Ronon stood outside John's door waiting for it to open. Knowing that John was in there Ronon relentlessly pressed the chime, trying to force the Colonel to open it. He wasn't sure how long he was there, but eventually his plan worked and the door slid open.
"What?" John snapped, squinting as the harsh light of the corridor penetrated his darkened room.
"We need to talk." Ronon said pushing past John, hitting the light as he did so.
"Geez, can't you take a hint?" John asked covering his eyes as Ronon looked round John's quarters concerned to see the state it was in. John's belongings were tossed round the room and there was a, suspiciously hand sized, dent in a wall. Lying on the floor and on the desk were several empty beer bottles. The Satedan turned to face John, surprised at how bad the Colonel looked.
"What?" John demanded.
"I thought you were better than this." Ronon said bluntly.
"I think the last mission proved I wasn't." John spat back as he searched his room for something to drink.
"I never saw you as a quitter. I thought you stuck by your people."
"Yeah well I'm not up to the task."
"So that's it. You're turning your back on us. Forgetting about Teyla and how desperate she is to find her people. Now the doc. Doesn't the doc deserve better?"
"Yes she does." John said spinning round. "What do you want me to say, I failed her."
"No. You are failing her." Ronon corrected. "She needs to see you and you're hiding."
"When she needed me I turned my back on her."
"No you got her out. Now you've turned your back on her." Ronon said, his voice low and angry.
"How many villages did you destroy when you were being tracked by the Wraith?" John asked. "You really telling me you don't feel responsible for the deaths you caused? Or did your time with the Wraith kill your human side? Apparently I can't ignore mine as easily as you."
Loosing his temper Ronon threw a punch, knocking John to the floor.
"You're pathetic. Keller needs you and you're hiding in here like a coward." The former runner said leaving John's quarters.
As the door shut John lay unmoving on the floor letting the guilt consume him.
-00-
As the alcohol left his system John replayed Ronon's words in his head. He knew Ronon was right, but he felt too much of a coward to see Jennifer. He lay on the floor reliving recent events knowing he could not have done differently yet the feeling of failure was overpowering. He knew he had failed to protect Jennifer and he also knew Ronon was right, Jennifer needed someone and he had turned his back on her. Failing her a second time. Clambering to his feet he stumbled to his mirror and was surprised at how bad he looked. Knowing he couldn't see Jennifer in his condition he showered and shaved and tried to make himself presentable before walking along the corridors of Atlantis towards the infirmary.
As he entered he saw Rodney and Teyla by Jennifer's bedside. Jennifer lay motionless and his two teammates sat quietly so not to disturb her. He was just about to leave when he saw Marie approach Teyla and Rodney. After a brief conversation his teammates stood, Teyla squeezed Jennifer's hand, then they both left leaving Jennifer alone.
John waited in the shadows for Teyla and Rodney to vacate the infirmary and for Marie to run her tests. When she finally disappeared John quietly approached Jennifer's bedside where the doctor lay unmoving. As he did so he immediately picked up on the fact her breathing was wrong and he knew she was feigning sleep.
"They've gone. You don't have to pretend to be asleep." John said. When Jennifer remained motionless John went on. "Okay, you don't want to talk to me either. That one I understand. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I were you either. But I'm hoping you'll listen. I know you're in a dark place right now and it feels like there's no way out, but you have people who care for you who want to help you through this. I can't ever make up for what happened to you, but I'm going to be here for you every step of the way. If you want my help it's there." He then sat in the chair next to her bed, resting his arms on the mattress and said. "As soon as you're ready to talk I'm here." Not knowing what else to say he sat silently and waited.
As time ticked by he watched Jennifer unsure of what else to do. He was aware of various nurses moving round the infirmary, each one with more sense than to try to move him.
It was Jennifer who eventually broke their separation when she stretched her arm over to John and took hold of his hand.
Squeezing her hand he told her "It'll be okay." As silent tears rolled down Jennifer's face.
-00-
"John." Sam said, unable to conceal her surprise when she saw Sheppard at Jennifer's bedside the following morning. "I've been looking for you."
"Well now you've found me." John replied.
"How is she?" Sam asked quietly, letting John's attitude slide.
"The same." John said bluntly as Sam noticed his split lip.
"What happened to your face?"
"Common sense." John said cryptically.
Knowing she wasn't going to get anything more from John Sam said. "I got a message from the SGC this morning. You and Jennifer are being recalled to Earth." When John showed no response to the news Sam continued. "Once you're there you will have to pass psych evals before you can return." Again John remained silent making Sam wonder what was happening inside his head.
A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing. Next chapter up sometime over the next couple of days.
