This was irritating. Everything was irritating. Why did he have to follow me around all the bloody time? I just wanted the pain to stop. The stress to stop crushing me. The looks of disgust to stop burning into my back whenever I walked by. That was it. I just needed a little time to myself. I needed something that could help me escape and accept who I was rather than just endure it. I felt pride in my ability to endure and keep moving on no matter what happened and then when I got here things started going downhill. I had no shadows to hide in anymore. I was exposed all the time. I just wanted one shadow to hide in. Just for a little while. But no. This world didn't have dark enough shadows. So I had to find another way to cope and now that was being denied as well.

I was struggling and I hated it. I couldn't get to anything. Nothing that I could use. Everything was rushed. Moving too quickly for me to grasp. How was I supposed to think with all this chaos?! My thoughts were erratic. Jumping from one idea to the next faster than even I could register. I couldn't pin anything down. I hadn't been moving this fast in I don't know how long. I couldn't bloody control it. I needed- I needed- I don't know what I needed, but it needed to happen soon. I couldn't keep doing this. I was losing it. I was freaking losing it! I needed an obsession so I could concentrate on something. Something that wasn't everyone else and their freaking- bloody- fucked up- Dammit!

I couldn't freaking THINK! I was fidgety and snappish and on edge and- and- and then something clicked.

I was going about this the wrong way. This was not the way I should be doing things. Why was I so intent on leaving the hospital and sneaking around? This was my hospital. This was my territory. My little vision of the needle… Why was I so stupid? I should have thought of this awhile ago. This just proved how on edge I was and how much I needed it to think.

All I needed to do was be a little patient. That was it. I just needed to wait for a little while longer and then everything would be fine. When I got my cue I was off down the hall faster than I had ever been before. I never felt so- so free before. I just had to wait a little longer and I would have what I wanted.

The surgery was rather simple and didn't take very long. I stuck behind and began cleaning.

"You girls can go. I'll clean this up. I need some quiet to think."

They left swiftly, obviously happy about getting out of the clean up work. Once I was sure they were gone I locked the door and cleaned off the blade that I was going to use. I couldn't afford any interruptions this time. I sat against the wall and practically yanked my sleeves down.

Panic.

They were fading. I needed to fix this Now. Taking the blade I pressed against my right arm as starting with my shakier arm was common sense. I couldn't risk having my left screw up after all due to blood loss.

Lovely familiar crimson slipped down my arm. The warmth like the embrace of an old friend. Everything was falling into place again. The sweet burn of the metal. It was like I was finally waking up after so long. I was coming out of a nightmare. This was the only time that light was welcomed. It made the crimson shimmer and shine more beautifully than the water itself on a warm summer day. For the briefest moment I felt happy. Complete. No longer a failure. What everyone said no longer mattered in that one moment. Each cut brought me a new rush. A new wave of emotion that I thought I had lost somewhere along the harsh unforgiving path that was life. I drew in a breath and let it out slowly. Just for a moment everything was perfect. I could play their games and endure their comments just for a little while longer.

When I left that room I was in a much better mood. I went on the rounds that I delayed before heading back to my office to do the paperwork that I had been putting off for the last few hours or so. I didn't say a word to my stalker as I started going through the papers at a much faster pace than I had felt like going since Jefferson caught me. I could feel him eyeing me with suspicion, but for once I didn't give a damn. I had retraced and saved the outline of my being and nothing was going to ruin the high I was feeling at the moment.

"You seem to be in a better mood."

"Hm…" I kept my focus for once in what felt like an eternity and set the packet of papers into my 'done' pile.

"So what exactly happened in the time you were out?"

"Work."

I could tell how much calmer I was. It felt good to be in control again.

"Really, because I didn't think work would put you such a good mood."

"Better mood, huh? How exactly would you figure that?"

"Well for one you're not snapping at me for distracting you." He waited a moment before continuing. "You're not fidgeting anymore either. Nor is your expression fixed into a scowl."

"Well excuse me for feeling better after a close call." I lied smoothly.

"What close call?"

"Guy almost died in surgery today. I don't lose people and that almost tarnished everything I worked for to become a doctor."

He seemed to be thinking over the lie I told. Though the suspicion didn't seem to fade he didn't say another word on the subject.