Chapter 7: Numb

A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. This is unbeta'd so apologies for any & all mistakes. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!

NB: EDITED *01/16/2010 to add Outtake (chapter 31) back into it's rightful place :)*

Charlie was gone. When my legs collapsed underneath me in the hospital I didn't notice, Jacob was there to catch me. He slung me in his arms the way Sam had when Edward left. I sobbed into his shirt and screamed. I hoped the screams would take away the pain. They didn't. Fresh tears sprung to my eyes and I couldn't figure out where all the water was coming from. Surely I should have been completely dried up by now.

"I'll help you take care of things. I'm here for you Bella." Jacob whispered into my ear. Jacob had loved Charlie too – even if their relationship had been strained lately. Because of me. "Can I take you back to your house?"

Home. Where Charlie's presence would be stamped on every item. I couldn't do it. Not yet. I shook my head fiercely. "Edward." I managed to say. I fumbled with the phone Edward had given me and passed it to Jacob. He shifted my position slightly to free up one arm and rang the one person he hated most in the world. For me. I was too far gone to listen to any part of the conversation. To care if they were playing nice with each other. I just knew I had to get out of the hospital. Away from the sickening scent of pine disinfectant and the memory of Charlie lying broken in the hospital bed.

I was vaguely aware when we started to move, Jacob's arms swaying like a cradle as he carried me to the car. I heard the door click open and Jacob gently placed me into the passenger seat. He reached the seatbelt around me. A numbness that I recognised all too well from when Edward left was settling upon me. My body's natural reaction to pain maybe. I couldn't even function enough to voice my thank you to Jacob. He had proven by his actions that he was still a friend to me. Even after all we had been through. Normally that would have shocked me or gladdened me but now I couldn't care.

The car door shut just inches from my face and I leant down and pressed my forehead onto the cool glass of the window. My tears were dry for the moment, just two tracks of salt burning my face remained in evidence that they ever existed. I didn't notice how far we went or how long I was in the car. I couldn't even say what we passed along the way. I just knew that eventually we stopped. And when we did cool arms lifted me from the car. I buried my face into his neck. I could hear voices, not raised necessarily but full of venom as if they were shouting. I couldn't hear what they said or maybe I was just beyond comprehension of even the simplest of things.

Soon I was moving again. I could tell I was going up stairs but how many I couldn't even guess. A door opened behind me and seconds later I was in a bed. I curled tighter into myself. I felt my head get lifted and stone hard legs were beneath me. It wasn't as comfortable as a pillow, but it was much more comforting. Edward stoked my hair. He didn't say anything. He didn't tell me it would be all right. I was thankful for that. At least he wasn't lying to me because nothing would ever be all right again. Charlie was gone.

*****

We stayed like that for hours. Occasionally I would hear him murmuring but I couldn't pay attention to what he was saying. I didn't think he was talking to me anyway. Eventually I fell asleep against Edward. I was thankful that my sleep was free of dreams. Free of nightmares. When I woke Edward had shifted position. He was lying next to me, turned towards me so we were face to face. He didn't smile when he saw that I was awake, just stroked my face gently to let me know he was there for me.

I was suddenly overcome with a need to shake off the numbness. I needed to feel alive, to prove that I wasn't dead too. I felt dead. I shifted one hand, moving it closer to Edward. His eyes noticed the movement and a look of relief passed over his face for an instant. I continued to move my hand until it was in his hair. He copied my movement with his own hand. I cupped my hand behind his head and closed the inches between our mouths. I wanted to pour my grief into him, so he could take half the load. I kissed him hard, not caring how much hurt I inflicted on myself. Hurt was a feeling. He kissed me back for half a second before pulling away.

"No, Bella. Not like this."

"Please, Edward, I need you."

"No."

The tears that had stopped threatened to start again. Hurt and rejection flooded through me.

Edward stroked my face gently, "Bella, I'm here for you. Always. But I know you will regret this later. Remember we're only supposed to be friends."

What he said made sense in one part of my brain, but the other part screamed to be comforted. He seemed to recognise the need to be close to him in my eyes because he shifted his body closer to me, so close there wasn't a gap between us. He reached his arm up behind my head and crushed it gently to his body. I broke. The numbness broke again to allow the flood of tears to start. I sobbed openly against his chest and he stoked my hair and my back. Eventually the sobs subsided and he kissed the top of my hand and I nuzzled my face into his neck.

I couldn't stop myself from planting small kisses over his exposed skin. He didn't say anything but I could tell from the set of his body and the way he clenched his jaw he was battling within himself to keep control. To do what he thought was right for me in the long run. But I didn't care about long run. I felt the need to be close to him as a physical ache. Every cell in my body needed it. Needed him. My hands acted of their accord and tugged his shirt out from his pants. I placed my fingers on the exposed skin of his stomach and side.

"Bella!" He growled against me, but it wasn't a rebuttal or an acceptance.

I pulled my head back and gazed into his eyes. They were filled with lust and confusion.

"Please?" I begged him.

He shifted his head slightly and I took it as an acceptance, I captured his mouth with mine and traced my hands up his chest. He shivered with pleasure. Then he cupped one hand on my face and pulled it away from his. I thought it was another rejection but instead he whispered, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

How could I explain to him that it wasn't a want. It was a need. I needed him in this moment. "I need to know I'm still alive. Life is far, far too short."

His lips were back on mine in an instant, the desire and love that he had worked so hard to bury this past month broke to the surface. I could tell his need was every bit as great as mine. Part of me thought he would hold back like he used to, give me so much but stop before things progressed too far. So I was surprised when he rolled over and leaned his body down on top of me. He was supporting his own weight so I felt nothing but the softest pressure from his body. I unbuttoned his shirt and he raised himself off me briefly to shake it off. I raked my fingernails up his back before twirling my hand into his hair, tugging it gently. I wrapped my legs around his thighs and pulled him closer into me.

He pulled his face back from mine, laying his hand on my face, "You're positive about this?"

I pulled his face back down to mine in response. He growled against my mouth as the last of his barriers fell away, "I've wanted you so much, Bella. Ever since that kiss when I stayed over your house."

"Me too, Edward." I decided if I was going to do this tonight, I would lay it all on the line. I knew it was a one-off and I didn't want to leave anything unsaid, "I love you."

His eyes smouldered intensely as he stared at me. Then he beamed and I felt alive, for the first time…ever. Every nerve in my body suddenly began to call for Edward and I pushed all thoughts of sorrow and loss out of my head.

He unbuttoned my shirt slowly, running his fingers down the line of my sternum as he went. After it was completely unbuttoned he gently brushed both sides of my shirt apart and leant his face to my chest, kissing in slow swirls around the top of my breasts. He pushed his hand into one of my bra cups and pushed it down, gasping as his fingers found my nipple. He gently rubbed it, sending a shudder through my body.

He slid his hand around my side and I arched my back to allow him access to the bra strap and he deftly flicked it open before pulling me up into a sitting position, sliding my shirt off and then following with my bra strap. He pressed his face into the crook of my neck and I leaned back into his arms, allowing him to hold me upright or lie me down as he wished. His cold lips trailed fire across my collarbone and into my neck. He took my weight in one of his arms and used the other to gently start to massage my breasts, running his fingers over my nipples, the cool of his skin burning me with pleasure.

"You are so beautiful, Bella."

I allowed every thought to leave my mind and just concentrated on the here and now. Edward's hand was running back up my neck and into my hair. He pulled my face back into his, dragging my lips between his. I parted my mouth, allowing him to give me everything he wanted to. Allowing him to control the limits we crossed.

"I'm going to ask you a strange question, but I need you to answer honestly," he whispered softly into my neck.

I nodded, beyond words.

"Do you have any cuts, or sores in your mouth? Bitten your cheek anything like that?"

I found myself laughing a little.

"I'm serious, Bella."

I stopped my laughter and shook my head. I felt his hand gently form a fist in my hair and then his lips were on mine. I parted my lips and his tongue pressed hard into my mouth, exploring every crevice. I pushed my tongue back against his and he hummed against me. I understood the need for his question at once as I tasted his venom in my mouth. It was the single-most delicious taste I had ever encountered. Especially in such a concentrated dose. It lit up all the areas of my tongue at the same time, tasting equally sweet and sour and bitter in perfect portions. I couldn't see how I would ever get enough of that taste. My breaths came in desperate pants as he filled my mouth completely. I needed him to fill me everywhere.

Too soon he broke it off, but his eyes burnt with such intense joy I knew he wasn't stopping, merely allowing me to catch my breath. Didn't he realise that would be impossible right now?

He laid me back down onto the bed and moved his mouth back onto my shoulders before taking one of my nipples into his mouth. I could feel his tongue running across it again and again until I was squirming underneath him with the pressure I felt between my legs. I reached down and unbuttoned his jeans, silently letting him know I wanted everything tonight.

He paused his ministrations on my body for a second as I slid down his zipper. He rested his hand over mine, "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure about anything," I panted fervently.

His mouth was back on mine, his tongue back inside as I caressed it with my own. He gently slid his pants off so that he was just in his boxers. I slid my hand around his back and pushed my hand onto the waist band with my thumb inside and bunched them into my fist, pulling his body closer to me. He still balanced himself precariously on top so that I felt no weight, just his cool body. With just the satin of his boxers and my own jeans between us I could feel how excited he was, how much he was straining into me. And it only made me want him more.

I broke our kiss off and moved my head to his neck, and followed the cool line of his collarbone. His muscles trembled and flickered beneath my fingers. The movement would have been barely perceptible except my nerve-endings were so tightly strung. I ran my hand over his chest, down the line of his stomach and rubbed him over the top of his boxers. He grunted and then whispered, "That's…just…." His eyes rolled up in pleasure and he was beyond words too. I felt powerful having this effect over him.

I undid my own jeans and wriggled them off, taking my panties with them. Edward seemed to panic again now that I was naked in front of him. His eyes were wide but his boxers strained further.

"It's okay," I assured him, before gently pressing my lips to his chin. I pushed his boxers down and a more perceptible tremor ran along his spine. I slid them the last of the distance with my feet until he was completely free of them.

I felt him at my entrance but he seemed terrified, not wanting to take the final plunge, so to speak. That was when I remembered this was the first time for him. The first time he'd even come close to being this intimate with anyone.

"Roll over," I whispered in his ear, pushing him gently to make my point. He pushed himself off me and laid beside me on the bed. As I started to shift myself on top of him I suddenly had a sickening thought. I completely felt like the middle-aged divorcee teacher seducing the young high school student. Exactly how this situation would appear to outsiders, although I wasn't middle-aged quite yet. But Edward seemed to have unfrozen a little as a result of my confidence and his hands ran down my sides. It was enough to put the thoughts out of my head. I promised myself again that tonight nothing else mattered. Just him and me. I sat on his stomach and the chill sent an instant shiver of pleasure up my spine. I leant over to kiss him again before sliding down the length of his body and pressing myself over him.

We both gasped as he entered me. It was such a different experience to the only other I'd had. That was hot and burning, this was cold and magic. A deep guttural groan escaped my mouth as I pushed myself down onto him again. He chuckled slightly but then I pushed my hips backwards, changing the angle and he issued one himself. Now that we were connected all his inhibitions and worry evaporated. His hands moved to my hips and he started to gently guide me up and down over him.

"Bella, you're perfect." He whispered, "You are so beautiful."

He flipped over again and was back on top of me, pressing hard into me, but not hard enough. I grasped his back and pulled him into me, our bodies connected in every possible way as he put his mouth to mine. He started to move harder and faster and my body sang for him.

He continued to move at a slow, steady rhythm. We were truly making love. Slow, passionate and needful. I found my release and then he followed straight after, falling onto me pressing his face into my neck before turning quickly away and pushing himself off me a little, pulling mouthfuls of air.

"What's wrong?"

"You just smell so good," he said. His eyes were hungry when he turned back to look at me. I relaxed my hold on him completely and froze but he made no further effort to extricate himself.

"In a good way or a bad way?" I asked tentatively.

He gathered control of the monster and then he chuckled, I'd asked him that before and he gave me the same answer as he did them. "Both. Always both."

He kissed me again, before lying beside me and collecting me into his arms, humming my lullaby to me.

*****

When I woke up again, I wondered if it had all been a dream. But it couldn't have been because I was currently curled onto Edward's chest and he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. When he noticed I was awake he started to stroke the length of my arm with his fingertips.

"How are you feeling, love?"

"Sad." And that all. I was no longer numb. I was no longer beyond processing simple information. I was sad that Charlie was gone. I would miss him so much. But I also recognised the need to pick myself up and move on with life as best as I could.

Edward pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me again.

"Edward? About last night. I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"You know..."

He predicted what I was going to say but sounded sad when he replied, "I know. It doesn't change anything. I know when we return to Fairfield I will have to go back to hiding everything I feel for you."

I nodded against him, a few tears welling in my eyes.

"I'm not sorry though," He said.

"Me neither. Not really."I felt my stomach growl, it felt twisted and sick. I hadn't realised how hungry I was. "How long was I out for?"

"Well, you were catatonic for almost a full day. Then you finally slept for around four hours, then well - last night, and then you slept for another 12 hours."

"So it's been a few days since I left Fairfield?"

"Yes, love. But the funeral is the day after tomorrow so we'll stick around until then."

I nodded, "Who organised it?"

"Jacob. And Renee arrived from Jacksonville and helped him. She came by here but you didn't notice her knocking and, well, I could hardly answer the door. Jacob has my number though and is keeping me informed."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here with me. I don't know how I would have coped without you."

"You would have." He stroked my hair again.

I laughed darkly, "Don't be so sure about that."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you left I was completely unresponsive for a full week and then I felt numb for months."

He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "I'll never forgive myself for doing that. I still can't believe what it has cost us."

I pushed myself off his chest and looked into his face, "The sad thing is we probably would have ended up here anyway. How long do you honestly think I could get away with having a seventeen year old boyfriend. Especially if I had still gone into teaching. Realistically it was doomed before it began."

A sound escaped his lips that sounded a lot like a sob. When I looked up his face was a mask of calm, but the tightening of his neck muscles told me that he wasn't quite as in control as he appeared.

When he spoke it was so quiet I had to strain to hear every word, "Sometimes, in my most selfish moments, I wonder if I would have been better off letting the venom spread when you were attacked by James."

Shock silenced me for a minute, "I don't know. Part of me agrees with you but I look at what I have achieved, finishing college and working and I wonder if I would have been sad eventually if I had missed all that."

I felt him nod against my head. He understood exactly what I meant. My stomach growled again. He sighed, "I don't want to let this moment go. I feel like if I let you out of my arms now, I'll never be whole again."

"I know, but we still have tomorrow." I whispered.

After Edward climbed out of bed, I sat up tentatively. I remembered my first time with Jacob, and a couple of times after that, he hadn't realised his own strength when we got carried away and I had ended up quite bruised. I didn't even realise until the following morning. I quickly scanned all my limbs but I couldn't see anything. I couldn't remember any discomfort last night, if anything Edward had held himself too far away for my liking.

I was just finishing my inspection, thinking I had been subtle enough for him not to notice when Edward asked, "What are you doing, Bella?"

I looked over to where his voice came from. I had thought he was still behind me on his side of the bed, but obviously he had come around to help me up.

I let loose a little laugh in my discomfort.

"Bella?"

I shook my head.

"Tell me what you're doing, please?" His face was inches from mine now as he crouched in front of me.

"Fine. If you must know I'm checking for bruises."

He looked disgusted with himself, "Did I hurt you?"

"No. I just... well... I have some experience with people with superhuman strength and bruises aren't out of the question."

"That mongrel mutt," he fumed before his jaw snapped shut.

"Edward, no, it's not like that. I just bruise easily. He never physically hurt me, not really. I just knew how you would react if you saw bruises after last night so I wanted to see what the damage was before you had a chance."

"I didn't even stop to think. I used to worry about it so much, but last night I just got carried away."

"It's okay. Obviously if you didn't hurt me despite being caught up in the moment there was nothing to worry about. See, I'm fine!" My head spun a little as I stood and I almost face planted but Edward was there to catch me.

"You were saying?"

I laughed again, it sounded wrong in light of Charlie's death but although I felt sad I also felt alive in a way I hadn't since I was eighteen. "That I'm famished."

Edward looked sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, there's no food in here, and they don't do room service. That means you have to leave. I don't want you to go."

I rubbed my finger along the side of his mouth. "I'll be back. I need to eat, and I need to see Renee. But I'll be back tonight and then I promise you my undivided attention."

He kissed me and passed me the keys to the rental car.

*****

As I drove away from the motel, sadness took me over again. It wasn't so bad that I couldn't drive but I definitely noticed that absence of Edward. He had soothed me wordlessly just by being in my presence. He had known exactly what I needed since I heard the news about Charlie.

I stopped at a little cafe on in the middle of Forks for some food and regretted it immediately. People I knew from school were there, the only one whose name I could remember was Tyler. They walked over to me and offered me their condolences. I nodded, everyone in town must have heard of their police chief's passing by now. I wanted to flee, the run back to motel and hide with Edward again. I couldn't deal with my grief without him and I certainly couldn't deal with sympathy from strangers. I ordered my coffee and bagel to go and raced back to the car for refuge.

I drove aimlessly around the streets for a while, being assaulted by memories of my time here with Edward and my life here with Charlie. Without consciously deciding to go there, I found myself pulling up in front of Charlie's house. I didn't notice the other hire car parked around the corner at first but Renee ran out to meet me as soon as she heard my car pull up.

"Oh, baby. How are you?" She pulled me into her.

I just nodded sadly. "Thanks for helping to arrange everything mom. I don't know if I could have faced any of that."

She patted my back gently, it made me flashback to being five again. It was her way of making me feel better. "It was nothing, baby. I know how hard this is for you."

"Can I come in?" I asked her.

"Of course, baby. After all, it's yours now."

"What?"

"Everything's yours now. It's in Charlie's will. Obviously there are legal matters that need to be settled and everything but he's left everything to you."

I didn't care. I didn't know if I wanted any of the things in this house. They would all be painful reminders, not only of Charlie but also of Edward and me. I walked into the house and sat in Charlie's favourite chair. In that second I wished for vampire's senses. I would have loved to be able to breathe in Charlie's scent and memorise it. I decided to try the best I could as a human. I turned my face into the headrest and breathed deeply. The smell did remind me of him. I curled my arms around me and started to sob.

Renee returned to whatever she was doing before I arrived. Leaving me alone with my grief. I cried until I had nothing left. Then I sat while silent sobs wracked my chest and made me dry-retch.

"Mom?" I called to her, my voice hoarse.

"Yes honey?"

"Would you mind packing all this up for me? I just can't face it yet."

She perched herself next to me and kissed my head. "Of course, sweetie."

I didn't know what I was going to do with everything. I just knew I needed more time. I spent the rest of the day sitting in Charlie's chair, staring unseeingly out the window. Eventually I stood. "I'm going back to the motel. I need to sleep."

"Of course. See you tomorrow."

I grabbed some sandwiches from a service station on my way back. I wasn't really hungry but I knew I needed to keep my strength up. I climbed the stairs back to the hotel room warily. In the past day I had learned the true meaning of the term bone-tired. The door opened before my hand reached it and I found myself curled on Edward's lap while he silently stroked my hair. I turned my face into his neck and lay there in silence. Allowing his presence to calm me again.

When he felt I was calm enough he asked, "How'd it go?"

I shrugged.

"Did you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head.

He gently put me on the couch next to him and placed the sandwiches I had brought into the fridge. He pulled me back into his lap and hummed my lullaby for me but I was too drained to even sleep.

Eventually he stood and carried me over to the bed, placing me under the covers. He shifted a white box off the bed and put it on the dresser.

"What's that?"

"Alice sent it up via courier. It's a dress for you for tomorrow. I didn't pack any acceptable clothing for you. I didn't think..." His face was drawn. I patted the bed next to me and he lay down in it. And we lay there face to face until I finally drifted off to sleep.

*****

"Bella. It's time to get up, love." I was being shaken gently.

The sun was high in the sky already, "How long did I sleep?"

"Too long, but I just couldn't wake you, not while you were so peaceful."

I didn't understand what he meant and it must have shown on my face.

"You were very fitful most of the night, crying out for your dad. You finally settled a few hours ago. I wanted to leave you as long as possible."

"Thank you."

He started the shower for me and unpacked the dress Alice had bought. He shepherded me around the motel room until I was fully dressed.

"I'm going to drive you down today."

I shook my head, "No, it's too risky."

"I don't care, Bella. I can't let you drive, not like this. I'll park far enough away and pay attention to all the thoughts around me. It'll be alright."

I wanted to argue with him but it was just too hard. I knew I needed him with me. If it hadn't been for the consequences I would have demanded he not leave my side at all. I nodded and let him lead me to the car. He pulled on a hooded jumper, baseball cap and sunglasses. He pulled the hood over his face. I couldn't help but giggle a little at the sight.

"Well, do you think they'll recognise me?" He asked with a lopsided grin on his face. Then he turned solemn again. "Come on, love, we'd better go or we'll be late."

I nodded and let him lead me down to the car and into the worst nightmare of my life. Saying good-bye to my dad.

A/N: Sorry I know I promised a few people this would be up hours ago & if I had my way it would have been but I was stuck in place whose WIFI wouldn't allow me to get onto this site. I am now sitting up way past my bedtime to ensure I get it up asap for you. Hope you enjoyed it :)