On their way to Dharmaville Jin had told John who did this, who shot Ben, and even though John found it hard to imagine that Sayid was capable of shooting a child, he also remembered the cold stare Sayid had given Ben when their eyes met on the plane.
Jin had been driving as fast as he could and when they were getting closer to the infirmary Sawyer came running up to them waving his arms.
"Jin! Have you seen Sayid? He escaped." Sawyer shouted but the look on his face quickly changed as he realised who was sitting in the back of the truck. "Son of a bitch."
"That bastard shot him." John said and was about to climb out of the truck with Ben in his arms.
"Don't you fucking leave this truck!" Sawyer yelled at him. "If anyone sees you here they'll think you're a hostile, I'd have to put you in a cell. So shut the fuck up and let me bring the kid to the doctor!" He took Ben and turned to Jin. "Take him to my house, and do it fucking quietly, okay? I want you to be practically invisible!"
For hours John had been pacing up and down Sawyer's living room. Everyone was arguing. Miles with Hurley; Kate with Jack; Sawyer with Jack; Kate with Sawyer. "When did shooting children become okay?" someone had yelled. John didn't even register who it was. He was too caught up in his own thoughts and fears. He was waiting for any news about Ben; praying for a miracle.
Juliet had gone to help, while Jack refused to go with her. In his mind John acted out how he could force Jack to help. He imagined dragging him over to the infirmary and tying him to the operating table so he could either save Ben or watch a child die in front of him. But he didn't go through with it. A part of him that had given up. The last time he felt this helpless was after Boone had died. There was nothing he could do for Ben and it tore him apart.
While everyone else was arguing and Jack mentioned something about a plan, John looked out of the window and saw him. Sayid was walking right there in front of Sawyer's house, in handcuffs, being led away by some mildly incompetent looking Dharma member. At the same time, Sawyer's walkie made a cracking sound and a muffled voice said "LaFleur, we got him!"
John's and Sawyer's eyes met and it was clear that Sawyer knew what was going on in John's mind.
"Don't do it, Kojak!" Sawyer said but a split second later John was already aiming for the door.
Before Sawyer could even try to catch John he had already pulled Sayid to the ground. "Who the hell is this?" the Dharma guy yelled. John started hitting Sayid who could hardly defend himself with his hands being constrained behind his back. "You beast." John yelled. "Why did you do this? How could you do this?" Under other circumstances it would have scared John how good it made him feel to hurt Sayid, but now all he cared about was making Sayid pay for what he did to Ben. And for just a moment John could feel his own pain fade a little, so he kept punching until Sawyer managed to pull him off Sayid.
"Stop it, John! That's enough." Sawyer shouted.
John tried to free himself from Sawyer's grip but eventually gave up as exhaustion took its toll and the realisation of what he had done startled him. He looked down on Sayid who was lying on the ground covered in blood and suddenly he didn't feel as good anymore and the pain was back where it had been before.
The cell Sawyer had to put him in was cold and uncomfortable but that was exactly what John felt like so he didn't mind. He sat on the floor in the corner reliving every punch he took and how strangely liberating it felt in the moment, yet he felt sorry now. This was not how he wanted to be, driven by the desire to take revenge. On the other hand there was something inside him that told him Sayid deserved to be in pain. John wasn't oblivious to feeling desperate and knew that despair led people to do regrettable things but shooting an innocent child – regardless of the adult he'd grow up to be – that was incomprehensible for John. Had Sawyer not stopped him, he might have knocked Sayid unconscious without even realising it.
And now he had to wait there, more helpless than before. He didn't even know how Ben was, if Juliet was able to save him. If the boy died, would that mean he'd never meet Ben? Would he just forget everything about him as if he was never there? Would he not even remember those eyes? Or would he always have to live with the knowledge of having lost the most important person in his life?
With the shirt he wiped his hands clean of blood, most of it was Sayid's, some his own. Then he heard someone opening the door. He expected Sawyer or Horace but it was Jack who stood there looking at him with a blank expression and his hands in the pockets of his Dharma jumpsuit.
"Do you know how he is?" John asked, keeping his voice down and wrapping his arms around his legs.
Jack shook his head and looked down at his feet. "No. And that's not why I came here."
"Why are you here then?"
"To say goodbye. I'm gonna put an end to this. All of this!"
John didn't understand what Jack meant. He stood up and walked the few steps towards the metal bars, now facing Jack directly.
"I'm going to prevent the incident that will bring us to this island in 30 years from now. I thought you should-"
"Don't do this, Jack!" John said and clutched the metal bars as if they would give in and set him free if only he'd be desperate enough to leave.
"I have to."
"No. Jack, you can't. When will you understand? We are supposed to be here, this is our destiny!"
Jack hissed and had that look on his face again, the look John knew too well and never liked. He had seen it so many times before: when he tried to open the door of the hatch and Jack was against it, when he knew he had to press that button every 108 minutes but Jack didn't believe it was necessary, when he wanted to bring everyone back to the island but Jack just laughed and told him to leave. In all those cases John had been successful eventually, had been able to convince Jack but now he failed. The determination in Jack's face was stronger than it had ever been before and there was nothing John could do to stop him.
"Do you honestly think that if you do this you could change what happened to us? You think we'd never come to the island?" John said, his voice trembling and his face red in anger. "You're wrong, Jack. Even if your plan works and our plane doesn't crash the island will still find a way to get us here!"
Jack turned around and was about to leave. "You're a sad old man, John. I'm sorry for you." He took one last glance at John before he stepped through the door.
"I wish you'd believe me!" John shouted, loud enough for Jack to hear, and then quietly repeated it just for himself before biting his fist to control his anger.
During the next few hours John's mood kept shifting from giving up all hopes to trying to break out of the cell. After checking every single one of the metal bars, the lock, the window, he convinced himself he'd never see Ben again.
Suddenly he heard a distant explosion, still strong enough to make the metal bars rattle yet not enough to knock him off his feet, and then through the small window above the bed John saw a bright light that illuminated everything for a minute.
