"Bella." I snapped out of the daydream I'd been having when I heard someone say my name from just a few metres in front of me. Glancing up, I saw my lecturer standing in front of my desk, a slight look of concern on her face.
That was when I realised that I was only one left in the room.
God, I can be such a retard sometimes.
"I am so sorry. I completely spaced for a sec there."
"Bella, are you ok? There isn't … anything bothering you, is there?" Yeah, actually there is. Just the fact that apparently I'm questioning my sexuality, all over a girl who I haven't got a hope in hell of being with.
Just the usual.
If it had been anyone else, I would have been pretty pissed that someone was asking me personal stuff when they didn't even know me. Especially when it was an authority figure. I didn't really appreciate it, and I could (and had been, in the past) be pretty rude about the whole thing.
However, Ms. Whatever-her-name-was (I have a lot of teachers names to memorise, give me a break), was, without a doubt, the hottest I had. By far. So I didn't get annoyed, but I didn't exactly answer her, either.
"Um, yeah, I'm ok. Just, y'know, new setting and all." I tried to fake a smile, but I don't know if it worked. I was a shitty liar.
"As long as you're sure. Hey, would you mind doing me a favour?"
"Um, sure, I guess. I don't have anything next, so …"
"Will you take this to Mr Hart please? He teaches in the arts department, do you know where that is?" Well, fuck. Of course I know where that is. I wanted to back out – I didn't know if she would be there – but I'd already said yes.
Why did I have to be such a sucker for hot girls?
"Sure." I fought back a sigh when she handed me the slip of paper and made my way out of the class. I was at the other end of the campus, and my dorm was halfway between where I was now and where I needed to go, so I decided to drop my stuff off first.
Then I made my way back outside. The weather had warmed up considerably in the last week, and it was a nice day.
I hadn't seen her since the 'incident' in the coffee shop, and even though on some level I was glad that I hadn't, there was still part of me that ached to see her again. I didn't know how to stop it, and I hated it as much as I wanted it.
I had been hoping that maybe it'd go away. But I knew that it wouldn't, no matter how hard I wished it would. So I was stuck, unable to change anything, with only one person to confide in.
Jasper was great, he really was, but I couldn't just go to him every time I had a little tiny problem. I couldn't burden him all the time – I just wasn't like that.
I preferred to deal with stuff like this on my own.
So even when I was surrounded by people, my friends, I felt, in a way, more alone that I had felt my whole life.
And the year had barely started.
I tried not to let myself get too preoccupied wit thoughts like that, because they did nothing but make me feel melancholy, and usually that brought other people down, too.
So I kept them to myself, until I was alone.
I'd lost count of the amount of times I'd cried myself to sleep.
I was had to stop with my inner musings when I reached the door of the arts building. I had no idea where I was going, and I didn't even know what Mr Hart looked like, but I strolled right in like I knew what I was doing.
As you've probably guessed by now, I don't like asking for help.
Seeing as I didn't have anything else to do, I wondered around the first floor before going onto the second. Some of the doors had signs on them, and I tried not to look too obvious when I paused beside each one.
The receptionist was giving me the eye when I went up to the third floor, but I still wasn't having any luck.
I wasn't paying attention as I was walking up the stairs, so I didn't realise that there was someone coming the opposite way until it was too late. I'd just reached the final step when I felt someone crash into me, and I would have gone tumbling backwards if they hadn't have caught my arm to steady me.
I already knew who it was – as weird (and maybe stalkerish) as it was, I'd recognised the scent. And the hands that were still holding me were sending far too much of a current through my body for them to belong to anyone else.
Alice.
She was looking at me with slight concern in her eyes, and I stepped back as quickly as I could because she was far, far too close. I could feel her breath on my face, and it was driving me insane, making it so tempting to just lean forward those few inches.
But I stopped myself, and I stepped away.
After a second, she released her hold on me. Just like the last time, I missed her touch immediately.
"Bella, are you ok? What are you doing here?"
"I was looking for someone."
"Who?"
"Um, Mr Hart. You know where he is?"
"Yeah, I just came from his lesson, but he's teaching now. Why do you need him?"
"I'm supposed to give him this." I waved the note in the air between us, feeling like an idiot straight away.
"Well, you can put it in his office, if you want. I was headed that way, I could show you, if you wanted."
I wanted to say no. I was still hurt after what had happened last time we'd spoken. Or rather, what had happened afterwards. It was stupid to be upset over that, I know – but I could help it.
She was … she was like an addiction.
My addiction.
And I didn't have a fucking clue how to make it go away.
And even if I did, I wasn't sure that I'd be able to stay away from her. That was how much power she had over me, and I'd had a conversation with her ... God, I don't even know. Less than five times.
But I couldn't voice the words to say that I could find my way on my own – I'd nodded without even realising, and then she was making her way back down the stairs, and I was following close behind.
She led me back down the corridor where I'd been on that first day – the first time I'd seen her, and the first time I'd heard her sing. She took me past that room, further along that I'd gone myself before, until she paused outside of an unremarkable door.
It was dark wood, and a tiny golden plaque sat in the centre, reading Office of Mr. A. Hart. She pushed open the door and motioned for me to go inside. I dropped the slip onto the already cluttered desk, and then back out again.
She was watching me, and the look in her eyes was … well, a little scary. I didn't know what it meant, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to, either.
"So, Bella. I haven't seen you around for a while. Are you still ok? After … after the other week?"
"Yep." She didn't looked fazed by my short answer – in fact, it just seemed to make her more determined to get a conversation out of me. But I didn't want to get any deeper into this than I already was – I didn't know if I could handle that just yet.
It was all so new.
"Good. All your classes ok?"
"Yep."
"What's the matter? Not in a talkative mood?" She was smirking when I was brave enough to turn to face her, and God she was too beautiful to be true.
"No, I've had a bad day." Which wasn't exactly a lie – but then again, recently, every dayhad been bad.
"Oh, really? Why's that?"
"It just … has." She'd come to a standstill again, and this time she was outside that room again. She pushed the door open without asking me anything else, and walked inside. She grabbed a guitar case from the corner and unzipped it carefully.
She pulled it out of the case and then set it on one of the long tables lining two of the four walls of the room. She didn't turn around, but I knew that she knew I was watching her.
And I appreciated the view.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't, because, really – how could I not? She was … well, prefect. She had the perfect everything – hair, eyes, body proportions, legs … ass (not that I was looking. I totally wasn't, I swear), just everything.
So not fair.
I could understand how she got all the girls – I imagined that even the straightest would consider a night with Alice, just to see what it's be like.
I had considered, in the beginning, if I was the same – if it had just been Alice, out of the female persuasion, that I liked. But it wasn't. I knew that much now, and the signs were obvious.
I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it earlier.
I couldn't believe that others hadn't noticed it earlier.
And now I was beginning to question whether I was even into guys at all anymore. Or if I had ever been in the first place – I mean, my feelings for Edward had been platonic for as long as I could remember, but I was only just beginning to see that.
I didn't dwell on stuff like that for too long. It confused me too much. I figured that I didn't need to label myself anything until I started telling people, and even then it would only be because it'd be easier calling myself gay than having a long-winded explanation.
Because 'yeah I didn't realise until I came to college and met this drop dead gorgeous girl that I even had feelings for girls, and then I broke up with my boyfriend and totally don't know if I ever even loved him in the first place' just didn't sound as simple.
When she finally turned around, I was just about ready to go, and I think she could tell. But then she started walking towards me, and there was that … thing in her eyes again, and right now I was terrified of it.
I stepped back as she brushed past me, and she smirked as she did so, a challenge written on her face now.
"See you around, Bella." She whispered my name as she passed by name, and I swear, I was about two seconds from following her down that hall. Because I knew what would happen if I did.
I knew that look. I'd seen it on Edward before, and that was why I'd recognised it. Probably why it'd made me back away, too.
Because it was the I'm-horny-so-fuck-me look. And sex with Edward had never been … well, pleasant. Poor guy just didn't have a clue what to do. I was amazed, that first time, that he'd even knew where to put it.
And I'd seen it on her before. That time in the club, when she'd been looking for a cheap fuck and had stumbled upon me.
So I knew that if I followed Alice, she'd lead me to a bathroom stall or something and she'd fuck me.
But I didn't want that.
Well, I did. In fact, my body was screaming for me to take just that first step after her, and the rest would follow.
But I couldn't. I didn't just want to be another notch on Alice's bedpost. I didn't want to be just another hook-up.
Now, I know I've said it before, but if I ever, ever (no matter how small the chance may be), had a shot at being with her, it wouldn't just be for sex.
I still wasn't at the point where I'd lower myself to that, regardless of how much I cared for her. I wasn't a slut, and I never would be. That was the one promise I'd made to myself.
So if we ever had anything, it would be a relationship. And if I went after her now, I would destroy that chance. So I forced myself to turn in the opposite direction and walked away.
I was positive that she would be confused about why I hadn't gone after her. I know that I sure would be, if the roles were reversed. I'd denied her once, and I was doing it again.
I just had to hope that she wouldn't want to try harder with me, just because I was more of a challenge.
Because I didn't want that, either.
I could barely restrain myself now – God knows what I'd end up doing if she tried more. Those eyes … fuck. I wanted to drown in them, and neverresurface.
But at least for a few hours, I was safe. And I had the weekend to look forward to –I was being dragged along on a shopping trip with Rose, Emmet and Jasper.
I hated shopping, but I wanted to go for the distraction I'd have, being around other people. Plus, they were bound to be able to cheer me up.
Today had been awful, but tomorrow would be better.
***
"Oh my God! Bella, you should totally try this on!" I had never, in my entire life, seen a guy get as excited by shopping as Jasper did.
Ever.
Not even Rosalie could match him – and even though she promised me he wasn't usually as enthusiastic, I was pretty sure that he was pretty much the same.
I, on the other hand, was not amused by the display. I didn't like trying on clothes. I bought shit in my size, and if it didn't fit when I got home, then I took it back.
Simple.
You would have thought, that after the first, I don't know, ten stores, that he would have caught on. But, evidently not. Emmet looked just as uncomfortable, and Rose decided to spare the both if us just a few moments later.
"Hey, Bella, Em – why don't you go and find somewhere for us to eat? We'll meet up with you in a few." I smiled my relief, while Emmet kissed her on the cheek, before we went to go find somewhere.
I didn't have a clue where we were, so I let Emmet lead the way, telling him to go wherever had nice food. We ended up sat in a little café. We went to one of the tables that were outside of the actual building – I liked being out in the open.
Besides, I like to people-watch.
Or y'know hot-girl watch.
I didn't really care, either way.
"So, Bells. Heard from my brother lately?" Emmet's voice startled me out of my inner thoughts, and I looked over at him sharply. There was something in his voice that I didn't like, but I couldn't pin what it was.
"No."
"Right. Why?" I had to refrain from what I wanted to say, which was 'because I never want to see or hear from that motherfucking asshole ever again', and instead went for a vague answer.
"I … I just don't want to."
"Ok." I didn't know what Emmet had discovered for him to be asking me stuff about Edward again, because we hadn't said anything recently. I sighed and looked away from his curious gaze.
One of the waitresses here was … well, she was pretty fucking adorable. But, as my luck would have it, she wasn't serving us. So I had to make do with observing from a distance, which was perfectly fine by me.
"Bella …"
"Yeah?" I didn't turn away from the girl because, damn, she'd dropped something and that skirt couldn't ride up much further and … wait, was someone talking to me?
"You are totally checking that girl out!" I whipped my head around then, and Emmet was staring at me with a triumphant look in his eyes.
"I … was not!"
"Yeah you were! Oh my God, is that why you broke up with Edward? It is isn't it?!"
"God, shut up will you? Please."
"Answer the question!"
"I broke up with Edward because he was an asshole." It wasn't a lie. Wasn't the whole truth, either, but so sue me.
"But …"
"But what?"
"You were staring at her ass." He inclined his head towards the waitress, who was now walking away. I couldn't stop my eyes from following her, yet again.
"And again!"
Dammit.
"I was … admiring her clothes." Again, it technically wasn't a lie. That skirt … wait Bella. Focus. Focus.
"Like fuck you were. You don't give a shit about clothes, you just proved that. Or, maybe you were admiring how her clothes rode up when she bent over so it's like she's not wearing anything at all. Yeah, bet that's it …" he trailed off, wiggling his eyebrows at me. And I blushed, because evidently I just had to give myself away.
Fuck.
It wasn't that I was bothered about Emmet knowing, I just … it was barely something that I was accepting myself, and having other people know … I don't know.
It was just a little too weird for me.
"So not true."
"Bells, come on. It's fine, alright? Just be honest with me, please? You can tell me anything, I'd never judge you, about anything. You know that, right?"
"I …"
"Hey guys! You haven't ordered, have you?" OhthankyousweetJesus. Saved by Rosalie. Gotta love that girl.
Emmet threw me a look that said we clearly weren't done, and I sighed, before I threw myself into a conversation with Jasper. Probably with a little bit too much enthusiasm, because he shot me a worried look.
Not that I cared. I was of the hook, for now.
Later on, well …
I had a feeling that that would be a different story.
