Chapter Six: The Truth of the Matter
"Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
~Bella Cullen~
"Liefje, are you awake?"
A warm breeze wafted across my face as I turned my head. I could make out his unruly hair in the early morning sun and the smile that graced his face.
My lips rose into a grin of contentment as he stared at me. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer as his voice rumbled sexily in my ear.
"Good morning, Mijn Schoonheid."
"Mmmm. It is a good morning, isn't it?" I snuggled closer to his chest, reveling in the warmth I felt there. I could hear the waves of the Mediterranean crashing against the shore outside and smell the salt in the air. I didn't want to move an inch and for over a week I wouldn't have to.
I could just be: in this place, with Edward, and nothing but time on our hands.
A calloused hand made its way down my naked flesh. The heat spread from its fingertips and burned into my body in a delicious way. I moaned as Edward's fingers met my center and shamelessly ground myself against him. It was as though we hadn't just been together mere hours earlier. But I didn't care; it was our honeymoon. I was going to get in as much of this as I could, and I knew Edward felt the same.
"Hmmm, Liefje you're always so ready for me," he growled as I moaned into his touch and thrust my pelvis. I moved my own hand down his body until I wrapped my fingers around him and he throbbed in my hand.
"Fuck," he hissed.
"So are you Agent Cullen. Always so ready."
"I never know when I might be called upon." He murmured cheekily as his lips attached to my neck. I chuckled but then moaned again at his ministrations.
Our bodies moved in a languid dance, fingers twisting and pressing, bringing us closer and closer to our ends, until Edward had enough and rolled me on top of him. In one simply movement I was above him, his cock ready at my entrance and my body aching for him yet again.
"So are you saying you're at attention Agent Cullen?" I smirked as I rubbed myself over him.
He grumbled low in his chest as his eyes moved up my body, hands following over my breasts.
"Ready, willing and able, Mrs. Cullen," he teased as he rolled my nipple with his fingers and I bit down hard on my lip.
I lifted myself up and sunk down on him without another word and we both moaned at the contact. Back and forth I rocked, slow and steady then fast and hard. I alternated until his eyes were so black I thought he might go crazy.
"What do you want Edward?"
"You Bella, just you. Forever."
"I'm here. I'm yours…forever." I leaned down and met his lips with mine. Soon we were both moving faster, unable to hold back, as we raced toward our climax.
I closed my eyes and threw my head back as I felt him, really felt him inside me, against me, all around me.
"Come back to me, Liefje."
I heard his words and tried to open my eyes to look at him.
"I'm here." I murmured again.
What did he mean?
"Come back to me, Liefje."
My eyes fluttered as I tried to focus and suddenly realized I wasn't in Greece. We weren't on our honeymoon. We most definitely weren't in the position I had just dreamt.
"Hmmm." I turned my head to look at Edward, but I was no longer met by sex tousled hair and a shitty grin. White light blinded my eyes as I tried to blink and look at him. When I finally saw him, he wasn't relaxed and grinning. He looked tired, with three days of stubble and a troubled expression on his face.
"Liefje, I'm right here." Fingers stroked my face and I tried to turn my body. But instead of feeling a welcome soreness as in my dream, a sharp pain shot through my abdomen and I gasped.
"Bella, Bella. You're okay. You're just sore from your surgery."
"Surgery?" I mumbled and closed my eyes from the blinding light.
Edward kissed my forehead and I felt him exhale a breath against me.
My mind raced with thoughts as I pondered his words. Suddenly the last two days came back to me and I winced.
James chasing me.
The fight at our doorway.
Calling for Edward and hitting my head.
The blackness.
I drew a deep breath as I tried to calm down. I had never been prone to panic attacks, so I wasn't sure what brought on the one I had. Regardless, it seemed as though I was overwhelmed easily the last couple of days. The doctors said it could be the combination of my body healing from my concussion and emergency surgery to get our daughter out.
Which brought my mind to Lucy, our sweet baby girl.
"Where's…"
"She's right here. Sleeping in her crib."
I opened my eyes and turned my head to see the cart crib they used in the hospital. She was bundled up inside, a little pink hat covering her thick dark hair as she breathed deeply.
"What time is it?" I looked at the window and noticed the sun rising—the blinding light I must have noticed when I woke up.
"Just after seven. Do you want me to call down and get breakfast?" Edward murmured.
I nodded and gingerly tried to sit up. The IV in my hand still ached and my midsection was so sore it was like having ice picks stuck in me.
But I was alive, and our baby girl was here, so I wouldn't complain about it.
Edward promptly ordered breakfast as I stared at Lucy. She was so little, just over five pounds. But she was perfect and content as could be. As my mind started to clear I realized it was our third day in the hospital and we might get to go home that afternoon.
"Are you alright, Liefje?" Edward stroked his hand through my hair and I nodded as my befuddled brain settled into its surroundings.
"Yes, why?" I finally asked.
"You were groaning in your sleep. I thought maybe you were in pain." His eyes were worried as he asked me and I furrowed my brow in contemplation.
Then I blushed; because how I could even be dreaming such dreams at that time I didn't know.
"It was just a dream," I muttered and Edward gave me a blank look.
"I was dreaming about Greece." I looked down and he chuckled then, easing the tension.
"Really? Well, it's going to be a while for that. Eight weeks the doctor said." Edward finally cracked some semblance of a smile.
"Damn, and I thought six was bad." I joked and Edward laughed.
"I'm just glad you're safe. I—"
"Don't. I don't want to talk about this here. Let's just wait until we get home alright?" I stopped him because I knew where he was headed.
He wanted to know everything. He wanted to analyze and figure out what he could have done differently. I knew him; he would blame himself about this for decades.
But I couldn't let him. Because nothing could have prevented what happened, nothing by us anyway.
Edward finally nodded and went to answer the knock at the door announcing our room service.
We ate quietly until Lucy started to stir and let out a wail. Luckily my milk had started to come in a bit the night before. I hadn't realized it took longer for women who had c-sections. I finally had enough to feed her at least a few times during the day.
As Lucy latched on, I could feel Edward's eyes on us and I looked up at him. His face was stoic, but his eyes gave him away.
"Will you…why don't you join us?" I murmured and he looked up at me.
He moved in behind me, careful not to jostle us and put his arms around my back. I felt him take a shuddering breath against me and I closed my eyes to will the tears away.
What if something had happened to her? What if something happened to me? I couldn't imagine leaving Edward to care for our children or even think of losing Lucy.
But I willed the tears away because she was here and we were okay. Now I needed to reassure Edward as well.
"She has your determined forehead you know," I said as I looked down at her.
"Oh yeah?" His voice caught a bit, but he cleared it and perched his head on my shoulder.
"Yeah, she's definitely a Cullen. A fighter." I turned to look at him and held his gaze.
"I love you both, so much." He swallowed and looked back down at Lucy and squeezed his arms around me.
"I love you too. Don't ever forget that."
"I won't." He kissed my neck and I shivered as I realized just how precious my family was to me.
*&^%$#
"Easy, easy." Edward chided as he helped me into the apartment and settled me onto the couch. Esme followed with Lucy in her carrier and a sympathetic look on her face.
"It'll get better in a day or two." She smiled. "I had to have a c-section with Alice and…well, I don't envy you."
I nodded and then winced in pain.
The hospital ended up keeping both of us for a full five days rather than just three. Though Lucy was a few weeks early, she was perfectly healthy and they let her come home with us. I was a bit stir crazy by the time we left the hospital, but being back at home didn't necessarily ease my senses.
It felt different. Our safe haven was no longer that. I eyed the doorway and the entry where I fought James and then collapsed.
I shook my head, not wanting to think about the "what ifs" of what could have happened if Edward hadn't come home soon and Eric hadn't talked to him.
Eric, my sweet little boy who was so worried about me. He had been staying at Carlisle and Esme's and Charlie and Sue's since I was hospitalized and I couldn't wait to see him again. But we wanted to get settled for a night with Lucy and I needed one more day to heal before my three year old was here.
And Edward and I needed to finally face the music.
After setting me up on the couch with blankets and pillows, water, a snack and the remote in hand, Esme left to return to Carlisle and Eric.
Lucy was quietly sleeping in her car seat and Edward paced in front of the living room window, as if he had something on his mind.
I knew him so well. He was brooding.
"Come out with it." I murmured finally and he stopped pacing.
As he turned around, I patted the spot next to me. He sighed and walked over and settled in, careful not to disturb me too much.
"Can you tell me what happened?" He finally asked as he stared at our sleeping daughter.
I nodded and then swallowed, a thickness forming in my throat. I took a deep breath and then grabbed his hand before speaking.
As I relayed my drive back from Brooklyn, the garage scene, the elevator ride and finally the altercation at the doorway, I watched as Edward's breathing became unsteady and his entire body went rigid.
He gripped my hand painfully as I spoke of the final seconds before I passed out.
Edward shook his head as I finished and pulled his hand from mine to run it through his hair. He instantly jumped up and started pacing again, his mannerisms so similar to four years ago. Granted it was the man I fell in love with, but he was a troubled man at the time and I knew this was eating away at him just as my safety and the issues surrounding his brother did then.
"I should have been here. I never should have left you in your condition. I never should have gone to D.C. I knew what fucking Fortnight wanted and I never should have gone to see him," he ranted as he paced back and forth looking out the window.
"Edward, I want you to listen to me," I said, but he didn't stop his pacing.
"Edward." I pressed more firmly and finally he turned to me. "Look at me."
His troubled green eyes met mine and I took a breath before I started. "None of this was your fault. There was nothing that you could have done or said that would have changed any of it. The important thing is that we're okay. That's the bottom line and you can't beat yourself up over this. I won't let you. Understand?" I said firmly as we held each other's gaze.
Finally, he nodded before I continued. "It's from here that we go forward. And I want you to promise me something." He looked at me in question, but I just quirked an eyebrow at him before I began. "You have to tell me everything. I want to know whatever you know so I can help keep our family safe. I don't want any arguments and I don't want you to think you're the only one here who needs to do the protecting. We're a family. We work together and it's high time you realize I'm not just going to lay back either."
He tensed and started to open his mouth, but I stopped him. "I won't take 'no' for an answer."
"Bella…"
"Edward." I challenged back.
At last he relented and nodded at my request.
I moved into a more comfortable position on the couch as Edward slowly walked over to me.
"Liefje…"
I waited as he gathered his thoughts and ran a hand over his face, obviously considering what he wanted to tell me.
"Everything Edward, that's the deal."
He looked at me again with a pained expression and I knew what he was thinking—that I couldn't handle it in my condition; that he just wanted to protect me.
At last he sighed and leaned his head back against the couch as he started in.
"I contacted Seth. He's still in the field and I thought he would be our best chance for information and having an ear to the ground on what might be happening."
I nodded for him to continue. Then he launched in to tell me about his meeting with Director Fortnight, the request for him to come back for one last mission, and the thoughts he had on how the Volturi, Draconi and other organizations might be linked.
"So you think that this all comes back to Aro somehow? I thought he's been out of the game for too long?" I questioned.
"He has, but his contacts are still there. The people he knows can still connect with one another. The most valuable thing in the underworld isn't a commodity of any sort, it's not guns or drugs or other weapons, it's information. Who you know in the underworld is everything. That's how you get to the top."
Edward's brow furrowed as he stood up yet again and I thought about what he said.
"Bella did your grandmother…did she ever mention anything about her homeland?"
I thought about his question and pondered it for a moment. "Not really, she said she had to take care of her younger brothers and sisters because her mother died and that was part of the reason she came here, to have a better life. Why?"
Edward shook his head in contemplation. "Because there's always been talk about Aro's connections to Italy. Your grandmother came from Italy as basically an offering to Volturi. I can't help but wonder if her family is somehow linked to all of this."
My mouth dropped open as I realized the potential implications of his thoughts. Could my great-grandfather be…mafia? Was my entire extended family somehow linked to this? I couldn't fathom it. The entire mafia system was such a foreign concept to me, so different from how I grew up, that I had trouble even considering it.
"It's just an idea." Edward shook his head, obviously seeing my discontent with it.
We were quiet for a moment when I thought of something.
"Edward, when I was at my Dad's in Brooklyn, he told me about a safe deposit box of my grandmother's." My mind started to race as I recalled our conversation.
"Really?" Edward's widened as I relayed the information. "What do you think could be in it?"
"He said it was just mementos and stuff, so I didn't think much about it until…now."
Edward drew a breath and I could see his mind was spinning with questions. "We should definitely take a look at it." He paused as if to connect something in his brain. "Seth is under again, working on another mission, but I'll see if I can have him look into who Volturi's possible connection in Italy might be. I'll also call my other contact."
"Other contact?"
"The um…the agent I worked with on my first mission, when I helped send Volturi to prison."
My eyebrows shot up at his admission. "You helped put him in jail?" Edward nodded and I tried to digest that information. "Well that's just…does he know that?"
Edward shook his head. "I don't know. But I have to be careful now after everything with my grandfather."
I nodded in understanding. There was so much to take in. He had been an agent for nearly seven years when I met him. Surely he couldn't tell me a lot of it because it was classified information. I knew he had high security clearance and I had a vague idea of the places he had been stationed. But the things he had seen were likely beyond my comprehension.
Which made me think of another question.
"Edward, I never asked you. How do you know Eleazar Jiminez?"
Edward stiffened and looked down at my question. "I know you want to know everything, but some things…"
"I don't want to know classified information obviously, only things that might affect our family and things about my extended family. So it's okay, you don't' have to tell me if you can't."
"I'll just tell you this. Eleazar is…well, he's a contact of mine from a previous mission. But that's all I can really say."
I nodded, but my mind was again spinning with questions. The information overload was making me groggy and we had been talking for nearly an hour. Lucy would be waking up soon and I hadn't had any sleep since nearly six a.m.
"Why don't you lie down Bella? I think that's enough for today." I nodded in agreement as Edward helped me get settled on the couch.
He kissed my forehead and murmured an "I love you" in my ear before I slipped off to sleep.
But that time my dreams weren't of wonderful memories of Greece, it was of a dark ominous cloud surrounding me and the face of a mobster I had never seen in person, yet had an intricate part in my even being in existence.
*&^%$#
~Agent Cullen~
I rolled over and grumbled at the wail next to my ear. Lucy was up again and because Bella was still very sore, I had to get up and get her out of her bassinet.
I groggily stumbled over to my little girl and undid her swaddling as she let out another wail.
"Shhh. Come here Mijn Meisje." I kissed her head and snuggled her close to me as she squirmed in search of milk.
Bella sat up and leaned against the headboard as I handed her Lucy.
"How long did you sleep?" She murmured as she looked at my tired eyes.
"About an hour."
"Edward," she scolded, "you need to sleep too. You have to go back to work on Monday."
I shook my head. "No, I got two weeks off because of…everything. I'm not going back until next week."
"When did you find that out?"
"Just tonight. When you fell asleep, I called Director Fortnight. He heard about everything and let's just say…there won't be any trouble with my superiors." I half smiled at her and Bella nodded.
My eyes fluttered shut as the quiet of the late evening settled around us. It was just after midnight and luckily Lucy had slept for nearly three hours so Bella was able to as well.
But sleep evaded me these days. I was exhausted, but my mind was so filled with questions and what ifs that I couldn't shut it off to sleep. James Raven was out there somewhere and he got near my family. He almost killed my wife and my baby girl and I couldn't get over it.
No, I would never get over it.
I had pushed my emotions back while Bella and Lucy were in the hospital for the past week. Yet really the only thing I wanted to do was hunt him down and kill him, take him apart piece by piece, him and anyone else who was working with him.
But I knew that this was just the beginning. Raven wasn't working alone. He didn't get out of prison and escape into the underground without help.
No, I knew better.
I had called upon my trusted ally only a few weeks ago to find out if anything suspicious was going on and I did so again shortly after Bella settled in the hospital.
I spoke to Seth.
There was word in the network that he had escaped New York and was now in Europe. I wasn't sure what to make of that. He could have several contacts with his work with Volturi and the Draconis over the years. As much as I wanted to chase after him, I knew I couldn't. Bella needed me. My family needed me. And for me to go charging back into the field guns blazing, well, that was exactly what they wanted as well.
Seth confirmed that. I was known now, no longer an unnoticed shadow of the black market able to move in and out of circles of the black market elite. I would have to let time pass, change my cover, change my appearance, change my story.
Yet, why was I even thinking about that?
There I was, in the middle of the night contemplating potential action plans, scenarios and steps I would need to take if…
If I went back out on one last mission and ended it once and for all. But it wouldn't just be Raven. It would be the Volturi contacts in Brazil, Italy, and anywhere else.
It would be all of them. Was I willing to do that? Was I willing to sacrifice months, potentially years of my children's lives to ensure that no one would ever come after us again?
Yes.
That dark voice whispered from the recesses of my mind.
You're the only one that can do it.
Was it ego? Was it a power trip or God complex I had developed from my years of being a coveted asset to the FBI?
I wasn't sure.
And I couldn't believe I was even entertaining the idea. But there in the dark of the night as Bella slept soundly after putting Lucy back to sleep, my mind raced with questions and thoughts on what it might take to do just that.
I knew one thing. Sitting there in our apartment was driving me crazy. I wanted nothing more than to help Bella and spend time with our baby daughter, but I felt helpless. The FBI had put a protective detail outside our building and measures were taken to tighten the security. The building managers determined that the breach must have come from within. Someone got a hold of one of the owner's access cards so they reprogrammed everyone's cards to ensure it couldn't happen again. Regardless, I upped the security on our floor so that one had to have the access card to even enter from the stairwell or to push the number for our floor. Now we would have to go down and walk up anyone visiting. But I didn't care about the impracticality of it; I wanted to keep my family safe.
The lights of the city night shone through the window and I finally sat up and got out of bed. I walked out to the kitchen in my sleep pants and grabbed the bottle of vodka from the freezer. I needed something strong to put my uneasiness at bay. I knew I couldn't do anything in the next few weeks and that was most maddening.
So I would have to find out as much information as possible before—if ever—going back in the field.
I sat down at the counter with a white Russian, my laptop and a note pad and a pencil.
Though I couldn't leave any notes of what I was thinking, photographic memory or not, I needed to organize my thoughts on paper. I needed to write it down and then review it before erasing it from existence.
And then burning it.
Thus I searched.
For hours I searched.
Volturi's charges and the witnesses that came against him.
The various players of the Draconi organization and the charges against each of them.
The potential contacts noted in the FBI documents I could access remotely.
The ones I would need to gain additional security clearance for, should I decide to go down this path.
Raven.
Phil Dwyer.
Buxton.
Volturi's sons.
Amun Kebi.
My grandfather.
And even Johan Baricelli. I searched.
Until suddenly it was four o'clock in the morning and I heard the stirrings of Mijn Meisje once again.
I walked down the hallway quietly, careful not to wake Eric or stir Bella or Lucy any more than necessary. After changing Lucy's diaper, I handed her to Bella and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Where have you been?" Bella murmured as she stroked Lucy's head.
"Just looking at some things." I sighed.
"You look tired. You should come to bed." The hand which had been stroking Lucy's downy hair traced the circles under my eyes and over my cheekbones.
"Can't sleep." I shrugged and ran my own fingers across Lucy's pillow soft skin.
Bella sighed resignedly and looked back down at Lucy. "She's so much better than Eric at this stage," she murmured, careful to change the topic.
"She is." I smiled, recalling the early days after Eric was born. Perhaps it was because we were new parents the first time around, or that our life had been a constant of crazy. Or maybe Lucy sensed the tumult in which she was brought into the world, so she was much easier.
Eric had flipped his nights and days and slept from sun up until nearly three and then stayed awake during the dark of the night. He ate every two hours and Bella barely got a wink of sleep the first month. Finally we held out one long weekend and kept him awake during the days to flip him around. Luckily it worked and Bella wasn't quite such a walking zombie.
But Lucy seemed to take to everything with skill akin to her three year old brother. She slept for a good three hours from 9-12, woke to eat, went back to sleep, then woke again at 4 and slept for another three hours. We were lucky the second time around.
In so many ways.
I turned my attention back to my girls and saw Lucy's breathing even out as Bella burped her gently. She handed her to me, and I snuggled her in my arms and high and tight against my chest. She was so light, barely over six pounds now and I was mesmerized by how much she looked like Bella more each day.
I stroked her cheek and kissed her forehead before placing her back in the bassinet. And then I did the same to my Liefje, because I surely couldn't go back to sleep with the unease rising up in my chest.
The feeling, the worry, the outright terror was settled deep in my stomach and threatened to rise up at any second. Though I fought it hard, my mind was coming back again and again to what appeared like the only option to protect my family.
To go back.
To become him again.
To take care of business.
As I walked out of our bedroom to take another step in that direction, I wondered if I could come back from this one.
*&^%$#
"Charlie, it's good to see you." I shook my father-in-law's hand and held the door open for him.
"Sue." I kissed her cheek and then heard the footsteps down the hall.
"Papa!"
Eric crashed into Charlie and he let out an oomph from the impact.
"Uh, monkey be careful with your old Papa," Charlie huffed.
"I not a monkey Papa Charwee." Eric giggled as Charlie spun him around and Sue and I laughed at them.
"It's a wonder I haven't thrown out my back yet." Charlie huffed again as he set Eric down. Though Eric didn't notice as he was still babbling about the monster truck Charlie and Sue had given him last week.
"You said it," Sue teased and we followed behind them
Everyone settled in the dining area as Eric ran around. Charlie immediately had Lucy in his arms and was cooing over her. He came to the hospital every day the week before, but all of the shifts he had to move around cost him and he and Sue weren't able to come to see us at home until we were back for four days.
He and I had spoken before I went to D.C. He'd also had his ear to the ground to find out if anything was going on in his borough, but nothing stuck out. After the rec center development was passed on to new owners and investors, Brooklyn was back to its run of gangs and smaller family affiliates of the black market. There wasn't a big system in place like the Dracs.
It didn't matter to Charlie anyway. He was too busy trying to run a precinct and do the day to day than to try to handle issues that were city wide or even global.
Sue set about getting lunch together as she had brought a Lasagna and several sides. She fussed over Bella trying to help and shoed off Eric expertly, like any experienced mother could.
Bella settled in to her seat. She had been feeling much better in the last day or two and even getting a bit stir crazy as well.
I looked at Charlie and chuckled as he stared down at a sleeping Lucy in his arms and then placed her in the bassinet.
We ate lunch, and kept light conversation going, careful to avoid the elephant in the room. Charlie kept passing me looks when someone touched on what happened and I knew what he was thinking.
How could it have happened?
It still bothered me every minute of every day. But I tried to ignore it for Bella's sake. She didn't want me to blame myself.
The problem was, right now I didn't have anyone else to blame or to take it out on.
Once lunch was finished Sue started to clean up, Bella went to feed Lucy in the nursery and I put Eric down for an overdue nap.
As I stepped out of his room, carefully closing the door behind me, I met Charlie in the quiet hallway.
"You got a minute?" He asked.
"Yeah." I gestured for him to follow me and we walked into our study.
The room was quiet, a heaviness hanging in the air that I had felt for the past week and a half, ever since I went to D.C.
Charlie was quiet as he moved about the room looking at pictures on the bookshelves. I leaned against the desk and waited, knowing he wouldn't say anything until he was damn good and ready.
"Who was it?" He finally asked as he crossed his arms and looked out the window.
I blew out a breath and stared a picture of my brother and I on the corner of the desk. "It was Raven…and some counterparts."
He nodded, seemingly not that surprised.
"Where is he now?"
"Who knows?" I shrugged, "Europe maybe? He's not a huge target for anyone else…"
Charlie picked up on my inflection and turned to look at me. "For anyone else but who?"
I sighed and scratched the back of my neck before I began to speak. But he stopped me.
"I want you to hear something from me." He paused and stared me down before starting again. "This is not your fault. I know how you are, I'm the same way. Everything is your fault. But at some point, you have to move past the fact that people do shit you just can't control."
I nodded, because maybe if he and Bella and everyone else kept saying it, I might finally believe it.
Maybe. Probably not.
"Edward. I see you. You don't think people do, but I see you. You're like a caged lion ready to burst out at the first chance it gets."
I bristled at his reference, it obviously hit close to home. But I let him go on, because for one of the few times I had met him, Charlie Swan had something to say. He wasn't just quiet and contemplative.
"I know what you're thinking. I can see it in your eyes. You want to go back out there and bust it up. You want an eye for an eye or more." He said sternly.
I finally turned to look at him because I knew it was true. I was a caged animal, like one backed into a corner. And that's when they're most dangerous. I wanted to lash out but I couldn't. I didn't have a means.
Yet.
Charlie studied me for a minute until he finally turned back to the window.
He sighed heavily as the tension in the room eased a bit.
"I'm not going to tell you 'no', and I'm not going to say you shouldn't do it. Because if it was me, I know exactly what I would do." His shoulders sagged a bit as I watched him look out the window.
"I just want you to think about one thing: I've lost a son and Bella's lost a brother. She and Brad were very close. But if she lost you Edward…" he trailed off and my heart tightened at his implications. "Well I just don't know how she would get through that." He finished quietly.
We were silent for a few more minutes before he turned for the door of the study.
Then he stopped with his hand on the doorknob, but didn't turn to look at him. "You just make sure you don't rush into anything you do. You think this through and think it through well. And when you've come to that decision, I'll be behind you."
With that he left the room and I was left to think about what he said. My mind was lost in a jumble of thoughts and things I hadn't even considered.
How had I not considered that factor? Bella had always been so strong for me. I had put her on a pedestal with how she dealt with her loss of Brad.
But I wasn't there in the beginning was I?
I didn't see the aftermath, and Charlie did. They both dealt with it differently, but the fact remained that I didn't see it. And it was different now. We had Eric and Lucy.
How could I do this to her?
Where I was so resolute only a few nights before, I was now questioning my decisions.
"Everything okay?"
Bella's voice broke me from my thinking and I looked up to see her leaning in the doorway. For someone who had a baby and had been through quite the ordeal only a week and a half earlier, she looked amazing.
Her sundress flowed easily around her and her hair was down for the first time in days. Her dark eyes took me in and just absorbed all of my anguish and heaviness in one look.
How could I go back in the field and risk never seeing her again? Never seeing my zoonie or mijn meijse again?
"Yeah. Everything's fine." I said instead. I couldn't spill my guts just yet about what I was thinking. This was something I had to process myself first. I had to weigh everything out in my own mind before I put it on Bella.
Bella walked over and put her hands on my chest and I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in. "You sure?" She murmured.
I nodded and leaned down to kiss her, slowly, carefully, just tasting her without the insinuation of more. Something we couldn't do for many reasons anyway. It was perfect and sweet and lightened the air enough to bring me back.
As we slowed our kiss and Bella laid her head on my chest, I sighed. The world, our world, was at peace for just a moment.
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