"I don't know how much more of this I can take . . ." Sailor Jupiter groaned to Sailor Mercury from their hiding spot behind a smoldering piece of scenery at the television studio that was currently under attack. Jupiter winced as she shifted slightly, hitting one of the burns she had sustained from the daimon's surprisingly effective flaming-cheese attack.

Even Sailor Moon's initial enthusiasm for the food-based projectiles had been dampened after a well-aimed shot caught the end of one of her pigtails on fire, leaving it several inches shorter than the other.

Admittedly, the senshi had underestimated U-Zone, who, aside from her pointed ears and all-red eyes, looked pretty much like a normal college student—and one who had clearly pre-gamed, to boot. With her perfectly straightened blonde hair, on-point make-up, cute white shorts, and cleavage-baring tank top, Sailor Venus had even declared U-Zone a kindred spirit.

That is, until U-Zone's hot pink backpack turned out to be a bottomless pit of flaming cheese, which she threw with middling accuracy as she stumbled around the studio and drunkenly giggled at the chaos she was causing.

"I meant to ask you," Jupiter said to Mercury as U-Zone chased Sailor Moon around the set, "what's up with the stupid rhinestone face on U-Zone's shirt anyway?"

"You mean this?" she asked, pulling out her Mercury computer and typing ΘΔΘ on the screen.

"Yeah!"

"They are actually the Greek letters theta, delta, and theta," Mercury said. "You see, in the United States, many college students belong to Greek organizations called fraternities and sororities. These organizations are known by Greek symbols—and I deduce that, in U-Zone's case, she is a member of the Theta Delta Theta Sorority."

"Are you serious?" Jupiter asked, scratching her head. "But . . . how is that relevant here in Japan?"

"It really isn't," Mercury said with a frown.

Jupiter shook her head disdainfully. "I think the writer is seriously running out of ideas . . ." [AN: no comment]

Suddenly, the scenery they were crouching behind was thrown aside as the Theta Delta Threat herself discovered their hiding spot.

"Oh my god you guys," U-Zone said, her words slightly slurred as she staggered a bit on her wedge heels, "we should totally do shots right now!"

Opening her backpack, she pulled out a shot glass filled with a clear liquid, downed it, then hurled the empty glass at Sailor Mercury, who barely dodged it. The glass shattered loudly near Mercury's feet, sending glass shards flying.

"Opa!" U-Zone yelled with glee. "Let's do another round!"

She laughed, pulling out more full shot glasses, lobbing them at Jupiter and Mercury and sending them running back to join the rest of the senshi as pieces of glass and liquid sprayed around them.

"Well that's lucky," Sailor Moon pointed out. "That water will help put out the fires!"

"That's not water, Sailor Moon." Venus bent down, wetting a fingertip and quickly smelling it. "Just as I thought—it's ouzo."

"Ouzo?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Liquor," Mars said, crossing her arms. "Highly flammable liquor."

"Oh . . ." Sailor Moon said, her face falling as U-Zone's next shot—landing just to left of Sailor Venus's heel—hit a little too close to a still-smoldering blob of cheese on the floor, sending flames streaking wildly around them.

"Woooooo!" U-Zone yelled, raising her fists and dancing wildly as the senshi shrieked. "This party is sooooo lit!"

"Shine Aqua Illusion!" Mercury cried out, spraying water throughout the studio and dousing the flames . . . as well as frying all of the electronic equipment. She cringed as waves of steam and a few sparks rose from the enormous television cameras stationed near the set.

"They have insurance, right?" she asked nervously as Mars shrugged.

U-Zone, however, seemed utterly unfazed by the pandemonium she had created.

"Oh em gee, you know what would be soooo killer right now?" she asked, once again opening her pink backpack and, like an unhinged Mary Poppins, pulled out a 6-foot-long spit bearing a whole roasted lamb. "Bar food! Get it?! Bar, cuz, like, it's food and it's on a bar and stuff!"

"Watch out!" Sailor Venus yelled as U-Zone sent the roasted lamb hurtling toward them like a javelin. Jupiter grabbed a salivating Sailor Moon and leapt out of the way just in time as the spit struck and blasted a hole through the floor where they had just been standing.

Sailor Moon, set back down by Jupiter, began to sniffle in the debris of their battle.

"Are you hurt, Sailor Moon?" Jupiter asked.

"No, it's just . . . I can't handle fighting like this . . . it's so wrong!"

Venus nodded sagely. "You're right, Sailor Moon. In an ideal world, we would all be friends and—"

"No!" Sailor Moon interrupted, blinking back tears. "I mean using food as weapons! It's just . . . just . . . evil!"

"C'mooon, don't be a party pooper," U-Zone said, pulling another spit from her backpack. "Food fights are totes awesome!" But as she started to throw the second spit, she stumbled and her aim went wide, sending the spit crashing through a piece of semi-charred and sopping wet scenery.

"Oh my god you guys," U-Zone laughed. "I'm like, totally drunk right now . . ."

Mars snorted. "Yeah, we noticed . . ."

U-Zone looked at Mars, squinting as she tried to see just one of her. "Wow, your hair is like, really shiny," she said with a sigh.

"Duh, I know," Mars said, tossing her hair behind her shoulder.

"Time to sober up!" a masculine voice called, getting everyone's attention. They looked up to find Tuxedo Kamen balanced on the scaffolding high above the set.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said, perking back up.

U-Zone looked upward, blinking blearily at the dark figure looming above her. "Prof-professor?" she asked, scratching her head.

Mars rolled her eyes. "A professor of stupidity, maybe . . ."

Tuxedo Kamen raised his cape with one gloved hand, then began his lecture.

"Moonlight shines upon pure hearts in endless time to guide those who treasure precious love. Pure hearts burn like stars upon the winds of eternity, calling passionate justice in their time of need."

"Umm, Professor?" U-Zone asked, pulling a notebook and pen from her backpack. "Is this going to be on the midterm?"

Tuxedo Kamen plowed on, heedless of U-Zone's question. "Love may dull with the neglect of yearning dreams, yet the shimmer of a pure heart crystal is blessed by the sweetest hopes of young maidens. Where the pure light of love cries out for justice, I shall be summoned."

U-Zone nodded as she sloppily scribbled her notes.

"Daimon, prepare yourself for the vengeful adoration of pure love's justice! I, Tuxedo Kamen, can never forgive those who cause treasured hearts the pain that, like the agony of first heartbreak, seeks to dishonor the affection of pure dreams. As Aristotle said—"

"Arghhhh enough!" Mimete screeched from her spot of relative safety at the very back of the audience seating. "U-Zone, get him!"

"Ummmm it's like, really rude to interrupt a professor," U-Zone said, shaking her unsteady head.

"He's not a professor!" Mimete yelled. "He's just a moron in a tuxedo! If you hadn't gotten wasted you'd realize that!"

"Ex-cuse me?" U-Zone opened her mouth in shock. "How dare you? You don't know me!"

"Of course I do! I . . ." Mimete trailed off as she scrunched her nose. "What . . . what's that smell?!"

High above them, Tuxedo Kamen, now sporting a nose plug, threw his cape aside and pulled out a behemoth of a plant. An enormous purple frill near the plant's base showcased a gigantic yellow pillar, which rose 10-feet into the air from its center. But the most impressive—and noticeable—attribute of the plant was its incredibly pungent stench.

"I'm out! Good luck, U-Zone!" Mimete said as she ran from the studio.

"Ugh, whad is dat?!" Mars shouted, plugging her nose. "Id smells like death!"

"Amorphophallus titanum," Tuxedo Kamen replied with a charismatic smile. "Also known as . . . the corpse flower."

They watched, transfixed as he tossed the plant from his perch. It arced gracefully through the air, tumbling like an acrobat as it fell, then landed with an almighty splat, covering U-Zone in chunks of corpse-scented plant as well as sending tiny particles flying throughout the room.

"Oh my god!" U-Zone said, wiping a piece of corpse flower from her face. "I'm sooo leaving you a bad review on Rate My Professors!"

"Be my guest!" Tuxedo Kamen leapt to the floor, swishing his cape theatrically as he landed. "Now, Sailor Moon!"

"Right!" She nodded, then raised her Spiral Heart Moon Rod in the air. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" she yelled as she twirled it and spun in place, casting the TV studio into darkness.

A rainbow flashed, followed by a huge pink heart, which crashed into U-Zone, who had pulled out a mirror and was frantically trying to fix her make-up.

"Love-lovely!" U-Zone cried as she stumbled backward and fell, and was replaced by a liquor-stained flyer for a Greek restaurant. A daimon pod fell rose from the flyer and shattered in a poof of smoke.

Venus ran to retrieve the Pure Heart Crystal left glimmering beside the flyer. "I've got it!" she said, gently picking it up and carrying it to the TV star Mimete had targeted. She held it over his chest, letting his body reabsorb the shining crystal.

"John Slaymos?" Venus asked, gently stroking his face as he awoke. "Are you alright?"

"I . . . I think so," he said, running a hand through his still perfectly styled hair. "But why does it smell like something died in here?"

Venus laughed nervously. "Oh, that. There was just . . . an incident. With a plant. That smells like dead bodies."

"I see," he said. "Hey, does anybody want any Greek yogurt?"

"No!" a chorus shouted back at him.

Sailor Moon began to cry softly. "No . . . no more Greek food . . ."

"It's OK, Sailor Moon," Jupiter said, pulling her into a comforting embrace. "He won't hurt you, I promise."

"Well, looks like my job here is done," Tuxedo Kamen said, tipping his top hat at the traumatized senshi.

"Oh, you're done here alright, you caped cru-sadist!" Mars said, stomping over to him. "Listen here, mother tuxer. In the last few weeks, I've had the worst case of allergies in my life, been covered in burs, had horrible poison ivy rashes, and now I'm covered in the juice of a plant that smells like a freaking carcass, all because of you!"

"Yes," Tuxedo Kamen said, nodding. "It is rather unfortunate."

"Unfortunate?!" Mars scoffed, shaking her head. "You're a menace. From now on, ROSES ONLY. Got it?!"

"Roses?" He smiled, swishing his cape as he leapt back onto the scaffolding. "I thought you'd never ask, Sailor Mars. And now, my job really is done. Farewell!"

It was probably for the best that, when Mars realized she had been played, Tuxedo Kamen was long gone.


So I guess I'm not great with estimating how long it takes me to write ANYTHING AT ALL. (All of you are nodding, surely having figured this out a while ago. Sorry!) This last plant was the one that inspired the entire fic. My friends were talking about how badly they wanted to see a corpse flower and I though, wow, wouldn't it be funny if Tuxedo Kamen threw one in the middle of a battle? (In my defense, I was a little tipsy at the time . . .)

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the ride. Thank you so much to everyone who left comments, fav'd, followed, whatever. And to you lurkers, I see you too! ;) Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Thank you so much to Antigone2, my bae-ta, and to FloraOne who is more enthusiastic about this fic than everyone else put together (including me)! And now, on to the next project! :D