Zelda-san! You had to stop reading the chapter three times?! Oh my god poor darling! I admire the fact that you didn't stop reading entirely! To tell you the truth, Eiri is my favorite character too…so the last chapter was emotionally difficult for me to write as well but I felt like I needed to provide some background what happened to Eiri and why he so emotionally sensitive at this point! But I'm glad I could surprise you with Eiri and Shuichi's meeting because its hard to surprise readers as clever as you! Once again I'm so sorry about torturing you and poor Eiri again … but if Eiri comes to your house, can I come too? XD Hahaha! I'll invite Shuichi, but I won't invite Daizai! I'm very happy to get your feedback. Crazy or not ,I love to hear new ideas. In fact I like to hear the crazy ideas the best as they are the most interesting! Yes, though I am fluent in it, I admit English is not very exciting. That will be a goal of mine to learn Spanish and maybe one day I will be able to translate your wonderful work, but you'll have to wait a long time I'm afraid LOL. That's amazing that my story excites you that much! Your reviews make me run around too with joy too! It makes me feel wonderful to know that doing what I like brings excitement and happiness to others too and its really what the story writing is all about! Thank you so much for reading and I am honored to get your feedback. Kisses and love to you.
Thank you my splendorous MiaRain for being so awesomely supportive and saying that about my stories! It would be so much fun to write from "what would Eiri Yuki do" school of writing. Yes, there would be a whole lot of sex in the stories. Mostly just sex actually LOL. If one of my books were a best seller- trust me I would die of laughter too, but I'd probably die of shock first! Haha! I adore your optimism, and wish I had some of it myself. But hey, maybe I can be the next E.L James right? 50 shades of Gravitation? I'm starting to die laughing right now! Writing the scene with Eiri's psychiatrist was exciting (and challenging) for me for that reason because it's a chance to see Eiri be completely honest and lay out what he's dealing with inside him. I wanted to have that contrast between what he seems like and the actual turmoil he's in to be very stark and shocking and a little scary like you said. Its funny because I've never read the manga so you mentioning that Eiri really does open up to his psychiatrist made me feel relieved that wasn't off base to create this scene (and its hinted very slightly in the anime too) . Yes, I love the gravitation-yness of gravitation hahah. That's one of my favorite things about it, that weird serendipity of it, because in actuality, stuff like that does happen to people more often than we would think -like when you think of someone you haven't seen in years all of a sudden and then run into them! I'm so glad you coo over their interaction- because that's wonderful that their interaction is that fun and interesting to read… its certainly fun to write… because yes, I think you may be right but I don't want to spoil the possible curve ball (or not curveball) in store! I feel so devilish teasing people like this. Thank you for being so patient and understanding about the updates, but I knew you would be , as you are an angel blessed from reader heaven! I hope you are having a relaxing holiday and enjoying this nice long chapter!
Yes and happy holidays everyone and enjoy the chapter!
A few days later, Shuichi finds a post-it note tacked onto a sizable pile of paper on the breakfast table.
On the post-it , scribbled in Daizai's characteristic all capitalized and inky scrawl it reads
"OUT WORKING. SOME REVIEWS CAME IN. READ 'EM AND WEEP , LOVE D"
Shuichi makes a cup of coffee and reads through the printed reviews.
Through out , Daizai has underlined some paragraphs and even provided some commentary by writing in the margins.
The first review is very positive.
Anything but Black and White By Erika Uchida
Daizai Mashiro's debut show "Default: Black and White" is a show seemingly simple and cohesive in its conception but is complex in both its rendering and its implications. Despite the clarity and sharpness of the images themselves, the content of the photos were quite psychological ambiguous but they are no means 'vague' or wishy-washy'. Rather they are fraught with meaning, poignant if not slightly apprehensive, at times even menacing. Nothing in 's work seems to be stated directly. The photo seems to always capture just the moment before or the moment after something happens…
Daizai annotated there: I THINK SHE GETS IT. OR MAYBE SHE HAS A CRUSH ON ME. CAN YOU BLAME THE POOR GIRL?
Shuichi skips to the next underlined part.
While all the pieces were solid in my opinion , several pieces in were particularly outstanding such as "Love's Shadow" and "Weird Emotion" , "Tangent Advantage" and "Concentric Apathy" and the riveting and shocking"Bound Judgment "
Included next to this is an image of "Bound Judgment" which is a photo of man's tattooed torso meticulously wrapped in barbed wire, and those minor cuts and bleedings are clearly delineated. The man's two wrists in particular are bound as in barbed wire cuffs, being grasped by two fists. The wire cuts into the clenched fist's palm. Blood trickles down the wrist, which smears into the other hand and blackens the wire slightly.
Shuichi shudders. While he's liked almost all Daizai's photos, he's never liked that one.
Seeing how many more reviews he has to read, Shuichi then skips the end
From his exciting debut show I see the beginning of a promising talent and a wonderful career! I look forward to seeing much more of this photographer's terrifically interesting work
Daizai writes under it: NOT BAD RIGHT? I THINK LIKE HER BETTER WATCH OUT SHU, WE MIGHT ELOPE! (YOU BETTER NOT SAY 'GO AHEAD')
There are quite a few reviews that continue in the same positive vein. The majority of them are more descriptive and neutral, not giving a critique as so much just reporting the facts of the show. A small amount of reviews towards the end are not so positive. The last one in particular is downright nasty. On the top of this one, Daizai had written: SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST BABY
The title Oh God. Not Another Photography Show…
Yet another criticism by Kyoji Ozaki
"Daizai Mashiro certainly has a strong aesthetic (strong but not necessarily sophisticated) and certainly seems to be a 'fluent' and compositionally proficient photographer. Coming from a fashion photography background that is to be expected, but let us not forget that fashion, while it may be a hobby or commerce or a form of social display, is certainly not art. Working for mainstream glamour magazines are no substitute for real artistic credentials and in my opinion does not count as an adequate preparation for the art world. This shows in the clichéd conception of the show itself. Black and white photography, as appealing as it may be for the masses, is not exactly original is it?
Daizai's note: BUT ELITISM ISN'T ORGINAL ETHIER. GOD FORBID SOMEONE WORK IN MAINSTREAM FASHION OR MAKE SOME ART ACCESSIBLE TO THE UNWASHED MASSES. MY MONOCLE HAS DROPPED INTO MY DIVING POOL OF CAVIAR
However Mr. Mashiro's ability for taking gritty, moody (but of course palatable enough ) pictures may not be enough to support his hallowed claim to being a serious artiste. Nowadays, even an addled child can take a decent photograph as all it takes is a click of a button on one's phone and then about five minutes on one's electronic device of your choice to edit it into some semblance of an 'artistic' image. In this day and age, one may even presume to call photography a dead medium. If not a dead medium, then at least lifeless!
Another note of Daizai: "GRITTY, MOODY, BUT PALATABLE ENOUGH?" COULD BE NAME OF NEXT SHOW? OR I CAN PUT ON MY RESUME UNDER MY EMPLOYABLE SKILLS? NICE TO KNOW MY JOB COULD BE DONE BY ADDLED CHILDREN. THAT'S NOT VERY NICE OF HIM. I BELIEVE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE. ALSO , DON'T PHOTOSHOP MY PHOTOS BECAUSE THESE WERE ALL WERE TAKEN THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, WITH FILM THAT'S WHY THE SHOW WAS CALLED 'DEFAULT':BLACK AND WHITE MY 'EXQUSITE CORSPES' ARE ALL NATURALE
There is nothing ostensibly wrong with Mr. Mashiro's photos. They are nice, and look 'cool', but is that enough? One must ask one's self not just: is it nice looking, will they appreciate in monetary value (which for most collectors the questioning stops there), but are these photos works of art? I fear the answer to this question is 'probably not'. They are rather conversation pieces masquerading as art. They may serve a purpose looking interesting yet blending in the décor in a trendy studio apartment, much like a wall hanging from a higher end interior decorating shop would.
Daizai annotates: AT LEAST NOT A POSTER FROM IKEA RIGHT?
For that facile quality, they probably will make adequate sales, so I congratulate Mr. Mashiro for achieving a most likely commercially viable formula.
Daizai: GEE THANKS.
However one photography "Love's Shadow" did strike my attention, as a fairly impressive piece. It could be even described as 'haunting' . If one had to choose one of 's works , in spite of its cumbersome scale and size, that would (not to pun) but by default be it. Of course, this piece quickly sold . But I wonder who to?
Daizai : YOU GOT ME THERE
More interesting than the work itself (as the work in general was not that interesting) was the atmosphere of excitement surrounding the show and the various celebrity guests that made an appearance. It just so happens that our budding new photographer has been the long time beau of flamboyant pop singer Shuichi Shindou of Bad Luck. Though it may seem below this esteemed publication to bring up that up, it seems necessary to do so.
Daizai: YES. HOW ELSE WOULD THE WORLD KNOW THAT FLAMBOYANT POPSTARS ARE MY TYPE IF NOT FOR THIS ESTEEMED PUBLICATION ? ( ALSO SORRY ABOUT YOU BEING CALLED FLAMBOYANT SHU… BUT YOU ARE PRETTY DAMN FLAMBOYANT. ITS SO SEXY THOUGH)
It begs the question if this young gentleman wasn't attached to such a 'popular' figure , would Mr. Mashiro be of any interest to anyone ? I do not have the answer, yet the question remains.
Danzai: DOES IT REALLY?
One tires of having these arbitrary self-declared and self-indulgent 'artists' or as I called them 'artsy-tists" rule the roost though their personal connections and by doing so draw attention away from more interesting or talented and unique contemporaries.
Danzai: OH HO HO, LIKE WHO I WONDER? SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS GUY HAS A ACUTE CASE OF 'FAILED ARTIST SYNDROME' . ONE TIRES OF SELF DECLARED CRITICS TOO SPOILING ALL OUR ARTYS-NESS SELF-INDULGENCE. ALSO NICE NEW WORD DIPSHIT.
Do not get me wrong! Daizai Mashiro is not a bad photographer by any degree. Maybe he would be more interesting to me if he was in fact a bad artist! I would have more to write about in this column. Sadly, he is perhaps merely a representative for a point that I am trying to make about a pattern frankly I am tired of seeing. Another so and so's friend or lover. Another artist of dubious talent. And yes, yet another "photographer".
Under that Daizai wrote : MAN. HOPE THE GUY DIDN'T FEEL THE NEED TO HOLD BACK
Shuichi cringes. While Daizai , through his notes, tried to make sarcastic jokes throughout it, that article must have bothered him. The fact that he isn't here speaks to that. Daizai often goes away and works when he's upset.
Shuichi goes to look for his cell phone to call Daizai. As he can't find it, he looks underneath on his seat to see if he was sitting on it . Hissing with frustration, he then looks through the papers again.
At the bottom of the pile there is another print out with its own separate post-it that he didn't see. The post it says:
THOUGHT THIS MIGHT INTEREST YOU WITH WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EIRI YUKI'S BOOKS THAT TIME LOVE D
This print out is of an article completely unrelated to Daizai's show.
The date of the article is from thirteen years ago, and the publication is from the now defunct and then well-known gay publication Out Magazine.
Apparently Eiri was also on the cover of this magazine, under the headline: We Get Romantic with Eiri Yuki!
The cover photo of is Eiri in a suit, standing with one hand on the back of his neck. There is a cigarette in his ever so slightly curved lips. His expression is intensely thoughtful, wry and knowing. Smoke swirls around his hair and ear piercing in attractive wisps and spirals. On the side page the article titled "All the World Loves a Lover" begins:
In this issue of Out Magazine, we talk to the man who has written some of the most psychologically and emotionally intense romantic books in recent times, but who himself proclaims "love is not a necessary emotion" and is notorious for his cool , laconic and non-emotive exterior . I (bright and bubbly Out Magazine correspondent Magobei Motoori) was lucky enough to get the chance to get personal, political, and romantic with the mysterious, talented, handsome and contradictory cover man Eiri Yuki.
When I meet , he's crossed (and very longed) legged and as always, smoking a cigarette.
MM: We're so happy you did this interview with us Mr,Yuki! It's your first interview with us, and your first interview with any "alternative lifestyle" publication, is that correct?
EY: Yes it is. I am glad to be here.
MM: No the pleasure is all ours! To be truthful, we were worried that you might change your mind Mr. Yuki!
EY: Why would I have done that.
MM: Ha!After an interview with me, you might ask yourself afterwards why you didn't! So lets jump right into it! You are a very prolific and critically acclaimed writer, both here and internationally, who has written over twenty books, including short stories for various literary publications as well works that have been adapted into successful plays.
EY: … and?
MM: And yes …and your work has featured and addressed gender issues and homosexual or bisexual themes and relationships in the past!You have been credited with bringing "queer romance" literature into the mainstream and the younger generation, and paving the way for other Japanese authors of diverse sexualities. Some of these books notably include The Bitterness of Absence , a romance between two supposedly heterosexual young men, Dream Portraita lesbian love story about a brilliant yet tortured painter and her alluring model, Tortured Silhouettes a tragic tale about a widow and a secret gay lover grieving over the death of the same man, Sex in the Ice which is story of a hysterical woman's sexual obsession with her icily cold psychiatrist and her husband, and its sequel The Serpent in the Snow. Let us not forget the smoldering A Drop of Sugar too (which won sexiest book of the year in Modern Woman's magazine and was adapted into a play for the London stage that controversially featured male nudity) about two troubled men who fall in love with the same woman and whose dangerous rivalry spurs a scandalous erotic contest to see who can be the best and most adventurous lover- one contest includes them making love to each other! Let us not forget the unforgettable The Human Wall about a non-wealthy interracial homosexual couple's struggle to start a family despite discrimination , cultural misunderstandings, and their personal problems, and the short story included in a "Modern Fantasies' anthology that you wrote; A Vision of Pleasure about a woman who , unable to find the man she secretly fantasizes about, then seeks herself to 'become' that man and seduce women like herself for her own private pleasure. Your latest novel The Seventh Sex features a pansexual male protagonist whose own gender identity can be described as fluid . Lets talk about some of them!
Next to this paragraph, there is a photo of two Caucasian men-one pale and blonde, one tanned and brunette, vigorously kissing each other on a unmade bed (one shirtless with a pair of pants on, the other completely bare with his back facing the camera), against a black backdrop with the caption that reads : Mark Mumford and Ian Stone sweeten up the stage in the London stage adaptation of "A Drop of Sugar"
For example, in The Bitterness of Absence-(one of my absolute favorite books of all time by the way), If you don't mind me being direct, were the two main boy characters gay all along?
EY: I don't mind your directness. In fact, I find it refreshing. In the description of the work, many critics and book sellers described The Bitterness of Absence as a story about an intense "friendship" or "brotherhood" as if it were merely just that, so it is good to hear the work acknowledged plainly for what it is. Certainly the novel was about friendship and brotherhood of a sort ,but to put it as if it were only so , negates the entire crux of the story .
MM: Which is, may I ask ?
EY: To oversimplify perhaps, it can be said to be the posing of several question. For example what is the boundary between friendship, sexual attraction, and love? What is the nature of absence and how does it function in a relationship or within an individual? What are the components of sexual and emotional attraction, and how does one's past traumas, possible experiences with violence and sense of loss create the dynamics of obsession, possessiveness and fear? How do these factors and propensities interplay in the direction our lives take, in the decisions we make about who we want to be?
MM: Woah. That doesn't sound like an over-simplification to me . Maybe we need to answer one question at a time!
EY: Then let me answer your earlier question, it is possible that the two male protagonists were gay or had bi-curious tendencies before their relationship, as it is possible to go through life and be unaware of one's own desires until circumstance permits them to reveal themselves, although I would rather leave that particular issue open to the reader's interpretation.
MM: As I saw it, Takashi and Okubata saw in each other what they could not find in anyone else. Am I right?
EY: There is no right or wrong answer here.
MM: I'll just say that I am right then! I was so hoping they would get together at the end! I was heartbroken that they didn't'! Why?! Why did you torment us like that Mr. Yuki?
EY: I apologize if I have done so. That was not my intention.
MM: Apology accepted. So really, why? Was it simply because they were two boys that they couldn't share a life with each other?
EY: In a sense, but I prefer to think it was more complex than that. It could have been their own immaturity, insecurity and along with the fear of the social consequences to blame for their eventual separation. Remember these two men were so young, vulnerable, troubled and the realization of their sexual difference amongst their other issues was only further psychologically endangering to them at that point. Furthermore, the boy's dependence and obsession with one another was not necessarily conducive to a realistic long term relationship; especially as Takashi was so domineering over Okubata and they had so much individual problems on their own.
MM: But that doesn't discount their feelings as… unreal or simply a byproduct of their own dysfunction ,does it not?
EY: Certainly not. One could applaud the fact that the two men were capable of such a strong and authentic connection for a little while at least , despite their personal struggles. That and it is true that in art and life, intimacy and understanding can often arise and be cultivated where it before could not be considered, or anticipated.
Shuichi skips ahead in the article.
MM: Mr. Yuki , do you consider yourself an activist?
EY: I consider myself a writer
MM: I mean, do you see the political implications in your work? One progressive university abroad has even added a translation of your book The Human Wall as part of their reading curriculum of post-modern cross-cultural gender studies!
EY: (Lighting another cigarette) I was not aware of that. I suppose that is their choice, though it was never intended for that purpose.
MM: Especially your latest work The Seventh Sex which was just nominated for Acclaimed Romance Book of the Year. Gender theorist Keitaro Kakinomoto (who occasionally has written articles for us) called the book "A bleakly brilliant and scathing satire on erotic politics, and the power dynamics that construct class, age and gender roles". Others have claimed the book as a deliberate effort to court controversy and a shock to the romance genre. Another literary critic Ikuko Koshin said of you "Eiri Yuki 's willingness to takes risk makes him the 'coolest, bad boy of the romance world" Do you agree with these views?
EY: I see the creation and reading of a novel foremost as a personal experience. Yet political topics are unavoidable as they do often manifest themselves in our personal lives. Of course there is an aspect of the political in my novels , if the astute reader is apt to see it but the novel can simply also function as a work of literature for the casual reader's enjoyment. Of course, I would like my work to have some reaction with my readers, but not necessarily that of shock . For me , what I do is never consciously meant to provoke and be controversial. Taking risks is simply an aspect of what the work requires. If one is not willing to take risks, one has no place in an artistic field. As for being a … I must excuse the term, 'bad boy', how can taking risks be considered bad'? We cannot accept or validate one kind of experience or claim certain subjects as "off-limits because people may disagree with it. If there's principle at stake or something important to be discussed, I don't think that should be considered an issue. As for saying I'm "cool" such a term implies that what I write is an primarily an image conscious decision which it isn't. Furthermore, its occludes the issue. It's a matter of integrity not 'coolness". Artists should not hesitate to challenge preconceived notions or approach the subjects that truly matter to people whether they be considered shocking or not.
The next photo is a more candid shot, most likely a paparazzi shot that by being blown up looks very artistic. In this shot it is raining. Eiri looks stylish and urban in a long black coat and scarf and is walking down the street, head bowed and an umbrella over his head. He looks away as if avoiding the gaze of someone. You see what he is avoiding as on the other side of the street, there are a gang of his young female fans beaming and pointing and gawking at him from under an awning.
MM: So can we talk a little about The Seventh Sex? Although I absolutely loved the book, I would like to ask you about it, as I found it rather difficult to read it.
EY: You're not the only one I heard.
MM: Yes, I heard that too! But if I may… I'll give a brief synopsis for those who haven't read it and those who might want to read it.
So The Seventh Sex is about a biologically male protagonist Xavier Yasukazu or cleverly XY for short. He's named after Xavier Park in Kagoshima as that is their home town. His father is a traditional business man and his mother is a traditional homemaker. Despite the rigidity of these gender roles of his household. XY actually feels genderless inside. For example, growing up, XY secretly puts on male and female clothes interchangeably and feels no different. He put on make up simply because he finds it attractive on the whole but not because he feels more feminine in it. XY is also attracted to boys and girls , although he can't envision himself in a relationship with them because being as gender fluid as he is , he cannot see himself in one consistent role as being their "boyfriend " or girlfriend'
XY realizes this is not safe to tell people, as when he confesses this fact to his mother, she cries hysterically, and begs him not to tell his father.
Interestingly too, everyone in his family is stressed and miserable trying to live up to their own strict specific gender roles. The father , being a traditional ' distant father' is constantly angry and lives unhealthily because the pressure of being the breadwinner. Since he feels never able to show weakness, he tries to dominate everyone and still never feels manly enough. His mother feels sad, bullied and ignored by their father and by men in general. His sister obsessively starves and primps herself to try to fit an unattainable image of feminine beauty and acts helpless and unintelligent to garner male attention, even though she's very capable and bright. This startles XY and confuses him. Why is everyone trying so hard to be something they are not if it makes them all so unhappy?
XY attempts to hide this fact of his inner gender flexibility through his childhood . This need to observe others and conceal himself teaches him about the absurdity of life and he develops a wicked sense of humor. XY also learns to be resilient and be fast on his feet, as XY is actually very clever and not (in his dry opinion) "not all that bad looking" . Though he gets good at hiding his true self, but he feels very isolated and lonely . Occasionally too his façade slips and or he finds people who suspect him and become angry or afraid about it. He gets bullied every so often.
But finally, he finds one person who accepts him for his true self. His best childhood friend Taura . Taura becomes his hero and his most ardent supporter. Taura is slightly older than him and is a free spirited and active tomboy with a strong sense of justice. Actually, the first time they meet, Taura rescues XY from some other kids who are chasing him to beat him up (while he's running away from them , she pulls him into a safe place to hide until they're gone) and then later defends him from them. They become inseparable. XY and Taura love to talk and talk about everything together. When he very nervously confesses about his genderlessness , Taura tells him. "So what! It doesn't change anything. I don't care what you are as long as you're happy. And who cares if you're male or female or whatever, as long as you're a good person. Most importantly, as long as you remain my friend too."XY and Taura also explore nature together and people watch, and even play dress up- they play prince and princesses and husband and wife together, in all variations, dressed in their reversed outfits! By the way, I adore the character of Taura. She's like the best friend we all wish we had! Sadly, Taura ends up having to move away with her family, and XY is left all alone again.
Anyways, when his father eventually does find XY's gender ambiguous tendencies, he is outraged and chases XY out of the house. Having no other option, XY escapes to the big city and begins a life of a jigglo and prostitute amongst other odd jobs such as delivery boy and con-artist, pool hustling or whatever he can find. XY changes his name to the sexy street name to Xavier X or XX.
The novel charts XX's struggle to survive in the dangerous world of being a teenage prostitute at the fringes of society to a more wealthier but still dubious living. As a teenage runaway without money, or education (as he never finishes high school) and so unique in his sexuality, he realizes he can never make space for himself in a normal mainstream life. XX is always living on the edge, evading attacks for his appearance (at one point he does dye his hair purple and puts it into spikes as a joke so he can truly look like a street 'urchin') or encountering discrimination, and having to live by his wits. Initially, this causes our hero a lot of anger and anguish. Then later, XX , true to his resiliency and gutsy sense of humor, starts to be roll with the punches, and then embraces it. It becomes a point of invigorating roguish pride for him to be a " punk" and "gender outlaw". "Hey, at least life's never boring". Becomes XX motto, well that and "Don't let the fuckers get you down." Haha! I think that might become my motto too!
In fact, in one scene XX is cruising on the street, one john (a salary-man who looks like a real square) fumblingly asks XX what he is "boy or girl ." (This is my favorite part of the book by the way) XX flirts and circles around him and even starts to plays with the business man's tie and replies tartly "I'm whatever I want to be baby, and I can be whatever you want to. Just look at me, and open your mind to all possibilities because you're looking at the truth and the light and the future don't you know? I'm not like the others who are busying believing in their dress up. They're way behind, I'm way advanced. They're closed in and all they want do is close you in too. But me? I got room for days. I got space and breadth. Most of all, I'm never boring. I'm way beyond your own little petty "this" and "that". Baby, I'm not the first sex or the second sex, or the third sex, or even the fourth."
"What are you then." The business man asks him nervously.
He tells the man with a wink and drag of his cigarette." Why, Like there are seven heavens. Why, I'm the motherfucking seventh sex honey!"
Ofcourse after that, the john takes him home!
The novel also charts seven specific 'romantic' relationships XX from different genders roles and sexualities that he assumes with different partners at certain stages of his life.
Amongst turning tricks, XX dates a transgender girl Lily(who is also a fellow prostitute who was kicked out of her home for her gender identity) . Lily ,because of her family's rejection, her turbulent background (her parents would beat her to try and 'correct' her back into being a boy and she was severely bullied and sexually harassed at school) and her life of prostitution, is troubled . Though also born male, Lily demands XX be masculine as that is what she is attracted to. As XX loves her, he tries to play along. That and caring for her, and not wanting Lily to prostitute herself anymore, XX tries to support both of them himself . For a short period, he manages to do both. But later, desperate to become the woman she knows she was born to be, Lily demands XX make more money so she can buy the necessary hormones and have the surgeries for her sex change. She also demands he be the perfect boyfriend to her. As XX tries but despite his best efforts he can't do either. Lily becomes very disappointed and angry, even crying hysterically and kicking XX out of the dive they live in together by throwing all his clothes and things at him. XX begs for her to take him back and she does, but this time Lily starts prostituting herself again behind his back order to get the money to reach her goal. XX finds out, he is devastated. Also not being ever able to play the 'butch boyfriend' role to her satisfaction and the trust between them broken , the relationship ends much to both their heartbreak. Later XX hears Lily dies of a drug overdose. He feels responsible. That's relationship one.
XX afterwards dates a straight boy, a bit of rough dockworker called Doi presenting himself as a more of a "woman" this time. This does not end well as when Doi finds out XX isn't female and about his sex-work, he savagely beats XX up. Strangely later the dockworker(who still has feelings for XX) still sees XX and tries to pretend he's female, while knowing he isn't. XX, who feels guilty for misleading Doi and who has low self-esteem at this point (because of the death of Lily) , goes along with it. Meanwhile Doi also having low self-esteem himself (he hates the fact that he's a dockworker with no other opportunities) while being confused about their relationship and having misogynistic and homophobic tendencies, treats him XX badly. The dysfunction escalates. Doi takes out his work frustration and the abuse he suffers from his boss on XX and becomes outright physically and emotionally abusive. Doi often beats and criticizes XX for not being enough of a woman for him, for being ' out' , 'flamboyant' and 'faggy' and a ' whore', until it gets so bad, XX has to fight for his life, even having to stab the dockworker in the leg. XX having no choice, runs away from Doi. That's relationship two.
Relationship three, XX dates a woman Wakuri, a clean cut retail buyer who is a works in an mid to high range fashion boutique , but has other aspirations too. XX presents himself as more of a "woman" again too as Wakuri (though is sexually bisexual) identifies herself as a lesbian, as though she can 'bring herself' to sleep with men for her own ends, she finds it disgusting and unpleasant. Wakuri only is emotionally and physically satisfied by other women. Ironically Wakuri also feels as if somehow obfuscating or betraying her lesbian identity by seeing XX, someone who is still technically a 'man', although as a ambitious woman desperate not to slip lower on the societal or professional ladder in a patriarchal society , she makes great efforts to conceal that true sexuality from mostly everyone around her. Sometimes she even has XX dress as her boyfriend in order to maintain her straight image when they meet her circle of straight friends. Wakuri also feels conflicted as when she finds out about XX's sex-work background, she pretends to accept it, though being quite conventional , she actually feels unnerved and repulsed about it (despite the fact she has done similar things in the past such as sleep with men to benefit her career) She still refuses to tell how she honestly feels or break up with him. Wakuri is similarly two faced in every aspect of her life, she despises her boss but makes efforts to suck up to him, She pretends to adore her friends and family but resents them secretly. Wakuri pretends to be progressive and claims herself to be a lover of women, but likewise ultimately caves into societal pressure and struggles with internalized misogynistic tendencies, complaining about other women and lesbians in particular, calling them 'stupid' 'whores', 'sluts' and saying how she is better than they are because they act so openly 'gay' while as she can pass for straight(she is very proud of this fact). Meanwhile with some of her lesbian friends, Wakuri in order to fit better with them acts overtly ''gay' in order to compensate for the fact that she's dating XX who is a man (she makes him dress ultra -femininely in that situation) . XX initially empathetic to her situation gradually becomes exasperated and repulsed by this woman's hypocrisy, not in or out of the closest, not willing to stay or leave at her place of work , not loyal to anyone or even loyal to herself (sneeringly calling her the true spirit of the yuppie class!) ends that relationship.
Relationship four is actually two relationships , happening simultaneously and are in the same vein. XX calls these relationships "Mama" and "Daddy"
XX, during his odd jobs, becomes the 'house boy/ assistant' or rather the secret kept lover-boy of obscenely wealthy domineering financier Yoshikazu who is twice his age, or his "Daddy".
Yoshikazu is gay, but is married and has children for image reasons - coming from a different generation, and being in the corporate world, the financier believes he has to be perceived as 'straight' and 'hyper masculine' in order to succeed, so he plays the part, (although his alcoholic wife knows about it and is compensated handsomely for her role of presentable wife and broodmare, along with her cooperation and silence). Also Yoshikazu had children to produce heirs as per the expectation of his patriarchal father and also in order to compete with his other siblings and their children for their father's approval.
Secretly, XX is worried about the instability of that relationship, as while his "Daddy" is handsome, suave and generous , because of his high-pressure job and life style and contentious relationship with his rest of his family , Yoshikazu is very volatile, controlling, and unpredictable.
Liking to hedge his bets, XX also secretly sees an sophisticated wealthy older married woman Yawara or Mama as her "dance instructor" on the side. Hilariously enough XX gets the gig even though he doesn't know how to dance. During his audition, XX improvises some crazy "strip tease" dance on the spot just to get the job. Yawara (who is in her sophistication, is usually chronically bored) finds this so comical she laughs so hard until she cries. Yawara tells him it's the most she laughed in years and hires him immediately. XX becomes her new boy toy and companion and 'purse carrier'. Because of his charming ways, XX becomes a source of amusement for her and a confidant . Also XX finds out Yawara despite her wealth is lonely and unhappy. She has no true friends as all they are so narcissistic, cold , and untrustworthy (like she is) . XX realizes the only way she has friends is by paying for them. Yawara being rich doesn't work so and when she does do charity work it is only for the greater glory for herself. She is trapped in a loveless marriage as she married her husband (who is also a philanderer with his own 'dance instructor') for his money. Much to her and her husband's disappointment, she also only ever had had daughters (who about the same age as he is) and has strained relationship with them besides, so she likes to dotes on XX because he is like the son she never had. In fact she even affectionately calls him 'my silly boy", "my sweet fool" "my lovely little son' .
These older lovers support XX very well, and teach him about the finer things, and give presents and opportunities which lead to his later "success" as an underground dealer in forged art and antiquities. In that way, Yawara and Yoshikazu truly are like a mother and father to him. But , obviously the inequality of the relationship is far too extreme for it to be truly 'love', and because of their massive age and class difference, they really nothing in common. XX grows to resent the both of them. Yawara's idleness, materialism, and her vanity and Yoshikazu 's insatiable greed, his debased nature and pathological need to control others disgusts XX. XX hates how, despite how generous they are to those suck up to them, how distant they are to their own families who they treat like their employees. His Mama and Daddy they feel they have the right to treat their servants like they're sub-human just because they pay them. XX also hates how his Mama and Daddy have the audacity to complain about the pains of being wealthy while thoughtlessly spending what other people fight or ruin their whole lives to get . Infact XX discovers that the cost of one Yoshikazu's bottle of wine (that Yoshikazu swigs down like soda) and one of Yawara's new fur coats (that she only uses once then never uses again), alone could have paid for one of Lily's surgeries! XX becomes bitter and furious even calling them and their rich friends "Nothing but wicked cannibals, depraved fools and grotesque spoilers of life ! ". XX even starts secretly stealing from both of them and in true Robin Hood like fashion gives some shares of his spoils to his prostitute friends. He tires of being "Daddy's whipping boy" and "Mama's clown jester", telling himself "its time for me to grow up" but in the mean time, fueled by contempt, he tries to use them both all he can to his advantage.
Later Yoshikazu and Yawara, find out about each other and his stealing, and that ends the arrangement. .
Relationship five, XX now more successful himself, becomes the 'older man' lover to a much younger gay transgendered man Junji. He supports Junji and his dream of being a aspiring pianist. Unfortunately Junji, being so young, is very sensitive and insecure about his own talents and about everything else. Junji identifies himself as male without the use of surgery or hormones, although he wears a binder and male clothing. However Junji still needs constant reassurance from XX, not only that he is 'really' a man , but that he's good looking or smart enough, and that he is really is talented at piano after all . XX finds that he feels uncomfortable being 'in charge' and constantly having to reassure someone. Furthermore, the more XX tries to help, the more Junji's insecurity worsens, until it becomes an burden on him that are hard for them both to bear. At one point, Junji , desperate to please XX, even says he'll pretend to be a woman for XX if it will make XX like him better and continue to support him financially. XX is horrified at that and ends up feeling more constantly worried in a paternal way to Junji than like a lover . Later he finds out Junji has been cheating on him with someone his own age and own station. XX however does not feel upset, feeling this is ultimately what is best for Junji. He ends the relationship with the transgendered man, but gives Junji his blessing and some money to begin his pianist career.
The sixth relationship XX is in, is a ménage a tois with a glamorous and amoral bisexual couple (of the same age) with ties in the underworld. They who take him traveling with them and together they have many hedonist adventures -"
Ok, okay, I'll stop myself here because I'm giving the whole book away! I'm sorry, couldn't help it… but if I tell people any more, they won't go out and buy it! Sorry readers! Buy the book! Read it for yourself, and find out if The Seventh Sexhas the signature Eiri Yuki tragic ending!
EY: I think they can venture a guess.
MM: Anyways thank you for writing this brilliant, gorgeous and daring book. I loved every word of it and I have to say the erotic scenes were sizzling ! The Seventh Sex better win that book award or we at Out will demand justice !
EY: Let us hope that will not be necessary.
There are a several questions about The Seventh Sex, but Shuichi , haven't not read the book, reads further ahead again.
MM: You yourself Mr. Yuki, are openly bisexual. Do realize how that how has made you a sex symbol, not only to your heterosexual female fans, but in the LBGTQ community as well?
EY: I don't find that germane to my literary work but thank you for saying that.
MM: But surely you must know how your being open about your sexuality has gotten you many loyal and adoring fans with us, by that I mean the LGBTQ community! I still remember watching you come out on television, and cheering you on because it gave me the bravery to be honest about who I was… So thank you. Know always, your fans like me have your back Mr Yuki… and maybe your front too, whatever you prefer! Oh my everyone! Look I made Eiri Yuki smile by saying that!
EY: Ahem. Getting back to the subject, I am appreciative of anyone who takes the time to read my works, although I don't think my sexual activities should be a reason for people to either decide to read or not to read them. I would rather people respond to what I write and not to me, but regardless, if my being open and honest about my own orientation has allowed people feel more comfortable about themselves or created room for a dialogue, I am glad to have played a part however small. Clearly, the assumption that people are automatically heterosexual until proven otherwise or must be perceived as heterosexual to appeal to a mass audience , must end. That and as an artist and a human being, I will always advocate the right for individual dignity, personal freedom and embracing the entirety of a person. I believe the right to self- expression is key to this embracing and to this dignity.
On this page there is a photo of Eiri in glasses a podium in what looks like a big auditorium. The caption reads "Eiri Yuki reads a preview of his latest book at an international annual literary conference."
MM: Your work is very tragic! Certainly I've cried many times after a finishing your novels. The theme of failure, violence and early death often permeates through out as well. One critic called the your work 'excruciating' and 'outlandishly unhealthful' and another said 'one should not read Mr. Yuki's books if one wants any chance for happiness in their life" So why is that?
EY: To that I respond ; my work is fiction. In my work, I concentrate more on the personal effects of these tragic incidences on the characters ,more than the 'outlandish' aspects of these said incidents. That and what I write is certainly no more outlandish, excruciating or 'unhealthful' to what unfortunately many people endure, are subjected to, or they themselves perpetrate on a daily basis. So the matters of which I write about are not necessarily about perpetuating 'misery' but mostly what I address and contend with is conflict, which is, to me, is at the essence of most things. What concerns me is the struggle to survive, and not merely in a subsistence way. What interests me is how the integrity of the self and the qualities of innocence, compassion, dignity and happiness can happen to survive in the opposition of trauma, discrimination and the brute reality of circumstance, and how, in many cases, they do not. As a writer, I cannot ignore or close my eyes to the realities that many of us are confronted with , as compared to the ideals with which we hold of we'd like to think of others and ourselves.
MM: Well… I guess you could say the silver lining is suffering makes for exciting art though yes?
EY: Yes, but I personally would rather have more unexciting art for less suffering. I don't believe in the silver lining.
MM: So you don't think you are romanticizing suffering?
EY: Whether or not I do it, it is not my aim. Although much art that features suffering tends to be more harrowing and challenging, the real experience of pain is usually quite brutal, private and isolating. We should always keep this in mind. An attempt to depict something is not necessarily to dignify it, or idealize it or imbue it with profound meaning, but perhaps there is no other way it can be comprehended by some.
MM: So are you saying your stories are .. meaningless?
EY: No, I'm saying that some may like to fixate on the display and image of sadness with a romantic bias but to actually suffer is a whole different matter. Perhaps people romanticize pain because they don't understand or respect it. For them it is the image , not the pain itself they identify with or fantasize about or shallowly relate their own personal issues with.
MM: Like… in the same way that many people who use the term "Romeo and Juliet' when they haven't even read the play, or ever been in love like that?
EY: (sighs) Sure. Why not.. if that analogy makes sense to you. For me suffering of all kinds is something that happens and have lasting repercussions which my novels seek to explore. As we don't romanticize a bodily illness or a instance such as one's house falling down … why should would we romanticize emotional pain, mental illness, or someone's extreme distress or disenfranchisement also ?
So no, I don't admire pain, or revel in misfortune. I rather value someone's resiliency, ability to cope and articulate what they are experiencing in an honest way.
MM: I see. Then why not write … more positive things? I mean wouldn't that make the world better too to give people hope and a sunnier outlook? Why not write a happier ending for once?
EY: As a writer it is my duty and it is my honor to try and seek truth and express it best as I possibly can, not to give people 'a sunnier outlook'. Another person's outlook cannot be my responsibility. If I wrote in another way I feel it would be a disservice and furthermore, it would be dishonest . That and I find that a happy ending is usually is what is expected.
MM: Not from you!
EY: Yes. I am an reverse exception I suppose. But even if it weren't expected at me at this point of my career, I still believe that I would write in the same way. Speaking for myself, I don't think the endings of my books seemed forced or gratuitous. There's a certain trajectory that the characters must traverse. I merely follow it to the furthermost point.
MM: So will you ever write a happy ending?
EY: Perhaps. Most likely not, but only time will tell there. If I do, it won't likely be 'happy' in the way that most people think. Nevertheless, I always appreciate those who take risks with their art, or do the unexpected.
MM: Would you consider yourself a romantic man?
EY: No.
MM: Then may I ask does it offend you to be called a romance novelist? You are so much more than that I think. Many would agree with me!
EY: I am certainly a novelist, but what kind of one I am is up to my audience to decide. It is peculiar that somehow the term romance precedes everything though. You hardly never hear of a 'romance painter' except in a historical sense. In these categories, the genre precedes the work itself, as if it can be called the medium. To say a romance implies there is a certain set of tools you use and a tradition you work can be linked to. In the middle ages, the term romance was used for any type of adventure story and was usually written in verse. In the western tradition, obviously the romance as we think of it now can be delineated back to the Jane Austen and Bronte Sister novels, and many others, including H.G Wells, Victor Hugo, etc. etc. They can be also said to be a corruption of the dime novel or the regency novels of the 18th century. In the Japanese tradition, the romance novel as we know it today, can be traced back much earlier, to over a thousand years ago- in texts like The Tale of Genji (1000) and the romantic story Sumiyoshi Monogatri (1200)
So no, being called a romance writer doesn't offend me in the slightest. The term "romance" like the terms of any genre are flexible and is constantly redefined. People may call me whatever they wish because they will anyways. If it helps people to call me that or link me to a particular genre, then that is their choice and none of my concern. I simply write. Let others squabble where to put it on the shelf.
(That quote : Being called a romance writer doesn't offend me in the slightest…" is printed in big letters under one of his photos. In this photo Eiri is barefoot, and in a deep v-necked navy blue shirt, that reveals the line of his neck. A book is spread out on his lap, and he is elegantly reclining back in a big leather seat , resting his cheek on one hand, with a penetrating yet languid expression)
MM: Does your personal life ever inspire your work?
EY: I should think by now that my personal life is very separate from my art, in the same way I do not consider myself a romantic man, but I am at large considered a romance writer. I 'm not of the school that all art is confessional or to that an artist should exploit any of personal relationships for "material" , but perhaps unconsciously, people in my personal life may have had some influence in my work at certain points in time, and perhaps the concerns in my artistic life may have coincidently been parallel to the concerns in my personal life also.
MM: Could you be more specific about that?
EY:I could be but I won't.
MM: You are married to the gorgeous heiress and model Sonoko Hirata and you have a son together. You just recently had a daughter too? Congratulations!
EY: Yes, thank you but I would prefer to keep that aspect of my life private.
MM: Ofcourse, we respect your privacy Mr. Yuki! Let me ask you something else. Do you think the role of artists have been romanticized?
EY: To a certain degree yes the more successful artists, if you had drawn enough attention to be romanticized then clearly you have become successful. I think to some degree these myths clearly serve societal functions. Artists are often are used as cautionary tales. unfortunately it become an automatic assumption and clichés- … But they are not problematic in of themselves until those assumptions are taken too seriously or they overshadow the artist's art or their artistic statements… if its more about the tragedy or the transgressive nature of their lives as opposed to their overall work and output . If that were so , an artists is just playing a sin-eater or martyr- someone who is expected to bypass societal bounds and pay the price when actually - being an artist is really about making art. That's all it is.
MM: And what about the rest?
EY: The rest is superfluous really- those aspects most of all. Its not about how one looks like, being a trend setter, or "being an non-conformist" or any of that - although there people who happen to be outsiders who make art - but they are artists because they make art and not for any other reason. For the most part, the role of an artist is a very conventional role. Art serves society and vice versa- even if the art is critical of that society. In fact the art that is most critical of society serves the society the most. Society constructs what an artist is and dictates how they behave and operate just as much as any other system or occupation- the whole consciously attempting to be the rebellious artist is just another way of doing what's expected of you. Furthermore artists who were very rebellious and scandalous in their day are the bedrock of the mainstream now. Usually its just a matter of timing.
MM: What do you find problematic in the mainstream literary world?
EY: A lot of these things in the literary world that bother me, yet I'm part of it. I'm no less guilty than anyone else. I'm complicit in it, and I recognize that I really have no right to complain or comment about it because ultimately I am part of it whether I like or not. It simply what happens when you put yourself out there
MM: Do you ever think there's a conflict between good work and commercial work?
EY: I think that's a personal decision if people compromise their work to be less than what they think it could be in the hopes that it might sell. But I don't think there's necessarily a conflict between good work and sellable work. It just means there's a different audience for it out there.
MM: Any advice to other artists or writers?
EY: I think sometimes to give advice can be considered a form of meddling, isn't it? But if you must… Everyone has their path so don't bother looking towards other people's. Keep trying. Trust your gut. This is advice to everyone really. If you are unhappy in a situation, you probably have right to be.
Also research. Knowing your predecessors is helpful as it is to experience more- reading books is a good thing for anyone whether you are a dancer or a writer or sculptor or musician, no matter what field you're in , obtaining knowledge isn't bad. And in general : indulge yourself but not at the expense of other people- not at least the ones you care about . Be understanding if possible, as much as you possibly can. Sometimes we act in disagreeable ways, but we can't always blame ourselves. We all have to allow our occasional weaknesses.
MM: But what weaknesses could you have ?
EY: I have the same weaknesses that everyone else has.
MM: So why make art, or write if you're not different in your own so very humble opinion ?Don't you think you're particularly creative? Your books are so interesting and out there!
EY: No. I don't consider myself to be creative. I just say what I think. If most of us said what we thought we probably would all be considered "creative" or so you call it. I could say I write and some people don't so I became an novelist. I could say the opportunity simply arose and so I took it. There's a lot of reasons but they don't particularly mean anything. There's no difference between an artist and another human being, Most likely the key to being creative is just to look harder, listen closely and forget nothing. Us artists probably don't know anything different than anyone else, and like everyone else, we are struggling to make our way and understand what is happening outside and within us . The art is most often just the product of this struggle, or a choice to turn what might have been an weakness into a strength.
The next photo is purely a glamour photo . This one is of Eiri, staring intensely into the camera, in dark pants, and his dark crimson shirt unbuttoned nearly the whole way down on his chest, one hand appearing to be unbuttoning the next button.
MM: That sounds pessimistic doesn't it?
EY: Not to me. Just because it's a struggle that you can't enjoy it or find companionship or that's its all in vain. Sometimes it can quite rewarding. But other times - it isn't.
MM: What is happiness in your opinion?
EY: What is this? A self-help meeting?
MM:A self help meeting with Eiri Yuki! That would be a dream come true!
EY: I won't ask what kind of dream. If I knew what happiness was as I couldn't tell it to anybody simply because it wouldn't mean anything to them. Once again it is personal matter and something you have to discover for yourself. For some people its their families, or their work or their hobbies, or being accepted by others or by themselves. It seems that for most people define happiness as perpetually living in a state of 'before' … or the possible 'after.' Some other believe that the search for happiness is illusionary. It will find you or not at all
MM: Did happiness find you? I mean if spite of your very sad books.
EY: (After a pause) Yes. It has. In spite of what some might call my very sad books, I am a very content man. Though I may have never been able to find happiness in my novels…I can say that I am fortunate enough to have finally found happiness in my life.
Eiri Yuki then smiles mysteriously.
When Shuichi finally takes gets around taking another sip of his coffee, it has gotten cold.
"Daizai!"
"Yeah?" Daizai storms in, hands in his pockets. He slides his camera bag sloppily onto the sofa. He carries the aura of cigarette smell like a force field around him. (Daizai only smokes when he works as it helps him think.)
"Baby why weren't you picking up your phone? I've been trying to call you for two hours." Shuichi stands up and asks worriedly. "Where are you? I missed you this morning."
"I told you, I was working Shu. I saw the light was good so I went out. Then it got cloudy." Daizai eyes him irritably . "So I came back."
"That's no excuse not to pick up!"
"Yeah well, you know how I get."
"Yeah. I do know. That's why I wanted to call you. Shuichi asks. "How are you feeling about everything? About the reviews?"
Daizai is silent.
"I feel fine." The photographer shrugs.
"Just fine? Shuichi cries. "The response to your first show was overwhelming positive. I mean amazing even . You were so happy when you sold those pieces a few days ago. You should be even more ecstatic now!"
"Yeah I should but I'm just holding all this ecstasy inside." Daizai rolls his eyes and walks towards the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower."
Shuichi follows him. "Daizai. I think should talk about this."
"Uh oh. I know what that means. Just let me take a shower first. I don't want to talk to you smelling like a bus stop. "
Shuichi commands. "Wait. Take the hands out of your pockets."
"Why. You want to inspect if my fingernails are dirty?" Daizai asks dryly. "Or see if I have been dipping my fingers in any pies on windowsills?"
"Just do it Daizai!"
"Begrudgingly, Daizai takes them out of his pockets.
Daizai's hands , though wrapped in stretchy gauze, have reddish stains seeping through them.
Shuichi gasps.
Daizai sighs. "I just spent some time today getting re-familiarized with barbed wire."
Shuichi croaks. "Daizai."
"Well actually, no." Daizai attempts a smile. " It called my mother a name so I had to teach it a lesson and bend it all out of shape."
"That's …not funny Daizai! " Shuichi stammers. " Oh my god. I told you not to do that anymore!"
"Yes you did, but you can't instruct me how to do my work, and what I did this morning was for my work." Daizai explains patiently. "I was taking more photos in the same style as I did of Bound Judgment. "
" You know how I feel about that photo! I think its awful and scary!" Shuichi erupts.
"And that's alright. I know that. I wouldn't expect you to approve of everything I do." Daizai nods curtly. "Its not going to stop me from doing it though."
"I wish it could!" Shuichi cries. "Whatever involves you hurting yourself, I don't want to understand it or approve of it! Its wrong!"
"Heh. God. Look at how you're reacting… you're like my mother- if my mother cared. Now I'm glad I just did my hands today, and not the barbed wire necklace photo that I planned to do later." Daizai snorts. 'Or the underwear one."
"Barbed … oh god. " Shuichi puts his face in his hands.
"The last one was a joke Shu." Daizai mutters.
"Don''t… don't even talk about it at all." Shuichi trembles. "I don't get it… how can you stand there and talk about doing something so terrible like that so nonchalantly?!"
"Its not nonchalantly at all. I'm saying it authoritatively. " Daizai asserts. "Awful or not, it's my concept so I own it. "
"But its crazy! Why do you have to use your own hands for the photo? Couldn't you do your same concept with fake wire?" Shuichi gesticulates wildly, in near tears. " Why couldn't you use fake blood instead?"
"Because I JUST can't!" Daizai snarls, throwing up his wounded hands. "It has to be REAL Shu!
Shuichi swallows.
Daizai cajoles, continuing. "It has to be of my hands because I certainly wouldn't ask someone else to do it. Crazy or not, I am committed to what I do. Don't you see?! My work isn't fun and games to me. Why would I bother taking the photo and why would I ask people to waste their time looking at it , if its just a bunch of fake props and parlor tricks ?" Daizai scoffs bitterly before Shuichi can interject.
"You know that's what I hated about working in fashion photography. All the bullshit. The fucking fraud of it. Everything was just sets, assembly line looking models, tons of make- up and angles and high beamed lighting then photo shopped to make the whole fakery even more fake. You think a little barbed wire around someone's body was scary?! Now all that to me was a real nightmare!"
"Listen, I know you're… very dedicated to your art and you have right to be, but your well-being more important to me then just a photograph." Shuichi says slowly.
"Excuse me?" Daizai raises a brow, and folds his arms across his chest. "What do you mean just a photograph?"
"I mean… just one photograph. You know what I mean. I mean there has to be some boundaries Daizai."Shuichi croaks. "I mean… those kind of photographs aren't art! That's just harming yourself…"
"A lot of people would say the same for tattoos, and for body piercing too." Daizai indicates to his tattooed arms and his pierced ears, and eyebrows and nose and tongue.
"But … that's different Daizai." Shuichi moans exasperatedly. "You know it is."
"How is it? Isn't that also for a form of self mutilation for the sake of a artistic ideal?"
"Please. I don't want to get into some intellectual argument about what art is or isn't- I just want to make sure you're okay. "Shuichi grabs him by the wrist. "And I don't mean just your hands either."
"Yeah." Daizai shakes Shuichi off his wrist, then bends his hand. "See? I'm fine. They're my money, I wouldn't ruin them. These babies are just a little torn up….heh." The photographer half-smiles as if in admission. "Like my pride."
" The reviews did upset you didn't it?"Shuichi says softly.
Daizai clears his throat. "Yeah… it did a little."
"Oh love." Shuichi takes Daizai into his arms.
With Daizai in his arms, he soothes him. "You can't let one bad review get to you to the point that you're doing things like this to yourself…Even if you claim its for your art. "
"C'mon. A little pain relieves stress. Its how I got started on all the body modification in the first place, so it was either this or get a new tattoo." Daizai mutters, his head in Shuichi's chest. "This seemed like the less stupid course of action. I'm starting to look more like a yazuka every day. Old ladies already turn around and walk the other way when they see me…"
"Come on." Shuichi leads him to the bathroom. "Lets take care of your hands."
As Daizai washes them, Shuichi goes to search for his first aid kit.
Shuichi carefully applies antiseptic cream on the small punctures on Daizai's hands.
"Sorry if this hurts," Shuichi says apologetically. "I'll do it as gently as I can. I just don't want it to leave scars or get infected"
"Hey it won't hurt as much as how I got them in the first place." Daizai mutters.
As Shuichi searches for his frist aid kit, he says. "What you're going through happens to everybody in any public arena Daizai. That's just part of being an artist is dealing with stupid critics. I mean do you know how many terrible reviews Bad Luck has gotten over the years? I lost count!"
" Those don't count in the first place." Daizai sniffs.
"So you know what its like. If only you took your own advice Daizai. " Shuichi finds the kit and puts it on the counter. " Also I researched it online and that one critic who wrote that really mean one is notorious for being a pompous jerk for the sake of it. Its his shtick. So you shouldn't take into account what he says."
"Yeah , but the bad reviews are what matter most. They are the ones that help you improve. That and I read it closely. even though the critic was an asshole, he had a point." Daizai winces as Shuichi begins to attend to his hand carefully. "Face it. I'm nobody. No matter how hard I try or how honest I am, everyone sees the intent of my work as trying to overcompensate for once being a frivolous fashion photographer'. I'm nothing special and I'm not trained to do this. The only reason anyone gives me the time of day is because I'm attached to you …like your appendage."
"That's not true at all. You're a wonderful artist with a lot to say, and that guy doesn't even know what he's talking about. Fashion photography can be a form of art and furthermore many famous art photographers started as fashion photographers too! Being traditionally trained has nothing to do with having artistic merit or having a good eye or talent. I mean look at Bad Luck, I never went to college to study music and neither did Hiro or Fujisaki…" Shuichi takes new gauze and wraps it around Daizai's hands.
"Yeah but what college would take you three?" Daizai mutters.
"Ha." Shuichi says testily. " As for people making that association with me, people will do that because that's what they're inclined to do. That's not even a bad thing! Initially, it works to your advantage. All it does is get your foot in the door. Once people see your work, and how amazing it is , it will stand up on its own and it won't matter to anyone who you're seeing. Its how the game works."
"I know but..." Daizai says solemnly. "Frankly I don't like this game Shu. I didn't like it when I was free-lancing, or when I was in the fashion world, and I don't like it here either, I find it pretty damn ugly and that's a lot coming from me. I don't like having to exploit my personal relationships to get ahead. It feels wrong."
"You aren't exploiting our relationship and who cares what they think Daizai? It's about your vision as an artist and how we feel about each other, all the rest is background noise. You have to ignore all that, and have confidence in yourself in order to succeed." Shuichi encourages him as he finishes up wrapping his hands.
"Why should I?"
"Because your work is amazing that's why! "
"Heh."Daizai looks away. "You're just saying that because I'm your lover Shu."
" Even if you weren't, I would think so. You been selling all those pieces to all those collectors! You being with me had nothing to do with that!"
"Are you sure about that ?" Daizai's eyes narrow.
"You think I would lie ?" Shuichi gawks.
"I don't know Shu" Daizai sighs." Maybe you would if you think it would help me or protect my feelings because.. that's your nature. You may be clumsy and make mistakes at times, but you're the most good-hearted and well meaning person I know. Actually, that's your worst problem. You think you have to save everybody and make everyone happy ."
Shuichi is stunned. "Daizai…that may be so but..."
"Yeah. I know you wouldn't do that. Sorry. If you did have anything to do with those sales, you would have told me by now," Daizai murmurs. "You're awful at keeping secrets like that."
"Yeah… I am. " Shuichi grimaces.
They leave the bathroom and inevitably find their way to the kitchen table.
Shuichi points to the Out Magazine article that he has separated from the pile. "Also I wanted to ask why did you print that article on Yuki for me?"
"I thought it might help you figure what you were asking me about his books that time." Daizai remarks as he takes a seat. "Did it?"
"It was interesting but I'm not sure it did." Shuichi says, sitting across from him.
"Why not?"
" …I ran into him again."
Daizai flinches at him from across the table. "What did you say?"
Shuichi says hesitantly. "I was so excited about the good news about your sales, I didn't tell you that I ran into Yuki… during my walk."
Daizai sits back in his seat. "No."
"Yes."
"How?" Daizai looks near horrified . "How… is that even possible?!"
"I'm asking myself the same question. It was eerie. When I saw him, Eiri looked awful and had this terrible black eye. He acted so strange… he said he had an accident so I helped him catch a cab…"
"But still… shit, what are the chances?" Daizai says disturbed.
" I know." Shuichi winces . "Does it bother you?"
"Um. I don't know if the word bother is the right one." Daizai mumbles and puts his head in his bandaged hands. "It's… bewildering. But no, it doesn't bother or surprise me that you would help the Eiri out if he was in a jam… but…"
"But what?"
"I guess I should be honest. I've been trying to be respectful, cool and mature about it, but this has been… troubling for me too Shuichi."Daizai's mouth twists as he struggles to say. "Maybe I shouldn't say this…but..uh…"
"No please. If something's troubling you I want to know about it. I'm sure it will make you feel to get it off your chest. "
"Okay I guess I have no choice because I already started, so I might as finish saying it." Daizai takes a deep breath. "I always knew your ex was, and I appreciated his work for a long time before I even met you - so to tell you the truth , I've always been … curious about you and Eiri's relationship. From what little I know, even I understand that Eiri had a major affect on your life and your career… you wrote some of your greatest hits about him like Glaring Dream."
"Yeah, but that was a while back…" Shuichi sighs.
"But rumor has it over the years that you inspired some of Eiri's best novels as well, including a few in that article … that's why I printed it out for you."
"If that's true, I don't know anything about it. Like which ones?"
"I don't know…several of them… but I think one of them is where the two straight boys fall in love with each other. The Bitterness of Absence one" Daizai swallows.
"That's not even possible. " Shuichi frowns. "Didn't Yuki… write that book when we had already broken up?"
"Yeah, well. " Daizai grimaces. "According to the rumor mill, you two tragically have never gotten over each other."
"Yeah and they would say we're Martians bent on world domination they could. That's just gossip mongering and trying to invent something in the slow day in entertainment news…" Shuichi sighs again.
"Initially, that's what I thought too, but I have to admit, it got me wondering. In all this time we've been together…and that's three years " Daizai's eyes widen "why is it you never talked about Eiri or your time with him even once?"
"Why would he come up Daizai?" Shuichi brow ticks. "I didn't even know you liked Yuki's books until recently. You even …hid that fact from me."
"Yes, I know I did, but that was because it seemed like you were purposely trying to avoid all mention him. You never expressed curiosity in knowing what Eiri was doing or what books he was releasing…. I mean you didn't even know Eiri married that supermodel or had kids. That's pretty common knowledge." Daizai looks down. "Because you never said anything about him or your history with him, I assumed maybe you just didn't want to go there, and that it would be best to keep the fact I liked his novels to myself."
" You shouldn't have felt that way. I wasn't purposely trying to avoid the subject," Shuichi says. " It was more that what Yuki was doing or not doing didn't interest me anymore… "
"Not even slightly? And once I tell you I like his books, you randomly run into him that time and get a book signed for me- which was wonderful of you to do by the way… but since then, after not talking about Eiri for years , you're suddenly reading his novels? I mean you never read. Except for a magazine, or stop sign or nutrition label occasionally!" Daizai exclaims. He looks near angry.
"I became curious because you liked them Daizai." Shuichi says confusedly at Daizai's agitated reaction. "I wanted to see why that was and maybe even have something else in common with you. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try something out…"
"No there isn't anything wrong with it….in fact I'm glad to see you reading, and it is something we could do together, like have a book group or something." Daizai calms himself. "Its not that. What truly bothered me was that Eiri's books really seemed to pull a reaction out of you…"
"Well… yes, they are very sad." Shuichi admits.
"Is that all? I mean they're sad to all his readers, but you acted like…" Daizai shakes his head. " I know this sounds crazy but-"
"Acting like what?"
"Reacting like you did, saying you needed time for yourself had me really concerned. You were acting like …all … fucked up about it. … as if reading his work shook you to the core. " Daizai grits. "It was like… how a … anxious or heartbroken lover might react reading his works."
"Daizai. What are you talking about?" Shuichi's jaw drops.
" I don't even know. I just don't want you to see you get upset over something that doesn't warrant it Shu. Beautiful as Eiri Yuki's books are and as I much as I love them, they're not worth having a breakdown over. That and I admit it bothered me…" Daizai crosses his arms against his chest. "I've never seen you respond so viscerally to my photos- except to Bound Judgment ofcourse."
"How could I react the same?" Shuichi gapes. "I love your work Daizai, and it moves me… but what you and he do is completely different! I can't compare you two at all… "
" I know that. I know its petty and stupid and completely unfair but still. I can't help …comparing myself to your ex and I don't like how those odds are stacked. " Daizai glowers at the table top.
Shuichi mouth remains opens. "What odds?"
"I mean. Okay before I explain that." Daizai actually ducks his head and blushes. "Shit …I should admit something to you right now…this is embarrassing … but… promise not to laugh?"
Shuichi nods. "Ofcourse I won't."
"But if I had met Eiri Yuki as adolescent…" Daizai mumbles into his hands. "I probably wouldn't have been any better than any of those teenage girl fans that used to scream and try to tear off his clothing when they saw him. "
Shuichi gawps. "You … would have tried to tear off Yuki's clothing?!"
"At 16, hell yes I would of! But not in a sexual way- okay maybe slightly…alright I had a little crush on him then, but what did I know, I was just a kid!" Daizai winces, his blush deepening even further. " I think if I would have tried to tear at his clothes, it would be like how someone might try and grab at anything to comfort themselves, like how a beggar might clutch at a cloak of a well-dressed passerby for help! I mean… I was a lonely teenager, and I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay… and I wasn't exactly in an welcoming environment. But when I read Eiri Yuki books, I almost felt like … Eiri Yuki was like a … otherworldly or private poetic friend of mine, who because his novels were so… sensitive and emotionally honest, you felt like you could confide anything to him…I meant it when I said it felt like someone putting a hand on your shoulder and saying "You're not alone. You get it and I get it". That's how I felt. I know it sounds insane, but I was going through a lot at the time… and those novels he wrote…kind of saved me. They seemed to express exactly what I was going through. I mean, they're the kind of books I used to steal them from my sisters and read them secretly alone in my bedroom with a flashlight, and shed tears over them at night, convinced that no one else in the world understood me…." Daizai grits. "Mortifying as it is to admit."
"Wow" Shuichi stares wide eyed. "You didn't tell me Yuki's books meant so much to you … "
" I know. I know. I thought you would figure it out, when you saw how I reacted when I got that signed copy- I behaved like a complete dork. It was like being a awkward sixteen year old all over again. So not only am I dealing with that confusion, but I mean… Eiri Yuki is a damn intimidating opening act to follow. He's really handsome, famous, rich, cool, and talented… but there's also the sexual comparison- and from what you said, he actually did live up to his reputation about being good in bed- A lot of times people disappoint you there. " Daizai groans up at the ceiling. "Great. Now I have the image of you and Eiri in bed together burned into my brain, you and him and his apparently giant dick ! "
"Oh for God's sake, that was more than 15 years ago!" Shuichi cries and slaps a hand over his eyes." There's no opening act to follow here- I don't think of my relationships like a stage show! And you were the one who asked about our prior sex life saying you were secure in our relationship, I didn't even want to tell you about that!"
"Yeah well I guess I'm not as secure as I thought I was. Especially in the midst of setting off a new career- its got me all kind of off-balance, and my weird teenage idolization of his books. Not only that , you seem by some bizarre hand of fate to keep running into Eiri which doesn't help either…"Daizai sighs. " So what am I supposed to think of that ?"
"I don't know what to tell you. I don't what to think either about it. I'm just happy that reading Eiri's books helped you in a hard time of your life though. That and truthfully, I can say to you that despite what you may have thought what Yuki was like from his books, actually being with Yuki…the man himself, wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. I can tell you… he's deep down a good man… but he's not all that he appears. " Shuichi swallows. "We had a lot of problems."
"I know. I know oftentimes artists and their art can be completely different from one another. But on the surface …" Daizai shakes his head. "Eiri Yuki seemed …perfect for you. You seemed perfect for each other. "
"You're perfect for me Daizai."
" Its other way around I think. Frankly I've never cared for anyone else, except you. No one ever gave a shit about me either, and for a long time I didn't give a shit about myself." Daizai says frankly. "I sometimes feel like a stray you picked up and brought in from the cold. Maybe I am. But I'm so lucky you did. That's just another thing Eiri Yuki was right about."
"You're not a stray. "Shuichi tells him firmly. "Any more than I was one Daizai."
"No. Never " Daizai says softly. " You've never been a stray and thank God. You've always been loved and wanted by someone Shuichi. You came from a good family who cared about you. You've always had Hiro and your other good friends. That and you have millions of adoring fans. But I'm happy, because that's how it should be because you're someone beautiful and special."
"You're beautiful and special too." Shuichi says gently. "And that doesn't mean… that I didn't feel alone too sometimes Daizai."
"I know. But whether you knew I or not, you never were alone." Daizai looks away. "You even had Eiri Yuki or he had you for a while. I know it was a long time ago and you and Eiri had your issues and I don't know how it ended between you two, but … you really cared for each other, didn't you?"
Shuichi says quietly. "Yes we did care for each other but it doesn't matter anymore. You have absolutely nothing to worry about Daizai. Yuki and I are different people now, we made our choices and we have our own separate lives. That is the way it has to be."
The younger man stands up from his seat, frowning. "What do you mean… that's the way it has to be?"
"What I mean is whatever Yuki and I had… its over." Shuichi says hesitantly. "Its long in the past. There's no point in looking back."
"Don't say that." Daizai snaps. "Yes its over, but what you had with Eiri isn't irrelevant and the past is part of what made you who you are today."
Shuichi is quiet.
"But you want to know why I think reading those books upset you so much?" Daizai says softly. " I get the feeling that reading Eiri's books may have reminded you of some of those problems you mentioned having had with him back then."
"Why would it?"Shuichi says. "Our relationship ended a very long time ago."
"Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean there's closure to it. If everything between you two had been resolved, reading Eiri's books wouldn't be so distressing to you now . Maybe that's why you keep running into Eiri too… on some level, you and he still have unfinished business…"
"Like ghosts?" Shuichi gapes. "You're not saying we're… haunting each other are you?"
"Not exactly Shu." Daizai sighs. " Well maybe I do, in an emotional sense. I know you don't feel that way about Eiri anymore… but you got to admit there's a ghost, or just… something lingering between you two still."
"Daizai." Shuichi regards the younger man sadly. "What do I have to do to make you believe that I love you now?"
"Its okay. I believe that- you love me. That's not in question but …" Daizai bends down, and takes Shuichi by the sides of his face.
"But what…"
"But can we take some pictures together?"
Daizai spent the rest of the day taking photos of Shuichi. This time he takes it with a digital camera as he knows Shuichi likes to look at them straight afterwards.
Daizai says very little throughout. He also smokes the whole time.
At the end of the day, Daizai takes him to his studio which has a small adjunct room with a murphy bed. Sometimes when Daizai is really caught up in working, he stays in his studio overnight.
Daizai shows him the photos he's taken on his computer which he enlarges on a projection screen. Shuichi stands as Danzai sits in his desk chair.
'What do you think." Is all Daizai says.
"These are gorgeous Daizai." Shuichi replies.
Daizai glances at him "It helps having a gorgeous subject."
"Heh," Shuichi smiles. "You are such a flatterer."
"I'm just being honest. You don't mind my taking pictures of you, do you?"
"No.. no of course.. I don't." Shuichi says quietly. "In fact… I think one day you should make a book or make a show of these."
"Never. " Daizai inhales his cigarette. "The portraits of you are just for myself. Except for that time but I won't do it again… "
"Why not? Also, that picture didn't count Daizai… I wasn't really in it" Shuichi says softly.
"I won't do it again because it was my dedication to you for my first show and yes you were in the photo. Your shadow was in it, which is a part of you. I wanted to show you how even something as insubstantial of yours as your shadow is significant to me. That is why I wanted the work to be the most important work in the exhibition and that's why it had to be such a large scale." Daizai says.
"Yeah but that big?" Shuichi smiles. "Wasn't it a bit excessive?"
"No. I had to get the point across." Daizai says seriously.
"What point was that?"
Daizai puts out his cigarette and looks at him.
"Besides being beautiful, talented, kind, and full of life.. with you Shuichi I feel like there's something else inside you, some light, something indomitable… and powerful that most people don't see- because they're too blind to see it, but once they do see it… it doesn't let them go. It grips them. It changes them forever."
"I don't know what you're talking about Daizai." Shuichi tilts his head. "Also there wasn't much light like that photo… there was darkness and some sadness in it instead Daizai. Why?"
"Yes. You could say there is sadness or maybe anxiety in the image. All light, no matter how brilliant it is, casts a shadow. I wanted to know what yours is. That and the shadow represents what I don't and can't know about you. What's… between us. Everything about your past. Sometimes I think that there is something sad… inside you that you don't share with me . Things that have hurt you- that maybe I can't help you with, and that causes me hurt too. You don't know if the figure is coming or going… so the shadow represents maybe that anxiety… that uncertainty ."
"Uncertainty about what?" Shuichi whispers.
" I feel uncertain about lot of things. Especially the future. I don't know what will happen -with my career or with you, but I know if I don't make it as an artist photographer, I can move on to something else. But… I can't envision any future at all without you." Daizai states. "But that's the beauty of photos. Photos are a sure thing. They last."
Shuichi tilts his head up with a hand under his chin.
Daizai rises and pulls him forward, infront of the light.
With the image projected on their bodies, they kiss.
After that, they make love in Daizai's studio.
It's a focused, quiet, intimate experience. Most of it is simply being entwined, kissing and touching and not much actual sex, and all movements are slow, considerate of Daizai's injured hands.
Afterwards, they lie together in the half-darkness on his Murphy bed. Daizai lies back in his arms, his back against Shuichi's chest.
Daizai brings a hand very gingerly up to stroke Shuichi's cheek. "Its… important to me that and nobody ever know that it was your shadow in the photo except you and me."
"You like keeping that secret?" Shuichi leans into his hand and kisses his unscathed fingers.
"Yes." Daizai says. "I find it intimate, don't you?"
"Its very… romantic." Shuichi says sleepily.
Daizai looks up at him. "I like knowing that even unknowingly and just in your shadow alone , your beauty comes through. Even that nasty critic had to admit it. That and it was the first and the biggest piece of the show that sold- not that it matters that it sold but… I wonder…"
Shuichi shivers as Daizai twists his head to kiss his neck.
"I wonder if that mysterious buyer who bought Love's Shadow that night could see in it I see in you."
Daizai is still fast asleep when Shuichi wakes up. Even asleep, the young man looks utterly exhausted.
Shuichi kisses Daizai carefully on the cheek. He does not stir.
Quietly as possible, Shuichi checks his phone to check for the time. Then he checks his messages. Nothing particularly pressing. One from Hiro. Another funny picture text from Sakuma. He scrolls down and sees the text Eiri sent him a few days ago.
"Eye is fine. Thank you for your help. - E.Y"
Shuichi stares at it. Eiri never replied back to his other texts. He wonders if he should text him again. He wonders if Eiri is okay. The writer behaved so oddly when he last saw him.
Shuichi starts to text.
"Hope you are feeling better."
He erases that.
"Are you ok Yuki? I was just wondering because when I last saw you , you didn't look so great. "
He erases that too.
"But why did you act so weird when I saw you? Did you really get in a accident? It looked almost as if someone attacked you! That was scary. Were you really in that park to 'meet someone'? If so, who was it?
The pop star erases all those questions then types
Do you truly like the photo you bought or did you just tell me that? Where is it hanging right now? I just hope its not in some storage unit never to be looked at again…"
After he erases that, Shuichi types.
"Where are you now Eiri? What happened to you in all these years- with your marriage and your children? (Your children are so beautiful by the way.) Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me something?
He presses backspace and watches all of it disappear.
Then again, you never didn't tell me much. Why did we never really talk about …what happened at the end? Actually, what did happen? It was so confusing. I still don't know what to think. I think… I was in the wrong though …
Shuichi erases the paragraph and types.
Did you really write some of those books about us? Is that why it hurts so much to read them? Why I can feel your presence when I do? Is that why I couldn't stop reading them for a while even though I wanted to?
Backspace again.
Most importantly, did you truly find happiness like you said in the interview?
After a moment, Shuichi types.
I hope you did Eiri.
Then he types.
Why do I feel the need to ask these questions now?
There's no way of answering them is there?
He erases all that with a deep sigh.
There is one question he know he can answer. Shuichi wonders how The Seventh Sex ended. He reads a synopsis off the internet on his phone.
It turns out XX was never happy or in love with his all six of the previous main long-term relationships throughout his life. Those relationships were always built on lies, as they always required him to pretend to be someone he wasn't and play a gender or power role that did not feel true to himself. Those relationships were also always based in the fulfilling of power dynamics (Such as being a younger dependent on a older benefactor, or vice versa) and more in the convenient gratifying in mutual various material, economic and selfish psychological needs then actual love and support.
XX realizes he was always either using his lovers, or being used himself. In spite of all his vast and worldly experience with men and women and all those in between, XX has never experienced true love or acceptance, so in that way, all of his journey has amounted to nothing.
XX then descends into an intense depression and bitterness, thinking relationships and love itself is a lie. He believes love is just a name that people attribute to the gratifying of their base desires and their fears about being alone. XX believes now as he came into the world alone, that is the way he will live from then on and die the same way. He swears never to care for anyone but himself again, as all it has done is hurt him.
It turns out, the last relationship, the seventh, XX finally does find the love and acceptance that he's longing for.
XX by chance accidentally runs into childhood friend tom boy Taura again, the only person who has ever liked him for who he really is. Taura, true to her brave and heroic spirit in adulthood, has become a police officer. (Funnily enough, they meet again when Taura pulls him over to give him a ticket for speeding.)
They rekindle their friendship. XX hides and lies about his business practices (he is also still tied to the glamorous bisexual and amoral underworld couple amongst other things such as art and antique forging, and smuggling- and how he met this amoral couple in the first place ).
Taura and XX friendship develops into a passionate love affair. With Taura, XX finally feels free, happy and contented as he is no longer constantly pretending or reduced to role-playing. Also being straight forward and self-sufficient , Taura does not want or need anything from him except to love him. He doesn't need to otherwise pretend with her (except her being a police officer, he omits telling her about his life of crime')
With Taura XX feels entirely free and self-actualized and alive. Love XX realizes is self liberation, and liberating others. It has no limit. It goes beyond everything, sex, gender, class, nationality. It goes beyond and beyond and beyond.
After this revelation, XX knows he is madly in love with Taura and cannot think of a life without her. He even wants Taura to become his wife of sorts (or rather , not believing in gender specific terms and having a sense of humor, he calls her his lucky 7).
This is exciting and life changing, as this is something XX never considered before or even thought possible for himself after his thought of swearing off love and his belief that he will die alone.
However XX is still "involved" with the glamorous amoral couple as he owes them money and they are in business together.
Worried about his own and Taura's safety , XX plans to escape Japan. He proposes to Taura and tells her the truth about himself- about his difficult life as an teenage escort and how it lead to his questionable path now. He tells her he plans to run away with her and start a new and legitimate life.
Taura is not only shocked and upset that XX has lied to her all this time, but she also has family ties, many friends and a job she loves and doesn't want to leave. Forever the optimist, Taura believes because of her police officer background, she can protect XX from the evil couple.
XX tells Taura he isn't worth putting herself at risk. XX worried more for Taura's safety then his own, states that the only way to guarantee her safety is to turn himself in and by doing so he can testify against the glamorous couple and bring them all down.
Taura refuses to allow him to do that. She loves XX too much to see him go to prison, however but knowing of his criminal background, she realizes she cannot in good conscience be with him anymore.
She refuses his proposal and breaks off their relationship.
Rejected, XX resigns himself to the glamorous couple. He is completely miserable but at least relieved in the knowledge that now separated from him, Taura will be safe. But before he does, XX buys a ring for himself and engraves Taura's name and "7 " on it to symbolize his secret love for her.
Back with the couple, XX never wears this private ring, as he is worried the couple might notice, but keeps it in his pocket .
Things get worse for him and the couple. The couple grow from amoral, to just plain depraved. XX is scared but can't see any way out of his situation. However he feels sad or angry or afraid, he puts his hand in his pocket to feel the ring there, to think of Taura and comfort himself.
Cruelly, the amoral couple sees XX do it once. They makes him show the ring to them, and then to punish him, they mock him and have someone beat him up and watch for their own amusement . They even laugh and clap at some parts. Afterwards, as he lies groaning and bleeding on the ground. The wife (while stepping on his hand with a high-heeled shoe) takes the ring from him .
For that point, she wears it on a gold chain around her neck as a trophy to torment him. It does torment him. XX desperately wants his ring back, as he has nothing else to remember Taura by and he is worried about them finding out who Taura is .
The underworld glamorous couple, as they now have his ring, they do find out who Taura is and that his former lover was a police officer . They now distrust him and think him as a possible betrayer or a plant from the police.
Taura who suspects this might happen all along, even though their relationship has ended and even knowing of XX's illegality, tries to secretly watch over and protect XX.
However, Taura overestimates her ability to protect him. When a hired gun tries to shoot XX, Taura pushes him out of the way, and gets fatally shot. Heroic to the end, she dies saving his life.
XX, realizes he's next to die. He has to make a choice. he can run and try and save himself or he can stay and face the music and try and avenge Taura in the process. Tired of running and a life of uselessness, constant opportunism and deception and seeing the consequences of his actions, XX chooses the latter option. He buys himself a gun and grimly waits for the inevitable show down.
In an orgy of violence, a show down finally happens between him and the glamorous married couple.
Everyone dies at the end.
When XX is shot and mortally injured, with great effort, he agonizingly crawls through broken glass to get to the evil wife's dead body. He manages to yank off the ring off the chain off from around her neck.
XX is determined that his last act on earth is he put Taura's ring on his finger and finally get the chance to wear it. Even though, as he believed, he will die alone, but at least he will die unlike he lived, he thinks, an honest person. At least now, despite all the indignity and misfortune that has happened in his life, there will be a moment of redemption. At least now , before he dies he can declare his love for Taura openly.
His hand slippery with blood drops it on the floor.
XX dies before he gets another chance to pick it up and try again.
