The Doctor hung his head, hands thrust in his pockets as he walked down the street slowly. Everywhere around him couples were wrapped comfortably around each other, love in their gazes; it made him sick.
The Doctor kept walking until he reached the beach, the path becoming very well known to him. The TARDIS sat on the edge of the beach, looking lonely and dead sitting by herself. The Doctor sat down beside the TARDIS, leaning against it the same way he had earlier that day. Earlier when he mucked things up again.
The Doctor was disgusted with himself; his behavior was completely and totally unacceptable. The look on Rose's face was burned into his brain; she looked so upset. She had looked betrayed. He didn't blame her in the least; he had done nothing but push her away for months. He had felt her hesitancy when he had begun to kiss her; she had been rejected so many times she didn't trust him and she had reason to. But he had pushed her and she had, in her wonderfully great innocence, given in to him. And it wasn't even just the physical aspect; she had had to give him a great deal of trust emotionally and he completely trampled all over it. He had not been thinking at all; had he been thinking he would have never let himself get that carried away. Until he had met Rose, the need for physical contact was all but foreign to him. He didn't give himself over to the carnal desires that humans so often craved. But with Rose, it had been awakened in him full force. He was often alarmed at times how much he desired that contact with her, making it nearly impossible to resist. He really had meant to just kiss her and have it end there; he was so troubled by the state of the TARDIS and Rose had so understood. You're not alone as long as you have me…..As he had kissed her that need had been reawakened in him He wanted to give himself to her, to be completely one with her. He had done something completely out of character for him; he had lost control. His mind, what he considered his best asset, had taken a backseat to his body. He would have done it too, given in to what they both obviously wanted. But when Rose had touched his head…..he'd had to stop.
With a mere touch, she had begun to touch his very mind. He could feel her mind just at the end of his mind, a whisper of a touch. He had been stunned; she should not have been able to do that even if she tried, much less do it if she hadn't even been trying. He didn't understand what had happened; he had been terrified she would see, that she would see the parts of him that he hid. He had pulled back and ran from the room like the coward that he was.
He knew he couldn't leave things like this; he would have to go back and talk to her. What he was going to say, that he had no idea of yet. He tilted his head, hitting the blue wood of the TARDIS in frustration. What was he going tell her? He knew she deserved the truth; she deserved to hear everything that he was holding back. She deserved the chance to run.
"I wish you would help me" The Doctor said, looking towards the TARDIS. "Why can't you just open so we could get off this damn planet? Go back to the way things were." He sighed. He knew he didn't want things to go back to the way they were. He didn't want to go back to nights alone spent trying to stay awake and force the nightmares away while Rose slept alone and upset. Their relationship now was a mere shadow of what it had been and terribly far from what it could be. He'd been holding on to their broken relationship because it was better than no relationship at all which was sure to be the result when he told Rose the truth about himself.
It was dark when the Doctor got up and began to walk down the street toward the hotel. He knew it was late but that seemed to do nothing to squelch the amounts of people on the street. Music spilled out of the restaurants as people danced along the beach. Laughing and sounds of quiet discussions hit him from all directions, the disturbing displays of affection having only increased when the sun went down. It did nothing to help the sense of longing burning inside him.
The Doctor slipped through the back door that led into the bedroom. It was dark in the room, the only light coming from the moon light streaming through the glass doors. He saw Rose, lying asleep on the bed and he sat down on the soft bed beside her. His hearts broken even more when he saw her more fully close up. She was lying on top of the covers, still dressed in the sundress from earlier as if she had just passed out on the bed. Dried tears were crusted at the edge of her eyes and he could smell the faint scent of alcohol on her breath. She was in pain and he had caused it. He tried not to think her drinking alone, wounded because of his behavior and crying herself to sleep. This was all his doing and she deserved so much better than him.
The Doctor propped himself up with one hand, the other going to Rose's hair, brushing it out of her face. Even in her sleep she looked sad and he wished he could take her pain away. He had caused it and the only way of fixing it was to cause more pain. She was so beautiful, the moonlight on her smooth skin, the hem of her dress pushed way to far up, reminding him of the situation that had put them in this situation in the first place. He wondered if he would ever be able to hold her in that way again; after she saw the real him it was unlikely that she would even want to be in the same room with him.
The Doctor reluctantly left the bed, not wanting to fall prey to sleep and suddenly having a fantastic idea that needed his pressing attention. He might hurt Rose in the process of showing her the real him, and he wasn't even sure yet how to do that, but he needed to take care of her in the process. And lately, he hadn't been doing that at all.
….
Rose woke up the next morning, feeling instantly stiff and less rested than when she had gone to sleep. She stretched her arms and legs out as they screamed in protest; she felt as if she hadn't moved all night. Her sleep had been wracked with nightmares though she couldn't remember the details upon awaking. Rose rolled over onto her back and opened her eyes. The room was filled with brilliant sunlight and her eyes stung a little, her head hurting from a slight hangover.
The events of the day before had come flooding back into her mind, unbidden. She remembered the calmness of the swim and lunch together with the Doctor and then the crushing despair of him fleeing from her. She didn't want to remember it but it was impossible not to. The Doctor had left her and had not returned the entire evening. Rose looked around the room, desperate for a sign that the Doctor had at least returned now. The sliding door was cracked and sunlight was pouring into the room, a warm breeze bringing the scent of ocean air in the room. Rose sat up in bed, listening for a sound, any sound that might indicate that the Doctor was here. But she heard nothing.
Rose felt the holes in her heart that had hurt so much last night be ripped back open at the thought that the Doctor had stayed out all night and had still not returned. Maybe the TARDIS had decided that she was no longer angry at him and had let him in. Maybe he'd gone somewhere…..maybe he wasn't coming back.
Rose knew that train of thought was not fair; she knew, even at his angriest that the Doctor would not leave her alone on an alien planet. But that didn't mean that he wouldn't hide in the TARDIS until she got so tired of waiting that she came looking for him. Tears were beginning to form in the corner of her eyes, making her feel completely ridiculous, when the door slid open and the Doctor walked in. He looked surprised to see Rose sitting up in bed awake but a smile quickly came to his face. "Good! You're awake" he said cheerily before rushing out of the room and towards the kitchen. Rose was confused and getting more so by the second when the Doctor returned to the bedroom carrying a tray with breakfast on it. He sat down in the bed beside her, placing the tray next to her. "I'm glad you're awake…..it's a beautiful day outside. Go on, eat your breakfast, we've got a big day planned." The Doctor said, cheer in his voice. He was acting as if yesterday hadn't even happened.
Part of Rose wanted to let the Doctor smooth over the details of yesterday like it hadn't happened; he was here and he was happy. She wanted to have that, not another fight. But this was unacceptable behavior. He couldn't just run off with absolutely no explanation and then come back to her as if nothing had happened. She couldn't let that stand and not say anything.
Rose looked over to the smiling face of the Doctor and frowned. "What the hell is this?" she asked, annoyance creeping into her tone. She didn't want to have a full blown fight but she wanted him to know that she was not just going to forget what had happened yesterday.
The Doctor's smile vanished. "I'm….I'm getting you breakfast in bed" he said, knowing coming to his face. He knew she wasn't going to let him forget about it but at the same time he was still trying to hold onto any trace of ignorance he could fake.
Rose looked down at the tray, calming some of her anger at him before meeting his eyes again. "I can see that…..but why?" she asked.
The Doctor looked like a wounded child, his face crestfallen. "I thought you might enjoy it" he said.
Rose's irritation was rising at his continued lack of ability to own up to his responsibility. She pushed the tray away. "I don't want it" she said defiantly, turning in bed so that her back was to him. He couldn't just be nice to her and brush all of this under the rug.
A few terse minuets passed before the Doctor placed his hand on Rose's shoulder. She pretended not to notice. "I know I….messed up yesterday" the Doctor said softly. "I want to try to make it up to you"
Rose wanted to stay mad at him; she wanted to ignore him until he had apologized thoroughly. But deep down she just wanted to forgive him and forget this. "You can't keep running away from me" Rose said, her voice a whisper. Please stop hurting me, her tone was screaming. "It's not fair"
Another long pause. "I know it's not" he said, his tone sad. "I'm sorry…..I know I treated you badly. And I promise I'll explain. Just not right this second"
The Doctor's hands on her shoulders turned her toward him. His face was sad and beseeching; he wanted forgiveness. Rose was open to the possibility that he would open up but she was not ready to forgive him yet. "It's alright" she said. The Doctor leaned toward her as if was trying to kiss her but Rose tilted her head slightly to the side, moving out of the path of his lips. Hurt crossed his face but he pulled away quickly, getting the hint. As much as Rose wanted to forgive him, she was still deeply hurt and she couldn't just pretend that she wasn't.
The Doctor, slightly burned from Rose pulling away, moved back, sitting back on the bed. "Alright….." he said, obviously wanting to change the subject. "Go on, eat your breakfast. I've got a surprise for you today"
Rose stared down at the tray; her stomach rumbled slightly and she remembered that she hadn't eaten last night. They'd been about to go to dinner when the Doctor had left and after he had Rose hadn't had an appetite. She had felt terrible; even now she didn't feel that great. But the Doctor seemed excited about whatever it was that he had up his sleeve, and that gave her a little hope.
Rose pulled the tray toward her and began to eat some of the strange looking fruit on her plate. "So….what is it? The surprise?" she asked curious and not wanting to wait.
The Doctor just grinned back at her. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise" he said slyly.
