The Big Mistake
I saw that she had placed a chair on the porch as promised and I sank down into it, too tired to go any further.
She went inside and got a pillow and pulled the out the crate she had found to put it on. I pulled my foot up on
it wearily and sank back in the chair. She brought one of the other chairs back out and sat down beside me.
We sat in silence for a while and then I broke it with a question. "My relationship with my girls bothers you doesn't
it?" May I ask why?" She sighed and looked away saying "It just seems like such a shallow relationship for all of you.
You deserve better, and so do they." I suppose she was right, but I wasn't ready to admit that so asked another
question. "Don't you deserve better than Dean? He treats you nearly as bad as he does me and I know what he
asked of you when you were trying to get things for me. It was written all over your face, but I didn't want to say
anything. This Dean will never be that man for you. He is as broken as I am." Neither of us said anything else. It
was clear that each of us in our own way was broken…it was a stalemate.
I contemplated my plight in the silence, thinking back to a time when the broken bones in my foot would have
healed immediately. It seemed like someone else's life now. My shoulders twitched as I tried to recall taking flight,
but I only seemed to be able to do that in my dreams now. I was truly "grounded", unable to do much of anything.
I couldn't even help on missions as a driver since it was my right foot that was injured. I wondered if Dean would
kick me out of camp if my foot didn't heal correctly. Steve had said that there was really no way to tell without x-rays.
An involuntary sigh escaped as I thought about the possibility that I would be left forever as a limping shell of my
former self.
Risa reached out and took my hand as if she knew what I was thinking. The touch was nice, but I needed more.
I looked at her and she seemed to understand, she got up and knelt down beside my chair and wrapped her
arms around me resting her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head, and laid mine on top of hers.
It felt good to have human contact that wasn't necessary for holding me upright or getting me from one place
to another.
We sat that way for a few minutes and then she said, "Cas, you are going to get through this, but I don't know
how much longer Dean will let me help. He needs me out on missions and he's getting tired of me running off to
you every chance I get." I took a deep breath and hugged her tighter to me; I would miss this. "I know", I said.
"I can't keep depending on you when I've got other people that can help me, and anyway you've taught me all
I need to know about getting around. I'll be fine."
She got up to leave and I got up as well, wanting more than anything to get to my bed and sleep. I had only been
up an hour and it felt like I had been doing battle with Angels for days. She touched my arm as I turned to go inside
and I turned back to see her lips rushing to meet mine. My crutches clattered to the floor as I reached around her,
pulling her close and returning the kiss with all the energy I had. I knew this was a mistake, and she probably did
too, but I needed it…she needed it. She walked and I hopped to the bed and we crashed into it like it was a cool
lake on a hot day, covering each other with kisses.
Removing my shirt she turned me over and began to massage my back, taking time to find the knots and kiss each
one gently. My shoulders were so tired from all the work they did this morning and the release of tension washed
over me like a tidal wave. I moaned and turned back to face her, ripping her shirt off without undoing the buttons.
My eyes met hers and we both laughed when I saw she was wearing a pink bra. I wondered if it was a conscious
decision on her part to wear that on this particular day.
She worked my sweatpants down and stopped at my toes sticking out of the pink cast to kiss each one and then
worked her way up my legs massaging them as she went. All the orgies and all the women and it had never felt
like this! I sat up and unbuttoned her jeans, pulling then down and kissing her all the way down as I did so. We
made love slowly and gently…the feeling it gave me was something I had never experienced before. Sex was
something I knew about from all the orgies, but this was something different…tender and caring.
As we lay there afterwards she nestled up against me, laying her head on my chest and listening to my heartbeat.
I stroked her hair absently, thinking that although this was the best thing to happen to me lately it wasn't going to
last. She sighed and sat up as if she were thinking the same thing. Our eyes met and she said, "Thank you Cas,
it's been a long time since I've been with someone that was so gentle and cared about me instead of just getting off."
It surprised me that I had given her something she wanted as well: I thought I was the only one getting something
special.
Neither of us had anymore time to think about it as we heard someone coming up the steps. She looked frantic.
I pointed to the floor on the other side of the bed and she ducked down there just in time for me to see Dean
coming in the door. "Where the hell is Risa, Cas? I saw her come in here!" "I-I don't know. I was asleep."
I said, not able to think of anything else to say. I was still so bad at lying! "Well you tell her to get her ass
back over to my cabin if you see her. You are NOT helpless and you don't need her with you every second
of the day! It's just a damn broken foot man, suck it up!" He turned on his heel and left muttering under
his breath something about "fucking wuss". It was a term I wasn't familiar with, but I knew it wasn't nice.
I waited until I was sure he had gone and looked over to see Risa burst into tears. "Oh Cas, What have I
done? I'm sure he knew I was here!" I reached out my hand to comfort her, but she jerked away and started
gathering her clothes and putting them back on hastily. "I'm so sorry Cas, but this can't happen again." I
sighed and nodded my head knowing she was right, but not wanting it to be true. I needed something more
than my girls and I knew it, but this wasn't going to be it. "Goodbye, Risa." I said, knowing that it would be
the last time we spoke for a very long time.
Risa ran out the door, not noticing that my forgotten crutches were still lying on the porch outside. I wondered
how she missed them, and then how I was going to retrieve them. I got out of bed, pulling on my sweatpants
quickly, and hopped on my good foot until I got to the door. I could hear voices outside so I leaned against the
door frame to listen. "I KNOW what you were doing in there; I can smell him all over you!" Dean yelled. "Dean,
I'm sorry it just happened." Risa said. "He was so hurt and alone and I just couldn't help myself." I peeked
through the beads and saw that they were standing not far from the bottom of the steps. He had been waiting
for her! He grabbed her arm roughly and started walking towards his cabin dragging her along with him.
I let myself slide to the floor and sat there, knowing I should do something, but by the time I could get up and
get down the stairs they would be gone. Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought that I could not do anything
to help her, and I began to sob violently. I cried until there were no more tears, and then just sat there not really
knowing what to do.
Too exhausted to get up, I crawled out onto the porch to retrieve my crutches, after making sure no one would
be watching. I shoved them as hard as I could into the room in frustration, and they came to rest on the far side
of the room. That's just great you idiot, now you'll have to crawl all the way over there to get them. I thought. I really
didn't care at this point, I just wanted my bed. Crawling over to it I could see the huge wet spot in the middle and
groaned at the thought of sleeping in the soiled sheets, it would be just another reminder of things I couldn't have.
I made my way around the bed to the other side and pulled out the bottle of pills that had been there since that first
day. Risa had weaned me off the drugs so gradually that I hadn't thought about them in days, but here they were my
hand. I opened the bottle and looked inside, knowing that I was making a huge mistake, but at that point I didn't
really care. Downing two of them I lay down on the floor and waited for them to take effect. Risa, Dean, and my
foot were quickly forgotten as I slipped into an all too familiar haze.
