Oh, my gosh. Guys, I am very sorry for abandoning this story so abruptly for two whole years. My life went upside down, we've been moving from one town to another and upon getting settled and struggling with some personal crisis, I COMPLETELY forgot about this story. I only got reminded about it some days ago as a notification of a received review and add to favourite story/author fluttered into the inbox of my e-mail address *scratches head* Again, I am sorry and I thank you guys deeply for reminding me about this!
Of course, my English has improved some during the time span I've been away and I'm now a person who's grown quite a lot in those past two years. Still, of course, I'll be doing my best to keep the writing style I used even though I hope you will now be pleased with alotta less grammar and spelling mistakes *laughs*
I could now apologize back and forth but instead, I'll only ask you to accept one sincere apology and a deep bow for the horrible, horrible, long delay. I'm back in life firmly now and I'm impossibly lucky and happy to be. Furthermore, I can promise you I'll lead this story to an end but I'll ask you to be patient with me in advance since school and work tend to eat away at me sometimes. Nevertheless I will try to provide regular updates! *nods*
I wonder if someone even still remembers this o.O" Regardless, here goes the next chapter and I will hope you'll enjoy reading!
Chapter 6
"Forgive Me"
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
"Nghn..." A reluctant groan could be heard while Kai, fully dressed, effortlessly continued in his intention to wake Tala. He shook the redhead again by the shoulders, but the other only reacted by pulling the covers over his head.
"Tala, goddamn it! Wake up!" The Phoenix demanded, obviously annoyed, and shook the older boy even less gently.
"Leave me be..." Was the insipid mumbling in response. Tala was still tired although thanks to the relaxing sleep his body didn't hurt as much anymore. It had been the first time in months that he had been able to sleep in and rest properly. And if you asked him he would prefer to stay in bed for some more hours but there was this unnerving hand that just kept shaking him, attempting to rouse him in pair with a well-known voice which sounded fairly pissed.
"I swear..." Kai swallowed the rest of the sentence and, with an exasperate sigh, let the Wolf be. For a while he just stood there, looking down at his friend, uncertain what to do next. Tala's facial expression grew peaceful and calm again, and Kai found that he was feeling... weird looking at his sleeping friend right now. He shook his head briefly but he couldn't avert his eyes from the other's face. Something strange was happening with him and he could neither name nor understand it. It was simply... there. It was there and foisted this funny emotion on him which made him feel plain... weird.
What the hell? What's the matter with me? I've seen him sleeping hundredths of times before. God knows there's nothing special about that. But why am I feeling this strange? What is this? I... don't know. I have a weird feeling... maybe I shouldn't wake him... Somehow I'm afraid of what will happen. Will he leave again, and go back? Back to Voltaire? I don't know how to handle him. Should I speak up about it myself? Or has he himself not decided yet? What do I want him to do? Do I want him to stay? Strangely enough... yes, I do. I want him to stay. But... Damn it why am I so insecure? I'm usually never this... this... this irresolute and most of all, fearful. This can't be right. Why am I not myself when it comes to Tala? What is this? I mean I've never... I've never been so very... confused? Anxious? Tensed? I can't put a finger on this feeling. It's something else. Tala, he... He's staring at me right now... Huh? WHAT?
Kai's eyes widened when he became aware of an ice-blue pair looking back at him with interest. He had spaced out so much he hadn't even noticed that Tala had opened his eyes.
"Crap!" It escaped him and he clasped a hand over his mouth, appalled.
"Well, good morning to you, too." Tala huffed, his eyes sparkling with amusement, a slight grin on his lips.
"I... uhm... Er..." Totally taken aback by the whole situation Kai couldn't bring himself up to actually construct a coherent sentence, his dazed mind searching feverishly for the right phrase to put forth but couldn't find anything, much to Kai's sorrow.
"Go on, pronounce yourself." Tala added his two cents to make it even worse and sat up in the bed, the wittily narrowed eyes still locked with crimson counterparts. He wondered what Kai had been thinking so hard about that his awakening had thrown him off this much. The younger teen looked simply too cute with that distracted face and the faint blush around the bridge of his nose, stuttering on top of that.
"Sorry." Kai finally said and turned away.
Trying to pacify his pounding heart, his right hand was desperately fiddling with the hem of his shirt while he attempted to ban that annoying heat from his body and most importantly, from his face. Come on, get a grip on yourself. What's the matter with you today, damn it! Why is he flustering you so much? It's just Tala... your old pal Tala, so what's with the drama all of a sudden? Curses... His encouraging monologue didn't seem to work quite that well, just like his from so many unbeknown emotions confused brain.
Therefore he flinched noticeably, once again startled out of his deep musing as a pair of hands were softly laid onto his shoulders, Tala's voice resounding somewhere near his right ear.
"Everything okay with you?" Warm breath stroke his cheek and made him shudder. Ugh... too close... he's too close...
Tala, totally oblivious to the distress of the other, placed his chin onto his friend's shoulder and gazed sideways into ruby eyes which were rigidly staring forward. He couldn't really understand what was up with the Phoenix today. He seemed to be so uptight and somehow not himself. Maybe he was ill or something? Ice-hued orbs were now looking worriedly at the tensed face of the younger Blader.
"I'm... fine." Kai glanced sideward at the other and once again an involuntary blush grazed his cheekbones. He was unable to help it, his body seemed to be tired of waiting for an reaction from his hazed mind and simply acted on its own. Very much to Kai's discontentment.
"Sure?" Tala eyed him sceptically, and slowly Kai's skin starting to burn under the hands of the other. At least it felt like that.
"Y-yeah... I am." He managed to articulate a sentence of reassurance nonetheless and for some wondrous reason he succeeded to produce somewhat of a convincing smile, too.
"Okay, then." This said Tala let go of the younger boy and ruffled up his hair before disappearing into the bathroom.
When the door closed behind the Wolf, Kai let himself plop down onto the bed, bushed. His feelings were like ingredients which were mingled together in a big pot and resulted in nothing but some hotchpotch. Tala's prominent scent of snow and ice was still clinging to the pillow and Kai dumbly noted that he liked it. Honestly, Hiwatari, you are SO off the roll today... Closing his eyes, he attempted to calm himself. After some time he picked up the phone to order the breakfast up to the room. He was sure Tala was not in the least in the mood to have breakfast with his team mates. It was an undeniable fact that Tala didn't like any of them and Kai himself didn't feel like putting up with all the questions they surely were going to ask. He could deal with that later. At the moment, Tala was more important. He needed to know what the other was planning on doing now.
Meanwhile Tala stood under the shower, letting the warm water cascade down onto his stately, well-build form. Really, Kai is rather weird today... Does he feel uncomfortable with me here? That's the impression I get... Or is he simply anxious because he doesn't know what I'm going to do now? That made sense, at least. Tala himself was anxious because he still couldn't settle on what he should do next. He had been shoving the decision off long enough already, he knew he had to make one eventually. Immediately, an uneasy feeling spread inside him. He didn't want to think about it but he knew he had to. Even though it likely didn't bother Voltaire much, eventually he would start wondering where Tala was staying at for so long and then he would search for him. And he will find me. And finding me, he will find Kai, too. No. I cannot stay here. Or else I cannot spare Kai a much undesired meeting with his grandfather.
Hm. He hadn't thought this decision would be quite this easy. He couldn't stay here with Kai. It was not possible. Even though he wanted to, it was only if he went back that he could protect the young Phoenix. He would make sure his grandfather would leave him alone. He did beat Tyson after all, so there was nothing that was standing in the way of them going back to Russia. The 18-year-old shivered at the thought about the Abbey but it didn't matter how he felt. The most important thing was that Kai would be staying safe here in Tokyo with his friends. Safe from his grandfather and his past. A sad smile curled Tala's lips as he stepped out of the shower and got dressed. It looked like their paths were separating once again. Maybe forever.
Exiting the bathroom he discovered that breakfast had been brought into the room, now standing on the small table near the sofa.
"Well, that's what I call service." Tala grinned and sat down onto the couch, watching Kai who was sitting in the chair opposite him.
"Are you complaining?" He questioned to which the older teen just shrugged his shoulders.
"Nope. I'm just not used to this sort of things."
Kai kept silent, still looking at him. The little statement had reminded him of the Abbey instantaneously. It was true, not such a long time ago Kai wasn't used to this sort of things, either. He knew nothing had probably been farther from Tala's mind than to suppress the mood with his statement, but such was nonetheless the effect of it.
He brought a glass with juice up to his lips, watching the other the whole time through as they wordlessly commenced eating. Strangely enough, he found himself kind of mesmerized as he observed him, taking every finely sculptured contour of that face into memory. Tala had matured. His once soft features were more calloused now, sharper, his eyes always wearing a glint of sangfroid in them. Even when he smiled or grinned those ice-blue soul-mirrors didn't lose their seriousness, the hint of veteran composure. All of the dire straits he had experienced had left a mark on him.
Kai remembered the first time he had met Tala; those large crystal-clear eyes glistening with innocence, the slightly chubby cheeks, the short red strands hanging wildly in his face. He'd been a real picture-perfect Chibi, the kind to elicit adults to be in raptures of his loveliness. Now those eyes had hardened, the innocence and lenient light had drained away from them completely, his hair in a neat style with two meddlesome strands falling in a frame around his handsome face. His body, too, had matured. He'd grown tall, definitely nicely proportioned and also nicely muscled yet far away from being burly or brawny, rather lissom and slender suggesting of possessing both power and agility. Yes, he'd undeniably grown into a very good-looking boy and likely, he'd come to be an even more striking man.
"Somehow I get the funky feeling that you'd rather eat me up than your breakfast." Tala said sceptically and Kai chocked on his drink. Ice-coloured orbs looked at him in amusement, wearing a flicker of confusion in them at the same time.
The older teen of course hadn't missed Kai's absentminded staring, wondering once again what the Phoenix was thinking so hard about while looking at him in such an... attentive way. Mentioned person was currently knocking at the own chest, coughing violently and Tala couldn't quite tell if the red tint in those cheeks was because of embarrassment or due to abrupt air lack.
"Are you okay?" He asked worriedly and the younger Blader nodded, recomposing again.
"Honestly, Kai, you are really... weird today." Tala's eyes met the currently inscrutable pools of fiery red, trying but failing to read any emotions in them despite his keen senses usually being apt in detecting things about others.
"What are you going to do now?" Kai fluently ignored the other's comment and finally posed the question that had bothered him for so long. He needed an answer and he found himself hoping that it would be a positive one although he wasn't exactly certain what positive meant in this case.
Tala sighed. Well, I knew it would come eventually. Looks like there is no way around it. You gotta do what you gotta do, huh?
Kai's body tensed involuntary as he watched Tala's earnest and somewhat sad expression. His heart started to pace in anticipation, intuiting that the answer would not be the one he hoped for.
"I will go back. Now that I've beaten Tyson, nothing stands in the way of us returning to Russia." Tala spoke steadily and tranquilly, as if wanting to make his decision clear to himself as well.
"You can't be serious." Kai stated quietly. Tala's words put him into a mood which you could call the calm before the storm. He was feeling strangely unruffled although he was gripping his glass so hard it might as well have shattered if he'd squeezed another bit harder. He was shaking inwardly when the disbelief, mixed with despair and anger, started to effervesce. He never knew a human could feel this way without going completely crazy.
"I'm dead serious, Kai. It is the only way I can protect you-" The young Wolf flinched as Kai forcefully slammed his glass down onto the table, the fluid inside swapping over the edge and forming a small puddle on the table top.
His ice-blue orbs met Kai's crimson eyes which flared with incensed fire. "Don't you dare, Tala. You hear me?" The words were gritted out between clenched teeth and Tala looked at the seventeen-year-old, perplexed.
"Don't you dare to use the excuse of trying to protect me. Damn it, Tala, stop freaking playing martyr! Why do you always feel the need of having to mother me?" Speaking calmly was gradually becoming a more and more difficult task for Kai to accomplish, and it showed clearly in the rising, shaky timbre of his voice.
"Kai..." Tala tried to pacify his friend. "...what do you expect from me? I know Voltaire won't leave you alone if I don't come back. He hasn't given you up yet and this will only be a reason for him to start stalking you everywhere. And who knows what comes into that sick head of his..."
"Enough!" Kai leaped up, smacking both his hands palm down onto the table top. How he hated this. How he hated his grandfather messing with everything he did and had. How he hated Tala's stupid protective instinct. His heart was beating hard in irritation and helplessness. He didn't understand why it always had to be him who had to fight and to suffer just to keep what few good things he had in this life.
"I don't want to hear that! Do you understand? I don't want to hear it!" He lowered his head, his hands clenching into fists atop the table. The powerlessness and the despair were crushing him in a way that made him want little else than screaming his very soul out so that it would stop hurting.
"Kai, please... calm down." Tala rose up his seat as well, not knowing how he should approach the younger teen. He had never seen Kai this emotional. Damn it, he only wanted to protect him. Why then, did he have the feeling that he was just torturing him instead?
"I don't want to calm down! You say you want to protect me... and how am I suppose to live with that, huh? Knowing you're back in that hell just because of me? For my sake? How should I feel about it, tell me that!" His head snapped up, ruby eyes glaring at Tala through the blur of upset, blended in with rage and desperation.
"What are you expecting from me?" The redhead exploded on his part, irately reiterating his previous question. Why did Kai always have to be so difficult? Didn't that blockhead understand how hard this all was for Tala, too?
"Honestly, Kai, what are you expecting from me?" He repeated crossly. "Should I stay here, with you and your kindergarten? And then what? Voltaire's gonna look for me and he will find me and from the moment he does, you won't have a peaceful minute anymore either. Should I then live with the fact of having ruined your life?" He inhaled sharply, his iceblue eyes staring unswervingly into those wide open crimson depths.
"Kai, it is so very simple. I will leave, and you, you can continue living your life just like you did before. All you have to do is to forget. You can be happy here, Kai. You have a good team, friends, people who love and respect you. If you want to let go of your past, for real and for good, you have to let go of me as well. Please. Don't demolish your life, not now when you finally have it. Not because of me." Tala carried on quietly, and his voice almost cracked seeing the hurt, disbelieving expression of anguish settle gradually into Kai's eyes. He saw it, saw how he was hurting his friend and deep down inside he regretted it, but it was for the better. It was, wasn't it? It was for the better like this.
Kai's world stopped turning for a moment. All the emotions were suddenly washed out, leaving him a hollow casing as he stared into those sapphire pools, stared and stared and stared and couldn't understand. Couldn't understand what was happening right now. Couldn't and didn't want to understand what Tala was saying. But those words were mercilessly gorging their way into his consciousness, banishing all thoughts. A wave of hot, acerbic pain almost caused him to wince. His chest seemed to be pressured together by metal tongs, barely a breath could escape it. He couldn't believe, didn't want to believe, refused to believe what he was hearing. After all that's been conveyed yesterday... how could he...
"Don't... Why? Why are you saying that, Tala?" He whispered, unable to raise his inflection any higher.
Tala cringed inwardly, hearing that smothered voice. Kai's eyes looked at him, unguarded and vulnerable, absolute helplessness in them. As if they were pleading for him to take the said words back, to tell him that it all was just a lie. His hands flinched with the involuntary impulse to form fists, feeling as though his soul was being ripped in two. One half was telling him it had to be like this, but the other half screamed to him he should wake up and take everything back. He stared blankly at the broken-hearted expression of the Phoenix across, seeing tears welling up in those crimson orbs, threatening to spill over. He bit his lip, hard and quick, tasting a metallic flavour in his mouth. Really, why? Why had he said that? Had it really been necessary?
"We're gonna find a way... We always did... together... didn't we, Tala? We've always found a way, haven't we?" Pleading, the voice of the younger teen wavered like one of a small child who couldn't understand why painful things were happening around him.
Tala was silent, his gaze now transfixed on his meanwhile clenched hands. He was grappling with himself. A few minutes ago he had been so sure about his decision. He had imagined the decision to leave and never look back again to be so easy. So easy to tell Kai, and just go. But the further he went the harder it was to accept his own choice. He looked up and crossed those pain-filled crimson eyes, feeling his own beginning to sting. This couldn't be right. If his decision was so good then why did it hurt so much? If it was so right, so justified, so easy...
Halt. Easy. It was easy. Too easy. To go, justifying it with the fact of doing it to protect Kai, was oh so easy. Without regard of the other's feelings, without regard of his own feelings he'd just picked the easiest path to walk. Forget each other and go separate ways. He gave them up this quick. Involuntary he lowered his head in shameful realization. The whole time he was blaming Kai of running away, of leaving him hanging, of abandoning him just like that... Only yesterday, he had accused the Phoenix of having given up their friendship... yet he himself? Wasn't it exactly what he was doing right now? Was he not giving up ten years of sorrow and joy shared together, those years that so firmly connected them? He himself wanted to destroy this bond between them for good, relentlessly; in disguise of the excuse he was doing it to protect... This was oh so easy. Giving up was always easy...
"Tala...?" Kai's quiet calling made him lift his head. The young Phoenix was visibly struggling, shaken up, and Tala became aware of the fact that within two simple days, he already accomplished it twice to make Kai want to cry. Simply because his mouth wasn't good for anything else than spilling impetuous fooleries. Simply because he was too asinine to stick to what he felt and stop persistently searching for excuses. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to go back. He wanted to stay here. With Kai. By his side.
The shorter Blader gasped in surprise when Tala came rushing up to him and caught him in a bone-crushing embrace. The oxygen got stuck in his lungs and he thought he heard his backbone breaking.
"T-Tala... What..." He breathed out, not able to move even an inch.
"I'm sorry, Kai. I... I almost gave up. More so, I hurt you over and over again with everything I did and said... You're right... We'll find a way, we always have. Forgive me, I'm such an idiot..." Tala buried his nose in those soft, dual-coloured hair, pressing Kai closer, stunned himself over how stupid he had been. To give all of this up just like that... To give Kai up just like that... No, that stood out of question. He only hoped whole-heartedly that the Phoenix could forgive him.
Kai laughed out softly, out of all disbelief and joice. Never in his life had he been so relieved. His eyes dried before a tear could have left them. He could barely sum that feeling up into decent words, the feeling that lifted the black curtain off his soul and gave him security and gratification. That unbelievable alleviation let him forget the pain and fixed the damage Tala's words had inflicted.
"You're an idiot for sure..." He accredited quietly, smiling. "And now stop squashing me before you choke me..." He added, trying to gasp in some more air. He had never thought one could embrace a person this tightly...
A relieved inhale could be heard from Kai as Tala loosened up his steely grip, however he didn't let go of the younger boy completely. Their gazes locked and suddenly, time froze. All sounds and objects, the entire surroundings abruptly stopped existing and they found themselves hypnotized by the eyes of each the other. Kai gazed into ice-blue sapphires which shone with a tranquillity he'd never seen before, while Tala stared into blood-red rubies which were shimmering beautifully and secretively despite the mild confusion in them.
Kai's heart hitched when Tala's face inched closer and warm breath ghosted over his lips. His body refused to do anything against it, on the contrary his eyes slid semi-shut, shivers hot and cold scattering down his back. Very vividly, he could perceive the heat emanating from the other's lips with the surface of his very own. Tala leaned in, mere inches separating him from that appealing pair, feeling the light tremble that ran through the lithe figure in his hold. Neither was really aware of what they were doing, their bodies acting on their own accord since both their minds had shut down, leaving the lead up to the instincts. With his heartbeat echoing fiercely in his ears Tala tilted his head just another tiny bit, aiming to ultimately close all distance between them...
Only to let the knocking on the door, bursting into the space with a rattle, drive them apart again, deep red flaming up on both pairs of cheeks. Both of them were breathing unsteadily as they dared looking at each other, comprehending simultaneously what had almost happened and averting the eyes from one another abruptly, the treacherous red deepening a shade or two.
"Kai? Hey, Kai! Are you there?" Tyson's voice resounded from behind the door.
Neither of the two boys knew if they should now thank or curse the blue-haired teen for disturbing exactly in this one moment. The concoction of different feelings lay itself heavily onto their hearts, and most of those feelings were entirely unknown and confusing.
"You should open up..." Tala said quietly, devotionally transfixing his gaze on the jug of juice, completely overwhelmed by the occurrences beforehand and the havoc of emotions within.
"Hmmm..." Kai murmured in reply, approaching the door on wobbly legs, everything inside him still quivering in agitated excitement. He wondered what Tyson might want. I hope for him it's something damn important... Nearly blushing again at the uncontrolled thought. What the hell was happening with him...?
*chuckles* I have been trying to keep the writing style I used before, like said, since obviously a lot of people liked it. I do hope I also could fulfil my promise considering grammar and spelling XD
Reviews, of course, had been the motivation for me to pick this story up again and certainly, they will never stop being a motivation for me to continue writing. So, if you read and enjoyed, drop me a line - you'd make me one happy bunny with it and give me some courage to proceed with this. I've been overly nervous posting this and I would like to keep this story going up until its end.
Well then! Let's see how all this will work out *laughs*
Until next chapter!
Kate
