DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hollyoaks. WARNING: Violence, self loathing, traumatic events discussed and not dealt with.
"Hi, Ste." Theresa said unsurely. Tony was off today and Ste agreed to cover for him at the restaurant as long as the kids could stay. Ste paused wiping down the bar.
"Hey." Once upon a time Ste and Theresa were actually mates. Before Ste and John Paul dated. Their relationship put a strain on every other one Ste had. Theresa included. She sat at the bar stool in front of him. "Ya want anythin'? Doug's kinda bored so he'll probably won't mind."
"Uh, no." She folded her hands in front of her on the bar and fumbled with her fingers. Ste eyed her for a moment. She was dressed up but looked nervous as hell.
"You alright?" He asked her.
"I..." She gave him a small smile. "I'm meeting Rae and I'm kind of...scared. Ever since the fiasco with Ethan dating us at the same time, we haven't really been good friends." She shrugged. "Not that it matters really. People go, people come. It's a way of life. We was probably bound to stop being friends at some point." Ste paused again. He tried to ignore the feeling that she was talking about him.
"Do you wanna stop being friends with her?" She shook her head. "Then tell her that. Communication is key." Theresa snorted.
"Since when are you so open-minded, Ste?"
"Anger management." He smiled at her and gave her a Coke from the fridge. "On me. Stop being so bloody nervous. It's making me shaky which is not a good position for someone who handles drinks." She actually laughed at that. Threw her head back and made a pig like sound. Ste opened his mouth to tell her a joke when he spotted Leela walk in happily into the restaurant. She came over to the bar and sat a seat away from Theresa.
"Little McQueen." She regarded the other blonde who gave a slight wave. "Ste. My dear little brother. I have some marvellous news for you." Ste raised an eyebrow at her sceptically. "I know what yer kids are up to."
"They're not up to anything. They're kids. You're just paranoid."
"Offended by that statement but I'll let it go for now." She sighed and flipped her blonde locks over her shoulder. "They're making something really sweet to show you how much they love ya."
"Aww." Theresa cooed. "That's adorable."
"I know, right? They were with me yesterday and they told me all about it. They also told me the horror that is dentistry."
"Right, yeah, that weren't my fault." Ste interjected. "How was I supposed to know that they had cavities?"
"Stop feeding them sugar and watch them when they brush their teeth." Leela reprimanded. "D'you know how many kids don't know how to brush their teeth properly? A lot."
"Since when do you know so much about kids?" Ste asked surprised.
"I do have Peri, yah know. Plus I've been reading a lot since Tegan told us about the baby. I couldn't be a good mum but I'll be a good aunt." Rae came into the restaurant and Theresa walked over to her bidding a small goodbye to Ste. He said bye and leaned over the counter as one of the new waitresses came up to the table to take the order. Tony decided to hire some new staff after the remodel. They were mostly sixth formers looking for a job and Ste remembered texting Declan to consider applying.
"If you want to be a good mum with Peri, you can still do that. Yeah, she's got Sam but that doesn't mean you can't take on that role once in a while." Leela looked sad for a moment contemplating his words.
"No." She said quietly but with utter conviction. "No. It's better I don't. I'd screw it up at the first chance." Ste leaned back as his phone started buzzing.
"The brilliant thing about being a parent. Everyone screws it up." He looked at his phone. There were two unread texts. One from Sam asking to make Mexican tonight and the other from Brendan.
'I need to fuck you again.' He smiled at the phone. Stupid text giving him butterflies.
"Are you ever going to tell me who this bloke is?" Ste looked up quickly at his sister.
"Wha?"
"The one that gave you all those vampire marks and is making you grin like a lovesick idiot. Come on. Who's the fella?"
"Your mum." Leela pouted.
"Fine, don't tell me." She muttered. Ste switched to Sam's text and showed it to her. "Oh. Well...stop smiling like that about food. And give me a burger."
"Yes, your majesty."
"Majesty? I like that." Ste rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen to place the order.
'Aw u miss me? 2 bad' He managed to text back.
-.-.-.-.-.-
"Hey, Ste." Lynsey said whilst he walked to PriceSlice. She was in her nurse uniform.
"Alright, Nurse Nolan?" He grinned at her. "I've never actually seen you in your uniform. Looks mint." She rolled her head around and clutched onto her neck.
"I know. Usually I get out of it but today was so busy. I didn't have any time." She moaned as they walked into the off licence.
"Was there some accident or somethin'?"
"No. Just a lot of annoying doctors trying to get everything done before they go off on holiday." She grabbed two bottles of cider. "And the stupid students! Can't put in a catheter properly? The don't do it!" Ste patted her shoulder. "I hate students."
"Same." He said looking at the pick and mix. "Everyone hates students."
"They're annoying."
"And loud."
"And incapable." Ste grinned.
"And indecent." Lynsey mirrored his grin.
"And incorrect. How are your little ones anyways?"
"Alive."
"That's good. Helps when the children are breathing." Ste nodded smiling. "Alright. I'll see you later, going to woo myself tonight.
"Nice. Later, Nurse Nolan." She gave him a half wave as she went to the till. Ste turned back to the pick and mix. He tried to find some healthy snacks for his kids but he knew Leah and Lucas would never touch almonds or cashews. They'd just pick out the raisins. He settled on the dead grapes and moved onto the freezer. Some ice cream couldn't hurt, could it? He was pulling out a three flavoured box when he heard John Paul laughing.
"Sure." It sounded like he was on the phone. "Hey, Frankie." Ste closed his eyes and prayed loudly in his head to turn invisible. "Can't tonight. There's a work outing but how about tomorrow?" He laughed again rounding to Ste's position in front of the freezer and his laughter died down. "Uhm. I'm, I'm, I've gotta go. Yeah, later." Ste didn't turn around to face him just stood there with his eyes closed. "Hi, Ste." The McQueen said softly. "How are you?" Ste scoffed at the fake politeness, he looked at the ice cream in his hands and decided to swap for mint chocolate. "Okay. Guess I'm gonna carry this conversation by myself like usual. I'm good by the way. Really happy."
"Good for you but I didn't ask."
"Ste, can you not be civil at least?" John Paul sounded annoyed and Ste couldn't help but feel a little bit of satisfaction at that.
"Why? You're me ex. The general rule is to hate each other." Ste finally looked at him. "It's good you're happy but don't expect me to throw you a party."
"Technically you already did." John Paul said with a winning glare in his eyes. "I especially enjoyed the cake. You should have had some." Ste thought to how he destroyed that first cake and wondered if the man knew about it. The hypothetical yes pissed him off even more.
"Fuck you, John Paul. And fuck you for using something I love against me."
"Hey." The McQueen put up his hands and grinned maliciously. "That's the rule, Ste." He grabbed the ice cream from Ste's hands and moved to purchase it leaving a furious Mancunian behind.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Peri suggested Leah and Lucas stayed over for the weekend and Ste was thankful to have the house to himself on Saturday when he came back from the shop. He needed to hit something and he didn't want to scare the kids.
He slammed the door shut behind him and looked for the wall that he could cause the least damage to. The wall that could damage him. He stared at the one in between the living room and the kitchen. It was good. Very good.
His hands curled up into fists and then the first hit came. It didn't hurt much as Ste's adrenaline pumped up. The second hit came faster. It reminded him of the blow he got from Brendan. He thought about that as his punches took up speed. He thought about how he wasn't special to him. Just another one in a long list of men he's pulled. He thought about John Paul. About his stupid face. About how he laughed at Ste's dyslexia. About how he sneered it was Ste's fault him and Danny happened. He thought about the McQueens coming after him. Screeching at him when he was all alone. His kids gone. Amy too. The wall started to turn red but there wasn't a single crack in it. Ste just wanted the bloody thing to crack. He kept on hitting, pulling his shoulder back further with each punch.
About how his kids had to have him as a father.
About how he couldn't even return Doug's feelings when Doug was a perfectly nice guy who he could settle down with.
About how he never fought back when Terry hit him.
About how good it felt to hit something.
About how good it felt to cause himself pain to the point where he almost passed out.
About how salty his tears tasted.
About how Amy was disappointed in him because she thought he could do so much more with his life.
About how he just wanted to be normal and not hurt anyone but the more he tried not to, the more someone got hurt.
About how his father was a bastard who had an affair but was a good man at the same time.
About how his kids were growing up into amazing human beings and it was better he wasn't a part of it.
About how much of a waste of space Ste actually was.
His hand went through the wall.
It was a surprise.
The sturdiest wall in the flat yet his hand was stuck in the hole.
"Wh..." He put a little pressure and tried to pull it out but it wouldn't move. "No." He frowned and put his left hand against the wall putting more force into the pull. He groaned in pain as he felt the debris and the wires scratch at his skin into the muscles. He looked at his arm that was covered in maroon red from all the scratches. His hands were bleeding badly as well. Scraped so badly, Ste could make out bone in between the flesh. Disgust overwhelmed him and he looked up
The wall looked worse than before. Blood was smeared all over. The hole wasn't very big but Ste punched through the old foundation where there were lots copper wires supporting it.
"Fuck." He hissed as he realised his landlord would not give him back his deposit. A moment later he realised he needed to clean the mess up so he went to the bathroom first filling up the bathtub. A shower would have been better but he just wanted to lay down and empty his head. His phone chimed distracting him.
'Open the door, Steven.' He turned the tap off not understanding the message.
'What?'
'Open. The. Door.' He frowned and moved to his front door. No one was there. He stepped out into the small hall between his flat and the front door. There was no one there either. Ste stuck his head out before Brendan crowded him back inside with his mouth on Ste's. A dirty groan came out from the Irishman that went straight through Ste's body to his dick.
"Steven." He mouthed against his lips. Ste closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the older man until he felt Brendan step away from him and not come back. When he looked at him, Brendan's expression was unrecognisable. His eyes roaming over Ste and then landing on the damaged wall. "What happened?" He asked in firm voice. Ste bit his lip and looked between Brendan and the wall.
"I..." He choked out feeling himself well up. "I don't know." His voice cracked with each word. "I got...Every time." He moved to the kitchen, Brendan hot on his trail. "This isn't right. You're not supposed to see me like this. No one is supposed to."
"What is this, Steven?" Brendan asked quietly. Ste shook his head and clutched onto his hair annoyed.
"Me being angry. Me being dumb. I shouldn't be around you. I shouldn't be around anyone."
"You're not making any sense."
"Yeah. S'a talent, really." Ste laughed and Brendan took a step back at the donkey like sound. "Could talk me way out of anythin' when I was younger. I weren't clever or anything. But I can talk. Talk till the lights go out." Brendan put a hand on Ste's cheek as the twenty one year old felt tears coming down again. "You're not supposed to see me." He whispered. "You're not supposed to be helping me."
"Who says?" Brendan asked. Ste swallowed a sob and looked down letting his tears fall to the ground. Brendan's hand curled around the back of his neck.
"Terry."
"Who's Terry?"
"Me stepdad." Ste let out. "He says I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve me kids. I don't deserve me job. And especially not someone to help a pathetic, little, good for nothing poof like me." Brendan pressed his entire body in front of Ste's getting blood on his clothes.
"Steven, look at me." Ste took a moment before he followed the request. Brendan had his smug little smirk on and his eyes were burning into Ste's. "Fuck Terry." He whispered and leaned in for a small peck. His eyes looking into Ste's for some sort of a reaction. The smirk playing in the corner of his mouth. He leaned in again with a small kiss and leaned back. Repeating the same action with his eyes. But the third time he leaned in, he hungrily attacked Ste's lips with his own and Ste gave in just as much. It was a desperate clash of teeth and tongues as the two men wanted each other more than anything in that moment. Ste's bloody hands coming up to Brendan's head and the Irishman's palms spreading fire all over the Mancunian through his fabrics.
'Yeah.' Thought Ste. 'Fuck Terry.'
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
After a really heavy making out session, Brendan suggested Ste wash the blood off. Ste suggested Brendan help him out. Brendan responded by pulling him in the direction of the bathroom and stripping both of them in the process. Ste couldn't help the light feeling in the pit of his stomach as Brendan's tache was drawing across his skin with the Irishman growling every time he left a bite mark. But when they got into the bathtub, the whole atmosphere changed. Brendan was in behind Ste. His arms around the twenty one year old, cleaning the blood off as best as possible with soap and a shower gel Ste got half price for the kids because they liked the foam. It was a cramped space and Ste flinched every time Brendan came into contact with his wounds. It was silent between them as Ste's thoughts started to resurface. That he didn't deserve someone being this gentle with him.
"You look like you're about to kill a puppy." Brendan muttered and placed a soft kiss on Ste's nape. The boy gasped outraged and looked at the older man with horror.
"Why would anyone do that?" He turned back around shaking his head and drew his knees up to his chin. "S'wrong."
"Then what's going on in yer head, Steven?" Brendan didn't sound annoyed or bored or like he was passing the time. He sounded genuinely interested and maybe even concerned. Ste remained silent for a long while but Brendan never spoke. Gave him space to talk when Ste was ready.
"I was thinkin' about Leah's dollhouse." The Mancunian finally said. Brendan still kept quiet, his hands washing the blood off Ste. The water already red. "She was two and wanted one like they have in the adverts. Me and Amy couldn't afford to buy her one and we didn't want to ask Mike. Plus Lucas was getting ill a lot after he was born. But Leah...she only asked for it once. And when we said no, she just shut down. Stopped making noises. Stopped crying. She helped with everything she could but it was like living with a pet instead of a child. That doesn't sound right. Animals make noises. She didn't." Ste frowned as he flashed back to the memory. "So I said I would make her one for Christmas. And I did. I worked for it. Peri even helped me out. It wasn't like it was on telly. Not fancy at all. But Leah loved it. She came back to life that day. Amy was happy. Lucas even realised something was different and clapped his hands so much. But I had to ruin it. I always ruin everything. Pauline and Terry came 'round. Pauline's me mum. They said they came 'cause it was Christmas. So stupid, me. Believing them. Letting them in. Pauline laughed at the dollhouse and Terry started yelling at me. Asking me where I got the money to build it. He accused me of stealing cars again. Pauline went along with it. And then they started to demand money from us. I told Amy to take the kids to Mike's or Danny's. Instead she put the kids in their room. She was convinced that they wouldn't do anything to me as long as the kids were in the house and ran off to get help." Ste winced as he remembered that day vividly but Brendan's touch kept him firmly and safely in the present. "Terry never expected me to hit back. Pauline kept screaming how I shouldn't 'ave been born. Terry shouting at me that I was a good for nothing waste of space. He threw me on the dollhouse and I pulled him down with me and stabbed his eye out. That's when I saw little Leah behind the wall. She was so scared and upset." Ste sniffed as he started crying for the third time that day. "Upset about her dollhouse and scared of me. She wouldn't get near me for twenty six days and watched me carefully whenever I held Lucas. That was the last time I saw Pauline. I think Danny, Sam and Mike had something to do with that. Terry hasn't showed in three years. They may have gone from my life." He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. "But I hear them everyday. And I hit. I hit John Paul. I almost hit Amy so many times. I hurt everyone I care about. It safer for me not to be around people. For others, for me kids. I don't ever want Leah or Lucas to see me like this. And the best way is to...to not let anyone in. I need to fix that hole as well. I don't want Lucas getting ideas and trying to get in there." Ste sighed feeling a little bit lighter on his chest from speaking but hid head was forming a headache.
"Me da abused me." Brendan spoke quietly, his fingertips softly running over Ste's now tense shoulders. "He was...evil. And I...I'm not a good man either, Steven. I've hurt a lot of people too." The older man took a deep breath and paused for a moment. "Macca. Vinnie. Random encounters." Ste assumed that was code for one night stands. "Not one man that ever came to me, left without a bruise. Not even my father." Ste could feel a strange relation to a satisfaction filling Brendan's voice. "He stopped when I was sixteen. Got too old for him. Chez never knew. Thank fuck. I don't think...I don't know how she would react. I'm damaged goods, I know but I don't want her to know that too. Or to feel sorry or beat herself up about it." Brendan sounded more emotional about his sister finding out about his abuse than when he spoke about what his father did. "But after Eileen passed, I moved with my boys. To be closer to Cheryl too. She moved to Dublin with Nate before me. Da was already there. Left after Cheryl's ma died. And I thought...I thought that it was something wrong with me. It never even crossed my mind that he could have...with other boys. But he always came at Deccy and Paddy with this, this look, that fucking look." Ste could feel Brendan's muscles straining behind him and he turned around. Brendan was looking upwards, his hands now balled up in fists and his jaw clenched. Ste took one of the hands into his and kissed the fist not taking his eyes off the Irishman. "It was the same look. I went at him. Knocked him about. Old man wasn't as strong. Especially with a drink. He said that I was wrong because I'm gay. But I did what a proper Catholic man was supposed to. I had a wife. Two kids. And I weren't happy. Someone said some rumours that Seamus Brady had a fag for a son. So he wanted to punish me." Brendan was back to speaking factually instead of emotionally. "Brenda, he called me. Then he pushed me down and whispered how I disgusted him." Brendan looked at Ste with empty eyes as the twenty one year old was wailing on the inside. "I'm sorry I hit you, Steven. I'm always sorry. I'm always the one who hurts others." Ste tried to smile but it was so difficult. He was feeling a lot in that moment. "Although no one ever had the guts to hit me back." Brendan let out a hollow laugh. "Quite a pair, you and I."
"I dreamed about you." Ste blurted out in a hoarse voice. Throat sore from the choked up emotions. Brendan's eyes filled up with interest. "For months. Before you came to Hollyoaks. I dreamed you told me we would meet in another life. And sometimes we was on this bridge." Ste wiped his face as hiccups started. "It was white and I think-" Hiccup. "I think there were locks on it. People-" Hiccup. "Couples were putting locks on it together. And we were-" Hiccup. "We were happy. How could I have dreamt all that before I ever met you?" Hiccup. Brendan's eyes were wide and his mouth parted in astonishment. He put a hand on Ste's cheek and stroke slowly with his thumb at Ste's stubble making a way to his mouth.
"The Ha'penny bridge." He muttered. "Have you ever been to Dublin, Steven?" Ste shook his head hiccuping. "Yet you knew we came from there. And you know about the bridge." Brendan pondered over this in his mind cocking his head to the side and watching Ste's Adam's apple as the boy hiccuped. He smiled a moment later. The most genuine smile Ste ever experienced that felt like sunshine on his already golden skin. "I think we should sleep for a bit, Steven. And when we wake up, you're going to feed me. Something fancy."
"Fancy?" Ste frowned his hiccups slowly calming down and Brendan got out of the tub. He held a hand out for the twenty one year old who looked for a towel. "I don't really have anything fancy. Didn't buy nothing." Brendan pulled him in and pressed their wet naked bodies together. He leaned down and gave Ste the filthiest kiss ever. His tongue prodding at Ste's mouth aggressively to open and let him in. Ste quickly reacted to the older man, hiccuping in the process.
"Not what I meant, Steven." He bit on Ste's bottom lip and pulled at it with his teeth. Ste smiled and put his hands around Brendan's neck making a sound of understanding. Brendan moved his hips slightly, just enough for there to be friction and Ste could feel his own dick waking up to the twitching of Brendan's. "Mmm. I'm hungry now." The Irishman's hand wrapped itself around Ste's cock and started stroking slowly before he pulled away frowning. Ste also frowned understanding the problem straight away.
"We need lube."
"Bedroom?" Brendan suggested and Ste grinned happily.
"Bedroom." He agreed, giggling when Brendan pulled Ste's thighs around Brendan's hips and carried the twenty one year old to the bedroom stopping every two seconds to kiss Ste's hiccup away.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"How long can I stay?" Brendan asked quietly with Ste wrapped around him. The sex was rough and fast. Both needing to be vicious and aggressive to let out steam. But the moment after immediately turned intimate. Ste curled up next to Brendan, his head on the man's shoulder. His hand above Brendan's rib cage.
"Depends. How long before you have to leave?" Brendan chuckled at him. It felt nice. A soft deep vibration. "Seriously. The kids are out tonight. No one will know you're here." He felt Brendan move and looked toward him to kiss him. It was a soft, small kiss that made Ste smile lazily.
"Careful, boy. I won't leave at this rate." Brendan said barely moving his mouth.
"Maybe that's the point. It's good when it's just you and me. Quiet in me head. Can I ask you something?" Brendan rolled his eyes but nodded slightly. "Why me? Am I just...convenient?" Brendan placed his thumb on Ste's lips.
"You're anything but." His thumb stroked his bottom lip slowly. "Not everyone is as interesting to me as you are, Steven. And you...you fit. With me. It's strange." Ste felt himself blush all over. He felt overwhelmed by something that was eerily similar to a love confession. But he knew that's not what Brendan meant. He may not have known him a long time but he felt like he knew the man. He understood that feeling of rightness. No one's ever made Ste burn with their touch. No one's ever made Ste feel normal.
"I need to fix the hole in the wall." Ste said bashfully looking at Brendan with the warmth that seemed to reappear more and more with each second spent with the older man.
"We'll fix it." Brendan muttered bringing Ste closer and kissing him again. The word 'we' taking Ste's breath. "It's just easy patching up. No problem." He murmured against Ste's mouth, the moustache tickling the twenty one year old making him laugh. "We'll go to the city, buy some material and come back. I'd love to see you in a work belt." Ste couldn't control himself and laughed loudly at that. His whole body vibrating with the sound.
"I think you're the one who's got muscles for it." Ste sat up and looked at Brendan who was staring at him with a hungry expression. "You know, for someone who wants to stay in the closet, you're not real careful being secretive about us." Something flashed quickly through Brendan's face. Something he couldn't really name. It was familiar though. Brendan didn't respond. Just stood up, naked giving Ste a lovely view of his arse, grabbed his phone and went to the bathroom. Ste confused started putting clothes on. He needed to get into the bathroom however to see how much cum he had in visible places and to wash it off.
He knocked on the bathroom door but Brendan was mumbling something incoherent so Ste went into the kitchen and made them some jam sandwiches. It wasn't anywhere near fancy but when Brendan came, he devoured them like Ste's face. After he was finished, he licked his fingers clean with Ste still eating.
"Why are you dressed?" He asked taking one of Ste's sandwiches.
"I thought we were going to get the stuff for the wall." Brendan smirked smugly.
"It's going to be delivered in an hour. D'you really think I'd have enough self-control in public to not get my hands on you, Steven?" Ste blushed at the suggestion although something clenched up in his chest. He did want to go out. With Brendan. Maybe just as mates. The thought quickly disappeared from his head as Brendan made it his own personal mission to declothe him again.
-A/N
Thank you so much to everyone. Everyone who follows, reads or reviews this story, Thank you all so much.
NickyM1: I honestly just wanna give you so many hugs. Thank you so much for being awesome. I like some of the canon so it might show up once in a while.
shun95145: I don't really plan on going into much detail but let's just say in my head JP is a fucking prick who manipulated everyone to his advantage. (I don't like the character.) Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review. I really appreciated it. :)
Samia: Merci beaucoup. Je me manquent Stendan aussi. Je suis désolé, mais mon français est pas bon . Merci d'avoir lu mon histoire. Thank you so, so much.
This story was meant to be only ten chapters but I think it's going to be in the 15-20 chapter range. Thank you again so much. Love you all.
