Chapter 7

Maura had to bite her tongue to keep from calling Jane back. She let the tears fall and laid her head back to think. She heard a bang against the wall and cringed because she knew it was probably Jane's hand making contact with the wall. She knew she loved Jane but could she live with someone that was so high strung and high maintenance? She knew Jane had been hurt by love in the past and had every right to mistrust people but she thought their relationship was different. They had been through so much together and she was sure she had never given Jane any reason to doubt her love but at the first sign of anything amiss Jane takes off.

"Are you ok?" Maura turned toward the door and saw Jan. "I couldn't help but notice Jane was a bit upset when she left. Want to talk about it? Am I in trouble for letting her in?"

"No you're not in trouble." Maura tried to smile but it came out as more of grimace. "I know I love her but I can't get past the fact that she took off and didn't wait for me to explain things And didn't leave any way for me to contact her." Maura told Jan what had happened at the house and the ensuing days. "I can't believe she turned her phone off and took the week off with no explanation." She sniffled when she finished talking and Jan handed her a Kleenex. "When I needed her the most she wasn't there."

"She thinks you blame her for what happened. Do you?" Jan sat in the chair Jane had vacated and just waited for Maura. She watched as the thought about it.

"Deep down I know she's not responsible for what Ian did but I can't help but think that if she had stayed Ian would not have come back. Or if she'd left her phone on I could have talked to her to explain and she would have come back. I just want to erase the past few days"

"Well we know that's not possible so what are you going to do now? Do you love her?"

"You know I do. But is that enough?" Maura started to cry again because she didn't want to live her life without Jane. "I think we have a lot to work out before things will be right again. Can I trust her to be there in the tough situations like this?"

"Maura she's almost given her life twice to protect you. I'd almost turn for someone who loved me that much." Jan smiled at Maura.

"You're not making this any easier." She smiled at Jan.

"I've watched the two of you for years and I've never met two people who are meant to be together more than the two of you. Isn't there a happy medium? I know you hate that she takes chances and most times doesn't think before she acts but that's what makes her one of the best cops on the force." Jan sat back with a satisfied smile.

"Proud of yourself aren't you? What about her taking off?"

"She'll learn from that mistake. Has she ever lived with anyone before?" Maura shook her head. Has she ever been in a relationship this long?" Again Maura shook her head. "Have you?" Maura shook her head again. "Have you thought about how she probably felt when she saw Ian kissing you?" Another shake of the head. "She was probably scared and her fight or flight instinct kicked in and when her way of fighting, i.e. staking her claim, didn't work the flight plan kicked in."

"So what am I supposed to do? Forgive her and pretend nothing happened? I can't do that." Maura covered her face and cried.

"Give her a couple of days to think about it and realized where she went wrong and see if she makes the necessary changes to make things right. She blames herself and is kicking herself as it is but a couple of days stewing won't hurt her."

"I don't know if I can do that to her. I think we have a lot of talking to do and I need her in my life." Maura looked at Jan with sad eyes.

"I know you do but give it time. You're going to have a lot of work to get through this and I know Jane will be there for you if you let her but most of the mental recovery is going to have to be done by you for you. I have the name of a good therapist who only deals with rape cases I'll get her number for you ok? She's also been through it herself and runs a group you might want to check out."

"I'll think about it but having her number might help. I'll give her a call in a day or two. Can you give me something to help me sleep? I know I don't usually take anything but I think I need something now."

"Sure sweetie, the doctor left orders in case you asked so I get that now. I'll be right back." Jan left the room and Maura once again laid her head back and closed her eyes.

Jane entered Maura's house and sat down on the couch and cried as she looked around the house she had begun to think of as her home. "God Rizzoli you are so stupid. How could you have been so selfish to have taken off and not thought about what it would do to Maura."

"I've been wondering the same thing for the past few days."

Jane jumped off the couch and reached for the gun that wasn't there. "Geez Ma you're lucky I'm not carrying my gun or you'd be dead." Jane sat back down and buried her head in her hands.

"Why are you here Jane?" Angela sat next to her and patted her knee.

"I went home but had a bad dream so I went to the hospital to just sit with Maura. She woke up and ultimately told me she didn't want me around right now so I'm here to move my things back to my place."

"Is everything ok?" They both turned to see Constance standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Jane's moving out." Angela supplied as she headed for the kitchen.

"Why, has something happened?" Constance sat down in the chair across from the two women.

"Maura blames me for everything and she doesn't want to see me right now." Jane couldn't stop the tears.

"Did she say that?" Angela asked as she came in from the kitchen with a tray laden with food and drinks. "I can't see Maura blaming you for something that was beyond your control. Although if you had been around…" Angela let the sentence speak for itself.

"Don't you think I know that Ma? Don't you think I haven't played this over and over again in my head and know I was wrong for running away? Don't you think I know if I had been here Ian never would have come for her, or if he had I could have stopped him?" Jane was up and pacing frantically and almost screaming. "I've spent the last three days kicking myself up one side and down the other for leaving her alone. I should have been here for her. When she needed me the most I was off some beach."

"With Shannon." Angela said her name as if it was a dirty word.

"Ma nothing happened. She listened to me talk about Maura for two days. Yeah she was a beautiful woman but she couldn't hold a candle to Maura. No one can. Now I need to find a way to prove that to Maura. She's my other half, I don't feel complete without her and I don't think I ever will. What can I do?" Jane stopped and looked back and forth between the two mothers.

"Give her time. She's been through a lot over the last few days and it will take time for her to recover from this, if she ever does, but I know she will need you to help her. She loves you and you can't just turn that off."

"You didn't see her Constance. I've hurt her bad. How many more times will she forgive me? I don't know if I'd be a patient as she's been." Jane reached down and grabbed the bottle of beer her Ma placed on the coffee table and took a long swallow. "Maybe I should send flowers and balloons. Naw she said to leave her alone so I will. I'll wait until she asks for me and give her the space she wants. God I hate this! I'm so used to being there for her and now I'm on the outside looking in. Let me go pack my stuff and get out of here."

"Why don't you stay here tonight and maybe things will look different in the morning? You'll have to sleep in Maura's room because I'm in the guest room." Constance walked over and placed her hand on Jane's shoulder. "She'll come around don't worry. Just be patient." She surprised herself by walking up to Jane and kissing her on the cheek. "Good night darling. Good night Angela."

Good night Constance and thank you." Jane smiled through her tears.

"Good night Constance, I'll still have breakfast in the morning." She turned to Jane. "Go to your room and we can talk more in the morning." Jane allowed Angela to give her a hug.

"G'night Ma see ya in the morning." Jane walked down the hallway to the room she and Maura have shared for the past two months and she lay down on the bed and grabbed Maura's pillow and inhaled her scent then curled up with it and cried until she fell asleep.

She woke a few hours later and felt like someone drove over her with a Mac Truck. She stumbled to the bathroom and stripped off last night's clothes and climbed into the shower and stood under the spray and let the hot water work out the kinks in her body. She soaped up and rinsed off going through the motions without even thinking about it. She climbed out of the shower and dried off then picked up her phone and called in to work and took the day off. She walked back into the bedroom and pulled out her suitcase and threw all of her clothes into it. She walked back into the bathroom and threw all of her things into a plastic bag and threw it in on top of her clothes. She walked through the bedroom making sure she had all of her things then walked into the living room and looked around and threw her things into a box she'd found in the garage. She walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and took what was left of the six pack of beer and set it on top of the box. "That'll come in handy once I get home." She looked around the kitchen and didn't see anything else.

She went back out to the living room and sat down on the couch as she had done so many times before over the last six years and wondered if it would ever be the same again. She let the tears fall in great racking sobs and didn't hear Constance come up behind her until she placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not going to ask if you're ok because I can see that you're not. Do you want some company?" Jane motioned to the empty space beside her. "This isn't forever Jane. You two are meant to be together. I've never seen Maura as happy as she is when she's with you."

"But you didn't see her at the hospital. She doesn't trust me anymore." She looked at Constance and her heart broke at the sadness in Jane's eyes.

"Well then you'll just have to gain it back. Show her you can be there for her and that you will be there for her. She's going to need your love and support to get through this ordeal." Constance placed a hand on Jane's knee as she'd seen Angela do and was surprised when Jane didn't move away.

"What if I'm just a constant reminder and she can't get past that? I can't live without her Constance. She completes me, I don't feel whole without her. I don't know how many times I woke up last night and reached for her and felt empty when I realized she wasn't there. My eyes feel like they're almost swollen shut I've cried so much. I'm the tough one I just don't cry but this has wrung be out."

Just then the back door opened and Angela came into the living room. When she saw the suitcase and box she shook her head. "Do you really think that's necessary? You'll be moving back as soon as you make up." Angela sat down next to Jane and pulled her into a hug and when Jane didn't pull away it worried her even more. "Do you want some breakfast?"

"Naw, I'm going to take my stuff and head back to my place. If you find anything else I may have left just grab it and I'll get it from you ok? Constance thank you for listening to me this morning and I'm glad Maura will have you here. Let me know if you need anything and I will get it for you. Ma I'll see you at work and feel free to come over to my place." Once again she couldn't stop the tears from falling as she picked up the box and suitcase and headed for the door.

"Jane you don't have to do this. Maura will come around and see how much she needs you and you'll have to bring everything back again." Angela couldn't stand to see Jane falling apart like she was.

"Well then I'll pack it all up and bring it all back again. As you can see it's not very much." She held up the suitcase and box. "I travel light Ma. I guess I'll see you then." She turned to walk away.

"What about the family dinner on Sunday?"

"I guess we'll have to play it by ear and see where things are by then. I don't think Maura should be left alone right now so if that means I have to skip it then so be it. Now I have to go. Come on Jo." She watched as Jo didn't move. "What! You too? Fine stay here then maybe you can keep Maura company." She turned and almost ran out the door before she completely fell apart when she got to her car. She threw her things in the backseat and pulled out of the driveway and started driving but had to pull over because she couldn't see through her tears. She sat behind the wheel and bawled her eyes out until she felt under control and pulled out again. When she got back to her apartment she opened the door and was met by a silence that was deafening. She set the suitcase down next to the couch and placed the box on the coffee table and took one of the now lukewarm beers and swallowed more than half before she slammed it down on the coffee table. "Yuck I hate warm beer." She looked around her apartment then turned on the TV and changed the channel to ESPN then took the rest of the beer to the kitchen and put it in the refrigerator. She stood looking at the empty refrigerator. "I hate grocery shopping even more than I hate lukewarm beer. Damn is anything every gunna go my way today?" She then went back out to the living room and sat back to watch TV and promptly fell asleep.