Chapter 7

Desolate Marigolds

~.o.~

"No sould is desolate as long as there is

a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."

- T.S. Elliot

~.o.~

September 19, 1978

Sirius couldn't sleep.

How could anyone sleep, for that matter, when your best friend just tells you that he's gay for you?

Remus' golden eyes that crinkled a bit when he smiled, sandy wind-swept hair, scars that were faint and seemed missing when you didn't know they were there, everything – they kept popping into Sirius' mind.

Sirius had tried almost everything he could to make the horrid thoughts go away. It wasn't that his best friend was horrid, but the fact that he was thinking about Remus so constantly was horrid.

Because the last time he checked, Sirius Black was not gay. Not even the slightest bit.

But he did love Remus. Just not in..that way.

Remus was his closest friend. Aside from James, anyway, but James was more than a friend, he was a brother.

There had always been something about Remus that pulled Sirius to the werewolf straight away, ever since their first year in Hogwarts. Remus' eyes had always seemed so kind and loving, and he had a fatherly atmosphere about him; but there was a certain..ruggedness to him that didn't quite fit the picture.

And so, curious, Sirius befriended him, together with James.

Remus had also always been the father figure of the group, always maintaining the order within the Marauders. Even if Remus nagged a lot, Sirius didn't mind. Remus was like a father he wished he had. Or a brother.

But why would Remus ever like him?

That's because he doesn't know, Sirius thought. He doesn't know how evil you are.

He doesn't know you took him in as a friend only because he seemed more pitiful than you did, that his presence is a reminder that there's someone else more pitiful than you are – that you're just using him to make yourself feel better.

Sirius opened his eyes, staring at his bed's canopy, his hands fisting the sheets.

So why can't I stop thinking about you? He thought. The images of this afternoon's little confession kept replaying in his mind, no matter how hard he pushed them away from his head.

As soon as he finds out you're just using him, he'll abandon you straight away, a voice in his head told him.

And it was true. Once Remus found out how Sirius wasn't the jolly, smug, cool man he was, Remus would get over his infatuation. Maybe he'd even hit it off with Hermione Granger. After all, they did seem close.

But the thought of Remus and Hermione together made Sirius cringe a bit. He couldn't imagine Remus having a life of his own, having a girlfriend and being happy. Remus had always been the good little puppy that he was, trailing behind Sirius, sitting by Sirius' side and taking care of him. He never had a girlfriend, because he was always getting Sirius and James out of trouble.

Now that Sirius thought about it, the signs were there all along! Remus had always stuck by him, no matter how annoying or infuriating he got. They had fights, but it was always Remus who apologized first. Remus always put up with everything Sirius did, and listened whenever Sirius ranted, and...

...it was there all along.

But if Remus and Hermione seriously did end up together, where would that leave Sirius? The man who had always taken care of Sirius, gotten him out of trouble, listened to him without judging (like James sometimes did) and nagged him endlessly would be gone. Would the midnight strolls as werewolf and dog end, too? Where they'd run and run, until they were both breathless, staring off into the starry skies, leaving all of the troubles of the world behind? Where they'd tackle each other playfully and try to see who's stronger than who, and the loser would have to take a dare the next day?

"Fuck," Sirius muttered, rolling over in his bed.

This is no time to go gay, Sirius, he told himself.

Besides, Remus will start to hate you as soon as he realizes the truth: you're only using him.


September 20, 1978

"Good morning," Hermione smiled at the Gryffindors before sitting herself between Lily and Remus.

"'Morning, kitten," Sirius grinned from across her.

Hermione raised a brow at him as she served herself some pancakes. "In a good mood, Black?"

"Maybe. A good enough mood to ask you out on a study date," he smiled at her.

Remus froze, his grip on his tea tightening until his knuckles turned white. He didn't know what to make of this – had Sirius not taken him seriously yesterday? Or was this Sirius's way of rejecting him?

Hermione almost dropped the fork she was holding. She had heard from Lily (who had heard from James) that Remus had confessed to Sirius yesterday. And here was Sirius, asking her out in the open?

She felt Remus beside her stiffen considerably, and she bit her lower lip to think of some way to fix this mess that Sirius seemed to be keen into getting himself into.

"Actually, you're too late; I've made plans with Remus here, y'see," she smiled innocently at the wide-eyed Sirius as she placed a comforting hand on Remus shoulder.

Sirius, surprised, managed to quickly conceal it with a joke. "Oho, so you're after our Moony, after all!"

Remus couldn't take it anymore. If Sirius planned on rejecting him, then he could at least do it straight to his face instead of making fun of him like this.

Remus was just about to speak up when Hermione squeezed his shoulder and interrupted him.

"If I happen to be, then it's none of your business," she said simply. She stood from the table, grabbed an apple, and pulled Remus with her.

"Let's go, Remus," she said.

Remus, surprised, cooperated.

They walked out of the Great Hall, Hermione dragging Remus out by his arm. They kept walking, Hermione dragging Remus along, until they reached the courtyard. She led Remus to one of the benches under a tree, and they both sat.

"Thank you," Remus muttered after a few seconds of silence.

Sighing, Hermione replied, "He can be such a git sometimes."

Shaking his head, Remus chuckled. "He wouldn't be Sirius if he wasn't."

After a few more seconds of silence, Remus mused out loud, "Should I take that as a rejection, then?"

As much as Hermione wanted Remus to be happy, what Sirius did say seemed very much like a rejection. A less direct one, but a rejection nonetheless. She weighed her options: Should she lie to Remus, or be honest?

Taking the 'real friend' route, she went for being honest: "Remus, I think -"

Not wanting to hear the sentence finished, Remus replied, "I know."

Maybe it was best this way. After all, how could Remus expect Sirius Black to return his feelings? If anything, Sirius wasn't gay. Remus was the only weird, disgusting one who was gay. He could never expect Sirius to be like that.

"Can you slap me? As hard as you can?" Remus blurted.

"W-what?" Hermione turned to him, surprised.

"Please?" he begged, his golden eyes pleading.

"What for?" Hermione asked.

"To give me a reason to cry," he mumbled, his eyes cast down onto his lap.

"Oh for Godric's sake, you're going to bawl over something like that?" a voice that was not Hermione's drawled.

"Sirius," Remus said, meeting the new arrival's ocean blue eyes.

Sirius, hands in his robe pockets, stepped towards them. "Since when have you been so sissy, Moony? Oh wait, that's right – you always have been," he bit out.

"Sirius Black, what on earth is your problem -" Hermione started to say, furious, when Remus cut her off by pushing her back gently with an arm.

Remus stood, taking a few steps towards Sirius until they were two steps apart.

"Are you rejecting me?" Remus asked, his tone calm and low. But deep inside, his heart was thundering against his chest.

Sirius looked back at Remus, into his kind, golden eyes. Full of love and care, always just for him, looking at him like he was the greatest person in the world.

He didn't deserve those eyes.

It was time to say goodbye to those eyes.

Shutting down every feeling and emotion in his mind and body, Sirius quirked his lips into a grin.

"Of course I am. You disgust me. Pathetic werewolf," he said, chuckling. He turned around, walking back into the direction of the Great Hall.

Once Sirius was gone, Hermione gingerly stood from her seat and walked towards Remus hesitantly, placing a hand on his shoulder. She felt her heart break for him. Remus was such a good, kind-hearted man. She was comforted with the knowledge that in the future, Remus would have Tonks, and be happy with her, and her son Teddy. Maybe this was the turning point in his life.

Remus, unable to move, merely watched Sirius back grow smaller and smaller into the distance. When he disappeared, Remus whispered:

"Liar."


Hermione's head was aching. After experiencing so much drama when it was just early in the morning, she headed to her first class of the day: Herbology.

As she went on her way to the Greenhouse, she thought about Remus, who told her that he would catch up after taking a quick trip back to his room. She was only supposed to be in this time stream to learn about Severus Snape, and perhaps help him and understand him a bit, but before she knew it, she got tangled into the lives of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Who would have thought that the two had such a history between them?

"Hermione?"

Hermione turned around to see James behind her, his messy black hair and glasses reminding her of Harry. Giving him a smile, she replied, "Hello, James."

James walked up to her, and the two of them set off to the Greenhouse together.

"Where's Lily?" Hermione asked.

James ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. Hermione remembered that Harry always did that when he was frustrated about something, and it seemed like James had the same habit.

"With Sirius," he sighed. "Trying to shove some sense into that bloke's mind."

Hermione shook her head. "I don't know what's gotten into Sirius-"

"He's pushing Remus away," James interrupted.

"But why? Remus really wants to help him-"

"Because he thinks that he's just using Remus."

Surprised, Hermione asked, "How so?"

Shoving his hands into his robes pockets, James explained, "Sirius thinks that he keeps Remus around as a friend together because he pities Remus, and that Remus makes Sirius feel better about his own life, because Remus's life is pretty..er..miserable, in a sense."

Hermione knew James meant the werewolf issue, in which he thought Hermione didn't know about. "So isn't he? Just using Remus, I mean," she clarified.

"Well, in my opinion, I think Sirius has liked Remus ever since he set his eyes on him."

Hermione was even more shocked at that, and she ended up speechless.

James chuckled, explaining further. "Sirius was drawn to Remus. He must have thought it was just pity or something, but really, I think it's more than that. I think Sirius really wanted and needed Remus's kindness and good heart. It's just that Sirius doesn't recognize it as love. He thinks that when he looks at Remus, he feels better because Remus is much miserable than he is. But in reality, he looks at Remus and feels better because Remus gives him the love and care that Sirius had been looking for for a very long time. Sirius just doesn't know it because he's never really felt love before. His family aren't exactly good wizards.." he trailed off.

Hermione blinked. "Wow, James."

James shook his head, laughing. "Always the tone of surprise."

"But really, wow. That's a really good observation."

"Again, always the tone of surprise. Hey, I'm the smartest among the Marauders," James chuckled.

Hermione giggled. "So what do we do, then? Shouldn't we tell Sirius or Remus about this? I think you're actually correct."

"'Actually'?" James gasped, feigning hurt. "O why do you undermine me so?"

"Alright already, I'm sorry," Hermione laughed.

James waved a hand, as if saying 'just kidding.' "Well, I think the best course of action is to simply let them figure it out on their own. If it's their fate to be together, they'll work it out."

Hermioen couldn't help but be a little sad about that. After all, she knew Remus would end up marrying Tonks, and Sirius would end up...dead. Killed by Bellatrix.

But if she could change that...

"James?"

"Mhm?"

"Do you think Sirius loves Remus as much as Remus loves Sirius?"

"I think they both need to get a room from all the sexual tension in the air whenever I'm with them."

Hermione smacked him in the arm.

"Ow! What is it with women and violence and hitting my arm!"

"Don't corrupt my innocent mind!" Hermione teased.

"Alright! Alright! I apologize!" James laughed.

They were near Greenhouse number 5 and walked along the flower patch on the way there. Seeing a particular flower that caught her eye, Hermione bent down to watch it sway with the wind, amongst the other flowers.

"What flower is that?" James asked.

"It's a Marigold," she replied.

It was a lone yellow-orange flower amongst other varieties or roses and lilies.

"How can a single flower like that be in the center or roses and lilies?" James wondered aloud.

"People who are in pain and are grieving like to hide themselves around cheerful people to pretend to be happy," Hermione said matter-of-factly, as if that explained everything.

"I'm afraid I don't see the connection. You'd have to indulge me, oh-bright-witch," James teased.

Hermione chuckled, nudging him with her arm. "Marigolds mean 'pain and grief' in the language of flowers," she explained.

James was quiet for a few seconds.

"You know, it reminds me a lot of Padfoot."

Hermione nodded, but she had someone else in mind.

It reminds me of a certain man, too...


Severus was just about to tell Crookshanks off for napping by his leg when the door to his supposedly "secret" room opened. He didn't even have to look to know who it was.

"For how much longer do you intend to keep intruding my personal space?" he drawled without looking up from his book.

He was so sure that it was, once again, Hermione Granger. She had been coming every single lunch time ever since her arrival, always bringing him food and hanging around until the break was over. She never really talked or disturbed his much wanted peace. She usually just brought in some book with her and sat to read.

"For as long as I want to. Last time I checked, this room isn't your property," she said nonchalantly, placing a tray of food on the table.

Severus eyed the tray with contempt. "Stop bringing me food. It's unnecessary; you will never find me taking a single bite from it," he said, flipping to another page of his book.

"I know you've never eaten anything I brought you, I'm the one who brings the trays out every evening just so that this room won't end up smelling like rotten food," she said matter-of-factly as Severus watched her from the corner of his eye. She pulled out one of the chairs by the table, and sat down facing his direction. She flipped open an incredibly thick book, and started reading.

Severus wasn't surprised. He had already guessed that she was the one taking the trays of food out of the room. He never touched what she gave him, and he always left the room with the food still there. He never did come to the room during the evenings, because evenings were his potions brewing time.

"Then stop bringing them in. It's a waste of food to leave them to spoil," he said.

She merely flipped a page. "It wouldn't be a waste if you would just eat it."

"Do you always have to have your way in everything?" he said, gritting his teeth. She was really starting to get on his nerves.

"I could say the same to you," she shrugged, looking unaffected by him.

Having had the final straw, Severus stood from his spot by the window and stomped towards her, his hand slamming the table.

She didn't even jump or bat an eye. She just kept reading.

And that just irritated him even more. She was supposed to cringe, or be scared, or shriek, or whatever. He was supposed to be menancing, scary, and repulsive. She should have acted like everyone else did.

"Do not assume that my reasons for refusing food are petty; I have my own reasons, reasons that you could never dream of, and so I suggest you stop forcing food down my throat. Or, better yet, stop coming here at all," he hissed at her.

She looked up from her book then, and stared at him. Her chocolate doe eyes were full of so mcuh warmth, that Severus couldn't take it anymore and looked away.

"You're right. I could never dream of knowing what goes on in that mind of yours. But I'm pretty sure those bottles over there could pretty much tell me," she said calmly, propping her chin up on her palm as she tilted her head at the direction of the blue vials by the bookshelf.

Severus felt his blood run dry. "Don't. You. Dare-"

"I know what those are," she interrupted. "And I've been in this room every single noon and evening. And yet, I have never touched any of them. Why? Because I respect your privacy, Severus. I know that there are certain..things..in your life that must be..hard..for you. I want to...help you. But I want you to tell me on your own accord. I promise to never invade your privacy, but all I ask is to let me help you. Because I do want to. I want to help you," she said, her hands reaching for his that slammed the table.

Severus was beyond taken aback. He was all sorts of confused, but surprisingly, he wasn't angry. She sounded and looked so honest, so sincere. Her eyes and hands were full of warmth and love, that he wanted to draw in closer and..

No.

He couldn't. He just couldn't make the same mistake all over again. He didn't want to trust anyone but himself, didn't need anyone's help. He was fine on his own. It was better this way: to be alone. He would be stronger that way, anyway, if he just relied on himself. Relying on others, the big mistake he had done years ago, would just cause him another disappointment.

And he didn't want to admit it, but he was scared. So, so scared. Scared of this girl right in front of him that could evoke all sorts of emotions from him. Scared of how in just a few days, she seemed to be able to read him like an open book. Scared of how in a twisted way he didn't know or why, he was drawn to her, to those warm and honest eyes..

Jerking his hand from hers, he turned away from her. With his back to her, he spoke the words he knew, deep down, he didn't want to say at all – but it had to be done. Before it was too late, it had to be done.

"I never want to see you here, or near me, ever again," he said.

He strained his ears for signs of her leaving the room, or perhaps her crying, or anything at all that would indicate that she'd left. He didn't understand why she even wanted to help him, but this was the first time. The first time anyone has ever wanted to help him. He wanted to be helped so many years ago. He wanted someone to bring him out of the darkness that held him captive.

But no one came.

And now, now when he was already too deep in his own sin, too deep to turn away, someone comes? When darkness had already embraced him like a friend, when the mark of the most hated man – no, devil – was already burning on his arm for eternity, someone comes to help him?

Darkness was already a part of him. It was his friend, now. It had kept him from insanity, and he was afraid that once he let go of it, it would start to turn him crazy. And even if – if – he happened to want to let it go, he didn't think he would be able to.

No. It was more like he can't. The mark on his arm was for life. It could never be erased, and the bond could never be cut.

He was, and had been for a long time, a prisoner.

And no one could do anything about that.

"Severus," a voice called. It was warm. That was the best description for it. Warm like a blanket, like the summer wind and the rays of the sun. Warm like the love he had never experienced, warm like the warmth he had always longed for but have long since given up on having.

And it was right there.

But he couldn't.

He had lost that right to have any kind of warmth years ago. He knew that. And that was why he knew he deserved Lily's rejection, deserved to have no food in his body, deserved the hateful mark on his arm.

He deserved it all.

Severus' eyes snapped open, unknowing that he had shut them close. The warmth surrounding him had snapped him away from his thoughts, jolting him from the bad memories that were threatening to enter his mind once again.

Hermione Granger's arms were around him, her head on his back.

She had hugged him.

Hugged him, when not even his own parents who've given birth to him did.

"Severus, you're not alone," her voice cracked. "You don't have to punish yourself. You don't have to let whatever it is inside you eat you up. I want to help you," she whispered.

Severus could her sniffling, and knew she was crying.

For once in his life, someone actually cried for him.

Before he could stop himself, his heart opened up unwillingly, and he uttered:

"I killed my own sister."


A/N: IT'S BEEN SO LONG!

Darn, I miss you guys. Your reviews have always been a great encouragment for me. Well, if any of you noticed, I was actually supposed to be not continuing any of my stories anymore, but I decided otherwise. Because really, writing helps in so many ways.

So yes. Life's been a big bucket of tears and kicks and lately. So thus the pretty emo update. Sorry 'bout that. But hey, at least the plot twists are coming.

Show me some love and tell me what you think!

Oh, and P.S. Changed the rating, due to the Sirius/Remus and the swearing.