Shadow Snark 7
By Sharona Magliozzo
Shadow Snark was woken abruptly by Derpy one morning.
"Shadow! Shadow! A huge dragon is going to kill us all!" she said
"Derpy, are you really waking me up in the morning to talk about dragons?" said Shadow
"It's not the morning! It's three in the afternoon!"
"Well it's morning for me. At Shine Down's request I went to a… ugh… nightclub last night. It was awful, there were others there."
There was a brief pause
"Back to the dragon…" said Derpy
"Derpy, I'm sure you just left muffins in the oven to long, producing smoke again." Said Shadow
Then Shine Down ran into the bedroom.
"CELESTIA'S SHIT COUSIN! THERE'S A CELESTIA DAMN DRAGON OUTSIDE!" He said
"Oh dear Celestia, no!" said Shadow
"I was just warning you about that!" said Derpy haughtily
"Derpy, this is serious! We don't have any time for your antics!" said Shadow
Then Uma came in, wearing the form of a red male Pegasus with a purple and orange mane and a seashell as a cutie mark.
"Hey y'all what are we doin' in Shadow's room, plot exposition?" asked Uma
"ARE WE LETTING IT IN THE HOUSE NOW!?" asked Shine Down
"I have a name." said Uma
"YEAH? AND WHAT IS IT? UMA? CANDY? YO-YO? WHATEVER THIS ONE IS CALLED!?"
"You may call it Scarlet Waves."
"Guys focus! There is a Celestia damn dragon out there! Uma turn into the golden spider god thing and go kill it!" yelled Shadow
"Oh yeah, that's why I came here, to tell you about the dragon." Said Uma
"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM!?" asked Shadow
"They're sending a strike force in to deal with dragon." Said Uma
"Praise Celestia."
"It's got Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinky Pie, and Fluttershy in it."
"That doesn't make me feel better!" said Shadow
"Why?" asked everyone
"We're sending in a grad student with crippling OCD, a drunk, a psychotic narcissist, a diva, a… well there's just too much wrong with Pinky Pie to describe… and the figure skater to fight a damn dragon!? THAT'S WHY I'M WORRIED!" yelled Shadow
There was a brief pause.
"How is Fluttershy a figure skater?" asked Uma
"Oh she's not into that anymore? I just remember her having a bunch of Neighda Aksamija posters." Said Shadow
"Ok seriously, how do you know her?" Asked Derpy
"Nothing, it's… we went to high school together. It's complicated!" said Shadow
"Wait… when I was talking to her the other day, she mentioned she went to school with Rainbow Dash, why doesn't she remember going to school with you?" asked Derpy
"Well she really just shoved me into lockers back then, and called me uncreative nicknames, like Lead Wings, No Fly, and Rusty."
"Rusty?" asked Derpy
"Iron wings… they rust."
"Oh hey that's creative!" said Uma
"No it is not! And besides she wasn't a bad mare, it was that bitch mare friend of hers Gilda."
"Wait I have another problem. When I was snooping around Fluttershy's house the other day trying to see if she was into anything kinky- she's a furry by the way- I found a yearbook, and you weren't in it." Said Uma
"Were there any pictures cut out?"
"Tons, from prom, garden club, poets society, sections of the athletics page."
"All me." Said Shadow
"Why?" asked everypony
"That's private! Can we talk about something else?" said Shadow
"What else is there?" asked Derpy
"Uhh… I met a Zebra." Said Shadow
"Having sex with me in zebra form does not count as meeting a zebra." Said Uma
"I meant Zecora, ya douche." Said Shadow
"You two had sex?" asked Derpy
"YOU WENT TO ZECORA!?" yelled Shine Down
"Yeah, what's the problem?" asked Shadow
"SHE'S EVIL!"
"How so?"
"SHE COMES IN EVERY MONTH AND DIGS AT THE GROUND! AND SHE EATS HAY!"
"I eat hay." Said Shadow
"So do I." said Derpy
"I feed on the energy from sexual desire. But it tastes like hay." Said Uma
"YOU CANT GO TO ZECORA! THERES A WHOLE SONG ABOUT IT! I'M LEAVING 'TIL YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES!" said Shine Down, then he left
"Who'd write a song about it?" said Shadow
Then Shine Down came back in
"Ok there's still a damn dragon out there, BUT I AM NO LESS PISSED! I'M GOING TO BED!" said Shine Down
And then he went to bed. He slept soundly despite his anger at Shadow's message of racial tolerance, then he was awoken by Shadow.
"HAVE YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES COUSIN?" he asked
"No there's someone I'd like you to meet." Said Shadow
"I understand you think malevolent, but I'll show you that that is not it." Said Zecora
"That's a bit stretch for a rhyme." Said Shadow
The next thing Shadow knew Shine Down was across the room throwing objects telling Zecora to leave, she eventually ran out of the house where three floral cutie marked ponies saw her yelling obscenities at Shine Down, got the wrong idea, ran into their house and set off an alarm.
"That could have gone better." Said Shadow Snark, overlooking the chaos encompassing Ponyville.
"Eh, you can't win them all." Said Uma who was standing next to him for some reason in his Candy form
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you can't just expect everything to go right."
"I don't! In fact I'm horribly cynical about the results of my actions!"
"Then why did you introduce Zecora to Shine Down? What the moon did you expect to happen?" asked Uma
"I DON'T KNOW!" yelled Shadow
"Hey guys we're back from the dragon, whoa what happened here?" said Twilight now returning from her adventure of self improvement
"Me, I happened." Said Shadow, then he left
"That's… like really ambiguous Shadow!" said Twilight
"Give him time Twi." Said Uma
"Do I know you?" said Twilight Sparkle
"Yes, very well in fact." Said Uma
"Why do ponies I don't know keep saying that!?" asked Twilight
"Maybe, they're all the same pony!" said Uma
There was a short pause
"What!?" asked Twilight
"I've said too much! Teleport!" yelled Uma before teleporting 2 feet away
"Right… power nerfing." Said Uma
"What!?" said Twilight
Meanwhile back at the house, Shadow was writing a letter to Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that I need to keep my damn mouth shut around my friends. They try to get so many private details out of you, that you change the subject and introduce your racist cousin to a zebra and launch the entire town into chaos.
-Shadow Snark
End 7
