Dear Readers:
Yet again, I find my office flooded with your inane questions. Since I'm still bound to Dumbledore to answer the idiotic things (let me give you some advice. Don't ever make an Unbreakable Vow with that man), I have selected a few more to suffer through.
~Severus
~o0o~
Dear Professor Snape,
I have to admit your silky baritone voice makes me go all woozy and weak in the knees! Have you ever considered show business?
You'd make such an awe-inspiring Phantom nobody would give a rat's ass about that insipid Raoul deChagny!
Just wondering.
~Wikkidgothbabe
Dear Wikkidgothbabe,
Show business, you say? I'd have to consider it. But the Phantom is not a valid choice for me. You see, The Phantom of the Opera happens to be a close friend of mine and I feel that I would never do him justice.
~Severus
~o0o~
Dear Professor Snape,
The Foamy Card Cult gathers. Come and bring bagels with the creamy cheese!
~Your Lord and Master Foamy.
Dear Foamy,
Unfortunately, I must teach a class at the time the Cult meets. I will owl some bagels with cream cheese to you at my earliest convenience.
~Severus
~o0o~
Dear Professor. Snape,
Merlin, I cant believe I'm asking my head of house this...
OK I don't know what to do. I'm in love with my beautiful best friend. She's amazing with her dark brown/red hair, blue-green eyes; and she's just amazing in every way possible. I know she likes me, she makes it obvious. I know she thinks I only look at her as a best friend, because all I do is sleep with all the sluts of Slytherin. No wonder no one likes our house. How do I let her know I love her without saying it?
With all the respect to my favorite Professor/Head of House
~Dazed and lost D.M.
Dear D.M.,
There's no need to hide your identity from me, as the quality of your letter says it all. Please note, I have corrected all of your grammar and spelling errors. The full unchanged letter will be left as is in the post section for those of you who wish to read it. Now, D.M., as to your question. Simply tell her how you feel. Although if she's who I think she is, you're out of luck, as she's deeply in love with Draco Malfoy and as far as I know, Draco is currently dating a Gryffindor girl. Ah, but what do I know? I don't keep up with student romance. Oh, and detention for impersonating Draco. My office, Friday night.
~Severus
~o0o~
Dear Professor Snape,
I have a question regarding potion-making.
If -as you have explained that potions don't require "foolish wand-waving" - and with the knowledge that Tom Riddle's mother was in fact a squib and successfully produced the Amortentia potion, does this mean, logically speaking, that muggles have the ability to learn the art of potion-making?
Thank you,
~MangledPuppets
Dear MangledPuppets,
No. Muggles cannot learn the art of potion-making. And as far as I am aware, Merope Gaunt was not a Squib. If I remember correctly, once she was out of the influence of her father and brother, she was quite capable of producing wonderful magic.
~Severus
~o0o~
Dear Professor Snape,
I don't know what to do. I'm in love with my blond haired, blue eyed best friend. I make it very obvious that I like him, and his blind ass doesn't even notice it. All he cares about are all the damn Slytherin sluts. No wonder everyone hate our house. What should I do to get his attention, to make him look at me as a future girlfriend and not just his best-friend?
With love to my favorite Professor/Head of House,
~Hopeless in Tayler
Dear Tayler,
Dear me, I do believe you and D.M. up there are the same person. That explains quite a bit. Now, as I explained above, as far as I know, Draco Malfoy is in love with a Gryffindor girl, and is quite happy with her. The detention on Friday night still stands.
~Severus
~o0o~
Dear Professor Snape,
Hey, listen. I re-wrote your first years speech. I think it could be a lot peppier, don't you? And to be honest, the whole "feminine curves of a potions flask" thing kinda makes you sound like a perverted pedo. So, without further ado, your new and improved first-years speech!
"Hiya, kiddies! *giggles* This year, we're gonna learn all about how to make cool thingy-mabobs out of all this neat-o stuff! We get to use dragon guts and monster eyeballs, and then drink the weird stuff we make out of them! Isn't that so totally freaksville? My name's Sevvie, by the way!"
I suggest wearing a clown-suit during this speech, by the way!
~I-ONLY-HAVE-YOUR-BEST-INTERESTS-AT-HEART
~Dear Interests,
Please owl me your home address so I may kill you in your sleep. There is no way I would ever, ever speak those words, especially not to the first years I am trying to intimidate. However, I will take your clown suit suggestion into consideration...yikes, this is Albus interrupting. I hear the outrage from anxious parents who haven't even read this yet, and I assure you that Severus will never be allowed to teach any subject in a clown suit. Hogwarts cannot afford any more lawsuits against him!
...Buzzkill. Anyhow, Interests, detention in my office on Saturday. 8 pm sharp.
~Severus
Author's Note: OK, we're going to stop Snape there. He's getting a little ornery. Stay tuned, he'll be back soon to answer more of your questions!
