MY JIHAD ON THE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG TWITTER IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. I AM PREPARED TO FIGHT MEMES WITH EVEN DANKER MEMES UNTIL THOSE WHO BLASPHEME THE GOOD NAME OF SONIC ARE DESTROYED. PLEASE ENJOY THE STORY.

Battle lines are drawn as Garfield comes back to finish what he started… but will Sonic be able to survive a heated fight against four of the strongest warriors Communism has ever seen?


"Fuck off, normies! REEEEEEEEEE!" Steve Buscemi screeched with a demonic wail. He threw himself at Sonic, poised to cleave out the hedgehog's jugular vein with his hunting knife.

Sonic showed no fear as he unzipped his jeans and swung his artificial gun-cock, smacking Buscemi with it across the face and sending him hurdling across the dirt. He rolled his eyes, "Who the hell is this dumbass?"

Steve Buscemi recoiled at the hedgehog's scathing words. "D-D-Dumbass? Nrgh… p-pretty cocky of you, thinking you can talk shit about me in front of my h-homies in my own hood! Gugh… ngh… you f-f-faggot…" The Communist assassin whimpered, utterly devastated. Garfield and his companions consoled Steve Buscemi as he proceeded to openly weep with his face to the ground.

STEVE BUSCEMI - Ability Name: Pretty Fly for a White Guy

Donald Trump furrowed his flaxen eyebrows with disgust, "These goddamn Commies are even more crooked than Hillary! How about you say we pump 'em full of lead, Sonic-kun?"

The ZOG-hating hedgehog beamed with satisfaction as he readied his dual machine guns and stared down the advancing forces of Cultural Marxism led by Garfield. He nodded his head and grinned, "Hell yeah, motherfucker!"

The wind, the fire, the smoke of burning rubber, and the puddles of blood on the grass all blurred together as Sonic and his brotherhood of patriotic fuckfury sped forth astride their motorcycle steeds to confront the armies of the Backstreet Boys. Sonic the Hedgehog wildly swung his bloodied chainsaw at the faceless masses, lopping off thousands of Marxist heads without pity. Such was the only appropriate course of action to take for a man of the cloth such as himself.

Sonic's legendary electric guitar — the Communist Slayer — produced a shimmering arc of red, white, and blue as it came crashing down upon the heads of his sodomous foes, splitting their skulls into 1,488 separate pieces. Righteous tears streamed down the hedgehog's face as he pounded out a pious riff of Norwegian black metal on this holy instrument, a melody of unequaled beauty that sent his heretical foes spiraling into a frenzy of terror.

"Brucia, brucia! Bellissima sinfonia di Trump!" Donald Trump cackled in a language that Sonic could only assume was Japanese as he roasted his foes alive, leaving behind only their teeth and genital bones. Sonic and Trump stood side by side and opened fire with their matching set of miniguns, ripping through hundreds of these foul socialists with ease in a brutal swath of genocidal hellviolence. Trump tipped his fedora as he lit up the remainder of his enemies and blew them away, "Arrivederci!"

"...What is this feeling? I've been slaying Commies for so long that even I was beginning to think it was hopeless. But these past few days have been nothing like that. I almost feel like I did when I was fighting with my homies, the Biker Brethren, all those years ago. What's changed, why do I suddenly feel this way?" Sonic pondered to himself in the heat of the battle.

Sonic smiled contently as he watched Alex Jones and Donald Trump slay all of the Marxists in sight without mercy. He'd be lying if he said this didn't remind him of his deceased allies from before the dark days of Americageddon.


"And then I gave her the Cleveland Steamer!" Sonic drunkenly guffawed, leaning back onto his motorcycle with his arm held over Garfield's shoulder. The portly feline and the rest of the sweaty bikers roared with laughter at the hedgehog's passionate quips and clinked their frosty beer mugs together in patriotic brotherhood.

Winnie the Pooh snickered, "Alright, I've got to hand it to you all. This group of yours may be weak as shit, but you sure can throw one hell of a party!"

Abe Lincoln played a lively tune on his guitar as all of his companions celebrated their latest victory. Even the usually shy Charles Barkley had joined in the festivities.

"Shut the front door, everyone. I made a feast just for the occasion!" The bikers cheered and raised their glasses as Guy Fieri walked into the room, carrying with him a banquet of meat fit for a group of red-blooded Americans such as this.


"Could it be… that I've started to have hope again? Hope that I can defeat the forces of Communism and finally save my country? Nah, that's fuckin' gay," Sonic shrugged off his newfound feelings of American kinship and decided to focus on the fight at hand. Donald Trump begins to panic after trapping a wasp under a cup.

Alex Jones put a Communist gunman in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground before he could open fire. The hairs atop this pious American's bare chest swayed elegantly in the wind as he launched himself into the fray, heading straight for Garfield and his elite soldiers.

"A ring ding ding ding beng beng baa baa!" Crazy Frog's unmistakable battle cry echoed throughout the night as he intercepted Alex Jones's attack, driving him back to the earth's surface with a suplex slam.

CRAZY FROG - Ability Name: It's Raining Men

Jones wiped the blood from his chin and smirked, "You're on a whole 'nother level than the rest of these globalist maggots, ladies and gentlemen! It looks like FILTERED WATER and PATRIOTISM alone won't be enough to defeat you. Praise Washington-sama that I thought to bring my nutritional supplements along with me!" The info warrior unzipped his fanny pack and revealed his assortment of herbal concoctions and arcane extractions, each bearing a unique ability formulated for the sole purpose of slaying Communists.

Jones's muscles ballooned to an enormous size as he downed the contents of one of his formulas. He threw back his head and bayed at the moon, "Strength ENHANCE! Super Male Vitality!" Alex Jones swung his meaty fists at Crazy Frog and socked him to the dirt, overwhelming the amphibian with his greatly heightened strength.

Crazy Frog directed his wide, buggy eyes in Jones's direction. They were the windows to a broken soul, of a man with no future and no will to live. The frog's cold, dead stare seemingly peered inside of him, making all of the American's hairs stand on end. He beamed and revealed his blood stained teeth, "Heh… you're not bad, stranger. That pain that you gave me almost made everything feel real. It called forth the life within me. Sometimes, I forget what it's like to actually feel 'alive'. It's been a good while since I've felt like that, long before Americageddon began. I hope that I can help you escape from the endless nightmare that is reality, stranger…"

Donald Trump's scarf fluttered in the breeze behind him as he clashed against Brendan Fraser, the tactical advisor of the Backstreet Boys. Trump strained his muscles to their maximum capacity just to keep up with Fraser's electric movements as their fight continued.

"SABOTAGE!" Brendan Fraser shouted as he rushed at Trump, knocking his flaming swords out of his hands with a furious barrage of punches.

BRENDAN FRASER - Ability Name: Beastie Boys

"Think about what you're doing, laddy. You have begun to walk down Meifumadō, the demon's path! To protect the safety of the Americaverse and stop this endless cycle of bloodshed, I have no choice but to kill you. If you surrender now, I'll let Anne and everyone else go free. You can't resist the strength of Communism, there's no point in even trying! I learned that the hard way. Will you come with me willingly, or will you die here and now?" Garfield asked in a grave tone of voice. He reached out his hand, offering the hedgehog one final chance to resolve their conflict peacefully.

Sonic smacked away Garfield's opened hand, "I don't fuck wit' chumps. Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touching ya hand!"

The hedgehog darted at him and swiped Anne Frank from his sweaty grasp before he could react. He knelt down, resting the unconscious woman on a patch of grass far away from the battlefield. He whispered in her ear, "Don't worry, Anne. In the name of Abe Lincoln, Charles Barkley, and everyone else those goddamn Commies slaughtered, I'll make him pay!"

The musclebound cat withdrew his newly repaired chainsaw-nunchuks and readied himself for a fight. He bowed his head and began to speak, "I won't go easy on you like I did the last time, Sonic. I will show you the power that Larry the Cable Guy taught me, the power of the Patriotic Drive!"

GARFIELD - Ability Name: Real G's Move in Silence Like Lasagna

Sonic instinctively leapt backwards as he felt the movement of Garfield swinging his fist at him from behind. The hedgehog's eyes widened with shock as he turned his head, realizing that the feline hadn't moved even an inch from his original location.

Garfield's twin saws sliced in Sonic's direction from the side, forcing the hedgehog to crouch down and roll out of harm's way. Sonic gritted his teeth, "You… how the hell are you doing that? How can you attack me from all angles without taking a single step? There's no fuckin' way you're that fast!"

Garfield nodded, "I'm glad to see your senses haven't dulled over the years, old friend. It's just as you thought — my main body hasn't moved at all. However, my limbs are a different case!"

Sonic pivoted his head upwards and stared upon Garfield's chainsaw nunchuks floating in midair suspended by Garfield's disembodied arms. His pudgy digits retreated back into the dark portal where they originally emerged from, returning back to their original locations on Garfield's body.

"Shit, I must be trippin'! I need to lay off the goddamn Jenkem," Sonic did a double take, rendered speechless by his former comrade's supernatural ability. Sonic loves butthash almost as much as he loves America.

"This is the ability that the Cable Guy granted me to enact my dark justice, Sonic! Using the power of the Patriotic Drive, I can create portals at will in any place I desire. I can use them to transport any object to any location. I can even send my whole body through one! I will use this power to reduce your very existence to silence… silence like lasagna!" Garfield roared with indignation. Sonic leapt in pursuit of his enemy and swung his guitar, but Garfield shrank down into one of his portals and vanished before his attack could land.

"Sonic-kun, get out of there! He's behind you!" Donald Trump cried from the sidelines, but his warning came far too late. Garfield had reappeared from a portal and impaled Sonic through the back with his chainsaw, dealing him a decisive blow. Sonic collapsed at Garfield's feet, mortally wounded and gagging on his own blood.

Crazy Frog and Brendan Fraser made short work of their star-spangled opponents, beating them both unconscious and tossing them in a heap alongside Sonic. "What are your orders, vice-commander Garfield? Should we execute them all now and return back to base? What about the girl, Anne Frank? Should we kill her too?" Crazy Frog inquired. Steve Buscemi won't stop complaining about how he hates "Chads."

"NO! I… I mean, there's no need for that! With those wounds, the Communist-Hunter won't live much longer. Even if he does somehow miraculously survive, the other hostage we captured will ensure that he won't try anything foolish again. Just leave them all here to bleed out!" Garfield ordered, briefly losing his composure. Even after everything that had transpired, he still couldn't bear the thought of murdering his former compatriots.

After the soldiers of the Backstreet Boys had departed, Anne Frank regained consciousness and tried to rouse Sonic from his catatonic state. The wounded hedgehog rose from the grass and groaned, still groggy from his fight with Garfield. He turned to Anne Frank and furrowed his brow, "Bloody shit, how long was I out for? Did I get tore the fuck up drinkin' Jägermeister again? And before you say anything, I can quit anytime I want to. I don't have a goddamn drinking problem."

The hedgehog took on a much more serious mien as Anne Frank broke down and began to weep in his arms. "What's wrong, Anne? Did that Commie bastard hurt you? Tell me what happened, I swear I'll mirk his punk ass for this!" Sonic spoke, his voice full of anger over Garfield's betrayal.

She shook her head, "Sonic, it's much worse than that! Forgive me for never telling you the truth, but I can't keep it a secret any longer. Garfield… he kidnapped our son! He kidnapped Richard Nixon!"

Sonic stood aghast. Overcome with shock, the hedgehog barely managed to get the words out of his mouth, "I… I have a son?"