Hello!
My most sincere apologies for abandoning this story! I know that nothing I can say will justify such a long wait, but I did have some problems in my life--university, some family problems, personal life going to hell and then gradually rising back again, more university... With all that, I had time to work only on one of my stories.
Thank you so much for your patience with me! I hope that even after such a long break, you'll be able to enjoy the rest of this story.
Many thanks to amazing AnakinsFavorite for the beta!
Brief summary of what happened before:
Due to the chain of events triggered by the Galaxy finding out about their secret marriage, Padmé faked her death and lived alone on Deralia, the Outer Rim planet. No one knew that she was alive—not Anakin, not her children, not anyone—except for her parents.
The Empire reigns over the Galaxy. Anakin, Obi-Wan and other survived Jedi are with the Rebellion.
One day, a Jedi accidentally meets Padmé and lets Anakin know that his wife is still alive.
Anakin arrives at Deralia. He and Padmé have a long talk, finding out the whole truth about the past. Eventually, they reconcile.
Chapter Seven
The gentle sun's rays wake me up. I stretch and open my eyes, the bright morning outside the window boosting my spirits considerably. It seems like a beginning of a good day. Still dizzy from sleep, I watch the light slant joyfully into my small room, my mind blank—but this is not a cold, bleak emptiness. On the contrary, I feel strangely content and whole, as though… But I can't get myself to finish the sentence in my mind. I'm happy simply because I've had a good dream, that's all—and this is more than enough for now.
To my surprise, I feel something heavy on my waist. Puzzled, I turn around. Two blue orbs smile at me.
I blink rapidly, trying to remember what I had been dreaming about. It had been something good, perhaps the best dream I'd had in years. Now as I concentrate on it, random pieces slowly start swirling on the inside of my head—through the fog, I can see the lake, feel fresh air brush against my skin, and, most importantly, I remember him. His eyes, his voice, his touch…
It seems that my subconscious decided to prolong the dream. Why not? I close my eyes once more and count to ten, basking in the remnants of the illusion, and then open them again. The figment of my imagination is still here, watching me as alarm slowly steals over his features. This is too much—I'm certainly going insane.
Then, suddenly, the events of the past days flood over me—a long conversation with Anakin and a wonderful walk along the lake—the reunion I had dreamt about for so long. While embarrassing warmth spreads slowly on my cheeks, I realise that I'm awake… and that this is no hallucination.
"Anakin," I whisper.
Relief washes over his face. "Good morning," he whispers back.
He's really here, lying beside me, his body only inches away from mine. A part of me still refuses to believe. What if he disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving only empty space behind?
"Morning," I echo, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Have you been awake for a long time?"
"For quite a while." He grins at me and toys with my hair, twisting it around his gloved finger—a gesture that is both familiar yet foreign to me. It is almost like another morning from my previous life… Almost, but not quite. For one, his eyes are different, terrible sadness and anguish lurking at their very depths, mirroring my own fears—a fear that he isn't real.
I am unable to resist a frown. "Why didn't you wake me?"
"You were sleeping too peacefully. Besides, it's been quite a long time since I've watched you sleep."
Horrified, I sit up rapidly, my hair certainly looking like haystack. "And the store?"
Anakin rolls his eyes. "You're always under stress. First, there had been Senate and now you worry about the store…"
I stifle the laughter that threatens to bubble up, trying to look stern. "But I have obligations to do! Besides, who else will run it?"
Anakin laughs and stands up, scooping me into his arms and lifting me up. "You didn't change at all," he mutters, shaking his head. "Relax, Padmé. I heard your fierce friend when she arrived a few hours ago."
"Oh," I breathe out, relieved, sitting up to slide off the bed to my hoverchair. I can feel my features stretched into a genuine smile that doesn't want to leave my face, and my head is dizzy—dizzy with happiness, with light-headedness…
Obviously realising what I'm thinking about, Anakin puts me into the hoverchair. "Would you like me to assist you?" he grins at me.
"No, thank you. I'm fine," I laugh. A part of me is seduced by his offer, but another part doesn't want him to think of me as though I were helpless, a damsel in distress.
He cocks his head, amused. "If you wish so. I'll be downstairs." He gives me a short kiss on the lips—too short for my taste—and leaves.
Once in the 'fresher, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It's still the same face that greets me every morning, with no visible changes to it. Yet, taking a closer look, I notice a change in my eyes—they shine brightly, having lost the dead, haunted expression. The corners of my lips curl upwards, and my cheeks are rosy. It seems that some invisible substance that I lost years ago has returned, a substance that fills the hollow in our chests, makes our hearts beat faster, allows us to feel. Usually we don't notice its presence, because it's always there, buried somewhere in our chests, but when it's ripped away from us… it hurts. What is its name? I don't know it, but watching my reflection smile at me, I welcome it back.
However my relief is short-lived. As I brush my teeth, I can't help but wonder what will happen to Anakin and I now. I'll leave this planet and go with him as we decided before, for there is nothing for me here.
Leaving tonight.
I'll see my children. What do they look like? More importantly, how will they receive me? How will they react to a suddenly alive mother, a mother they had never seen? I'm a stranger to them even though I carried them for many months.
Our reunion was sweet and blissful, but it didn't mend the tenuous bond between us, it didn't heal old wounds. This Anakin is not my Anakin anymore—there was something hiding beneath the azure surface of his eyes, something harsh yet also anguished. What was it? I can't recognise it, and that makes me insane. You just have to wait, I tell myself, forming my hair into a neat braid. As time passes, everything will be as before again… or nearly everything.
The light slants through the window, drawing a rigorous geometrical pattern on the floor. The shelves are distant, luminous objects in the distance. I am familiar with every crack on the ceiling—the one that is shaped like a lightning bolt, and another that looks like Master Yoda's head. The third step of the stairs creaks loudly. My nose will always remember a slightly musty smell of the store—a unique mixture of the wood, dust and the technical smell of new holos. This small store has been my home and my prison for nearly five years… I won't see it ever again. This thought both horrifies and excites me.
"This holo is overpriced," I hear Anakin's melodic voice argue with Kaya. A small smile gracing my features, I descend and peek from the corner.
Anakin shakes a holo pad before Kaya's nose, his lips pressed into a thin line, his hair even more tousled than usual—it's always untidy whenever he's angry, a trait that didn't appear to change over the years. Kaya's reaches out and snaps the holo pad, her grey eyes sending daggers at him. "It's the best history of pod racing I've ever read," she says coolly, cradling the pad to her chest.
Anakin sighs, exasperated. "But the chapter about the pod racers isn't good."
Kaya raises her head in a defensive gesture. "Why? I thought it was great."
Anakin tilts his head to the side, watching Kaya in a nearly pitying way. "First, it is the writer's description of the power units," he says calmly in a tone that is normally used to someone of a reduced mental capability. "Then it is the way he, or, I rather think the writer is a she, describes the maximal speed and manoeuvring possibility. According to her, pod racers can perform only very few manoeuvres." Sarcasm drips from his voice like Nubean waterfall.
"But that's true!" Kaya interrupts him, clearly stung. "That's one of the factors that makes pod racing so dangerous!"
Anakin erupts in a bubbling laughter, my favourite laughter. "Preposterous," he manages to snort between fits of laughter. "Pod racers have unlimited manoeuvring possibilities, and they can be much, much faster than" – he jerks his head to the holo in Kaya's arms – "she writes."
"Excuse me, but why do you think that the author is a she?" Kaya hisses angrily. I can feel my face broaden in another grin as I shake my head back and forth. She can have quite a temper, and she'd scared many clients on several occasions by her blazing grey eyes on flaming cheeks. But Anakin doesn't look scared—he is amused, which turns Kaya's cheeks to an even more vivid red.
"Because only a woman would describe the only human who'd ever won a race as 'a tiny blue-eyed wonder with cute rosy cheeks, which you want to cuddle, hug and kiss but never let do something that dangerous again'," Anakin quotes with a scornful edge to his voice, rolling his eyes.
Kaya raises her left eyebrow. "You do have cute rosy cheeks," she admits. "But I don't know who in their right mind would be insane enough to hug and kiss you."
Anakin flashes her a dazzling smile. "Believe me, there are a few." His remark wipes a grin from my face. "But that's not the point," he continues, ignoring Kaya's grimace. "My point is, that again, only a woman wouldn't know something as simple as building a hand brake besides the main one, which ensures more safety. Only a woman wouldn't know that you can't disconnect the cable from the minor power unit—it won't increase the speed, it will only break the whole engine. And, she actually suggests that—"
Kaya's eyes are as round as the crimson sun of Varykino as she listens to Anakin's fierce tirade. I decide that it's time to intervene.
"Good morning!" I announce my presence loudly, buzzing to a halt between Anakin and Kaya. "Are we getting along well?"
"No," Kaya says shortly, looking at Anakin as though he had a third eye and horns.
"Yes," Anakin purrs at the same time, giving me a brief kiss on the forehead.
Kaya watches us, a sympathetic smile looking at odds with a glint of annoyance on her red face. "You're annoyed with this holo simply because the author described you as 'cute'," she says finally, pointing at the pad she holds closely cuddled to her chest. "And you are not cute."
Anakin raises his left eyebrow with a devilish smirk that would make Obi-Wan's mouth clench in a martyred expectation of another merciless teasing round. But Kaya is not Obi-Wan, and so I seize Anakin by the shoulders, forcing him to turn around with every ounce of my strength, eager to prevent the Civil War in my shop… my former shop. His reluctance swirling in thick, seductive waves around my hands, Anakin turns around and gracefully marches out of the shop. Already by the door, he turns around and peers at the triumphant Kaya.
"You're right, 'cute' is an understatement. Would you say that 'irresistibly handsome' covers me up better?"
Trying to ignore the roaring voice in my head that urges me to yell in agreement at his words, I put my hands on Anakin's chest and push him once more. My mouth twitches slightly as a smile threatens to break through.
"'Unnaturally annoying' would be better," Kaya retorts, pursing her lips. Her face is of such a vivid red under a mane of fire that I'm afraid she might burst in flames any second.
"Get some fresh air," I say hastily to Anakin, giving him another push, my hand lingering unnecessarily on his chest. He smirks at us—a smirk that turns Kaya even redder and makes my breath rattled—and finally leaves.
"How did you marry him?" Kaya mutters, staring at the closing door as she takes a deep, calming breath.
I shrug and smile, certain that she wouldn't want to hear a real explanation—it would take the rest of my life to put into words why I already miss him even though that Anakin's just standing outside the door.
Kaya shakes her head, rolling her eyes at the goofy look on my face. The red retreats slowly, and her face gradually takes its normal colour again. "I'll try to have a normal conversation with him the next time."
"There will be no next time," I say quietly, looking at the stain on the floor—a result of Tilo spilling his soup many months ago. The sight of this stain, scrubbed so many times and faded with time on the beige carpet, triggers countless memories in me—memories of many evenings in the store, full of careless chatter and gentle banter, memories of Kaya's chiming laughter and Tilo's shy, barking one, memories of peaceful quietness of Deralia. They overwhelm me, making me slightly dizzy. I can hear the phantom sound of the rain knocking at my window, smell the soup that Kaya cooks so well, feel the handle of the dust-brush fit neatly into my palm. With a sharp, belated ache under my ribs, I realise that my life wasn't as miserable as I painted it to be… and suddenly, I don't want to say good-bye at all.
Kaya raises her head, confusion passing slowly over her eyes as my words sink in. "What do you mean?" she asks, her voice nearly a voice of a child.
With an enormous effort, I force words from my mouth. "I'm leaving tonight."
Kaya blinks. "Tonight?" she asks so quietly that I have to read her lips in order to understand.
I can only offer a weak nod.
Seconds pass one after another, but for us time holds still. For a jagged, painful lull, I even forget about Anakin… and uncertain future that lies ahead of us. For five years, I had always considered my life here a punishment, a prison, a bleak, grey monotony. It had never crossed my mind that my life on Deralia had not been an exile but a… reprieve.
Kaya tries to smile—it's a weak thing, but sincerity shines through it. "Well, the moment Anakin entered this store, I knew that it wouldn't be long before you'd leave with him. The two of you belong together."
I nod again, unable to speak.
"He loves you so much," Kaya continues, her eyes wistful and… old, all traces of the mischief that usually surrounds her gone. "Whatever lies ahead of you, the two of you will manage it."
Triggered by her words, a roll of nausea emerges from my stomach. Childishly, I clamp my wet, trembling hand to my mouth, afraid that my fear will release the prison of my body. "I'm afraid of the future, Kaya. I'm afraid that there was too much damage in the past." My voice sounds as if something were choking me. "I was safe here… and now I'm about to be thrown into the large galaxy again. I feel like a person who tries to stay on the water, but keeps drowning. What if I can't handle it? What if I will drown?"
Kaya casts me a long, sympathetic look and moves to embrace me. "Oh, Rajja… Padmé," she breathes into my hair as her arms rub my back in gentle circles. "You will be able to swim your way back into the life, trust me. I know you, and you never give up. You fight till your last breath." She takes my face between her hands, her eyes fierce and blazing. "You promise me you'll be happy, right?"
I stare deep into Kaya's clear, grey eyes to see a tiny drop of moisture ooze slowly in the corner of her eyes and feel that I'm about to weep too. Her eyes look almost green in the dim light. I've never noticed it before, neither did I notice tiny freckles peek at me shyly from the nearly translucent skin of her cheeks…
My mouth is dry and my voice breaks when I find it again. "I promise you that I will be happy." This is a promise that I'm doing also for myself—I will be happy no matter what awaits me in my future with Anakin. No matter how childish and foolish my words may sound, they are sincere—because I feel that the fear will eat me alive if I do nothing to shield myself from the future trials.
Kaya tries to smile. "That's good," she whispers. "Good."
Her voice becomes nearly inaudible as she leans in to embrace me again. We melt together, and I feel my past, my future and my dreams swirl around me in an invisible blur around the shop.
Sometimes when you want to stretch the moment into eternity, time to have other plans, causing life to hurry forward in uneven lurches and lulls… until the moment is gone, submerged into nothingness to never be relived again. Like so, my last day on Deralia rushed past me in a thick haze of numbness. I have no memories of it, no impressions… It is as if it never existed.
The evening comes soon—too soon—and Kaya and Tilo walk us to Anakin's ship to say the last goodbyes. The walk through the forest is quiet and pensive as each of us is sunk into our own gloomy thoughts so much that we are incapable of speaking. Once again, I don't notice the silver beauty surrounding me or the cold prickling my skin.
For years, I had wished nothing more in the world than to be with Anakin again—it is still my deepest desire—and it seems that my wish has been heard. My Knight has returned, true love has been found and broken heart has been mended—my happily ever after from my personal fairy tale has never seemed to be so close. Then why am I so scared? Why is my stomach twisting into an icy knot?
We come to the halt before a sleek, elegant ship standing by the frozen, shimmering lake—the same lake at which we had found each other only yesterday. Anakin slips his hand into mine and smiles down at me. I smile back and forget my worries for the short moment our eyes connect. However, everything returns the moment he looks away.
An awkward silence falls between the four of us as we look at each other, at loss of what to say. This is our final good-bye—a hard, painful moment of parting between friends who may never see each other again. Not as long as the Empire is out there.
"Well," Tilo finally croaks. Wisps of dark hair fall into his face. "Take care of yourself, both of you."
Anakin smiles slightly. "Thank you. You too."
Kaya fixes me with her blazing grey eyes. "We will communicate with each other Padmé, won't we?"
I nod fervently, the proper words evading me.
"We'll see each other again," Kaya promises me, yet I can see uncertainty brew at the bottom of her clear iris.
My mouth trembles, and it's hard to speak. "Of course we will. I want to see your wedding."
The vapour of my promise lingers for a brief instant in the frosty air, and then rises into the vast darkness of the sky above us.
"We'll be happy to have you there—both of you," Tilo says softly.
Anakin offers a grateful half-smile. "A wedding is always good."
A wedding… Anakin and I had exchanged out vows only a few years ago, yet will we be able to keep them? Did we—more importantly—did Anakin keep them during all the years we have been apart?
Another silence stretches between us. A part of me wants to leave this planet at this very moment, because lingering here is pointless and brings only more pain. Yet… I can't simply turn away from my friends, from the planet that harboured me in my loneliness…
Very slowly, I raise my reluctant hand in a gesture of farewell. From the corner of my eyes I see Anakin mirror my gesture. After a moment of slight hesitation, Kaya and Tilo lift their hands as well.
There is nothing more to say.
With one glance at Kaya and Tilo, Anakin and I step into the ship. Once in the cockpit, I rush to the window and peek outside to steal a last glimpse of my friends—my only friends in those five years. They stand hand in hand, never tearing their gazes from us, looking suddenly very small and lonely in the endless ocean of silver snow.
The engine purrs beneath us, eager for the lift-off. I look at Anakin and he pulls me into the soothing warmth of his embrace, kissing the top of my head. With a triumphant roar, the ship lifts off the ground. Very, very soon, Kaya and Tilo's silhouettes shrink to two black points… and then disappear completely.
With a huge lump in my throat, I watch the forests of Deralia sink farther and farther beneath us until they disappear behind black clouds of the mourning sky. Then we rise above the sky, into the atmosphere… and then my second home is nothing more than a small, blue sphere in the black space.
We make a jump to the hyperspace, and Deralia disappears. My old life disappears.
"Padmé," Anakin's quiet voice by my ear interrupts my contemplation of the now empty space.
"Yes?"
He strokes my head, hesitant. "I'm… I'm glad that we're together again. I love you more than anything."
"I love you too, Ani," I whisper back. "I'm just afraid."
His eyes are very tender as he caresses my cheek. "Don't be afraid. We're together, which is all that matters."
I look into his eyes which are scorching with sincerity, and I believe him. I believe that we can manage everything. The knot in my stomach lessens, the cold retreats. "Yes, that's all that matters."
He leans down to kiss me, and I forget about my fears. Deep down, I know that they will return… but I don't want to think about anything except that Anakin is kissing me, that we are truly reunited.
The moment our lips part, he whispers my name.
Lost in each other's arms, we race towards our future through the black space, savouring the last moment of our private little world before the reality catches up with us.
