward and Charlotte would see that life could be good without drugs by my example. My hope was the same, but hopes are like wishes, they don't always come true.

As soon as she asked me what was wrong, I broke down unable to handle these feelings by myself. Renee held me while I cried. Any other time I wouldn't let her do that, but this time I needed it. This time I needed to be held, because the one I really wanted to hold me, didn't want me. Since I had already opened myself up to the hurt, I told my mother everything. Told her that I loved Edward, that I expressed my feelings to him, how he had told me he cared for Charlotte and not me, not in the way I wanted him to anyway.

"First loves are the hardest. I wish I could say it gets better. But it doesn't honey. Sometimes we never forget our first loves." Renee's analogy did little to soothe me, but I knew she was being honest.

The day turned into night and the next few days went by in a blur. The stress of everything was just too much and my heart was broken. My parents left me alone for the most part. I could hear them arguing outside my door once, but I just covered my head with the pillow and ignored them.

While I was alone I resolved not to mention to Edward my feelings for him ever again. If he wanted to continue with our friendship, I would never say another word about my feelings for him, I would act as if nothing happened. No one was to blame but myself for loving someone like Edward. I should have known that I would never be enough for him to love.

On Tuesday, I finally came out of my room. This was supposed to be our spring break. Some holiday it turned out to be. When Renee tried to touch me this time, I rebuffed her and I could tell that it hurt her that I was pushing her away, but I couldn't stand anymore sympathy. She seemed nervous about something, but I didn't know why other than my self exile for the past couple of days.

When I asked her if anyone had called, her posture tensed slightly then claimed no one had called. It surprised me that at least Charlotte hadn't tried to call. I wasn't sure if Edward meant what had he said about us still being friends or not, so I hadn't expected him to call, but still it was unlike Edward to go for so long without contacting me.

By the end of the week I had become frantic with worry after not receiving one phone call. Thoughts of them car surfing again and something happening crossed my mind, but I knew if one of them was hurt, someone would have at least called me and told me.

When I called Charlotte's house, the machine picked up forcing me to leave a message. Because of the way Edward's sister Alice acted when I called his house, I put off calling there as long as I could. After leaving several messages at Charlotte's with no response, I called Jeff's hoping that possibly someone would be there. Panic really set in when I reached a recording stating that the number had been disconnected.

What the hell is going on?

When I told my mother that I was worried, she gave some vague excuse before she tensed up and left the room. This was so unlike her. My mother never turned down the opportunity to talk to me about my feelings and never seemed nervous about anything and I could feel it coming off her in waves.

Finally when I hadn't heard anything from anyone by that night, I called Edward's house hoping on the off chance that he or even his mother might actually answer the phone instead of Alice. Sometimes I thought she hovered over that thing like a vulture hovers over road kill.

Unfortunately, Alice answered the phone, and there was more annoyance in her voice than usual. "Hello."

"May I speak to Edward please?" Even though Alice was usually a bitch to me, I still tried to be polite.

"Who is this?" Alice seethed into the phone.

"Uh…This is Bella. Is Edward there?"

Alice inhaled sharply into the phone. "You've got a lot of nerve calling here. After every thing that has happened, I can't believe you would call here and ask to speak to him. Is this some kind of sick joke? Of course he's not here. He is still in the damn hospital."

"In the hospital." I mumbled into the phone as panic started to consume me. "What do you mean he's in the hospital? What happened to him? What's wrong with him?"

This was not what I expected to hear from her. I knew something had to be wrong. No returned phone calls, my parents acting weird and now Alice's behavior. Suddenly everything seemed to make sense in a bad, bad way.

"What's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? He almost died from a drug overdose that's what's wrong with him. He still hasn't woken up. Are you happy?" Alice hissed angrily at me.

"I don't understand." Was the only thing my addled brain could come up with.

"What don't you understand? He almost died from a drug overdose. His heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him and now he is in a coma! It's all your fault. You and all those drug heads that he calls friends. What kind of friend lets someone do that? Couldn't you see that he needed help? Why didn't you ever do anything to stop him?" Alice was yelling at me so loudly the phone started to crackle with the noise.

There was nothing I could say. She was right. Every single word was true. I had never really done anything to stop him. Sometimes I would voice my concern, but when he became angry with me, I stopped. Fear of losing him kept me from pushing to hard. Even my feeble attempt of trying to tell him that I loved him didn't stop him. It just pushed him away. And look what happened, he overdosed while I wasn't there. Maybe if I had been there, maybe I could have stopped him. If I had been there, maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital now.

Eventually Alice tired of screaming at me, but I listened to the very end, every word she said until she slammed the phone down in my ear. Guilt consumed me stopping me from replying to her accusations. There was no way I could deny what she said, because it was all true. 'I was a terrible friend. I did nothing to stop him.' Alice's words played over and over in my head as I sat there with the phone in my hand still buzzing.

This was how my mother and father found me. Instantly they were by my side asking me what was wrong. All I could do was say his name and that he was gone. My father picked me up and cradled me to his chest while he carried me to my room. My mother was walking behind him mumbling 'I told you she would find out. I knew we should have told her.'

It was a long time before I was able to quiet my sobs enough to speak. This was the first time that I could ever remember my father holding me this long or me allowing him to. Instead of shying away, I embraced it just like I had with my mother. I was falling apart and I needed someone to help hold me together.

Replaying all that Alice said in my head to the time that my parents found me, there was something nagging at me, something pulling at my subconscious, trying to make me remember.

Then finally it hit me, what my mother had said. "You knew, didn't you? That's why you have been so nervous around me all week. You were afraid that I would find out about Edward." My voice was so low that I wasn't sure if they would hear me.

Charlie and Renee shared a pained look before turning to me with such sympathy in their eyes that my eyes began to burn with tears again that I didn't think I would have anymore.

Renee explained in great detail about what happened that night. They all were shooting up, Mitchell, Jeff, Charlotte and Edward. Edward had decided without the knowledge of the others to do it again. Mitchell had found Edward, surrounded by his own vomit, with his eyes rolled back in his head having a seizure. He immediately called 911, which the doctors had said that if they hadn't acted when they did, Edward would have died.

Because of the fact it was an overdose, the police were notified and my father was the one who responded to the call. Mitchell and Jeff were both charged with drug possession and contributing to a minor. After their parents bailed them out of jail, Mitchell was sent back to college and was made to go to counseling, while Jeff was sent to rehab. The guest house was locked up, electricity and phone turned off, so that it could not be used by Jeff anymore.

Charlotte wasn't charged with anything, but her parents shipped her off to a rehab out of state. Charlotte's mother told Renee, that once she went through the steps of the program at the rehab that she would be allowed communication with people from the outside, but it could be months before that would happen, depending on Charlotte's willingness to participate.

Edward's heart had stopped like Alice said. The doctors revived him, but he had not regained consciousness as of yet. They believed that the coma was his body's way of recuperating from the shock, but only time would tell when he would wake up and if there was any brain damage.

The entire time, Charlie sat there stoically with an irritated look on his face. He obviously didn't want me to know. Renee apologized over and over again for keeping it all from me while I said nothing at what I thought was a blatant disregard of my feelings. Charlie finally spoke after her apologies seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"I wouldn't let her tell you. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me. You were already hurt by that boy, and I knew that this would only make things worse. I was trying to give you time to get over your feelings for him. I didn't know they ran this deep. I didn't realize you had fallen in love with Edward."

There was nothing I could say at that moment. My body was exhausted, along with my mind from trying to absorb all that had happened. Edward rejecting me and the love that I wanted to give him, the fact that he was now in a hospital fighting for his life was way more than I could deal with. Charlotte was gone for no telling how long not allowing me to have a friend to confide in or ask what happened. And to top it all off, my parents betrayed me by hiding something so important from me, even if they thought they were protecting me.

Deep down I knew that this was more than I could handle. There was no way that I could deal with this type of hurt again. It was more than just shying away from feelings and being too nervous to be around people. This was about the hurt that people inflicted on you. Unconsciously my shield started that day.

~*~

It was a long time before I stopped looking for him. Every where I turned, I hoped that he would be there waiting for me like he did sometimes. I kept thinking it was all a bad dream and I would wake up and he would be there. But he never came back.

Once Charlotte was released from rehab, she was sent to a private academy for girls in Florida. She wrote me letters and called whenever she could. She told me everything that had happened, including Edward finding her with Mitchell. Over and over again she apologized for what happened with Edward, the kiss, the overdose. She said she didn't care for Edward the way he cared for her and said she would have never been with him because she knew how I felt for him and I was her only friend.

After the conversation I had with Alice and what my parents had told me, I never heard anything else about Edward. Only that he was alive, other than that I had no idea where he was or how he was. It was as if he had fallen off the face of the earth.

Now he is calling my house leaving me a message saying he wants to talk to me. It is too much. It is all too much. Charlotte. Edward. I am starting to crack under all these memories and feelings that are trying to resurface.

Taking deep breaths, I release each one slowly trying to compose myself. I had to calm down enough to get through the rest of the day. When I looked at the clock to see what time it was, I rushed to get dressed. The thought of being strong for Charlotte's parents gave me something else to concentrate on.

When I arrived at the funeral home, Charlotte's parents were waiting on me so that I could be with them when they viewed Charlotte one last time. My body began to tremble as I looked down at her, laying there motionless, knowing that this would be my last memory of her.

All too soon, people began to arrive to pay their last respects. Most of the mourners were friends of Charlotte's parents. Only a handful were actually Charlotte's friends. There were very few because Charlotte didn't have many friends. We were the closest thing each of us had as friends, her not allowing anyone close because of her drug use, and me not allowing anyone close because of my fear of being hurt. Me being her friend did as much good for her as it had for Edward.

Just as the thought entered my head, my skin began to prickle and my heart rate increased. Even after all these years I could still sense him, feel that he was close. I closed my eyes to stop the onslaught of feelings that were trying to consume me. But when he said my name, I knew that all my efforts were in vain.

"Bella?"

A/N: I hope that I did this justice. Push that review button and please let me know. I don't have a beta, so please forgive my mistakes. I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can. Next chapter they will finally come face to face after 15 years.

For those of you reading A Long Way to Go, don't think I have forgotten about it. I just haven't been in the right mind frame to write it.