Life had been completely surreal for the past three days.
Ichigo's admittedly been a little jumpy and suspicious for most of it, over-analyzing Renji's every move and trying to mentally categorize it into friend or boyfriend bins - which was almost impossible, since Renji seemed to be acting almost completely the same.
Other than, you know, really obvious stuff like kissing.
Besides that though, the change has mostly just been in Ichigo's state of mind more than anything else. He and Renji might be boyfriend and boyfriend, but they hadn't moved into each other's rooms or anything, despite falling asleep on the couch together a couple times. They also haven't gone on any dates or done anything … you know - because although Ichigo had cooled down after accepting that this was just how he was and there was no changing it, it all still was a shock to the system.
The first day had been rough - he'd been kind of quiet and brooding. Despite having decided to give things a go with Renji and being happy for it, there was still a sense of no going back that was a little frightening. He didn't know what kind of stuff was going to come his way if he went through with this. It had just been sort of a hard day, a lot of thinking.
Renji knew how to distract him though, picking on him and comforting him in perfect proportion. It worked well enough and Ichigo had perked up enough to get some of his old attitude and feistiness back, but at the same time, there was still a certain hesitance and uneasiness there.
Ichigo feels bad making Renji lie to their friends, he honestly does, and he's already had a conversation with him about how this might not be the best idea, because although Ichigo has his hangups, he doesn't think Renji should have to suffer with him. Renji was stubborn though - 'Ichigo, don't be a loser. We're in this together' - and wouldn't accept that it might be better to just not bother with him until he was ready to come out.
Which, you know, being in it together was all fine and good, but it made him a little nervous, because although he knew Renji wouldn't pressure him or anything, Renji'd already taken like twenty pictures of them together and was like, bursting to post them on social media and brag about snagging him, but he couldn't because Ichigo was too scared still. He knew that Renji was kind of a passionate guy and it was going to be hard for him to contain for very long, and Ichigo knows it's not fair of him to ask him to.
So really, he expected it when it finally came on day three. Ichigo could tell just from the look in Renji's eye when he walked into the room. Oh boy, here it comes.
Stomping down the hall and standing in the doorway to the kitchen, Renji announced, "Now that we're you know, I wanna' you know."
"... Uhhh, I don't actually know what you're talking about," Ichigo muttered, hoping it wasn't what he thought it was. It sure sounded like out-and-out innuendo.
He stood at the kitchen counter with his chocolate milk, holding the mug defensively as Renji came closer with that smile he got when he was enjoying messing with him.
"Hey, you're the one who's so sensitive," Renji teased. "Or are you starting to move past it."
"Don't be a jerk! I never said you had to talk like that when it's just us here!" Ichigo barked, hoping that his scowl was enough to keep Renji on the other side of the counter there.
Renji smirked at him a little, like he thought him getting mad was funny - really, nothing much has changed in three days - and then moved past him to get a protein shake from the fridge.
"Well, since I guess I can be out in the open," Renji teased one last time, starting to laugh when Ichigo groaned aloud, fed up with him. That got him to stop being an ass for a second and come to the point.
Cracking his drink open and facing him with a smile and warm eyes, Renji said, "I wanna' take you out." When Ichigo didn't respond and clearly didn't intend to any time soon, not even opening his mouth or taking a breath to prepare a reply, Renji clarified, "Like on a date. Together."
"Mm," Ichigo mumbled at last, dropping his eyes to the rim of his mug where a little of the powder had gotten stuck when he'd mixed his drink.
"Tomorrow afternoon, me and you, datin' it up." Renji was probably doing his best to exude calm to try and put him at ease and show him it was no big deal, but it didn't help much. His nonchalance and inability to really sympathize with Ichigo's hesitance to come out of the closet so to say was one of the reasons Ichigo had blown up at him before.
It's like, he knew Renji understood and everything, but since he'd already gone through it and gotten to the other side, he didn't have to feel that pain and fear anymore or live with it every day like Ichigo did. It was as though Renji thought that he was being silly on some level for caring how others would react, and it made Ichigo envious of his shameless bravery - not to mention a little embarrassed that he couldn't say the same of himself.
At the same time, he's only admitted to himself that he's gay for like three days, so cut him some slack. This was moving really fast!
"I dunno', Renji…" Ichigo muttered, scratching the back of his head with a hesitant scowl. As much as a date sounded… well, like everything he's always wanted, he just didn't know if he could take that big of a step. It seemed impossibly daunting. "I mean…"
"Dude, it'll be fun," Renji blew off like it was no big deal. "It's not like we don't hang out all the time anyway. Not like anyone'll know just by lookin' at us. Only you an' me'll know. We'll have a great time. Eat some junk, do some stuff, gaze at each other with sparkly eyes?"
He knew Renji was trying to make him smile, but he couldn't bring himself to humor him. "... I dunno'," was all he said, uneasy. Renji's face creased with sympathy then, and when it did, Ichigo immediately coiled back defensively, which might be the reason Renji teased him when Ichigo got skittish instead of trying to comfort him too much - because as much as Ichigo felt upset that Renji acted like he was dumb for wanting to hide his true self, he hated it worse when Renji put on the whole 'older guy who understands what you're going through because of prior experience' persona. He hates feeling that pathetic.
"Ichigo, you're not one to care about what other people think," he noted almost gently, coaxing. "Are you worried people are gonna' say shit to us or something? They're not gonna' know," he promised. "Seriously man, as much as I wanna' love you in front of the whole world, if you wanna' be private about it, then I'm not gonna' embarrass you like that. Just give it a chance." When Ichigo was still silent, twisting his mouth up with his jaw set, staring away carefully, Renji huffed and repeated, "I've never known you to care what people call you."
"Yeah well this time I can't make myself feel better by thinking that at least they're not right about me." Renji's face crumpled in sympathy at that, which made Ichigo huff sharply in annoyance and turn away. "I just don't wanna' deal with it yet, alright?"
"Does it really bother you that much?" Renji wondered. "It doesn't bother me…"
"Yeah well, it's not easy for everybody," Ichigo bit out. "You don't know what it's like; you didn't have to come out. You were just always weird so people lowered their expectations." Renji rolled his eyes and pushed away from the fridge with a scoff.
"Goin' out with a guy doesn't mean you're a disappointment to your friends and family, Ichigo, you're still the same person, and if they really loved you in the first place, then-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay," Ichigo waved his hands with a huff, not wanting to hear it. "I just don't think it's a good idea, alright?"
Renji folded his arms, leaning forward on the counter and staring at him openly, narrowing his eyes with a flat grimace. Ichigo pulled away slightly, scowling back, not liking to be scrutinized. Finally, Renji's mouth pinched on one side and he said bluntly, "Okay, I get that this is hard for you and stuff, an' I'm all about the slow-burn." Ichigo's eyebrow twitched when Renji continued in a deadpan, "But don't be a chickenshit. It's just a date."
"Renji, I barely even admitted to myself that I'm . . . you know," Ichigo tried, at which Renji gave him a 'told you so' expression. "Look, fuck you! You know I'm not ready to tell people yet, so just stop trying to make me, okay?"
"Ichigo, c'mon, of course not," Renji agreed in exasperation, "I'm not gonna' try and make you come out to everyone when you're all twisted up about it. I'm just saying, it might help you to work through some shit to see how much this really…" He trailed off then, rubbing at the back of his own neck, maybe feeling a little embarrassed himself. "How it feels right," he ended.
Ichigo was quiet and stubborn for a few seconds, wanting to say something but not knowing what. Renji seemed to accept this as a refusal and gave a disappointed nod, making to leave to the living room.
"Okay, fine!" Ichigo blurted with a grimace. "Whatever then, fine! I don't care, goddamn," he muttered, shaking his head, at which Renji snickered, and he smiled back just a little bit. His boyfriend - his boyfriend - held out a hand to him, and he took it with some hesitance, but Renji ceased his teasing and didn't comment on his shyness, content to hold his hand while he watched his soccer game.
He got what Renji meant about focusing on the parts that felt right, because when they were alone together here where the rest of the world couldn't see them… Ichigo felt really happy. Nothing felt more exciting than holding Renji's hand or kissing him, nothing put more butterflies in his stomach than knowing that Renji cared for him and loved him just like he did in return. How right that felt, if only he could just focus on that all the time, it would make all his worst nightmares about the consequences of coming out worth it. Because that feeling of happiness would be too strong to be diminished by fear.
"Can I lay down across you?" Renji hummed absently, finishing off his shake, eyes glued to the TV. Ichigo was silent in surprise for a couple seconds, that fluttering growing stronger in his chest.
"Uh… okay." Ichigo watched in fascination as Renji pulled his legs up and turned to lay his head down across his lap.
For a second, Renji paused with an eyebrow raised, and teased, "You're not gonna' poke me in the ear, are you?"
"Uh... why would I ever do that?"
"Whatever, just don't get excited and ruin my pillow."
"Huh? . . . What, no!" Ichigo sputtered when he realized what he meant. "Ugh, just lay down." He shoved Renji down, sinking down into the couch himself and crossing his arms with a pout, at which Renji snickered lowly, prizing his ponytail out and getting comfortable.
In the early afternoon, lounging around lazily on the sofa with Renji's head in his lap, his hair loose and wild, Ichigo did feel brave enough, daring enough to do something scary like let Renji take him out.
Wow, a real date. Ichigo was actually looking forward to it... a little. He just couldn't get rid of this nervous wrong feeling that something bad was going to happen. Was that always going to be there?
In any case, it's been three days, and other than that gut feeling of doing something naughty and knowing that one day he'd be caught, things have been nice. It was somewhat cathartic to have finally talked about it to somebody after so long denying it even in the privacy of his own head. For all Renji's garbage about teasing him, he did make Ichigo feel… safe, in a sense.
At any rate, he wasn't in the least bit worried Renji was going to tell on him or something. Even if Renji thought he shouldn't be so tight-assed about keeping it a secret, he'd agreed that they weren't gonna' tell anyone about them just yet. It's been three days since a somewhat life-changing revelation, and Ichigo wasn't ready to shout it from the rooftops or - god - tell his dad.
"Hey," Renji muttered to catch his attention, then tapped his lips. Ichigo grimaced, but leaned down and kissed him anyway. "Just try it and see," he said like he could tell what Ichigo was thinking.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Pff', sure," Renji sniped, flicking channels and playing with a loose string on Ichigo's jeans. Ichigo scowled at him, but sat still and didn't jostle Renji's head out of his lap. In fact, he might not get up even if their kitchen caught fire.
