GLaDOS's Story: Part A
Chapter Seven


The elevator stopped, and we started up the staircase into the test chamber as Mr. Johnson got onto his bullhorn.

"All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way; it keeps out the rats." He started flipping through a small notebook. "Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test; that's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years; so if you're 30 or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario: you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta. Plus, you forwarded the cause of science by 3 centuries!" He put the notepad back in his pocket. "I punch those numbers into my calculator, and it makes a happy face."

I laughed with several of the testers. "Oh, Mr. Johnson!"

As soon as we recovered from the laughter, the testers made their way inside the chamber. Before I could follow them inside, Mr. Johnson intercepted me from going in after them.

"Uh, Caroline, I'd like to talk to you privately if I could."

I hesitated, but only for a second. "Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson."

He escorted me through a gate to a catwalk leading toward the second chamber in the Sphere. Once we were in the observation room overlooking said chamber, he locked the door behind him with us two being the only people inside.

"So, what did you want to talk about, sir?"

He sat down at the desk while I stood by the audio tape player. "Caroline, I couldn't help but notice that you had been talking the test subjects through how to solve the tests." His tone seemed to border on disapproval.

"Is that a problem, sir?"

"You said it, not me. I'm just concerned that by talking the test subjects through the tests, we might not be getting results from the tests we're doing."

"Oh?"

"I trust you're familiar with the three pillars of Aperture Science, Caroline?"

"Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson."

"So, what are they?"

I gave a heavy sigh. "'Science without results is just witchcraft.'"

"That's one."

"'Get results or you're fired.'"

"'That's two.'"

"'If you suspect a coworker of being a witch, report him immediately.'" He waved his hand in a circle, indicating he wanted the last part. "'I cannot stress that enough; witchcraft will not be tolerated.'"

"There you go."

"I'm pretty sure we're still getting results even if the testers are being aided. After all, we're testing out the Repulsion Gel and the Aperture Science Portable Quantum Tunneling Device, not creating confusing test environments."

"You know, Caroline, if we're ever going to beat Black Mesa at their own game, we can't play by their own dull rules; otherwise, we'll be just as stupid as them or even more so."

"Well, if you had listened to what I had suggested when this place was built, and designed these tests to start out simple and then get progressively complex, I wouldn't need to shepherd the testers through the tests."

"I doubt we'd have that kind of space when you look at all the other experiments that are done here."

"Maybe if I were in charge, you'd see the sense in my way of logic."

The discussion was interrupted by the sound of a door being pounded in the distance.

"See, Caroline? They don't need to be talked through the tests, do they?"

"Well, they needed to take their first step, and the test track design doesn't really allow for that without an aide." I opened the door to leave, and Mr. Johnson followed me.

As we reached the catwalk overlooking the second chamber, we could see that the Device wielder had tunneled up to a pillar close by the chamber. Mr. Johnson seemed enthused as the tester then shot a tunnel end into the chamber and entered it that way.

He was quick to turn the bullhorn on him. "HA! I like your style! You make up your own rules, just like me." The tester opened the door to allow the remaining testers inside. "The bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway; ramps are expensive."

Mr. Johnson and I walked down to the entrance door and shut it behind the testers, leaving them to find their way out of the chamber. As we arrived at the exit to wait for the testers, I noticed something concerning.

"Mr. Johnson, don't you think the testers will be in for a hard landing when they reach the exit?"

"Hmm... yeah, that might be a problem."

"There's nothing here that can break their fling when they get here."

"Yeah. Well, I'm sure one of us will think of something."

"Hopefully soon; we don't know just how long it will take them to figure out how to solve this and put the solution into action."

"And we'll have less time to ponder if we keep talking. So, let's start brainstorming."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson."

As we started pondering on a solution, a small group of scientists entered the Enrichment Sphere through the exit.

Mr. Johnson was quick to address them. "Hey, what's happening?"

"Ah, there you are, sir. We're here to talk about the results we've collected from some tests we did on the fluorescent calcium."

"Okay, what have you got? Lay it on me."

"When the calcium is in the bloodstream, it remains in a state of small crystals. But certain brain impulses can briefly melt the crystals together, and when they re-harden, they can vitrify the affected part of the brain, particularly the frontal lobe. We brought this to the attention of one tester, and he almost instantly became paralyzed and collapsed dead on the floor. It turns out that visualizing calcium vitrifying the frontal lobe under stress will cause that exact scenario to happen."

"Okay, good to know. I'll keep that in mind. Now, if you guys could just be sure to-"

He didn't get the chance to finish, as the testers came flying in and landed in the crowd of scientists.

All of the testers survived without injury, as did the Aperture Science Portable Quantum Tunneling Device. But the scientists were severely injured by the sudden influx of people landing on them. Mr. Johnson decided to call in a squad of medics to take them to the medical wing, while the testers were escorted to the elevator.

Mr. Johnson and I followed after all the testers were on the elevator, during which Mr. Johnson got on the bullhorn. "Just a heads-up: that coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. (I'm serious; visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.)"

Everyone appeared too distracted with one another to have heard what Mr. Johnson said. We got into the elevator and started for the next Sphere.