there ain't nothing I can't adore


"Carla, are you ready to hold her now?" Nick asked and I sat up awkwardly in the hospital bed and looked over at Nick cradling our baby girl close to his chest. She'd been with us around half an hour now after making a quick arrival; once we'd arrived at the hospital it didn't take long for the birth to be completed. After she passed the Apgar test Nick and I had been left alone with our new born. I hadn't held her yet, she looked so precious, so fragile as if she would break in my arms.

"Carla," Nick said again and this time his body moved, he moved ever so slowly careful not to cause any harm to our little girl. Protective from the first moment. "Hold her," Nick urged and I looked at him then to her then to Nick again.

"I'm okay for now, still tired," I said and then once again let my eyes drift to our baby.

"Please hold her before the nurses come back," Nick said and he stood up this time and my body tensed, "I'll sit right beside you, I won't leave you."

I nodded slowly then looked up to Nick who had a gentle smile upon his face; he perched on the edge of the bed ever so gently before lowering our baby into my arms. I was stiff at first, stiff with the fear of causing any harm to the perfect being I held. "Relax," Nick told me and I wish it was as easy as that. I could feel his eyes on me as my eyes were upon our little girl.

"It feels wrong," I said quietly and Nick's focus changed so that his eyes were upon me instead, "Nick this feels so wrong, why am I not crying or feeling all the emotions of love?"

"These things can take time," Nick said before sitting properly on the bed beside me, "Carla, look how beautiful she is."

Nick was right, our baby girl was beautiful. Her legs were still slightly bent from where she'd been in the womb, her hair was light on the top of her head (clearly taking after Nick) but we were told this would fall out in the next few days. Her eyes were only slightly open but she was beautiful and I made her. Nick and I made something this beautiful

"If you move the shoulder of your top skin to skin contact will help with bonding," the nurse said as she entered snapping me out of the trance I found myself in.

"Um okay," I said although a little unsure about the suggestion. Nick gently moved my top down and as I lifted my baby up slightly her skin, that was ever so soft, came in contact with mine for the first time and everything felt so real. Everything felt so right. "Hey baby girl," I said quietly as I watched her closely.

"Carla, are you going to breastfeed?" The nurse asked after giving me a moment, a moment which I'd really needed.

"I wasn't planning on," I said awkwardly knowing it was a decision often frowned upon but I wanted to make my own decision, the right decision for us as a family.

"It does help with bonding a lot but it's completely your choice," the nurse said and then stood waiting for my decision.

"Will it be good for her?" I asked gesturing my head to my little girl cradled close to me.

"Definitely."

"Yeah okay, I'll breastfeed then," I aid then sighed again, another action I never thought I'd take. I looked over at Nick who was smiling at me, one of his big smiled from his eyes, my favourite smile.

"So at first it might be hard for you to know when she's hungry but try to offer her your breast every time she thinks she is. Over the next few weeks you'll learn what her different cries mean but as a guide you should be feeding around eight times in a twenty-four hour period," the nurse explained and I listened closely, not wanted to miss a word, not wanting to make a single mistake.

As my baby girl fed I watched her and felt full of purpose, I was needed for someone, someone really needed me.


"Is she going to get a name?" Nick asked breaking the comfortable silence we'd been sat in for the past few minutes. Our little girl was asleep in the plastic cot they'd provided, the nurses saying we should be allowed home the following day.

"What names do you like?" I asked as I sat myself up so I could see Nick properly.

"I like the names than mean something," Nick said before picking up his phone and typing something, "Carla means 'one who is strong' and that's true," He said and I smiled at him softly.

"What does Nicholas mean then?"

"Nicholas means 'victory' and Nick, you know the name normal people tend to go for," He joked and I picked up the spare pillow threatening to throw it, "Nick means…oh the same thing."

"Of course it's the same thing, it's the same bloody name," I told him laughing, "Always knew there was a reason I opted for Nicholas," We laughed together for a moment till cries began to surface from, our still nameless, baby girl. I sat up and lifted her slowly towards my chest, cradling her softly.

"Alaia means 'joyful and happy' and Mae means 'goddess of spring and growth,'" Nick told me then began listing some other names he'd found with meanings that appealed to him and I considered the names for a moment whilst looking down at our baby as she fed.

"Alaia Mae Tilsley," I said softly as I looked at the baby cradled in my arms, her eyes having closed after her feed, "Our joy, our happiness and our growth."