Discaimer: I don't rightly know how many times I'll have to go on through one of these here disclaimers, but we all know I ain't not thief, and I never will be. I may be alotta things, but I ain't no dishonest thief. Joss is boss, an' I know that.
If ever there was a time when I've been in a corner I couldn't get out of, I'd say this was it. Really, this takes the cake on all them others. Locked up, tortured, dueled, hunted – them are nothing to what I'm facing now.
If only Sheppard were here… for once I'd really like his advice… but, then again, I think I know what he'd say anyhow. Prolly somethin' about a special level of hell…
Ah, Gorram it all. I never meant for this to happen. Not never, ever. I'd swear on Sheppard's bible, if I had it here…
See, I needed a pilot. I needed her. And ever since Miranda, River's been getting better, every day. At first, we all saw, she was still a little… not quite right. Simon worried the damage would be for good – 'fact, I think he still thinks so. Even I thought that way, too, until I found her all upset 'bout somethin' in the cockpit. Seemed that River had gone and upset the Doc and Kaylee in his bunk, and she'd just run off.
That's when it first started, I suppose. I talked to her about it, and she said she was better but in a while she started cryin' and I didn't know what all to do. She jumped from her seat and made for the door – I'm thinkin' she was ashamed to be moonbrainin' again, in front of me – and was out into the ship, cryin' hard. It started in that I just meant to save her hands when she started beating hard on a cargo crate.
I took her hands and tried holding her, but she was so frustrated and wouldn't hold still, so I went to pick her up – she went an' fell right into my arms, still cryin'. She's so small…
I sat and rocked her, and she started talkin' to me 'bout how she has good moments now, how she feels like she's wakin' from a dream – can you believe it, I knew what she meant? I mean, it's River, who's been speakin' in riddles since I first met her – and how the cockpit was so quiet and… and on how it was nicer in my arms…
She was so embarrassed when she could think clearly again. To try and distract her a bit – or maybe to distract myself, I still ain't too sure – I offered to teach her 'bout Serenity and how to fly her. And… I said I'd teach her anything she wanted to know. All she had to do was ask.
And she smiled. She really smiled – that was, I'm guessin', the first real smile that River Tam has had herself in years.
So, over the next few weeks and months, she became my… our little Albatross. She had some more moments from time to time, some bad, some not so bad. Then, it happened again – she cried. Not really knowing what to do, I held her again, and it helped. After that, I just started doing it more. I guess I figured it was the least I could do
I'd… I'd never held someone like her before. Oh, sure, I've seen women. I've known women. But River ain't like any of them. For the first time in a very long time, I held someone who trusted me completely. Not everyone does that. Zoë trusts me, but she doesn't always need me. She's strong and I know that no matter what obstacle, or loss, she faces, she'll come out fine. Inara… well, she don't need anyone, it seems. Not me or no one… and even if she did, she'd never come out and say so.
Inara. I fell for her beauty for a long while – a good testament to how big a fool I am. I… It was bad news all around. After Miranda, I tried. She said she'd be stayin' on with Serenity for awhile longer, and I was really glad. I tried to make it work, to give us a chance. I wanted it to work…but, she's still a Companion. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the most virtuous man in my lifetime, but… why try making it work when she'll never be mine?
Is it too far fetched that someone like me could want someone to be mine? I've wondered that, from time to time. In the war I didn't, as I didn't think I'd live long. Now, though, things are changin'…
I never said nothing to anyone about it, but watching Zoë and Wash got to me. They had something to be envied. I was against it when they married – Zoë went against my direct orders to marry him. I thought she was crazy, or desperate, but… until then I just never considered that one person was worth putting so much on the line for. I didn't think it would last, either, or that someone as serious as Zoë could match well with someone as crazy as Wash.
I admit, they both proved me wrong.
Serious and crazy… would it really be worth it?
I know Zoe's been hurtin – I've tried to be there for her when I can. But, she mostly keeps to herself, and I know from experience that that's just how she is. Yet, even as sad as she is, she don't regret him. She ain't never said anything specific, and I won't ask her, but I can see it in her face when she cries. She cries from loneliness, not from regret. If she had regret, she'd be angry, not sad…
It would be worth it.
As the days go by, as jobs come and go, I find myself with River more and more. It ain't easy. She's not like she was before, except when she has a moment…
I can't tell now whether it was a mistake to have held her the first time or not. Now, whenever she gets upset I… I go to her and hold her. It makes the moment pass quicker, but the problem is that Kaylee and the others have seen me do it, and they each see it in different ways. Simon thanks me for being so kind to River, but insists that it isn't necessary. Jayne says I'm as looney as her. Zoë don't say much, but if she sees it, she'll just smile at me. I ain't seen Inara's reaction, she leaves when River acts up. Kaylee says it's right sweet of me, and then she'll go and skip off somewhere, usually following Simon.
None of them worry me. They can think what they like.
River, though, frightens me. She – even if she insists that she doesn't read my mind – has the potential to do so. When I think of what she'd find if she did get into my head…
I smile when she's in my arms. I can smell her – she smells like some kinda flower or something – if there is a heaven, it better help me, because I like it. I feel her hair in my fingers, her long hair, and I twirl it without thinking. She's so small… I know she can fend for herself – more so than any of our crew, for sure – but when I hold her I want to keep her safe. She curls up all tiny-like, but I notice that she ain't a little girl no more. I hear her whispers and mutterings and I hold her close, concentrating on her nonsense… and I know how she must feel. It's like I'm being given access to her thoughts, just as she can see ours. I try to just hold her, but each time I find myself wanting to do things, like stroke her face, rub her shoulders…
I ain't one to hope or believe in what I know can't be true, but for awhile I felt… I felt that she watched me. She doesn't now, so I guess its nothin'. I've imagined things like that before, with others.
But all the same, imagined or no, I do know for sure that there are some things I ain't imagining.
Like the more I'm with her, the more I want to be with her. The more she laughs, the more I'd like to make her laugh. I want to hold her even when there isn't a moment. I look forward to talking with her when she's thinking straight.
And the more time I let this go on, the more I don't want to let it change… and the more I start to see… her. I realize that I need her. Perhaps not in a physical manner, yet, but… I need her.
I need my pilot, I need my Albatross…
I need the person she's become.
I need… River.
A/N: Wow, the long awaited Mal chapter! There was so much pressure on this chapter! Honestly, I rewrote it three times, just because I didn't think the first few were good enough. But, I was pleased with this one... mostly. So, you all have been waiting (very patiently, I might add) for this chapter, so do be kind and let me know what you think of it. I can't wait to hear your reviews!
Oh, and by the way... I've gone through all the points-of-view, but I still have a large piece of story to tell. SO, I want to ask you reviewers (hint-hint), what would you prefer? I know the what I want said, content wise, but I would like to give you two choices: either I go back and finish thisup withanother chapter from River's point of view, or I write a chapter from an omnicient point of view. Would an omnicient POV ruin it? Or would that be nice? Please tell me what you think - I honestly can't decide... Or, wait for one last choice... I can also hold off and end it here and continue this with a omnicient one-shot. So, there are three choices... let me know!
