Note: Sorry about another longer update. I work retail and it's the last week before Christmas and I've had to work every day this week for at least 5 hours with the exception of one day (which I had to spend out shopping all day). Thanks for the patience.
"You're a blanket hog," Elsa groaned into her pillow.
It was morning, the sun was not yet up, but a thin strip of faded orange on the horizon told the world the sun was not far behind. Elsa still had another hour's worth of sleep she could get in before she would be inevitably woken by Kai knocking at the door with morning tea. She had not meant to be up this early, but Hans' escapes from her room each morning weren't always quiet.
"Oh please you kicked me at least three times the other night," he said.
"Stop stealing my blankets and I'll stop kicking you," she yawned.
"Your room gets so cold sometimes," he said, lacing up a boot.
Elsa decided she was too sleepy to delve deeper into those implications and simply snuggled back into her pillow. Hans silently came over and placed a kiss on her temple before he mumbled a goodbye and made his way out of the room.
Even with him stealing the blankets, the bed was definitely colder without him. And it was the kind of cold that bothered Elsa. And this morning it bothered her enough to keep her awake.
She sighed and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She pulled on her dressing gown and walked over to her desk. She rang the bell for Kai to bring up morning tea and she began reading over one of the mere five million things that needed her attention in the next forty-eight hours.
Things had resumed to their usual pattern, well for the most part. With Hans no longer spending hours of his daytime entertaining Anna he was free to meet Elsa for lunch or tea throughout the day, usually. It was still a clandestine rendezvous but Elsa not longer had to wait eight hours to get the chance to see him.
And with this newfound freedom, he was getting antsier.
"Hans," Elsa groaned one afternoon.
"Hans what Elsa? It's a perfectly responsible request," he said.
"Not for us."
He'd ask if she'd allow him to attend the midsummer festival as her official escort. Elsa silenced the part of her that wanted to reflexively and immediately say yes in favor of the part that understood the consequences and their unique situation.
"We don't have to be a secret, you know," Hans mumbled into her neck. He wrapped his arms around her middle from behind. "It's been enough time since your sister and I ended our would-be courting."
"She's not stupid Hans, she'd figure out what was going on. Have you forgotten what you told her about 'another woman'?" Elsa sighed.
Elsa couldn't deny that she did badly want the freedom of having him on her arm, without having to worry about who saw. And…she was getting antsy in other ways too.
The more nights they slept together in the same bed, the more Elsa thought about…that. They'd come close, a few times, to making a very big mistake. Sometimes his shirt came off and sometimes the hem of her nightgown got hiked up a little too high and they both had to cover incriminating marks on their bodies.
She had never in her life felt this way, or expected to feel this way. She'd read enough books with romance involved to know that eventually people did end up engaging in more intimate relations. In fact it was one of the first things she was expected to do as a monarch: get married and produce an heir. She'd decided long ago to forgo any sort of marriage and simply allow Anna and her decedents to inherit her throne.
But now…now she actually found herself wanting a man. And that was something else entirely. But, giving into those urges would bring very real and very obvious consequence, in more ways than one. She couldn't be a parent yet, nor could she allow her children to be forced under the stigma of illegitimate.
Further….there was the magic.
While it was currently behaving, she had no idea how it would respond with feelings this and those types of activities. She could hurt Hans, she could do a great deal of damage, and worse, Hans would know.
She'd not yet told him, nor did she intend to if she didn't have to. She'd kept the powers a secret so far, assuming they'd remain under control, she saw no reason to make him privy to the knowledge that she was something far more dangerous and unholy than he'd anticipated.
"You'd enjoy them Elsa, but not that much," Hans said.
They were lying in her bed. She was pretending to do work, leaned again him.
"You spoke very highly of your home before," she said.
"Yes that's because I was trying to impress you," he said, "Now that you have been thoroughly impressed, we can all just admit that the Southern Isles are small and an undesirable holiday location."
"Says you."
"Yes, says me because I've been there. And besides," he said, "How am I to casually introduce the Queen of Arendelle to my brothers? 'Greetings Klaus this is my…' what exactly would I say?"
"Well…maybe one day there will be a word for me."
The sentence had slipped out, she felt him stiffen underneath her and then hug her tighter. She'd meant it though, as much as she wished she hadn't said it, she knew, deep, deep down where their relationship would lead them. And he did too. Which brought them both to their next point of contention.
Anna had to know.
"Elsa I want more than sneaking in corners and out of your room every morning," Hans said. "I want to be allowed to dance with you at balls, and to walk around with you, and take meals with you in peace. And I want one day to be able—"
"I know," she cut him off, "You don't need to say it."
"Then you have thought about it too," Hans said, "One day, very far down the road, I may ask you a question…I don't want it to be a secret forever Elsa," he whispered.
"I know…I just…it's complicated."
"Then uncomplicated it and tell Anna the truth. I know that's the only reason we're still doing this," Hans said.
"It's far more…intricate than that, you don't understand," she said, throwing the covers back and detangling herself from his legs. She walked across the room to her balcony door.
"Stop throwing synonyms at me," he smiled teasingly.
"You weren't there," Elsa said when she heard him walk up behind her, "Thirteen years, there's a lot of damage there. And knowing that I lied to her for this long would only make her hate me," Elsa said.
"You're so worried about her getting mad or you or hating you, you can't even see Elsa, Anna adores you. She loves you more than anything, she—"
"What do you know about it?" she snapped.
"A lot more than you," he said, levelly, "I spent hours with her almost everyday for weeks. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't mention your name," he said. He was not being unkind and perhaps that's what frustrated Elsa more.
"Don't tell me I have to break it off with you now to get you to confess," he said, half kidding, half.
"That's not why I did that."
"Isn't it?"
She sighed, and knocked her hands against the railing aimlessly. She could feel the creep of frost on her fingertips and she took an extra step away from him.
"Elsa I stood before Anna and told the truth and did the right thing. Now it's your turn," he said.
In the end Hans won. He cheated a bit with his hands and lips and tongue but in the end, he convinced her that it was the right thing to do. However scared she might be, Elsa owed Anna this much. And if she truly wanted any future with Hans, she had to let the world know.
She elected to do it the night of the midsummer ball, that way she could officially go escorted by Hans later that night. It seemed easy, until she was standing in front of Anna's door.
One knock, two knocks.
When Anna opened the door, she practically pounced on Elsa, though knowing well enough that Elsa didn't like to be touched, she restrained.
"Elsa! Come in!"
She was so excited and ecstatic. She twirled in her dress for Elsa, her cheeks were rosy and Elsa had never seen her look so alive. All her intentions turned solid in her stomach and sunk as she imagined that smile vanishing from her face. She pictured her sister forever looking on her with contempt, or perhaps never looking on her ever again.
Isn't that what you wanted?
She confessed, sometimes she felt it would be easier if Anna hated her and once or twice tried to get her to do just that. It never worked and now that it just might, she was horrified at the prospect.
But that was the problem, she loved Anna. And the image of Anna looking on her with hate forever made her stomach go raw. But she loved Hans too. Which did she love more? No, it wasn't a question of that and never would she broach it. This wasn't a choice between them it was a decision for them. They both deserved the deed Elsa was about to do. Elsa loved Anna too much to keep lying to her face and she loved Hans to much to watch him forced, miserably, into a continued concealed relationship with her, or worse, no relationship at all. She loved them both more than she loved herself, and it was for that reason the next words came out of her mouth.
"We have to talk," Elsa said, quietly.
"What about?" Anna said, curious, busy fixing her hair in the mirror.
"About…Anna I really, really love you," Elsa said, dropping onto the bed.
"Elsa?" Anna asked, suddenly concerned. She walked over and sat next to her.
"I just…you deserve to know the truth and I just—it's about Hans!" she practically shouted.
"What about him?"
"It's me."
"You're not making any—"
"I'm that other woman, it's me."
Anna's face went blank. Then it furrowed in confusion. And then it dawned as realization hit and then suddenly, oh so suddenly, it curled into something far less friendly, far less inviting, far more awful. It wasn't anger, or hatred, or even a glare. It was betrayal.
"Is that why you suddenly started spending time with me?" she hissed.
"No!"
Well…wasn't it? She did feel bad. But she'd been itching to be near Anna since the day she first shut her door. It seemed the guilt her relationship with Hans caused was a perfect catalyst for action.
"You're a bad liar."
Anna looked disappointed, she looked hurt, she looked like Jesus might have looked when Judas kissed him.
Elsa closed her eyes. She felt the frost beneath her gloves. She tried to steady her breathing through her nose. She clenched her hands and then clasped them together. Don't' feel, don't feel, don't feel…
"How long?"
"What?"
"How long has he been seeing you and how long have you both been lying to me about it?" Anna asked, hands on hips.
"Since…the coronation."
Anna let out a loud groan and flopped on her bed while saying what sounded an awful lot like "seriously?" Elsa had been expecting anger and a hatred for stealing away Hans…what she hadn't anticipated was Anna not caring at all about Hans and more about Elsa's lie.
And she was going to pay for her lack of preparation.
The temperature in the room was dropping. Fast. No, no, no! Stop it! Don't do this now! Anna got up and harshly closed the balcony doors, shivering a bit.
"You know you didn't have to do all that stuff and suddenly start talking to me because you felt bad," Anna said, "I'd rather you went back to ignoring me behind that door if that's why you did it."
"No," Elsa groaned, "That's not—I didn't—Anna you have to understand—I wasn't."
Words weren't coming out right and Elsa's breath was getting harsher and harsher. Her heartbeat was picking up, blood pressure was rising. Skin getting paler. The frost was now seeping through to the outside of her gloves, a lot of good they did.
"You what Elsa? You what? I want to know, after all this time I have a right to know," Anna said, very seriously.
"They told me I couldn't tell you," Elsa whispered. She got up from the bed, she pulled her hands into her chest. Just breathe.
"Who said you couldn't tell me what?"
No, this wasn't supposed to happen. Papa warned her not to do this. Mama scolded her. The trolls prophesized. Anna couldn't know, Anna couldn't be here. Elsa shouldn't be here. She had to get out.
"Where do you think you're going?" Anna called as Elsa made for the door.
"Out—away—safe—you safe—make you safe," Elsa tried to get out between rhythmic, but quickly erratic, breaths.
"Elsa…" Anna said it suddenly, very softly, very concerned. "Are you all right?"
Yes. No. Both. Neither. Option C.
She didn't answer, but she could feel Anna getting closer. No don't do that!
"Don't—stay away!" Elsa called over her shoulder at Anna, slowly making for the door.
"Elsa!" Anna said forcibly.
Then Anna touched Elsa. That was a mistake. A big one. Elsa snatched her arm forward but the process a wire in her brain cut loose and the wall she slammed her hand against burst over in frost, the entire wall, and it crept up and all over.
"No…" Elsa gasped. "No! No!"
She stayed pinned to the wall, facing the wall. She didn't want to turn and see Anna's face. She didn't want to see whatever this looked like. She'd seen it reflected in the eyes of her parents, she didn't want to see it in Anna's.
But then there was a knock on the door.
"Oh come on," Elsa groaned.
"Anna? Are you all right?" said Hans's voice.
Oh, so apparently it could get worse.
"Hans…don't…" Anna was saying behind her, but he was faster.
"I heard shouting and a bang, I'm coming in," he said and busted in the door, shoulder first, cracking and breaking the frost that had pinned shut.
Elsa may have been able to avoid Anna's face but Hans was right there before her eyes. It was first confusion, then shock. And then came fear.
"What did this?" he asked.
It was the word what, that's the thing that did it. He called her a what. Whether he meant to or not. This was Hans' most honest reaction to the truth of what Elsa really was, whether or not he knew what he was looking at. Elsa stopped being a person. She was a what now.
The poster of Anna's bed that Elsa was gripping started frosting over as well. She hissed and jumped away and that's when Hans understood. But it was too late. Elsa couldn't take this. The two people she wanted most to hide this from found out in the same instant and they looked at her now like a stranger. She was a ghost of the girl they knew. She couldn't stay around to become that.
So Elsa did what she did best. She ran.
