Lost
Chapter 7
Disclaimer: See chapter one
Kono made her way back to the house a short time later, leaving Steve sitting in the moonlight, Danny remaining on the lanai as Chin and Kono moved inside, ordering pizza instead of firing up the grill since it had become late. It was another half hour before Steve finally stood, brushing the sand from his pants and headed toward the house. "You okay?" Danny asked softly as McGarrett stepped onto the porch.
"I don't know." Steve replied with more honesty than Danny had ever heard, 'well at least I didn't get the standard 'fine' I would have normally gotten', thought Williams. "I'm not very hungry; I think I'll turn in." McGarrett moved inside, his partner following a few minutes later.
"He said he was going to bed." Kono said as Danny sat down at the table, the pizza sitting mostly untouched in the center.
Running his hand through his hair Danny looked at the rest of the team, his friends. "I honestly don't know what I should do. I know I can't watch him 24/7, but God that's exactly what I want to do." Rubbing his face Williams finally clasped his hand on the table in front of him.
"I feel the same way, be we all know; one, it's not possible and two, he'd probably shot us if we tried." Chin responded, partly joking, but mostly serious. "That doctor said it would take time and we can't push him into talking if he's not ready, pretty much like normal.""Yeah and see how well that turned out." Danny answered blowing out a deep-breath.
"I just think the best we can do is keep reminding him he's not alone, that he doesn't always have to be strong around us, we need to keep reminding him he does have family that care about him." Kono said quietly thinking of her talk on the beach.
"I thought he knew that already, hell we practically live out of each other's pockets most of the time. That's why I can't understand how we missed things were getting so bad." Danny still couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened just days ago. "Do you think he'll see someone?"
"I would think the Navy would make it mandatory with what happened." Chin acknowledged.
They were all silent for a few minutes before Danny spoke again, "You guys should head out, I'm staying here tonight, but I get Grace for a few hours tomorrow, it's a half-day at her school. I was thinking I should…" Before he could finish the thought Chin spoke up.
"You need to see Grace; I'll come over in the morning and spend some time hanging out. Isn't Joe suppose to stop by tomorrow?" Chin knew Joe and Danny hadn't spoken much since the other night and hoped the two men could work out the tension between them before Steve picked up on it and added that to the apparent list of guilt he carried around.
"Thanks, I really need to see her and I don't think now is the time for her to be around Steve, at least until we get a handle on what's going. Joe said he'd come by around lunch time." Thinking of his daughter, Danny knew Grace loved her Uncle Steve, but he also knows how perceptive his daughter is and she'd pick up on the fact something was going on and didn't think it would be good for her to see McGarrett this troubled.
Chin and Kono stood, Danny following them to the front door, "I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow." Danny said as he watched his friends get in Kono's vehicle and drive away. He closed the door, locking it and setting the alarm. A part of him wanted to go upstairs and check on his partner, but he had to let Steve know he trusted him even if a part of Danny didn't. He'd never been more terrified or grateful that Steve had called him that night, even if he'd already taken the pills at least he hadn't followed through with anything more drastic, for that chance he would be eternally grateful. Checking the rest of the house Danny grabbed a pillow and blanket from the downstairs closet, kicked off his shoes, he stretched out on the cough he'd used only weeks ago.
The morning light filtering through the partially pulled curtains and the smell of coffee filtering through the house drew him back to awareness. Steve looked around, confused a minute as his sleep-filled mind didn't register the room for a few seconds. Finally as his mind cleared and he remembered he'd fallen asleep in his old room, across the hall from his current room. Sitting up slowly he rubbed his face, his hand going through his hair causing it to stick up all over. He could remember standing in the doorway of the master bedroom but not entering, he knew it was silly, that there was no rational reason to not sleep in that room, but a part of his mind wasn't ready to deal with had happened in there, what he had tried to do.
Glancing around his old room, most of the things of his youth had been packed away years ago by his father, so the walls were mostly bare except for a few odd pictures of the ocean and surfers. His eyes came back to the dresser near the door and noticed a small pile of cloths sitting neatly on top. Steve couldn't help the small smile as he knew that was probably Danny's work, 'I don't deserve such a good friend' he thought before shaking his head slightly, it was those type of thoughts that had lead to the other night and over the last couple days the people he was so afraid he'd put in danger had barely left his side, especially Danny.
Grabbing the pile he made his way to the bathroom, taking a much longer than a three-minute shower, standing in the hot stream until it went tepid. Dressing he finally made his way downstairs expecting to see Danny, but found Chin standing near the back door, looking out at the ocean. The older man turned when he heard Steve enter the room, "Coffee's fresh." Chin said, nodding toward the kitchen. Silently Steve made his way toward the coffee maker, pouring a cup before rejoining Kelly.
"Where's Danny?" Steve asked quietly, a hint of nervousness at the fact his best friend wasn't the one downstairs. Part of him felt guilty for feeling like he needed Danny there to keep some sense of balance knowing the other man had a life, while another part of him was trying to convince himself that maybe Danny really didn't want anything to do with him now that he was home, maybe his weakness had finally driven the first best friend he'd ever had away.
Chin could see the range of emotions crossing Steve's face when he asked about Williams before he answered, "Grace has a half-day at school today, so Rachel let him have her for a few hours, he said he'd call later and be back this evening." Kelly watched Steve nod slightly then move to the lanai, the older man following a short time later.
"You don't have to stay, I'm fine." Steve said quietly, his eyes focused on the waves coming in.
"Malia had an early shift and the Governor gave us all a few days, don't really have much else to do right now. Are you hungry? I think we have some pizza left over from last night." Chin mentioned as he thought about the nearly whole pizza they'd put in the frig the night before.
A quiet chuckle escaped McGarrett as he glanced at the man across the table from him, "I thought only Danny would consider pizza a breakfast food." Taking a small drink of the hot liquid in his mug he finished, "I'm not very hungry right now."
Both men's gazes returned to the stretch of blue just behind the beach house, distant traffic noise was barely heard as the waves continued to lap at the sand. Finally after several minutes Chin broke the silence, "You know the more I work with you and get to know you, I see that you are a lot like your dad."
Before Steve could think the next words slipped from his mouth, "My father wasn't weak."
Though his always placid face didn't reveal it, Chin's heart clinched at those words. Steve McGarrett was many things but Chin Ho Kelly knew 'weak' was not one of them. Reaching across the table the older man took a firm grip on Steve's arm, shaking it slightly until McGarrett looked at him, "You are not weak. Confused? Yes. Hurting? Yes. Maybe feeling a little lost and scared? Though I know you'd never admit it I believe that answer is yes too. But you are not weak." The firmness of his voice leaving no room for argument.
Plainly seeing that the younger man still wasn't convinced that Chin's statements were true Kelly recalled a moment that he'd seen John McGarrett nearly as broken as his son. Releasing Steve's arm he held the hurting man's gaze as he started talking. "When I got out of the academy, your dad was my training officer, I'd only been assigned to work with him a few months before your mom died, that's how I knew about your football games…" Chin recalled how surprised Steve had been that his father had apparently attended several games without his son's knowledge. "You probably don't remember but I came with the officer when your mom was killed. I was behind him when you opened the door. I remember the look on your face when you realized why a uniform officer was there to see your dad when he was off duty, I remember you running out the backdoor to this beach." Kelly could see Steve struggling with the emotions that memories of that day brought up and the fact he never realized Chin had been there.
"Your dad was a lot like you, always trying to be strong, keeping things inside, that day he allowed himself that moment of shock and disbelief then just as quickly slipped that mask back into place and started wanting to know details. I may have been partnered with him, but I never knew that he had started looking into the accident like he did, he kept that hidden." Chin looked back toward the beach, "He called me the night he put you and your sister on those planes to the mainland, I had no idea he was shipping you guys away until he did it. Something in the tone of his voice didn't sit well with me and I came over." Glancing back at McGarrett Chin noticed the younger man clutching his mug tightly as he listened.
"I knocked and nobody answered, the house was dark but your dad's car was in the driveway. I made my way around here and found him sitting right here in the dark. There was just enough light for me to see three things on the table; one was his badge, another was a family photo and the final thing was his service weapon." Chin noticed Steve's head come up as his tear-filled eyes locked onto Kelly's. "I sat down across from him and just watched him. For several minutes he was quiet and I didn't know what to say so I sat. Finally your dad spoke and what he said scared the hell out of me… he looked right at me, his eye's looked empty, like a man who had just lost everything and in a way that is what your father had done. He looked at me and said, 'I can't watch everyone die because of me.' Kelly paused as those very words had been spoken by Steve just days ago during his breakdown in the hospital. "He said he felt he'd lost his wife because he was getting close to something big, he said he'd lost you and Mary because he had to send you away because he was so afraid that what happened to your mother was going to happen to the both of you. He actually told me to leave because he didn't want to get me killed too. At the time none of what he was saying made much sense because I had thought it was just a horrible accident that had killed your mom."
His gaze never wavering from Steve's as he continued, "The look on his face, the sound of his voice screamed at me to not leave him alone that night because I was afraid if I did I wouldn't have a training officer come morning. So we sat right here the whole night, never moving, never talking anymore, just sitting. At some point I remember reaching across the table and removing your father's gun. I'll never know if he meant to use it that night, but I know he was hurting worse than he'd ever hurt, he felt scared, lost and alone, but just like you he tried to not show it and would never admit it. For several nights after that I come over every night and we'd just sit here, not talking. After a while your father started to focus on his work again, calling every week to check on you guys on the mainland. He never completely got back to the John McGarrett that I first met, everything he went through left a mark and it was years later when IA was all over me that your dad told me he wasn't running out on me like all my other so called friends and family had done, because I hadn't ran out on him. Your dad took a lot of heat staying friends with me after the fall-out of that investigation, but I was always grateful to know no matter what I had him in my corner and there were many times if it hadn't been for your dad and Kono I don't think I'd be sitting here right now trying to convince you that you are not alone. That you have people that care about you and you don't always have to be the tough guy and keep everything inside. It is not 'weak' to need people, to allow people to see you break because it's those same people that will be there to pick you up and help put you back together again. That's what true ohana does. So don't ever think you are alone because just like your old man realized, you're never as alone as you feel."
With that Chin stood up and moved toward the door, squeezing Steve's shoulder before entering the house, leaving the younger man alone for a while to sort through his thoughts and feelings as Kelly watched protectively from the kitchen window.
