Come back with me. Nathaniel wanted to say it, nearly did, before Hawke had interrupted them. Now, as he sat among his brothers by the large fire, Nathaniel regretted not having the opportunity to do so.
The Wardens camped several paces from Hawke and her companions, but Nathaniel could still see Anders' face near the dancing flame. He hadn't dared look this way, most likely avoiding eye contact with Nathaniel, or Stroud. That reunion had not gone over well; Stroud accused Anders of abandonment, and Anders criticized Stroud for the losses the Wardens had suffered while retracing Hawke's steps in the Deep Roads. It was a fight that nearly came to blows until Nathaniel and Hawke stepped in. They left the darkened tunnels below as a group, but camped separately once they reached the surface.
Would he have said yes? Nathaniel wondered, uncertain if his former lover would have left his current one for him. Would Justice even allow such a thing? Just how powerful was the spirit's hold on the mage? And if the situation were reversed, if Anders had asked him to abandon the Wardens, would he?
So much time had passed since they were together, but seeing him now, knowing he was alive and only a few feet away, nearly tore Nathaniel in two. His body ached for Anders, to feel the closeness and warmth of his flesh once again. He had bedded no other male since, and only on rare occasions did he relieve his frustrations on some willing whore. For whatever reason, the Wardens seemed to have plenty of those on hand whenever needed, and many nights in different towns, Nathaniel found himself alone in a room with a woman, paid for by his superiors. Good for morale, great to release pent up energy, but to Nathaniel, those nights were harder than any battles he had faced.
The Wardens would be returning to Kirkwall for just that purpose; relief, relaxation, and rest. While Nathaniel would no doubt be in the company of some red-headed elven woman, Anders would be returning home with Hawke. She had the privilege of bathing him, removing the filth that the Deep Roads can leave on a person. She would be thorough, he knew because he would as well, and then they'd fall into bed together after so many nights without privacy. Nathaniel had little doubt where his thoughts would be as some whore saw to his needs.
None of this was going to help him get over Anders, again… He knew this. Especially staring at the mage now, with his new friends, living his new life. Anders was done with the Wardens, was done with him, and for a brief moment Nathaniel wished he never knew the truth. He was surviving, barely, thinking Anders dead. Now, to know he's alive and unattainable, hurt just as much, if not more.
"Howe!" Stroud's voice cut through his thoughts, and Nathaniel turned toward his superior. The man offered him a bowl of stew, but Nathaniel waved him off as he stood. Retreating to his bedroll instead of feasting with his brothers, Nathaniel closed his eyes and embraced the comfort of the familiar taint in the distance.
.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.
It could never be what it once was. Anders wasn't sure if his thoughts were his own, or if Justice was having some influence in his mind. So far his efforts to avoid looking at Nathaniel were not preventing him from thinking about the rogue. There was a moment in the Deep Roads when everything faded away, where it was just the two of them, oblivious to the world around them.
It was that safe, content feeling that Anders had missed. When he and Nathaniel were together, no harm would ever come to him. Anders cared little for anything else, wanting only those few precious moments in his lovers arms whenever possible. Before Justice, before the cause to free mages, before Hawke…
Anders didn't dare meet her intense gaze across the fire. He felt her eyes upon him, searching, questioning. When he had followed Karl to Kirkwall, he never imagined he would meet another that could make him feel safe again as Nathaniel had. But her strength, determination, sheer will alone had pulled him from the darkness he had felt since leaving Amaranthine and Nathaniel. She accepted Justice and all the torment that came with him, and despite every fall and flaw, Hawke loved him.
But there were some things Hawke would never understand about him. She knew nothing of being a Warden, or living with the taint inside you. How it can bring you to madness if you allow it to consume you. How every second brings you one step closer to your Calling. The nightmares he had endured, the horrors he had seen. They had shared many evils together since being in Kirkwall, but none could compare to broodmothers, or coming face to face with the Architect.
Nathaniel shared those nightmares. Knew every horrible creature he had seen as they fought side by side. Anders was there for Nathaniel's Joining, which was only a few days after his, and so they discovered their new strength and power together, as well as the torment and anguish it could bring. There was a pact made long ago that they would go to the Deep Roads together for their Calling; die together as they had been born Warden's together. For the first time in his life, Anders had no desire to run. He was content where he was; free to be a mage, Nathaniel by his side, no Templar could ever drag him to the Circle again.
Justice changed all that. Changed him. What Anders imagined his future to be was no more, regardless of how much a part of him still wanted it. Justice would never allow it. But for a brief moment in the Deep Roads, having Nathaniel within arms reach again... Anders wondered just how far he could push the spirit that raged inside him.
.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.
Upon entering the gates of Kirkwall, the two groups went their separate ways in silence. The Wardens made their way to the Blooming Rose, and Varric and Fenris quickly went in the direction of Lowtown for drinks. Nathaniel had asked Varric to get a message to his sister, that he was safe and would visit with her tomorrow before the Warden's departed.
Hawke and Anders remained silent as they walked toward her estate. Once home, Hawke ordered Orana to prepare two baths; one in her room for herself, and the other in the guest quarters for Anders.
"I assume you don't want to wait until I am finished," Hawke said as she walked up the stairs, not waiting for a reply.
Anders hadn't expected to bathe with her. She had been distant with him since the Deep Roads, and he wondered just how much she had heard before she interrupted his conversation with Nathaniel. She hadn't sent him away to his clinic, so as he washed up he prepared himself for the inevitable fight that was on the horizon. When she brought him a change of clothes nearly an hour later though, there was no sign of anger in her expression.
"Here, you'll need this," Hawke said, placing the robes on the guest bed. "And this," she added, dropping a small pouch that clinked with the sound of coin.
"Payment for services rendered?" Anders asked with a smile, hoping to lighten the awkward tension.
"In a matter of speaking," Hawke replied. "Take it to the Rose. Talk to Nathaniel. Find the closure that both of you still seek."
Anders began to protest. "Hawke, that's hardly necessary…"
"It's very necessary," she said as she handed him a towel. "This needs to be finished, one way or the other. My preference of course is that you return to me, free and clear of any guilt, anguish, or second thoughts on your decision. But should you wish to leave with him, there is enough coin to give you a start."
"Why are you doing this?" Anders asked, unclear as to what her motives were. Was this a test? Was he supposed to say no? Hawke had always been very straight with him, but he couldn't help thinking there was a right and wrong choice here.
"I will not be second best to anyone," she stated. "You should know that by now. I won't allow doubt in this relationship. You go to him, talk to him, be with him, whatever it takes. But if you to return to me, your past remains there. Begin again with him or say goodbye and be done with it; that is the choice you have in front of you, and only you can make it. Understood?"
"Is it that simple?" Anders asked.
"If you are no longer fully committed to us or your cause, you should not be here," Hawke told him.
"Now you sound like Justice."
Hawke smiled. "Perhaps that is the reason he has not killed me yet."
Anders nodded, and said nothing further as she exited the room. Hawke had always known what she wanted in life, and he found himself surprised that he hadn't anticipated this from her. This was his Hawke, so sure of life and every decision she had ever made. Accept it and move on, dwell on nothing, regret nothing, and the future will always be brighter. She had told him this many times, and now it was up to him to follow in her footsteps.
He quickly dressed, gathered the heavy pouch of coin, and walked briskly through Hightown to the Red Lantern district. When he entered the Blooming Rose, Anders saw a few Wardens lingering in the main area, but most, he assumed, were probably occupying the bedrooms of the brothel. After offering Madam Lusine four gold coins and a description of Nathaniel, he made his way up the stairs to the corner room, took a deep breath, and then opened the door.
Nathaniel was seated in the far corner of the room, thankfully fully clothed, sipping on a bottle of wine. A woman was dancing rather provocatively with the bedpost, and she gasped as Anders entered. He tossed another four coins on the bed, and ordered the whore to leave. "I was never here," he told her as she quickly gathered her shirt and his offering.
"No, no Messere, I ain't seen nothin'," she replied, hurrying in her departure. Anders closed the door as she left, and turned his gaze toward Nathaniel.
"What do you want Anders?" Nathaniel asked as he took another long sip of wine.
Anders walked across the room and sat on the bed. "To talk. Finish our conversation from the Deep Roads."
Nathaniel leaned forward in his chair. "We're finally alone, and all you want to do is talk?" he asked, staring intently at the mage.
"No," Anders admitted, turning away from Nathaniel. He wanted so much more, and none of it involved speaking. A part of him felt that just being in this room alone with Nathaniel was somehow a betrayal to Hawke, even if she had given him permission to do whatever was necessary to resolve his past. But another part of him wanted to forget all about Hawke and embrace Nathaniel; hold him, love him, be with him once more.
"That's what I thought," Nathaniel said. He set the bottle of wine on the floor and stood. "You asked me how you can fix this," he whispered, moving toward the bed. "I wonder the same. Years of torment, thinking you were dead, wanting to join you there… You tell me Anders? How do you make up for that?" Nathaniel asked, standing over him now.
Anders looked up at his former lover, his eyes burning with unshed tears. The anguish in Nathaniel's voice tore at the guilt he felt inside, and Anders wished for nothing more than to relieve that pain. "Anything you ask," Anders said. "I will do anything to have you forgive me."
Nathaniel maintained eye contact as he brought a shaky hand to Anders' cheek. "Would you spend the night with me?" he asked, his raspy voice revealing how nervous he was. "Is that even possible now, with the spirit that inhabits your soul?"
Anders could smell the wine on his breath as Nathaniel leaned forward. "My heart is my own," Anders replied, and he wrapped his arms around Nathaniel's neck. "And tonight I shall give it to you."
"And in the morning?" Nathaniel asked, his body already reacting to the closeness between them.
"I don't know," Anders replied. "Does it matter? We both want this, now. Tomorrow is a subject for tomorrow. Tonight I just want to be with you the way we used to be."
Nathaniel nodded his acceptance. "Another night with you… I never thought it possible again, but I have longed for it so many times. I imagined it so many times..."
Anders tried to look away, but Nathaniel wouldn't let him, holding his face now with both of his hands. Anders spoke, his voice husky with regret, "I am sorry. I know I've said it before, but I…"
"You don't have to say anything," Nathaniel said. "Just show me."
Anders leaned forward, meeting Nathaniel's lips with his own in a gentle kiss. The sweet taste of wine now lingered between them, and Anders laid back on the bed, bringing Nathaniel down on top of him.
Tomorrow would come too quickly for them both.
