I was unaware of anything transpiring around me as I walked autonomously out of the medical building. All of my concentration was focused on strengthening the dam of my eyes against the onslaught of tears that was threatening to break free at even the slightest sign of weakness. I stumbled across the grass blindly, as an invisible force seemed to squeeze tighter and tighter around my chest. It was becoming difficult for me to breath by the time I found what I was seeking: the small, overgrown path into the woods. I could not hold back the dam much longer and the forest seemed in no mood to offer any assistance, the branches twisting and raking against one another bleakly in the icy wind. The force clutching my body seemed to go for my throat as well, tightening so powerfully that I almost felt as though water were pouring downward into my lungs, and I felt as though at any moment I would collapse under my own weight into the forest, never to be seen again. At this point I was unsure whether or not I even desired ever to be seen again.
At long last I emerged from the trees into the desolate grassy vista against the endless expanse of the lake. The water churned angrily, white foam springing from the dark murky depths as nearly black clouds swirled ominously above the water. The cold wind burned my face externally with nearly the severity that I was burning internally. Yet, while I burned, I was drowning, and with the last remnants of my will broken, alone amongst the assortment of rounded stones, the dam that had been holding back the water brimming in my eyes sighed its last breath. The tears slid silently across my skin, and my clouded thoughts began to take shape.
I knew it to be inevitable from the first moment I had ever laid eyes on him. I knew that I was unworthy of even being permitted to feel such a careless lust for him, and that each moment I had allowed myself with him would make his inevitable rejection of me strike me with double the force. Yet, I had never imagined it done in such a way. To be snuffed out in an instant. It felt as though a hot iron had been driven into my chest. I was aware that the blame was entirely mine for this predicament, and even after numerous attempts to prepare myself for this moment, the weight of it was still too much for me to bare. I leaned backwards until I felt the soft grass catch me, and stared straight upward into the tumultuous heavens above.
It occurred to me, as I laid staring upward, a prisoner to my own thoughts, how very witless I had been as of late. Yet even now, I was incapable of chasing the memory of his haunting beauty, of his heart shattering smile, of his comforting warmth from my thoughts.
Something cold suddenly landed upon my cheek, feeling almost rather like a pin prick, and a bead of liquid began to roll off the side of my face, eased by the already moist pathway of my tears. There was yet another prick, and then another, and another, and before my thoughts had coalesced, a deluge of frigidly cold water began to fall across the length of my body. Yet with each drop of water, I felt increasingly refreshed, as though I were able to think clearly for the first time in weeks, as though the influence of Edward Cullen was being carried away by the torrential flood from the heavens.
Edward would never feel for me as I did for him. Of that much I was absolutely certain. But as the cold waters cleansed my face and soaked through my sweater, I felt a measured increase of warmth. No, this fool's errand, this perpetual daydream of mine in which I would have garnered some measure of prospect with Edward certainly appeared doomed, as I realized that it always had been. But I could not allow it to unravel me. I could not allow it to sweep me away into oblivion. I might have been fated to suffer through the next four years of my life here, but perhaps in an optimistic light, he had simply given me the gift of allowing the first month of my purgatory to pass in haste. Suddenly, I once again began to see this place, this small area along the lakeshore that I had found on my first day here, for what it was and originally had been. A place of reflection. And in that reflection I imagined myself lying on the ground, soaked to the core as though I were totally helpless, and I felt my resolve begin to stiffen. Simply because I wished for him to be in my life, did not make his presence a requirement. I did not need him. I could survive without him. I would survive without him.
I positioned myself upright abruptly, a sense of clarity filling me. The rain had ceased and left behind a frigid biting cold. Autumn was clearly on its way to the city. Upon careful observation, I could now see that very minute quantities of orange and gold were hidden in the vivid greenery of the trees. I shivered as the icy wind cut through my damp sweater like a knife. I quickly rose to my feet and began trudging through the woods, realizing that nightfall had already begun. The swirling black masses of the storm had disguised its approach, and the world was now bathed in the dim grey light of the clouded twilight sky. The shadows of the forest were encroaching upon me, and it quickly became increasingly strenuous to find the path I was supposed to follow. It was only after I had been walking for far too long in the blackness of the forest that I realized I had completely lost the trail. Branches were scraping at my face and arms in the darkness, and strange noises filled the air around me. As I stumbled almost blindly through the twilight shadows, my foot caught on something large and bulky causing me to trip forward into a tree, which I held to steadfastly.
I forced myself to stop for a moment, breathing in deeply through my nose in an attempt to calm my increasing levels of panic. It was a mistake. The earthy smell of the forest was so uncannily similar to that of Edward himself that it took me several more minutes to chase the ghost of him from my thoughts, and to pull the throbbing spear back out of my chest again as I had on the beach. He was still about me everywhere, even in my moments of strength. I had no idea how I would survive without, how I could carry on yearning for the comfort of his embrace and yet never being with him, but I knew that I must find a way. I forced myself to focus upon my surroundings. I could not allow myself to be consumed, either by the ghost of Edward, or the ever encroaching blackness of the trees. I scanned the shadows about me looking for some clue, any clue as to an exit from the darkness, from the horror that gripped me. I strained my eyes against the night, a sense of terror closing in on me. Finally, after several strenuous minutes, I found what I was after. A glimmer of orange light shining through the trees, an artificial light source coming from the campus lawn. I trudged towards it slowly and cautiously in the darkness, trying to bend the branches away from me before they hand a chance to whip against the exposed skin of my face. The light shone brighter, the branches grew thinner, and after a few more moments I emerged onto the lawn before the medical building. I bent over, resting my hands on my knees and released a massive exhalation of air as I felt the fist around my windpipe unclench. The lawn was entirely devoid of students. Whether that was due to the late hour or the frigid rainfall of earlier I was entirely unsure.
I began slowly walking in the direction of my dormitory. Now that the immediate danger of spending a night in the woods had subsided, I realized how frigidly cold I was, as the dampness of my sweater had bled through to my shirt. My jeans were thoroughly soaked through and my wet hair dripped down my back.
I had never walked this section of campus at night before, though I had never consciously realized it until that moment. It was a far less inviting place than in the daylight hours, as the streetlights were few and far between, leaving long stretches of shadowy darkness between them, accented occasionally by the blue light of one of the campuses security boxes. That had been one of the prominent student safety features listed to us during orientation. Upon reaching the security box one simply needed to press the blue button and help would be dispatched within a few minutes. I had never appreciated their presence until I began my dark, shadowy walk home.
As I walked in the darkness below a long line of towering trees, which seemed just shadowy masses in the night, I became aware for the first time that I was not walking alone. I could hear them behind me, the footsteps, and instinctively glanced over my shoulder. Several shadows were stumbling along behind me, older boys dressed in clothing that hinted at them originating from a fraternity, though I could not be any more specific than that in the shadows. I picked up my pace in spite of the cold, turning left at the junction ahead towards my dorm. Moments later, as I rounded the corner and left the warm embrace of the junction lights behind and proceeded again forward into the darkness, I could hear the muffled footsteps mimicking my path, turning the corner as I had. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being followed, a preposterous notion I knew. It was possible that in my emotional turmoil I was simply experiencing a level of paranoia that was not typically present in my behavior. I relaxed my walk, convincing myself that nothing was the matter at all and that I was simply losing my mind.
A sharp whistle, a catcall so to speak, broke through the stillness of the night. I turned abruptly to look over my shoulder. Sharp laughter rang from behind me, and one of the boys in the group began pumping his fist repeatedly in the air making a loud whooping sound. I turned forward once more, urging my feet to push me forward faster. There were no clear junctions marked ahead. I had nowhere to go, and yet I could hear the footsteps of those behind me catching up to me quickly. An invisible pressure was squeezing into me, threatening to suffocate me. Paranoia, I reminded myself quickly. It was simply paranoia.
"Damn she's fine," a male voice shouted after me. I did not turn to see whos voice it was, but the man who spoke it did not even attempt to keep his slur from reaching my ears, calling powerfully into the night as though he were staking a claim. Paranoia. My heart pulsed faster.
"Why don't you slow up for a minute," a different voice called to me, deep and rough. Through the darkness, I could see my only chance at salvation. Far down the dark curving path shone the blue light of the security pole. I began to push myself faster. I felt that my only chance of escape was to reach it. Paranoia, I thought, although that time I had reminded myself of it only in an attempt to calm myself, to lift the boulder that had been placed on my chest, the one making it difficult to breath.. The pole was no more than a few hundred feet from me.
"Hold on a sec," a voice shouted practically next to me in the darkness causing me to jump, making me fall victim to my fatal flaw: my lack of coordination. I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk in my haste, stumbling slightly and I was forced to pause for a moment to right myself. A hand latched itself around my wrist with such force that it was sharply painful. I let out a short yelp and spun around to face those who had followed me.
"Stop!" I shouted into the faces of the five men behind me. Their uproarious laughter, taunting and menacing, filled the air as I pulled my wrist against the iron grip which bound me. It would not loosen. The others were coming closer now and my eyes darted to the box, so close with its shining blue beacon of hope. I could not reach it, I realized. They would outrun me, and so terror clenched against my chest, pressing forward, urging me to scream. I doubted I could inhale deep enough to produce a scream of sufficient volume for help to come, for my breathing had become rapid and shallow.
"Please," I gasped at them frantically, "Please just go away!" The laughter returned, even more maniacal than the first time. I could smell the odors of alcohol drifting through the air as they laughed sloppily all around me. I was surrounded, they were inebriated, and I had no chance for escape. I prepared to muster up a scream, my last chance at avoiding what I now knew was certainly to come. My breath hitched and I prepared for horror to embrace me.
"She said stop." The powerful velvet voice reverberated with authority in the damp night air. Several of their number looked about to see from whence the voice had come, and that's when I saw him, standing in shadows, stalking headlong forward, his brisk walk filled with urgency, his posture conveying a sense of dominance. The iron grasp on my wrist vanished as the men stepped back from me, watching the shadowy figure approach them with haste. It was incredible how quickly the unrelenting terror of just moments before had completely abandoned me with his arrival, to be replaced with a sense of complete, penetrating warmth and safety.
"Come on Bella, let's go," Edward practically whispered, urgency filling his tone. He placed his hand on my back, guiding me away from my would be attackers. Heat radiated from his hand, spreading throughout my body, and all of the convictions that I had created and walls I had begun to erect upon the beach that afternoon were decimated instantly by his proximity. I was just as foolish to think I could have ever escaped his power as I had been to ever believe he desired my companionship. I seemed to be unable to escape my own idiotic tendencies as of late, a trend I realized I must work harder to reverse.
We walked without speaking for a long while across campus, coming closer and closer to our final destination: my dormitory. And with each step closer, I could feel my time with him growing shorter and shorter, and a frantic panic began to grip me inside, knowing that momentarily he would again part ways with me and that I, alone with my own thoughts, would once again collapse. I closed my eyes, drawing calming energy from the hand on my back and inhaled deeply, attempting to control my trembling body. I exhaled opening my eyes. Edward was looking down at me, his expression wrought with genuine concern.
"Bella," His golden eyes bore into me with unstoppable force, "are you alright?" I could see him appraising my reaction, his expression gentle and warm, the antithesis of what it had been is his office merely hours prior. I felt paralyzed by it momentarily, but his eyes grew more anxious for a response the longer I delayed. I shook my head to clear the haze from my thoughts.
"Um – yes. Thank you." I responded as the realization of his actions dawned upon me. He had saved me. He had appeared in the night like a valiant warrior to protect me, and with that thought another wave of warmth spread through my body. Relief washed his features, and a warmer smile still widened across his face, and the world was illuminated brightly beneath it even in the darkness. In that moment, an astute awareness of my surroundings returned to me and I realized Edward must not know exactly which dormitory was mine. Of course he wouldn't, he had never been there before, and we had already passed it several moments ago. It took every ounce of willpower I had to bring myself to speak, as I wished to wander aimlessly with him for as long as possible. Still, I resolved to do what I felt was the right thing.
"Um - Edward. My dorm is actually right back there. I can –"
"I'm not taking you to your dormitory." He responded, guiding me around a corner at the far end of the long rows of dormitories, his eyes glancing forward into the darkness.
"You're not?" I asked, taken entirely by surprise. Where on earth he would be escorting me if not to the safety of my own home, I wondered.
"I'm taking you to dinner," he said, turning to face me, his expression hesitant, "If, of course, you'd be inclined to allow me to do so." The realization struck me that he was genuinely giving me a choice. I was free to refuse his offer if I wished, although why anyone in the world would ever refuse such a chance to spend time with a man so incredible I did not know.
"Oftentimes people find it comforting to eat and rehydrate after traumatic events," he added hesitantly, averting his eyes, uncertainty lingering in his voice. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.
"That sounds lovely," I said, hesitantly allowing my smile to bloom fully across my face. The smile he returned surely overshadowed mine one hundred fold, but I did not care in that particular moment. I had just been provided with the greatest chance I could possibly have imagined with him: Several hours of his audience.
Just off of campus, we approached the brilliantly illuminated train station, a place I had not visited since just such a train had dropped me off at my new home over a month prior. The realization of just how large a difference there was between that moment and this one struck me with powerful appreciation. I had arrived here empty, and full of dread, and yet now I stood on the very same platform with Edward, so full of hope. Foolish, reckless self-destructive hope to be sure, but hope nonetheless.
The icy knife of the wind blasting through the open station pulled me from my appreciative state, and a shiver shuffled through me, seemingly shaking my very core. I had wrapped my hands around my own body, trying to savor the last remnants of my body heat, when I noticed Edward shrugging off his tan leather jacket. The grey fabric of the long sleeve shirt he wore beneath it clung to his powerful chest, making it difficult for me to avert my eyes. Once he had freed himself of the jacket's embrace, he turned to me, his eyes full of concern, and draped the jacket gently across my shoulders. I gazed up at him, silently seeking permission to accept his gift. His gaze turned teasing, raising an eyebrow at me as though to point out the preposterous nature of my hesitation. I slid my arms down the sleeves of his jacket, which were far too long for me, resting almost completely over the length of my fingertips. I couldn't help but chuckle at how ridiculous I must have looked, my hair a tangled wet mess, while wearing soggy clothing and a leather jacket clearly far too big for my petite frame. Edward seemed to have noticed my slovenly state as well.
"What happened to you?" he asked with a chuckle, lifting a clump of my damp hair from my back, running his fingers down its length.
"It rained," I said meekly, shrugging my shoulders. He shook his head back and forth slightly rolling his eyes at me as though my behavior had been ridiculous, which was a ludicrous insinuation from a man who had seemed to have had a one hundred and eighty degree behavioral shift in the last few hours. What on earth had happened to Edward? What had made him suddenly so cold and brutal only to about face hours later? Why was he here with me now? And how had he known where I was? As countless other questions began to bubble up in my mind, I contented to stopper them momentarily and allow myself to simply be grateful for being there at the moment, unharmed, thanks to his interference. I would ask my questions over dinner, I decided.
The train whisked rapidly into the station and I stepped through the doors, Edward quickly trailing me, and found two empty seats in the middle of the cabin. I sat down against the window, and Edward took the seat directly adjacent to me. The lights of the houses lining the station quickly vanished behind us as we were propelled at a rapid velocity into the night. Edward stared downward at me, as if he were waiting for something, an unfathomable expression on his face. He was as dazzling to me still as he had been the very first time I had laid eyes on him.
Something began to happen there on that train ride into the city. The humming of electricity that I had first felt in biology class had resumed its invisible energy once more. It seemed to fill the narrow gap between us, causing my heart to race. Edward stared into my eyes intently, and I couldn't help but allow my gaze to drift over his face. His hair shone brilliantly in the fluorescent light, which gave his jawline a hard edge to it, and his lips glowed with a soft warmth, a tantalizing invitation. I watched his broad chest rise and fall with his breathing, far calmer than mine, which was quickly becoming more jagged and rapid with the ever charging current of energy. It felt the strongest in my hand, less than half an inch away from his. I desired nothing more than to reach over and touch him, to complete the circuit and allow the energy to flow between us uninterrupted. But I decided against it. I was unsure how he would react to such a gesture, so I pulled my hand into my lap and stared out the window.
I was struck by the beautifully illuminated nighttime skyline of the windy city, soaring overhead to unimaginable heights. It was beautiful, majestic, and humbling all at once. For the first time since my arrival I felt myself crediting the city with something it rightfully deserved: Awe. Edward stood as the train began to slow to a crawl, and I followed him as he departed onto the narrow platform, and descended the wooden stairs to the street below. As we stepped out on to the street he turned to look at me, an amiable smile lighting his face, gesturing that I come closer to him.
"Look up," he said softly to me as I approached him. I did so, to see stretched out before me the endlessly illuminated majesty of mankind. It was something men have written songs, and stories, and poems about. Something intangible that could never be captured by words, but only by experience. And there, in awe of the city, his shoulder brushed against mine. It felt almost as though my heart had crashed into my ribcage. Something strange jumped through my body, seemingly from his touch. An unknown source of energy, something entirely alien to me, something that seemed to hum like magnetism, and burn like fire simultaneously. I searched through my experiences to define it but still came up empty. I filed it away for later, hoping that time might provide me with some clarity. He searched my face, seemingly satisfied by my awestruck state.
"Welcome to Chicago," He said. It was in that moment that moment that I had only ever seen one thing in my entire life more beautiful than the magnificence of the city in which I stood, and that thing was currently standing before me, with a smile more brilliant than all the lights of the city combined plastered across his flawless face.
