Julien
"Pardon?"
Kurt lethargically throws a leg over the side of the couch. A bare foot dangles over the edge. He is not listening. But, I too am losing my concentration. It is ironic that what distracts me is the very point I am trying to make.
"May I shut off the box?"
I nod to the idiot box as Kurt refers to it. His glassy eyes stare at the black and white screen, but his attention is somewhere outside this room.
"Knock yourself out, babe."
Now an arm is carelessly tossed behind his head, taking a sip of amber liquid from a tall glass. A dirty ashtray half-full of cigarettes sits next to him and signals that I am not welcome. Kurt is vaguely aware of his incredible beauty. It stuns me. Other people-complete strangers are the reminders to Kurt of his magnetism. Women wish to be near him, touch him, drink him in like an exotic potion. A feminine hand softly placed on his arm comes with the hope to detain the blonde prince for a moment. Some men harbor the same hunger for Kurt as the women. Others of the male sex offer beer, cigarettes, an invitation to an impromptu musical performance. Kurt responds with the same enthusiasm and decency for both of the sexes.
I am well aware that Kurt is not immune to the siren of sexual coupling. He does not have to brag, or relay previous experiences. The weekly arrival of perfume scented cards, photos of a hedonistic night of pleasure reflected in the semi-conscious grins of the subjects, bouquets of flowers…After a year, no special delivery would surprise me.
"Well…"
Kurt sighs feathering back layers of soft pale hair from his face. The dark blue denim trousers he wears are like a second skin. A thick, black leather belt with silver studs is secured low on his hips. Kurt's shirt is untucked and unbuttoned to expose a perfectly flat stomach with an appealing patch of gold hair at the center.
Men have never enticed me physically. The only activity I wanted to engage in was the debate of lofty subjects. I desired to learn from other men the languages, scientific theories and philosophies of which I was lacking. This much is embedded not only in my memory, but my very marrow. There is no comparison to the incredible attraction I possess towards Kurt. The desire exists despite my mental objections because it is simple nature. I have fallen in love with him. A laugh escapes my lips. I cannot remember who I was, what other life or lives I have led, but I easily recognize love in this formidable, uninhibited, tender man.
"What?"
He is slightly irritated. The blue of Kurt's eyes flashing at me matches a sky before a magnificent storm.
"I am attempting to explain to you, but you seem more interested in-"
"Balls, Jude," he lazily lights another cigarette. It bounces between his full lips as he speaks. "You've been worryin' around here like an ole mother hen all afternoon." He quickly inhales then blows perfect circles of smoke at me. "Ya got somethin' to say, out with it, speak plain, or stand on back."
"It must be such a relief to speak plain." The undefinable arousal flutters within my stomach. "But, I have not the language or the worldly knowledge of such discourse."
"Shit," Kurt's smile curls around the cigarette. "That's about as plain as String theory."
"What do you wish from me, Kurt? You are still angry about yesterday, I know this."
"Jude, ya outta know I don't hold onto day old anger. There are enough happenings today for me to get pissed about if I so choose."
"Happenings related to me."
"No," he stubs out his smoke. "God damn, Jude. You ain't the center of the universe."
"I did not intend to imply that I am."
"Did it piss me off no end your storming into the bar? Yeah. Did ya test my patience when ya smacked not one, but two perfectly fine drinks from my hand?"
"Kurt-"
His raised fingers delineate questions.
"Should I have been more tolerant when ya threatened to go for a third and insulted a sweet little thing before shoving me on my merry way?"
He lies back exposing his stomach and the flesh that distracts me to madness.
"Julien," Kurt's back arches against the smooth leather of the couch. "I should be more patient with you."
"Not possible," I divert my glance to the red tapestry on the far wall. "How can I expect you to understand the things that I myself do not."
"Well, now you're hittin' on the definition of a relationship."
"How is this?"
"I'm talkin' about why I play music. No one who feels love or pain or the thousand other experiences we all have can expect another to easily understand. You and me are set in this room together, but might be worlds away as far as what we're feeling."
"And the music?"
"It tells folks, here's what I've experienced; I bet y'all have done the same at one time or another. Let's kick back and forget about the shitty stuff for an hour or two. Let's everyone be on the same page for this space of time."
Kurt lingers on the letter I for a brief second longer than the others in words such as, time and mine. I want to crawl inside those I words. They are a warm bed of sound. They are music.
I am drowsy, but I must provide my explanation as best as I am able.
"May I sit, please?"
I'm looking at the ashtray to Kurt's right.
"Huh?" His eyes follow mine. He quickly removes the object. "Yeah, of course."
Now that I am seated the scent of smoke, mint and whiskey tempt me to move closer to the source of the alluring mix.
Where do I begin? I will my mind to clear itself of distractions.
"I entered the very same bar as you occupied yesterday."
"Yeah, we established your love of pub hijinks."
He does not comprehend the seriousness of my admission. I must be patient.
"It was when I first found myself in this new…" I search for the right words. "It was during the time before we became acquainted." I too spoke with Jessica."
Kurt furrows his brow.
"Why didn't ya tell me?"
"There was not a reason to tell until yesterday."
"But, you talked to Jessica? What did she say to you?"
My laugh is ironic at the remembrance.
"I was not welcomed as you were. I stumbled in from the street, hungry, thirsty, in total confusion."
Kurt shakes his knotted hair.
"I can't believe that same girl would not care for you kindly."
"It was not her fault. She had to deliver a message to me."
Kurt's head snaps back towards my face.
"A message? From who?"
"I did not find out. Jessica said that every person in the bar had walked through the fire. I could not sit among them because I had yet to do so."
"Walk through the fire? Is that referencing a metaphor or Johnny Cash?"
Exhaustion dulls my mind. Facts and emotions easily twist together.
"Kurt," I grab for his hand. "The time when we kissed-"
"Jesus Jude, I got the message. Wait, you think that kissing me was some kinda…" His innocent expression grimaces with pain. "Hold up! Y'all think that I'm some kind of damnation for you? Like if ya should get with me, you'd be facing the fires of hell?"
"No," I squeeze his hand. "You misunderstand."
He ignores my attempt at reassurance.
"I'm sure I've been a lousy lay at times, but a one way ticket to the deep south, I don't think I've ever been accused of that before."
"I speak plain as I am able. The kiss was a prelude to heaven for me. To be with you in such a way would be worth my soul-"
"No! See now that's where ya would be wrong."
"Kurt, shut up and let me speak!"
My words hit him like a rock to the head.
"I understand from Jessica I must discover something very particular that will deliver me, or more clearly, deliver the person who now shares my soul. I cannot fail in saving another. How do I deserve this life? What kind of man makes me if I give in to the overpowering love and desire I have for you, while someone else may be suffering terribly?"
Kurt pulls his knees to his chest. His sad eyes drift over an apartment he would know blindfolded. I have lost the breath for speech. The impact of my explanation silences me. My head succumbs to the soft leather of the couch.
He is leaving. Kurt is seated so close to me our legs touch, but he is a snuffed out candle. The light and the energy of the room follow when he departs. An invisible force has been summoned to protect him. This shield is palpable. I can no longer feel him, breathe in his scent. He is right here, yet he is already gone.
