"Normal speech"

'Internal Dialogue, also known as talking in your head'

"Words with Power in them"

"Saying a Spell"

"Overlapping voices"

Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/stay Night, Fate Grand Order or High School DxD, Just the Original concepts and plot in this story.

This Crossover is a completely AU.

The Cover Picture is done by DarkHunter8506 from DeviantArt who has kindly allowed me to use this as my cover.

This is my first fic, so please tell what you think, I appreciate every review and would love to know your options.

Now onto the story

A Winning Hand: The Greatest Story Never Told:


Deep in a lab somewhat removed from the normal limitations of the mind of the Earth, a very old but powerful being tinkers away on a small device, absorbed into this new study.

If one were to be looking at it from afar, like a certain twin-tailed "Average" apprentice was at the moment, pausing in her studies to view what her master was doing now, and whether she should start running to escape the possible blast radius, you would only see a cloud of smoke, flashes of sparks, eldritch portals, unknowable shapes that hurt the brain, and lots and lots of stuffing going flying everywhere.

But despite the Master's best wishes and a liberal use of bending space and time, it seems it was not enough to fully complete what he was trying to do. With a Sudden(Whop), and an explosion of magically charged air that turned the nearby furniture into splinters, the young apprentice having long since left the room by this point having seen that this would not be good, and giving the old man a very rough trimming on his, well, at least in his own opinion, magnificent beard, the experiment, whatever it was, was gone.

For a couple of seconds, the man stood perfectly still, the only sign he was even still "alive" being the quick blinking of his eyes. After a few seconds, and not hearing screams that defied her perceived reality, the young twin-tailed apprentice sauntered back into the room, making sure to avoid stepping in any of the derby or piles of unknown and very possibly dangerous liquids, walking up just behind her master, looking at where his desk used to be before looking up to meet the corner of his eyes.

"Our problem, or someone else's?" she asked in a fashion that one could gather was very practiced at this point.

After a minute of blank staring, magic pooling behind the eyes of the Master as he viewed into realms not know by many mortals, he gives out a quick chuckle, turning around to face his apprentice, all the dust having suddenly not be on his body, his desk back to it's previous state, sans previous experiment, and simply stated, "Not yours at least", walking into an open door that was not there before, the door shutting as he enters in, the room as it was but a few moments before, absent of it's master.

The Young Apprentice merely shrugs her shoulders and picks up her book again, refreshing herself on her studies while her master did…. Whatever he does, honestly, she still was not sure what exactly he did after all this time serving under him.

(Sigh)"I wonder if I should have Emiya make Salmon tonight, we haven't had that for a while. Bought in bulk of course, can't let my precious little gluttonous servant not state her appetite after all. Hunger is the enemy and all that." she says to herself, as the world moves on as normal, which she is more than happy with.


In some universes, the name, Issei Hyoudou, is recorded into legend, as a brave hero, a fantastic warrior, a great friend, and an eager lover. His name would live for millenia, his bloodline long and varied with the sheer amount of children he would have with his many different lovers, all of whom would try to honor his legacy in their own… unique ways.

Right now though, the only thing that the name, Issei Hyoudou, brings to mind, is the image of a sexual harassment lawsuit just waiting to happen.

In Kuoh Town, Issei Hyoudou was doing what Issei Hyoudou usually does on a weekend with little homework, or honestly on any day regardless of how much homework he had, scouting the urban jungle for that illustrious, deadly, but oh so valuable and precious beast…. Oppai. (Somewhere a nondescript man in his ███ typing on his laptop is groaning as he realizes that he's going to be using that word far more than any man should ever have to…. Well that moron should have thought about that before he wrote a piece of fanfiction based on a raunchy harem battle show/light novel series. Anyway, back to the story)

As this possible guest appearance on how to catch a predator- I mean… (ugh) connoisseur and passionate fan of the subject known as Oppai(By the Root, did He really write this? I thought he had more pride in himself.) walked the streets, keeping his eyes glued not the roads, the cars, the food being sold at 70% off at the cafe or even the news talking about recent terror attacks in Paris, the strange explosion at the Vatican, the disappearances in Hungary or even rising political tensions in Israel. Nope, he had never really cared about things like that anyway; if it didn't affect him or anyone he knew he could just ignore it, after all, when has that line of thinking EVER steered anyone wrong? He on the other hand, had his eyes on the real prize…. Two pairs of bouncy Oppai that is. Specifically, the pair of Oppai attached to the girls known as Murayama and Katase, both members of the School's Kendo club, and both sporting fit bodies, good looks and larger than usual boobs.

He and his comrades in love of the female form(I swear if this where my career is going I should have just joined the army like my uncle suggested and gotten blown to bits, would have been a cleaner and more painless death than this.), Matsuda and Motohama, who the locals unfairly had dubbed them, "The Perverted Trio"(Personally I would have just called you all "Sex Offenders United" but now the boss is telling me to shut and I will… for now), and had been gazing upon the beauties of Kouh for years.

While Matsuda, the blasted lolicon, never could truly appreciate the magnificence that was Oppai, he at least had been very good at supplying high quality photos to look and ogle at in the comfort of his room. But Issei had to admit there was something a simple picture just could not capture; was it the jiggle, the sweat beading down her neck into a boob valley, the jiggle, the way when they breathed they pushed those orbs of fat against her shirt, the jiggle… it was probably the jiggle.

So lost in the view of the jiggle, it was only Issei's highly trained, "Punishment Avoidance" skill that allowed him to sense the coming danger, ie: the two highly trained and very angry Kendo users running at him with their wooden blades drawn, screaming his name. Honestly, even Issei was surprised by how absorbed he was in watching the Oppai, that he didn't even notice they were coming for him.

Bolting to his feet from his semi-hidden position and running like the wind, Issei never even attempted to look back as the anger and vengeance filled voices fell further and further into the distance, only stopping to catch his breath once his house came into view, his body in surprising good shape due to his reimine of "Punishment Avoidance". Satisfied at another fulfilling viewing, he wiped the sweat from his brow, marched into his home, loudly announced his success to his parents, who were crying inside the kitchen, obviously proud of their son's achievements and in no way contemplating the merits of an honorable death to wipe away their son's tainting presence on the family, and walked up the stairs to his bedroom, planning on taking a long rest before he finally began his homework for the weekend.

As his eyes close and he drifts into the realm of dreams, a sudden(Whop), announces the arrival of new presence, this one dark and filled with a power no sane man should have to deal with, who very presence causes the Evaporation of Sanity, and that could shake a man to his very core, warping beyond comprehension. And now, in this room, it had some new, innocent, prey.


(We're sorry, the Author does not want to be kicked from this site, so if you wish to view this scene in it's full, succulent, Lemony glory, please go to the Archive of Your own where it can be viewed without restrictions)


"AAAUUUUGGGGHHH!" Issei shouts as he releases all his pent up "vigor", Issei realized he was awake again, his glorious and very confusing dream gone, replaced by his bedroom ceiling and dirty sheets.

Groaning, he pushes himself up, breathing heavily from the powerful dream he was in, wondering how it could feel so real, if that was what Oppai really felt like, and if all that was true, was he-.

He thoughts are cut off as he notices a feeling on his… little Issei, a Large bulge where his sex would usually be, the natural naked feeling now feeling very much off, it was soft and comforting… as well as wet and sticky.

Slowly picking up the covers, he freezes for a second, seeing something he knows should not be down there, before throwing off the blanket, to view the intruder in it's full horror.

It was a tiny, finely crafted white bean plushie, it's front made into a cute face with pink hair with a speck of white, the hair extending into a braid on it's left side, pink eyes with a cute little open mouth, a cute little fang popping out. While on its own, this would be an unusual but not unwelcome surprise…. The fact it was currently sucking his dick was what surprised, frightened, horrified and confused Issei beyond belief.

As if noticing it's presence, the plushie seemed to spit his penis out, it still rock hard from the plushie's work, it's little cloth pupils seeming to stare into his very soul, before in a voice that was oddly adorable and cutesy, yet comply horrifying, pushed into his mind, "You're Gay.".

And then it was gone, not, 'it disappeared", not, "It vanished from sight." It just was there one moment ago… and then just wasn't, not even a mark on the bed where it had once been, the only possible proof it was even there being Issei's massive hard on and his scared and damming memories. Even deep within his soul, the great being of power that had existed for millennia was completely baffled by this event, it's mild amusement at the strangest overshadowed by the foreign fear penetrating(GET IT!... BECAUSE PENIS!) his spirit.

Later Issei would deny the event ever happening, his mind seeming to have shut out every single possible memory of the event, no matter how many times his partner would show him visual snapshots of bring it up.

But now, that being is still out there, not able to found even with the full power of the Kaleidoscope, only the trail of it's mayhem. It could be anywhere, hiding in the shadows, in the trees, flying up in the clouds above, it could even- OH MY GOD! IS THAT AN ASTOLFO BEAN PLUSHIE SELLING FOR ONLY $50!? TAKE ALL OF MY MONEY!


..I'm horrible aren't I?

Happy April fools readers, I hope you enjoyed this customary, "I'm-not-dead-and-still-working-on-part-2-just-don't-lynch-me-for-taking-so-long" present. I wanted to have a little fun today so I pumped this out for laughs and have decided to post this without showing to my usual beta, I want him to enjoy the surprise as well. Also, if you're wonder if this is canon or not…. Yes... if you want it to be.

And yes, this whole chapters basis was on that stupid, "Haunted Astolfo bean plushie that sucks your dick and calls you gay for $50" meme.

Review TIME!:

Hashirama 1710:... Well at least you haven't figured out the other servants yet.

BlitzNeutral69: Thanks and sorry to say, no, but if you want an idea of what I was using when I thought him up, look up, Tzeentch Chosen from warhammer fantasy battles. Also, his stats will be shown the chapter he is either installed or included, right now, he isn't in a very good state.

The Indominator: Thanks for the compliments and well wishes, sorry about taking so long though. And well… it looks like Doggo just got an increase to 80%, cause you were on dah money boy. Also, yeah, people tend to forget that losing everything and being thrust into a world of danger, monsters, magic and beings BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION!, can really fuck with people's minds, and I hate it that we rarely see how civilians react to all this shit in these magical worlds, even if there memories are going to get wiped, its still fun to watch their whole world views shatter.

Nemesis Jedi: it certainly is… I was lucky enough to get a gift card for the store for a holiday so I was able to semi-whale(Does it count if its a gift card and mot your own?) and i STILL DIDN'T GET DOGGO! UUURRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!... Maybe this is karma for drawing 3 arthuroria's+ a Waver in a week…. Probably. And don't worry, there will be more Cu than you ever imagined.

Polarpwnage: The idea was he was trying to calm the woman down and to find out what theses thugs were doing, the last part was more because, well, that's still a guy that grew up admiring heros and waiting to be one, you don't think he'd want to get to at least do One little hero moment? I would and so would a lot of people, it may be cheesy, but it's kind of cool.

This Chapter's Story Recommendations:

Fate: Golden Order: What if Gilgamesh wasn't a complete asshole and instead decided to save the world, in his own, very badass way.

HV-S01: Red Knight Redemption: A fun Shirou/Mordred story set in Medieval Britain.

Grand Order of the Eastern Wonderland: Another fun little piece by The Indominator, I have no clue about anything related to the touhou project, and I still had fun with it.

No Clues for today, check back next time….. Okay I'll give you ONE hint…..

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CHEESE!